Results tagged ‘ Free Agency ’

The Filibuster

What fool GM do you think is going to overpay for Josh Hamilton?

Jonestein
Fort Worth, TX
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“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction.”

Albert Einstein said that.  Jon Daniels DID that.

He and the Rangers made their qualifying offer to Sir Parties-a-Lot and now they can sit back and let madness ensue knowing they’ll at least get a nice draft pick if and when some insane club with house money decides to give Josh Hamilton what he wants.  (From what I have been reading on Twitter and some other baseball-centric forums, dude is asking for 7 years, $175 million.)

Right?  WTF Josh Hamilton?  SEVEN YEARS?  ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS?!?

If this doesn’t prove Nietzsche’s god is dead lesson, I don’t know what does.  Look, I’m impressed with the healthy Josh Hamilton just as much as any one else, but the problems with handing Hamilton a multi-year $100 million+ contract are as well known and documented as Hamilton is out of touch with reality.

1)  Dude is a china doll.  Can’t stay healthy.

2)  Dude is (and always will be) an addict.

3)  Dude is also a well documented RELAPSE just waiting to happen.

One minute Josh is manning left field, hitting bombs, the next minute he’s doing t***y shots off your college aged daughter, making it rain with whipped cream and pay-puh.  Don’t believe me?  Do some Google image searching.

Too risky.  Way.  Too.  Risky.  I wouldn’t give him anything over three years.  Period.  I’d pay him what he’s worth — close to the $20 million a year threshold if healthy (and sober).  But no way I’d trust him for anything more than three years.  His record speaks for itself.

And while I’m all for giving folks second, third, fourth chances, I’m also smart enough to know when to say when.  Hamilton (and his enablers) seem to have a problem with that.

The good news, for sanity’s sake, is that most of the big pocketed clubs don’t have any room for Hamilton.  I hear the Braves are interested but don’t want to be too left handed.  And the breakout Orioles are in the mix too.  But don’t expect L.A. or New York or Boston to go there.  I’m not sure the night life in those cities could handle a potential Hamilton disaster either, and that’s really saying something.

So go ahead.  Hate me ‘cuz I’m hatin’ on Hamilton’s free agency, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

On the Right Side of Beltran

You know what was going through my mind yesterday?  How terrifyingly awesome it must be to plummet towards earth at the speed of sound.  You know what else was going through my mind?  How glad I am that we have Carlos Beltran.

And I’m not just talking about a mild-mannered ball-bashing Carlos Beltran either.  No, I’m talking about a mild-mannered ball-bashing and JADED Beltran.  Despite what little Beltran has made of it to the press, I would guess there’s a certain undefinable stick-it-to-em-ness in Carlos’ bat this National League Championship Series, and whatever angst it might have been made of certainly stuck it to ‘em last night.

I mean, I saw it too, how the Giants turned their noses up towards the possibility of keeping Beltran through free agency last winter.  In fact, they didn’t even make dude an offer, opting to bank on the offense of Melky Cabrera instead of having the solid (and, I should add: CLEAN) Mr. Beltran anchoring the middle of their lineup.

Well, we all know how well that turned out, don’t we?  Meanwhile, all Beltran did was play 151 games with 26 doubles, 32 homers and 97 RBI.

Still, here we are: Cardinals and Giants, NLCS, and only three wins away from defending our World Series crown.

Boy am I glad Beltran is on our team.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right (and biased).

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

It looks like Albert is off to a rough start in LA.  Have you caught yourself checking in on him yet?

Ian
Paris, TX
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If by “checking in on him” you mean stalking his Facebook page, dialing his phone number then hanging up real quick and annoyingly asking our mutual friends if he’s really happy with his new lover, then no.  I haven’t done any of that.

But I have watched an unhealthy amount of Angels games early this season (BECAUSE I CAN’T HELP MYSELF) and I have to admit: even watching Albert struggle early on is no consolation for his loss.  There is no consolation.  Period.  None.  So it does me no good to dwell on it anymore.

IT’S OVER.  FOREVER.

And that’s okay.

It is no secret that Albert’s decision to leave the St. Louis Cardinals left me DEVASTATED.  I was in deep mourning for most of January.  As February rolled along, I found myself dealing with the five stages of grief more intimately than I ever wanted. But by the end of March, I’d finally reached the road of acceptance.  I had no power to change anything anyway, so I could choose to be miserable or I could choose to move on.

I chose to move on.

Albert Pujols provided me with some of the greatest memories of my entire life.  It is my decision to hold those memories dear, to never let go, but to also accept the change that is reality and be one with it.  Harboring any ill will towards the man who brought me such joy has zero benefits.  Just like I wish myriad ex-girlfriends the best in their individual lives post-Jeff, I also wish Albert the best.  That being said, when he strikes out or grounds into a double-play, I become human at times and secretly engage in a bit of childish taunting.  But this is not done with a hateful or angry tone.  I am mindful of it. I acknowledge its silliness. I immediately let it go.

AP may not be off to a torrid start when it comes to power numbers, but the homers and RBIs are going to come.  And when they do, I’ll tip my cap just as I would anyone else: while hollerin’ “GO CARDINALS!!!”

Hate me.  I’m cool with it.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Et Tu, Molina? (Pars Duo)

A few years ago I wrote a cautionary piece foretelling the eventual departure of one Yadier Molina — SUPREME JEFFY MANCRUSH — if the Cardinals somehow didn’t resign Albert Pujols to a long, career stabilizing contract.  I wrote it flippantly, thinking this will never happen in real life.

And then real life hit.

Albert Pujols is gone and Yadi doesn’t seem to be as in love with the Cardinals as the Cardinals faithful are in love with him:

“I love the city. I love the fans, I love the park. But it’s out of my hands. Whatever they like to do is how it is … They let Albert [Pujols] go. It’s business for the team, too. It’s out of my hands.” (source)

Um… wrong.  One, dearest Yadier, it most certainly IS in your hands.  And two, the Cardinals DID NOT “let Albert go.”  They made him a very good offer, one that would most likely highjack the team for the latter half of this decade, one that would have made Albert a very, very, VERY rich man.

And he declined.

For more money.

I don’t have a problem with millionaire ballplayers chasing the money — but I do have a problem with framing the situation in a salacious manner.  To say the Cardinals did not put any effort in retaining Mr. Pujols’ services is as reckless as it is inaccurate.

Here at RSBS, it is no secret that Yadier is my most beloved Cardinal.  The St. Louis brass would be wise to pay the man whatever he wants, and I would applaud their efforts to do so.

But if I’ve learned anything about professional sports the last few months it’s that I’ve been clinging to the delusion that athletes give a f*** about the “home team”, about creating a “legacy”, about “loyalty”.

It’s about money and it will always be about money.  I’m okay with that now.

If the Cardinals do the right thing and throw bank at Molina to keep him, then I’ll be ecstatic.  But I also live in reality these days, so I’m fully prepared to see him in a Halos jersey in 2013.

Hate me.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Rules: Yu Darvish Pun Edition

With the Japaranian sensation Yu Darvish making his Big League career official by signing with the Texas Rangers, I thought it appropriate to lay down some ground rules for the inevitable onslaught of awful puns that are certain to tattoo newspapers and interwebs around the world.

*Note: All italicized examples come from Lone Star Ball’s Yu! Darvish Pun Sweepstakes, and commenter credit appears parenthetically.

Number One:

Yu can’t Yuse Yu as in “You” unless Yu’re clever about it.  The proceeding sentence may or may not constitute “cleverness”.  But I can assure Yu old, crotchety sports columnists (ahem, Phil Rogers) are going to think they’re so cool by substituting “Yu” for “You” and slapping it on a headline.  It’s like pornography, Yu know it when Yu see it (rooster).

Number Two:

Flip the script.  Surprise us with just how clever Yu can be.  Don’t settle for the easy route.  Dravish highlights are ridiculous.  Yu should YuTube them (Gay for Feliz).

Number Three:

The most important rule when Yutilizing Yu puns… MAKE US LAUGH.  Even if Yu have to pull a Hollywood and recycle old gags, just make sure they work.

So, Who’s on first, What’s on second and I don’t know’s on third – I get that.

And the pitcher is . . .?
Yu.
Me?
No, Yu.
That’s what I said, Me!
No Me is catching.
Proper grammar is I am catching.
No I’s the manager, the catcher is me, and the pitcher is Yu!
I can’t pitch!
Exactly, and Yu will pitch to me. Now you’ve got it.
Arrrrgh!!

(Evil Monkey)

Yu can hate me all Yu want, Yu just can’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right in the Yuniverse.

Peace,

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Trombonist Extraordinaire, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“Hello little man, boy, I heard a lot about you.”

The news is in the for MLB, and well, there is no news.

But Paula Deen got hit in tha damn head with a ham!!!

Wish I  threw it.

But there is a ham fighter (and occasional nude male model) on the loose. The Rangers couldn’t keep C.J. Wilson but they sure ponied up to possibly sign Yu Darvish. After the Los Angels signed Alberta de la Pujols, Texas had to do something and they definitely went BIG.

I don’t speak Farsi or Japanesy-Chinesey like Jeffy, but I’ve been all over this kid for a couple years and am eager to see him pitch in the Bigs. I finally have a Middle Eastern brother to watch!

Decision making while tired has happened many times whilst signing Asian ballplayers has been bad, (see Fukudome, Kosuke or K, Dice) but I think this cat has it going on. He’s extremely consistent statistically, has a powerful arm and my manometer is blasting! I will make a pilgrimage to Arlington to see him, which means I’ll probably have a woman shooting at me eventually. Everybody’s packing down there!

Anyway, this was early Xmas for me, (even though the Prince isn’t a Cub yet) so I got my reindeer sweater and I’m blastin this bomb.

“Jesus, that’s wet.”

Have a great whatever you do!

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Ryan Braun Beef Injector, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

Things to Do in Miami When You’re Dead

Just one week ago I wrote about all the good the Marlins are doing. It’s been an interesting week since then. I baked. I strung lights. I went sledding in my neighbor’s bathtub (she may or may not know this). I made a gingerbread house. I have Christmas fever!! And it’s Big Cat week!!  But wait, there more!

I’m also slightly sore from the waist down since my man Aramis Ramirez is leaving the Cubs, but I’m not in the same stratosphere compared to what Jeffy is going through with Alberto de la Pujols. But that’s not why I called.

See, my father lives in the Miami metro area. He slipped me a story that’s been going on down there, one that hasn’t been reported too much here and it details the mess the Miami Marlins have created with the locals involving their new stadium. Check it out from the Herald.

And *this one* too!

Apparently all isn’t so sunny in Dade County regarding the tax payers who paid for the stadium. And the Marlins are BANKING ON FILLING THE HOUSE. Way to piss everyone off before DAY FREAKING ONE.

Will owners ever learn? They can tell you they put on pants the same way you do, with the whole putting one leg in at a time, but they probably just lay on shag carpets and have the butler put them on for them. I know this because my iguana, Dudley, does this for me every morning (despite his violent protests).

The Marlins couldn’t come close to half capacity, even winning it all twice.  Now this?

Again Vice City proves just how douchey a place it really is. Other than visiting my father and my two stripper friends Leviticus and Deuteronomy, you can keep it. I have enough Crockett and Tubbs in my life. Just when I thought the new look Marlins were doing things the right way they go and screw the locals.

WOW.

But I gave Dad some advice for when they tax him again: “The problems of the world won’t be solved by love alone. You need the opposite of love too… and by ‘opposite’ I mean Scientology.”

And… “Life is like a mustard burp, momentarily tangy and then forgotten in the air.”

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 31: Albert’s Infinite Zeros and Other Stuff

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Albert. Frakking. Pujols. Could this episode really be about anything else? Give it a listen, close your eyes and imagine Jeff really is strangling Johanna. No. Seriously. Do that. Please?

TRY IT!!!

Also, remember to send us a picture (to rsbsblog@gmail.com) showing why you’re RSBS‘ biggest fan so YOU can win some sweet Oakley Bender sunglasses from our good friends at Crown Royal. Pass the crown, yo!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.

- – -

Recorded Saturday, December 10, 2011

Top 10 Ways I Avoided the Pujols Press Conference

10.  Beer

9.  Acetone

8.  Subjected Myself to Amy Grant’s Greatest Hits

7.  More Beer

6.  Whisky

5.  NBA Network

4.  Dissected a Battery, Smoked What I Found, Had a Conversation with a Fern

3. Murder (Not Telling… HINT: Involved a Smurf)

2.  Boilermaker

1.  This Video… Over and Over and Over Again…


Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

From Legend to Just Great: It Really Is All About the Money

The older I get, the less value I see in vitriol.

I am trying not to be angry right now.

But I am hurt.

I’m human.  And humans have feelings — feelings that, obviously, get hurt.  I understand Albert Pujols had some hurt feelings too, because Ryan Howard — a mere scrub in comparison — was making more money than him.

Boo hoo.

Once again, a professional athlete tells the world with his actions that the fans don’t really matter — that having statues erected in one’s honor, charitable foundations in one’s namesake and a universal key to the city, forever and ever and ever just ain’t worth a pass at a few extra million.

The Cardinals will be fine.  Maybe they go hard after Prince now.  Or maybe they just move Lance to first and let Freese and Craig become superstars hitting in front of and behind Matt Holliday.  Maybe they go and get Jimmy Rollins or one of a bazillion other high value free agents.

But Albert Pujols’ legacy will not be fine.  No longer will we mention him among legendary Cardinals like Gibson, Brock and Ozzie.  His seat next to Stan the Man is no longer available.

That was Albert’s choice.

Pujols will be remembered as a great Cardinal, yes, but one who, in the end, was all about the money.  I thank him for all the memories — memories I will hold dear to my heart until the day I die.

But now there’s no denying that those memories will always be bittersweet.  And there’s nothing I can do about it.  In the end, the fans don’t matter.  And that’s just a reality we’re all going to have to deal with on our own.

Peace,

Jeff

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