Results tagged ‘ Front Office ’

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 30: Pat Matheny’s Anesthesioxity and Other Stuff (LIKE HIGHLIGHTS!)

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

The RSBS crew celebrates its 30th episode by taking a stroll down podcast memory lane, remembering things that busted our (and hopefully your) guts.  AIDS salad and Ron Santo’s memory get rehashed while new memories (like gay ponies v. horsicorns, an iguana named Dudley and how you can cure your foot problems) are created!  Jump on board the RSBS crazy train!  No stops til you question how you spend your free time!

Don’t forget to getcho Crown Royal and enjoy some happy time!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 26, 2011

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a Justin Verlander fastball, this is going to be quick, hard to see and will probably guilt you into crowning me with the MVP award:

The Drah-mah in Bahhhh-ston

Leave it to the Red Sox to be all dramatified in the offseason.  As if their 2010 free agent signing flop and subsequent September fail-to-the-finish that included video games, fried chicken and an “Adios, Tito!” (let’s leave the beer out of this, shall we?) wasn’t enough drama for one year, they had to go and add to the pile by involving Bobby Valentine in their managerial search.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Bobby V and I really hope he gets the job ‘cuz he’s a bad@ss whose mere presence makes the league better (and more entertaining); but he also comes packin’ drama.  And the fact that the owners interviewed him before allowing new GM Ben Cherington to have his say suggests that the drama between ownership and the front office will continue to rival that of its on-the-field representation.

Pepper Spray: “It’s a Food Product, Essentially”

Fox News host Megyn Kelly should consider a move to the Food Network.  I think spraying Emeril Lagasse with a jumbo-sized canister of pepper spray would add some much needed tension to their programming.  And besides, pepper spray is “a food product, essentially”.

Bringing Back the Blue Jays

At a time when a Lil Wayne-impersonating white dude from Pittsburgh is tops on the music charts — in effect CRUSHING my hope for a revival of real, genuine rap music — I would like to personally thank the Toronto Blue Jays for coming back to earth, for finally being real.  When you have a classic look, there’s never a reason to change it.  The Yankees have managed this.  So have the Cardinals.  Sure they update to keep up with trends, but the core design never changes.  The Blue Jays had one of the classiest, cleanest, most memorable unis in all of baseball.

And then they changed it all for… black and gray?

It’s good to see them making good decisions again.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Ya Can’t Fix Stupid

As the enemy begins yet another chapter in its century-long battle against awful, I can’t help but reflect on the one-and-done tenure of Mr. Mike Quade.  I will not question the hearty baseball acumen of the man; he’s been around this long, so he must know something.  But a leader of men he is not.

For me, his ascendancy of idiocy became relevant when his unruly, wild and uncontainable club donned t-shirts at Wrigley during batting practice that said “F**k the Goat” in big red letters across the back.  When later asked about the “goat”, Quade said he had never even heard of the curse of the billy goat, that to him, it was just a restaurant.

I was never able to determine whether his supreme stupidity was a) that he really hadn’t heard of it or b) that he had, and he was just stupid enough to think we would actually believe him.

Either way, STUPID.

I’m not saying leaders of men need to know everything there is to know about anything and everything, but they certainly do need to surround themselves with people who are informed on myriad subjects, and they must also have enough tact to know when they’re stepping into a great big pile of nast.

So if the sexual harassment charges against Herman Cain and his playfully flippant response to them haven’t deterred you from considering him as a presidential candidate, hopefully this video will:


This cannot happen, people.  This man cannot be seriously considered for the presidency.  The Republicans are in deep shizz.  And they know it.  It’s just too bad that the answer to their problems is right there, continuously ignored, continuously shut out.

It makes me very, very sad.

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and podcast kidnapee, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn. I had a classical education.”

Can Theo talk to the animals? Does he speak two thousand languages? Can he communicate his agenda to the morbidly obtuse, dumb and crazy?

From horrible decisions of front offices past, to a psycho fanbase that values ivy over winning and bloated egos galore on an oddly constructed team, can Theo break on through to the other side of bad?

I imagine lunches with Carlos Zambrano can be strange. I hope they had a violinist play some Venezuelan music tableside. It may not have been quite as strange as going to temple with Hitler or eating Twinkies with Martha Stewart, but still quite ODD.

A manipulative, out of shape baby who goes on regular tirades is nothing short of potential disaster.  Big Z requested a sit-down and Epstein obliged.

Hmm… seems strange doesn’t it? The meeting went well and he’s going to give him a chance to pitch in 2012. I guess this means a trading partner couldn’t be found or perhaps Theo sees something no one else can.

“We said he’d have to work hard and that we aren’t welcoming him back unconditionally. We said he’d have to earn his way back.” (Link)

Damn straight. I hope you stick to that, Theo, and don’t be afraid to cut your losses at the first sign of the Carlos we all know. Don’t get me wrong. Z is as talented as any pitcher in the league, but that potential has never, I REPEAT NEVER been realized.

“Most of the details will stay confidential. But there are steps he needs to take to earn his way back. If he does so, we will see him in spring training and welcome him back.”

I WANT TO KNOW THOSE STEPS!!! But I’ll trust Theo on this.

For now.

If Z gets to come back and turns into the cataclysm we all know, then that will be a big strike one for me on Epstein. Own up to what you say and you will earn mad respect from this fan. Meanwhile, I’m suspending my disbelief that Zambrano will fail (again) at realizing his potential.

Don’t make me regret this, Theo. Or I’ll…

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Muppet Aficionado, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

Left-Hand Hate KO’d by Love.

I’ve been living in the house of ill repute. I got my diploma from the University of Strange. Somehow Jeff and Allen let me spew about any and all things on this fine site, which BLOWS MY MIND.

Writers who can’t read get a lot of work because they’re rare. Like tall jockeys. Or short NBA centers. I’m RARE. I grew up with gypsies and dancers. I still can’t read but I CAN dance. And hopefully, unlike the Vatican and Penn State, I’m on the right side of child molestation…

After a great and entertaining World Series it’s free agent time! For managers AND players!

The Cubs’ pursuit of Mike Maddux is on and I’m in. In my strange, odd baseball world, I think he’d be a fine choice. I don’t really believe hitting coaches do much, but pitching coaches do. He did some fine work with the Texas Power Rangers staff and got em back to back AL pennants. I never even heard of half their guys but they pitched their tails off. The older brother of legendary Cubs and Braves great Greg Maddux deserves a shot here. He doesn’t want the Red Sox job, doesn’t want to move his family halfway across the country. And after all the drama that has unfolded in Boston’s recent collapse, who can blame him?

With Theo on board, the Cubs are close to becoming respectable. I just hope the supporting brass knows enough to leave him alone so he can do his damn job without interruptions. There were many rumors that Jim Hendry had people in his ear about who to draft and what free agents to sign. THAT CAN’T HAPPEN AGAIN!!

I remember when I got fired from Applebee’s, because I refused to take Mr. Senor Love Daddy off my name tag. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!

Hopefully this doesn’t happen to Theo. Even if he doesn’t pick Maddux, I’m sure he’ll Do the Right Thing.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Semi-Closeted Tony Plush Lover, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“Blind faith is the crutch of fools.”

We may not be in the Prince/Pujols derby, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

My water just broke. Theo is here. I’m feeling woozy.

I’ve been harvesting my organs to get the perfect GM. I’ve been licking my cat’s fanny to find the best. I’ve been on a Rambo-style manhunt to make sure the Cubs can be good for an extended amount of time.

I’VE EVEN TRIED HUMAN MEAT!!! (That part is almost true.)

Theo is the smartest thing that has ever happened to the Cubs.

At the press conference yesterday, he said “I promised I wouldn’t bring up the Red Sox,” but it’s ok, Theo. You said the right things at the right moments. You talked about “being on base and defense.” CRAZY! I am over the moon, trying to slow my roll, but you, Theo, are everything I’ve ever wanted: smart, savvy and new!

In my lifetime, being awful has been the Cub paradigm. Things have to change now. We might need a Castro coach to show him… defense. The way Wrigley plays may require some of Theo’s number crunching. But we have more hope now than we’ve had the last 15 years combined. (See Baker, Piniella, et al)

But best of all, as I write this, Theo Epstein is hatching a plan to dismantle every last bit of crap left in the C’s organization.

I’m in. I’m all in. AND… his sister, Anya, wrote for Homicide: Life on the Streets!! My favorite show of ever!!!

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Plebeian, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

It takes two to make a thing go right!!!!!! It takes two to make it out of sight!!!

This is it. The end of an era. The end of days. The Blizzard of Oz has left us. The vampire/werewolf is on Florida time now. And for what it’s worth, I will miss him spewing his goo bazooka all over this town.

I’m not a White Sox fan but I LOVED Ozzie Guillen. He brought joy to my life, in some sort of way, every day. And though he didn’t win with this 2011 team of crap, he did win the press conference battle yesterday.

For years I wanted to tell he and Kenny Williams to GET A ROOM. But it’s all over now. At least it ended this way, with Oz being cordial, and Williams sounding like a prick. Again. Luckily no one came in with machetes and UZIs, waxing off the media and staff who threw Oz under the bus.

KW should have brought a gavel to his silly presser.  My mom told me you can’t eat love. Kenny didn’t necessarily lie in his press conference; he just massaged the truth. He acted like he had just assisted in the birth of a foal, that he was pure in all of this.

HE CREATED THIS MESS OF A TEAM.

The Williams/Guillen family let things fester. They were not huggers. He and Oz had Easter egg hunts that turned into knife fights. Everyone should have anticipated this sunny day that would never be.

Maybe Ozzie will go all country in Miami. Maybe he’ll change the culture down there. Mermaid boobies will be cool! Plus, the new stadium won’t have those elevators that used to scare him on Wednesdays. SUPERSTITIONS! Any chance he wanders the streets next year and asks people if they recognize him?

Once he gets to Florida, Ozzie can go back to carrying a handgun in the infield. Are we cowabunga on this? FUN FOR EVERYONE!

I think Reinsdorf sneaked up on Ozzie and asked him if he liked surprises. But Ozzie is allergic to horses.

In the end, the Marlins needed a man with a long stroke. And they just got one.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Cubs Top GM Prospect Only Six Years Old!


Go ahead, give him the keys, Fan Boy!  Sounds like he has some pretty solid ideas!

Happy Saturday!

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Warrior, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

It’s Math. Don’t Fight It.

Clint Hurdle isn’t here to save you and lead the White Sox to 20 wins in a row to finish out the season a la the Rockies in 2000 whatever year that was. Jim Thome isn’t walking through that door to be the anti-Adam Dunn. I’m sorry. Just accept it.

As of Tuesday, via Baseball Prospectus, the White Sox have an 11.8% chance of making the playoffs. The Detroit Tigers have an 86.8% chance.  If you’re a Sox fan and want to hold onto that 11%, that’s your business. I just don’t want to hear about it. I know they’ve been just good enough in this awful division to keep us interested, but it’s over.

TOO STRESSFUL. THIS TEAM GIVES ME CHIGGERS!!!


If I have to listen to one more smelly Sox fan chewin his Kodiak, botherin me while I’m TRYIN TO PEE, sayin stuff like “Hey der guy… we’re goin sweep these next few series and we will be der in the end… darrrrr…”

Well, you know what? BITE ME. CUZ IT’S OVAAA…

This team started out so bad that the whole inching their way back up possibility almost felt real. I even got on board, thinking that at some point they’d stop winning three games and losing four. I assumed Adam Dunn would have to, at some point, regress to the mean and start hitting again. I even thought Alex Rios and Gordon Beckham might stop resembling human bowel movements.

As for Ozzie Guillen and Kenny Williams? Those two guys are pathetic. A once great union of minds is now in complete ruin.  They go back and forth at each other like a homeless man’s Martin and Steinbrenner. Word is the Sox have already started looking for managerial candidates and compensation from the Marlins for Ozzie. I know sometimes the Oz man sounds like an ignorant mofo, but he’s a hell of a manager if the Sox can keep him.  But if there’s any chance of Guillen staying with the team he and Kenny have to stop being Lindsey Lohan and Samantha Ronson.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Bring On the Myth of Billy Beane

Some have described my baseball fanaticism as sociopathic in that I find great delight in the destruction and demise of my rivals.

Yeah?  So?

That’s why I’m super excited to hear the Cubs rumor-mill sound off on a possible Billy Beane signing as the next Northside GM.  Like a sick unempathetic psychopath, I enjoy watching the Cubs die a long, painful death.  So bring on the Beane!

The notion that Beane is this magical franchise-saving GM is nothing short of a mirage.  If you pick through the mountains of excellent work at PoNY you will find plenty of detailed examples why.  But for now, I will just focus on one: during his tenure in Oakland (1998 to present) he hasn’t won anything.  And if you’ve paid attention to the Oakland A’s the last five years you’ve probably noticed that those teams have been ATROCIOUS.

Yes, going back some years the A’s captured the AL West Division title four times (2000, 2002, 2003, 2006).  But since when does being the best out of four teams and nothing else get you all the accolades of a champion?  The dude is a flop!  His teams are flops!  And his club has no fans!  Wait til he has to deal with an angry mob of 40,000 Chicagoans in that dump of a stadium as it shakes back and forth, falling apart!

So, you know what to do, Ricketts… bring on the BEANE!  We Cardinal fans are lickin’ our chops!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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