Results tagged ‘ Glenn Beck ’

The Amazing Prophet Jeffery

prophet_joseph.jpgJust because something gets printed doesn’t mean it’s true.  And that’s a good thing, when you stop and think about it.  Some of what you come across on the internet is just plain crazy.  I’m no fan of Bush but insinuating that he was partially behind the 9/11 attacks?  That’s stupid.

However, there are also less bombastic claims that are nevertheless just as ridiculous.  For instance, my friend Mr. Lung has explained exactly why it is that the Tigers will fail this upcoming baseball season.  And he does make some good points.  But making a prediction like that at this point makes no sense.  Are the Tigers worse off than the White Sox, Indians, Royals or even the Twins?  No.  Are they a noticeably better or worse team than the one that went to the World Series in 2006?  No.  So how do you make a prediction like that?

This whole prognostication business is beyond silly.  Watching Mel Kiper play with his big board every year before the NFL draft really only leads to one logical conclusion.  With that hair and board, he’s obviously compensating for something else.  Listening to Glenn Beck talk about the failure of our monetary system and the need for his listeners and viewers to go out and buy up gold really only leads to one logical conclusion.  He obviously is holding a substantial position in the gold market.  And hearing Jeff lambaste the Tigers’ chances before training camp has really even started only leads to one logical conclusion.  He has no idea what he’s talking about and just wants to start a fight.

So, once again, I am forced to take the high road and refuse to yield to his illogical intimations.  We’ll let this play out the same way it has for more than 100 years: On the field.  If the Tigers’ pitchers throw like they did in ’06 and their hitters connect like they used to, we’ll do well.  If not, Jeff will claim he knew it all along.  That’s the beauty of making nonsensical predictions.  50% of the time you’re right all of the time.

-A

2009: A Year in Review (Pt II)

Thumbnail image for RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpgEverybody knows that baseball is a team sport — a team
sport where success hinges on the individual’s performance.  If you
don’t believe me, just ask Walter Johnson… or Ernie Banks… or
Willie Mays Hayes.

Likewise, RSBS wouldn’t be RSBS without the BS
*ahem* — as in “Blue State”, represented in high definition by our
very own misanthropic Tiger fan, Mr. Allen Krause.  Yesterday, Mr.
Krause (who also happens to be one of my best friends in all the world)
adequately summed up 2009 as only RSBS can; and while he was at it, he kindly featured some of my better pieces from the year.

Well, dear readers, what fun is life without reciprocation?

There’s
no better way to wrap up the decade than to highlight my friend’s best
work… so let us take a gander at some real Krausian masterpieces!

2nd Honorable Mention:
Being There (Part 1Part 2)
Historic, epic, monumental… I like to believe that most people were
able to set their political affiliations aside while our nation’s grip
on racism slipped.  There will only be one first non-white
presidential inauguration and Allen Krause was there.  He lent us his
senses.  He gave us some play-by-play.  Then he rejoiced that the
“unwashed hordes” were finally leaving his city.  Bravo!

Honorable Mention:

Nietzsche Was Right
Pessimistic as he may be, Mr. Krause still knows how to hit a homerun. 
This has never been more evident than in his simple line:
“you should all know that god is dead and the devil has won.” 
Referencing the Ghostbusters alongside Colbert and Nietzsche
was just icing on the existentialist cake.

2nd Runner Up:
A-Rod at the Plate
If you ever feel like pissing Allen off, mention any one of these
things with high praise: Notre Dame, Glenn Beck, the Yankees, Bud
Selig… but if you really want to get him in a tizz, you should talk
up Alex Rodriguez.  Still, unlike most folks, Al has a savvy way of
chiding fallen poster-boys.  This parody of Casey at the Bat is, in a
word, brilliant.

1st Runner Up:

RSBS Presents: Your Health
Hi-effing-larious.  Dude.  Seriously.

And the number one Allen Krause penned piece of the year is…

A Magical Mystery Tour (Part 1 & Part 2)


This sultry trip through PED-opolis, Politicotopia and Pujols-ville may
have been a sneaky way of insulting my obsessions and undermining my
sexual orientation (Jesus Christ, I’m not GAY! I like chicks! YOU
UNDERSTAND?!?!)… but the idea of there even being a
Pujols-ville where Albert hangs out in a kiddie pool full of tapioca is
oddly titillating enough to make this my favorite (albeit two-parted)
post of the year.  I hope that doesn’t make me a sicko.

And with that, my good pal Al and I would like to thank you, dear
readers, for making 2009 a fantastic experience.  This community is all
about like-minded baseball lovers; and it wouldn’t be any fun with out
the tethered creativity of Princes, She-Fans, Ranters, Deconstructors,
Phanatics, Renegades and everyone else in between.

Much success to all of us in 2010!

Now, go get drunk!

Peace,

Jeff

**Please drink responsibly… y’know… don’t drive drunk… or kill anyone… or I’ll kick your ^ss**

A Healthy Solution

As the health care bill moves to debate on the senate floor, partisans on both sides are gearing up for what is expected to be an epic battle. The conservatives, exhorted onward to ever greater paroxysms of religious (and irreligious) indignation by Glenn Beck and his ilk, decry the very thought of doing away with the current system that has failed so miserably. Meanwhile the liberals turn every which way but loose making a perfect hash out of what should have been the easiest sell in the history of sales pitches. And who suffers? Just the millions of Americans without coverage.

However, we here at RSBS may have come up with a perfectly libertarian solution which even our friend Jonestein could be proud of. Take a look at this video and pay special attention to the chorus:

There, did you catch it? “Have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire.” It’s the answer to everything. What we need right now is for all the wealthy people in our country, be they entertainers, moguls, crime lords or even baseball players, to have babies by other women so they can then pay their doctor bills. It’s foolproof!

I understand that some people will have a problem with this solution, especially the people who have to get the ugly girls pregnant. But the United States was built on sacrifice. Besides, that’s what we have ugly guys like Vincente Padilla and Bud Selig for. And they need to get on it now. Trust me Bud, it’s going to be just as bad for the girl who’s stuck with you as you think it is for yourself.

Now, we could also follow the more difficult but ultimately more sustainable path described by David Goldhill recently in The Atlantic. But, let’s be honest. Americans are incapable of that much patience and this idea would require a rationality that is light years beyond our elected representatives. And that’s why we come back to 50 Cent. He let us know that it was all right to party like it’s our birthday and now he’s solving the health care problem. If only “Candy Shop” offered some sort of solution to global warming.

-A

Ozzie Ees Gonna Be an Analeees on TV

ozzie guillen zip it.jpgThat’s right, dear readers.  White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is joining the Fox Baseball Pre & Post Game Shows as an insider analyst during the World Series.

Oh sure. 

I can’t see how this could possibly go wrong.

Unless, y’know, Ozzie tells Chris Rose that “Hees a garbage and hees children ees a garbage” or if he mentions to Mark Grace that “Hees a f^ggot” or reminds Eric Karros that “hees head ees as beeg as those peeg rats at Wreegley Feel.”

No matter how many times they have to hit the bleep button while Ozzie is on the air, I imagine his self-sacrificial lampooning for a Fox ratings spike will be less likely to fail as Glenn Beck would acting as a PETA spokesman:

Note to Mr. Beck: Don’t be killin’ no frogs on live television yo!

Hate me ‘cuz I transleeterate Ozzie’s lingo, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***IMPORTANT PROGRAMING NOTE***

Suggested to us by the always hilarious Jonestein at BABL, Mr. Krause and I will be competing in a World Series Metaphor Competition — a Metaphor-Off… yeah, let’s call it that

Why?  ‘Cuz we can.  And we will.

But we need your help!  As you know, Al and I champion ourselves as masters of the meandering metaphor; and we need your suggestions.  What do you want to see metaphorized?  (Yes, that’s a word. I made it up.)  It could be something as simple as an individual player, a team, a rule, a concept, whatever.  We want your ideas.  Email us at kraulung@gmail.com, Twitter us at @RSBS or kindly comment on a post with your suggestion.  After selecting a trio of your topics, Mr. Krause and I will then post our metaphors during the World Series and YOU the reader will vote for the winner in this best of three competition.

Don’t just sit there…. suggest, suggest, suggest!

Happy Friday!

Vicenteticus Padillicarpeus

ardi.jpgWhile you and I spend our time wondering when the Phillies bullpen will
next self destruct or why there aren’t as many green M&Ms as there
are brown, or how long it will take Glenn Beck to realize we’re laughing at him, not with him, there are some people in the world (scientists and such as) who pass the time by making ground breaking discoveries, actually furthering the intellect of the human mind.

Move over Lucy.  Make way for Ardi.

That’s right.  Australopithecus afarensis,
an extinct hominid (most commonly known as Lucy), who was once thought
to be our oldest common ancestor, now must take a backseat to the most
recently proclaimed elder of bipedalism: Ardipithecus (or Ardi for short).

Like it or not, this is a big deal because Ardi is a million years older than Lucy!  Consider her the
cougar of the archaeological bar scene.  And with her discovery, the
entire evolutionary map of modern day humans and just exactly where we came
from, how we evolved, what we once were, has been totally rewritten.

It is no longer safe to say we share a common ancestor with
chimpanzees.  More likely than not, we came from Ardi and whoever (or
whatever) came before her.  Her construction is rare, odd, striking: a
bipedal creature with an opposable big toe; an animal that walks
upright on land but acts as a quadruped in its arboreal environment,
Ardi is the corner border in a 5 gazillion trillion piece puzzle that
is the evolutionary road to modern day humans.

We’re starting to know where we came from.

Yet the only plausible explanation science can come up with for where the
ugly flop-sweat of a man known as Vicente Padilla came from is this
thing from the Clash of the Titans:

clash of the titans.JPGYep.  We’ve come a long way… just not long enough.

Hate me ‘cuz I don’t pull punches, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace

Jeff

**Special thanks to Jason Russell for the pic and assist. You can follow him on Twitter at @JasonrussellUT

Allen’s 2009 Post-Partisan Playoff Preview

mlb_logo.jpgIt’s that time of year again. October, when football has started, hockey is probably being played somewhere in Canada and the WNBA season is over. Assuming there’s still a WNBA. Anyway, all that aside, October is also notable for being the only month when it is worth visiting the state of Michigan and for the glorious event known as the MLB playoffs. And in honor of those playoffs, even though I’m a day late, it’s time to dust off another time honored tradition and bring you my second annual Post-Partisan Playoff Preview: TV pundit edition.

NATIONAL LEAGUE:
foxnews.jpg

After starting with the American League last year, I felt it only fair to begin with the National League this time around. That’s right, the National League, the right-leaning denizens of Major League baseball. Their’s is a more conservative style of play, well suited to the talking heads who avail themselves on Fox News at any and all hours of the day. Designated hitter? No, thank you. We like having an automatic out every 9 batters. Home runs? Nah, we prefer letting our guys linger on base. Government intervention? Only when it helps out our stock portfolios.

And in this fray, we begin with the defending champion Philadelphia Phillies, our Rush Limbaugh. Still the undisputed champion, just like Rush, the Phillies have been showing the cracks that come with age and being at the top for so long. The Oxycontin that is Brad Lidge could spell the end for the Phils when it comes to close games but there’s no doubt that they’ll move on from the first round.

And the main reason they’ll move on is because they’re face to face with the Glenn Beck of the NL playoffs, the Colorado Rockies. No one is denying that they’ve got star quality but both Glenn and the Rockies are missing something. For Glenn, maybe it’s those tears or the fact that he can’t spell. For the Rockies, maybe it’s that they never seem to be able to play well until it’s almost too late. But either way, they’ll both continue playing second fiddle to the guys above them.

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Dodgers are almost as slick as their preview stand-in, Bill O’Reilly. Show him the facts and he’ll show you something completely unrelated. Everything is tangential in “The No-Spin Zone” and tangential is a great way to describe how the Dodgers play. 15 game lead? Hm, maybe we can get one of our guys suspended for 50 games and play like we’re all on Ambien to tighten this thing up. But at the end of the day, they get the job done. And whether you like it or not, there’s too much talent there to be ignored.

And that’s why we bid adieu in the first round to our Sean Hannity, the St. Louis Cardinals. Things are pretty easy when you’re beating up on a guy like Alan Colmes, you know, kind of like playing in the NL Central this year. But when the chips are down, good luck against real competition.

AMERICAN LEAGUE:
cnn.jpgOn the other side, the American League, things sort out a little bit more easily. There are those who belong and those who just make you sit up and go “hm?” The National League has definitely been ascendant the last few years, winning 2 out of the last 3 World Series but the American League has a stranglehold on the All-Star Game. Whatever that’s worth.

On this side, we start at the bottom, with the Alan Colmes of the the American League, the AL Central champion Minnesota Twins! Really, you’re not excited either? Yeah, it’s pretty hard to get excited about someone who snivels in the corner while getting the snot beat out of them. No one likes a bully but no one really likes the guy who’s bleeding all over after getting beat up by the bully either. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Minnesota Twins!

Out west we check in with the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) as they do their best Rachel Maddow impression. It’s not that anyone dislikes the Angels (or Maddow) or that they wish them ill. It’s just more that they don’t matter. Kind of like the AL West and MSNBC.

And the reason they don’t matter is because they’re going to get beat by our Wolf Blitzer, the Boston Red Sox (of Boston). Although maybe not a pundit in the traditional sense, Wolf does manage to insert his personal views into the conversation. And he sure does espouse a righteous anger when explaining how CNN is the only network you can trust. But it’s just a lot of noise from someone who used to matter and really doesn’t so much anymore. Yep, kind of like the Boston Red Sox.

Which only leaves us with the flatulent faded glory of our Larry King doppleganger, the New York Yankees. You know what, we’ve won 26 championships so what do you know? Hey, I’ve been on TV since it was invented so what do you know? They both have an excuse but something smells a little funky. Which isn’t to say that they can’t get nasty from time to time. Best to give them a wide berth.

WORLD SERIES:
And this brings us to the answers you have all been seeking. I’d love to see Hannity and Colmes reunited in the World Series but since they both go down in the first round, that’s going to be kind of hard. Instead, Bill O’Reilly finally claims the coveted conservative mantle from Rush as the Dodgers avenge last year’s loss and knock off the Phillies in the League Championship Series. Meanwhile, Wolf and Larry make it an all CNN final in the American League as the Yankees square off against the Red Sox. And, true to form, the Yankees
win the pennant.

But, the way things stand in the world today, even with a Democrat in the White House and a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress, the left leaning punditocracy just can’t hang in there against the overpowering noise of the right wingers. And as left coast meets right in a broadcast and advertising orgasm, the old Yankee manager knocks off the new one. Just make sure you don’t miss the inevitable sucker punch because when the pundit-o-sphere is involved, you can be sure it’s coming.

-A

Don’t Look Back in Anger

No matter how much we want to look forward we inevitably end up looking back. Perhaps that explains why the Attorney General is looking into possible charges against CIA officers who went too far with interrogations. Perhaps it’s how we end up with a liveblog of the German invasion of Poland. And perhaps that’s why even RSBS looked 100 years into the past over the last few days.

But sometimes it is helpful to look backwards for understanding the present. Here are a few examples.

Glenn Beck’s Cantankerousness:

One word: Illiteracy

 

 Jeff’s Inability to Find a Woman:

Three words: Dungeons and Dragons

girlfriend graph.jpg

Kyle Farnsworth’s Current Home Somewhere in Missouri:

One word: Crybaby

farnsworth cries.jpgHappy Labor Day Weekend. Remember, this is your last chance to wear white so make the most of it.

-A

 

The Great Yo’ Mama War

big momma.jpgOh no.  There he goes again.  Indeed, dear readers, my errant and oft annoying colleague, Mr. Krause, is in desperate need of some verbal “fire” — the vitriolic, infernal, flesh-eating kind most notably invoked by the devil and his evil minions.

He did the unthinkable. 

He threw down the gauntlet.

He insulted Albert Pujols’ mama.

Where does Mr. Krause find all this idle time to waste on shameless maternal attacks?  As a Cardinal fan sitting on top of a 10 game lead in the NL Central, I can certainly see where I would have the time from now until October.  But Mr. Krause would make better use of his by pondering the pain he will feel once his streaky Tigers get eliminated early on in the ALDS.

Meanwhile, I’m feelin’ pretty damn good… so good that I’d like to just go on a rampage and say:

  • Miguel Cabrera’s mama is so ugly, she makes Willie McGee look like a GQ model!
  • Carlos Zambrano’s mama is so lazy, she makes Big Z look like a hard worker!
  • Ryan Braun’s mama’s teeth glow so yellow, she can almost lead the Brewers out of the darkness of the NL Central! (nah, nothing glows that yellow)
  • Manny Ramirez’s mama is so dirty, her batting helmet has a biohazard label on it!
  • And, of course, Mr. Krause, yo’ mama is so dumb, she’d probably fall for this lame Glenn Beck advance:

Hate me ‘cuz I come back fivefold, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Friday!

Peace,

Jeff

Shane Victorino Joins Jesus in Hating the Cubs

victorino beer.jpgAnd why wouldn’t he?

Picture it:

It’s the bottom of the fifth inning.  The Cubs are getting killed by the Phillies.  The bases are loaded and a high pop fly is hit to center field where Shane Victorino gets in position, sets himself to catch the ball and — SPLASH! — some idiot Cub fan in the bleachers tosses a beer down on the Flyin’ Hawaiian’s head.

What in the sam hell is goin’ on here?  Is it Do Something Stupid a la Glenn Beck night again at Wrigley?

Nope.  Just another day at the ironically coined “Friendly” Confines.

Victorino catches the ball anyway and tosses it back into the infield… but he is obviously rattled by the bush league shenanigans synonymous with the Cub faithful.

Dear readers, this ain’t no joke.  This really happened.  And it happened last night.

Yeah, yeah, a couple of not-so-intimidating ushers rushed down and apparently forced someone to leave… but was it the actual culprit whom they shooed away?  Replays make me wonder.  And was anything done to curb this type of innate dereliction?  Why, of course not!  This is what you get when you go to Wrigley Field: complete asinine behavior!

Look, I have done more than a lifetime’s worth of Cub-bashing on this site.  I know this.  And I don’t particularly like doing it.  I like to believe that I am fair in my critique because look, I get it: Not all Cub fans are delinquents (just the majority) and I even I get tired of saying the same things over and over again…

But somehow, some way, some day, I like to think this idiocy will eventually come to an end.

Though until we reach that day that will never come, Shane Victorino, no one will blame you for joining Jesus in his 100+ year plight:

There is a reason why Jesus hates the Cubs.

And pouring beer on an All-Star centerfielder while the ball is in play barely scratches the surface.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m relentless, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(*Image courtesy of Getty Images via Yahoo)

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