Results tagged ‘ GMs ’

Do or Do Not, There Is No “Try”

Oh, look, Starlin Castro went and did something stupid.  Surprise, surprise.

And, oh, look, Dale Sveum and the Cubbies brass talk the talk, but eschew the walk while doing something quite similar to twiddling their collective thumbs — thumbs that tend to be stuck in proverbially unpleasant places.

Hmm.  Haven’t we been here before with Castro?  Yes.

Hmm.  Haven’t we heard the same old “we gotta change the Cubs culture” mantra before?  Yes.

Hmm.  Haven’t we been bombarded with mythical imagery supposedly brought in on the wings of a SABR nerd?  Yes.

And yet here we are, witnessing the same old Chicago Cubs.

LOSERS.

I believe Albert Einstein was the one who said “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”  Einstein was a pretty smart fella.  Maybe it’s time the Cubs took notice of that notable quip of truth.

Instead of threatening to bench a spoiled star with as much talent as he has cluelessness, why not just bench him?  Why not teach him a lesson?  Why not teach the entire team — a team that is continuously caught with its inflated head in the clouds — and show them that there are no more third, fourth, fifth chances?

I’m a Cardinals fan.  To the death.  Part of being a Redbird fanatic is jousting with our arch rivals; but our rivals to the north are so bad that it just isn’t fun anymore.  I long for the days when our regular season match-ups actually mean something.

Unfortunately, as long as the Cubs continue to simply “try” to get better mentally, with little effort, rather than actually DOING anything about it, I’m afraid we’ll just have to rehash that same old “Brogglio for Brock” snafu.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m deliberate, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Situation Normal?

Last year the Pirates tried to put an end to my relentless attack of literary low blows.  Shortly after the All-Star break they were atop the NL Central and my head was appropriately buried in the sand (not kidding; by the way, it sucks.)

But then came Jerry Meals’ blown call and down, down, DOWN came the Pirates, settling into yet another comfortably uncomfortable 90 loss season.

Look, I’ve been burned before too, so I sorta feel for Pittsburgh.  At the same time, insanity is still doing the same things over and over again expecting different results, right?  So why should anyone in Pirate land be surprised?

THE FRONT OFFICE AIN’T DOIN’ IT RIGHT.

With the exception of Andrew McCutchen in 2005, the last 20 first round draft picks taken by Pittsburgh is a who’s who list of overblown talent busts.  Among the KINGS OF NOBODYLAND are the likes of Bobby Bradley (1999), John VanBenschoten (2001) and Bryan Bullington (2002) — great sounding names, but swings and misses nonetheless.

Neal Huntington and the rest of the front office can say they’re doing things differently, but as long as they keep hoping Pedro Alvarez spends as much time perfecting his baseball tools as he does looking at the ground feeling sorry for himself, I’m afraid they have a long way to go.

Isn’t it about time they bring up those two Indian dudes?

Hate me.  It’s all good.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and founder of Epsteinism, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“ No one in Russia believes in god.”

You know why? Because it’s cold! It’s cold there like it’s cold in Chicago right now!!

I know it’s not manly to act depressed while living in a wonderful place like this but, it’s cold. AND I’M NOT A REAL MAN.

Despite my depression, I know one thing that will bring me happiness.  MONEYBALL PART TWO: EPSTEIN BRINGS THE PAIN!  The Cubs win it all and Matt Damon stars as Theo Epstein.  I’ve already completed the first scene:

I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab or the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. Now why would I know that? Because my name is Theo Effin Epstein. THAT’S WHY.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

A Christmas Wrap-Up (Part 2)

Continuing with the end-of-year holiday tradition here at RSBS, it’s time to separate myself from my imaginary girlfriend (NSFW) and ask the interns to lock my office door so I can get down to the meaty reflection of what was the RSBS year 2011.  Additionally, I must begin the sad, fiery purge of Albert Pujols memorabilia.  For those of you who went to public schools, you know that maintaining a fire within a small, confined room may cause ill-fated side effects, so before I start to look like Bert the chimney sweep, let me get to it…

First of all, no year would be a good year without you, the dear RSBS reader.  THANK YOU, for your readership.  THANK YOU for your emails, your tweets, your comments, Facebook shares and FingerTagging!  And THANK YOU for continuing to make writing about the baseball-politico world a treat for us every single day.

Like my riveting and oft rousing colleague, Mr. Krause, I too have been very impressed with our special correspondents.  For me, nothing says sweet Miggy-I-Love-You quite like Mark Piebenga’s His Game Is Like Waves.  It presented Miguel Cabrera in a new light — that of teacher, and, considering how much Mark has taught me about what life should be about, I continue to find its lesson fitting (and helpful!).

And though I often refer to Mr. Johanna Mahmud as “the man who introduced me to the glories of the Deftones” and “the guy who schooled me on the NBA and proved why I should be madly in love with Derek Rose”, I still have room to refer to him as “the guy who writes Setting the Mahmud“!  Dude puts the “tit” in titillating with every piece.  The last article he wrote was inspiring, if only because he found a way to get a naked Yu Darvish, an ugly sweater wearing Johnny Matt Damon and a crying Paula Deen all in one place; but, like Al, I have to admit that there’s real brilliance in his Theo-fied Arthurisms.  Still, I’m a sucker for equating dead people to the performances of Adam Dunn and Miguel Tejada.  Good work, good sir.

Meanwhile, no year-end applause would be complete without a nod to my longtime friend and confidant, Mr. Allen Krause.  Known for his cynical twists on the political establishment and undying love of all things Detroit Tigers, it has been a pleasure to write on his wing.  Sometimes he’s so “on” that he finds literary genius in imagery.  Indeed, that endearing Krausian wit is often highlighted by rational thought.  Sometimes it points out the un-fact-checked obvious, other times it gets serious, with a real call for responsibility.  And, just in case you think Mr. Krause’s Libertarian-bashing makes him a soulless, automated Obamatron, this reflective piece will convince you otherwise.

But when it comes to knockin’ ‘em outta the interwebs park, I have to kowtow to the RSBS Presents series.  The brainchild of Mr. Krause, RSBS Presents has enlightened us on the finer points of fandom and how to stay classy while reminding us that, ultimately, positivity has upside during times of turmoil.  But the best of them all was learning how to score a Republican.  And here I thought it involved finding Jesus and quoting Alex P. Keaton.

Happy Christmas, Merry Hanukkah and long live King Kwanzaa!

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 31: Albert’s Infinite Zeros and Other Stuff

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Albert. Frakking. Pujols. Could this episode really be about anything else? Give it a listen, close your eyes and imagine Jeff really is strangling Johanna. No. Seriously. Do that. Please?

TRY IT!!!

Also, remember to send us a picture (to rsbsblog@gmail.com) showing why you’re RSBS‘ biggest fan so YOU can win some sweet Oakley Bender sunglasses from our good friends at Crown Royal. Pass the crown, yo!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, December 10, 2011

Valentine Masked by the Mayor

Stop it.  Stop looking at me like that.  If you want a Bobby Valentine/Red Sox dramaschlobfest post then go check out the worldwide leader in sports smut.

This is Red State Blue State.

And today we’re talking about THE MAYOR.

That’s right.  While Larry Lucchino was busy going behind Red Sox GM Ben Cherington’s back to hire a sexy manager (note: it only took them TWO FRIGGIN MONTHS TO DO THE DAMN THANG), the Cincinnati Reds announced that Sean Casey — The Mayor — would be enshrined in the Reds Hall of Fame.

Hot diggity dang!

Nevermind that Casey got in the Reds Hall of Fame by way of a fan vote.  Dude hit .305 lifetime for Cincinnati, not to mention the millions of smiles he instigated, just for being a big goofy loon armed with a sweet, sweeping lefty swing.  The Mayor is one of baseball’s good guys — the kind you wish you could trade for the likes of Milton Bradley, Kevin Brown and John Rocker — and it’s about time the good guy got some love, even if it is in Cincinnati, where sports have gone to die (just kidding, Andy Dalton).

If you watch the MLB Network, you know The Mayor’s comedic timing and all-around fun fella persona aren’t just the stuff of clubhouse lore.  He really is an unfettered goofball.  And his laugh is contagious, especially after 6 beers.

And if this Mayor induction leaves you feeling nothing else, at the very least you should feel good that the guy who brought you the only 5-7-3 ground-out in baseball history (vid here, tentatively, until the MLBAM nazis take it down) will be memorialized along with this guy:

Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a Justin Verlander fastball, this is going to be quick, hard to see and will probably guilt you into crowning me with the MVP award:

The Drah-mah in Bahhhh-ston

Leave it to the Red Sox to be all dramatified in the offseason.  As if their 2010 free agent signing flop and subsequent September fail-to-the-finish that included video games, fried chicken and an “Adios, Tito!” (let’s leave the beer out of this, shall we?) wasn’t enough drama for one year, they had to go and add to the pile by involving Bobby Valentine in their managerial search.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Bobby V and I really hope he gets the job ‘cuz he’s a bad@ss whose mere presence makes the league better (and more entertaining); but he also comes packin’ drama.  And the fact that the owners interviewed him before allowing new GM Ben Cherington to have his say suggests that the drama between ownership and the front office will continue to rival that of its on-the-field representation.

Pepper Spray: “It’s a Food Product, Essentially”

Fox News host Megyn Kelly should consider a move to the Food Network.  I think spraying Emeril Lagasse with a jumbo-sized canister of pepper spray would add some much needed tension to their programming.  And besides, pepper spray is “a food product, essentially”.

Bringing Back the Blue Jays

At a time when a Lil Wayne-impersonating white dude from Pittsburgh is tops on the music charts — in effect CRUSHING my hope for a revival of real, genuine rap music — I would like to personally thank the Toronto Blue Jays for coming back to earth, for finally being real.  When you have a classic look, there’s never a reason to change it.  The Yankees have managed this.  So have the Cardinals.  Sure they update to keep up with trends, but the core design never changes.  The Blue Jays had one of the classiest, cleanest, most memorable unis in all of baseball.

And then they changed it all for… black and gray?

It’s good to see them making good decisions again.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and podcast kidnapee, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn. I had a classical education.”

Can Theo talk to the animals? Does he speak two thousand languages? Can he communicate his agenda to the morbidly obtuse, dumb and crazy?

From horrible decisions of front offices past, to a psycho fanbase that values ivy over winning and bloated egos galore on an oddly constructed team, can Theo break on through to the other side of bad?

I imagine lunches with Carlos Zambrano can be strange. I hope they had a violinist play some Venezuelan music tableside. It may not have been quite as strange as going to temple with Hitler or eating Twinkies with Martha Stewart, but still quite ODD.

A manipulative, out of shape baby who goes on regular tirades is nothing short of potential disaster.  Big Z requested a sit-down and Epstein obliged.

Hmm… seems strange doesn’t it? The meeting went well and he’s going to give him a chance to pitch in 2012. I guess this means a trading partner couldn’t be found or perhaps Theo sees something no one else can.

“We said he’d have to work hard and that we aren’t welcoming him back unconditionally. We said he’d have to earn his way back.” (Link)

Damn straight. I hope you stick to that, Theo, and don’t be afraid to cut your losses at the first sign of the Carlos we all know. Don’t get me wrong. Z is as talented as any pitcher in the league, but that potential has never, I REPEAT NEVER been realized.

“Most of the details will stay confidential. But there are steps he needs to take to earn his way back. If he does so, we will see him in spring training and welcome him back.”

I WANT TO KNOW THOSE STEPS!!! But I’ll trust Theo on this.

For now.

If Z gets to come back and turns into the cataclysm we all know, then that will be a big strike one for me on Epstein. Own up to what you say and you will earn mad respect from this fan. Meanwhile, I’m suspending my disbelief that Zambrano will fail (again) at realizing his potential.

Don’t make me regret this, Theo. Or I’ll…

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 29: Remembering Ugueth’s Urbina and Other Stuff

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff tries his darnedest to be as polite as possible during his unfettered gloating of World Championship status (Go Cards!) while Second City’s Mark Piebenga adds some level-headed awesomeness to Johanna’s outlandishness and Allen’s seasoned straight man routine.  Among the topics of discussion are “the greatest game ever”, the woes of rebranding an already twice championed franchise (talkin’ to you, Marlins), Theo Fever in the Chi, b!tch t!ts and much, much more!

Now grab some Crown Royal and enjoy yo’ self!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter and make sure to check out his crew and their gut busting Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 12, 2011

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Muppet Aficionado, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

Left-Hand Hate KO’d by Love.

I’ve been living in the house of ill repute. I got my diploma from the University of Strange. Somehow Jeff and Allen let me spew about any and all things on this fine site, which BLOWS MY MIND.

Writers who can’t read get a lot of work because they’re rare. Like tall jockeys. Or short NBA centers. I’m RARE. I grew up with gypsies and dancers. I still can’t read but I CAN dance. And hopefully, unlike the Vatican and Penn State, I’m on the right side of child molestation…

After a great and entertaining World Series it’s free agent time! For managers AND players!

The Cubs’ pursuit of Mike Maddux is on and I’m in. In my strange, odd baseball world, I think he’d be a fine choice. I don’t really believe hitting coaches do much, but pitching coaches do. He did some fine work with the Texas Power Rangers staff and got em back to back AL pennants. I never even heard of half their guys but they pitched their tails off. The older brother of legendary Cubs and Braves great Greg Maddux deserves a shot here. He doesn’t want the Red Sox job, doesn’t want to move his family halfway across the country. And after all the drama that has unfolded in Boston’s recent collapse, who can blame him?

With Theo on board, the Cubs are close to becoming respectable. I just hope the supporting brass knows enough to leave him alone so he can do his damn job without interruptions. There were many rumors that Jim Hendry had people in his ear about who to draft and what free agents to sign. THAT CAN’T HAPPEN AGAIN!!

I remember when I got fired from Applebee’s, because I refused to take Mr. Senor Love Daddy off my name tag. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!

Hopefully this doesn’t happen to Theo. Even if he doesn’t pick Maddux, I’m sure he’ll Do the Right Thing.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

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