Results tagged ‘ Herman Cain ’

The Kyle Farnsworth of Politics

In a stunning turn of events, Herman Cain will not be the next President of the United States.  In other news, snorting pixie sticks will not get you high.  The one thing that these two items have in common is that a lot of people should have seen it coming before trying it out.

So now it’s Gingrich.  Oh right, and Romney.  It’s like the longest and most asinine game of musical chairs ever.  The only problem is that instead of removing a chair each time, they just substitute a person and make them keep playing.  Please, can we just make it stop and give Romney the nomination?  I know you don’t like him and I know you are afraid the Mormons are going to steal your children but there’s something to be said for having a candidate who’s actually qualified to run.  What’s next, Palin redux?

The real issue is that the Republicans are so adverse to nominating Romney that they treat every new challenger like how MLB treats Kyle Farnsworth.  “Well, we didn’t like him before and he hasn’t really done much but he sure looks good on paper.  Eh, what the hell.  Let’s give him a shot.”  And, just like the Republican challengers, you find yourself wondering a month or two later what you possibly could have been thinking.  And, of course, like any circle of abuse, you convince yourself that you’ll never let it happen again…

…At least not until next year when you’re looking for a middle reliever (presidential candidate) and notice that Farnsworth (Gingrich) is on the market….

-A

Jumping Thanks

Admit it.  It may be Monday, but your mind is already on Thursday — Thanksgiving — the one day of the year where your sole responsibility is to eat yourself into a coma, sprawl out on the couch and watch football for 7 hours while catnapping as necessary.

You get all of that for the small price of being thankful.

And what do I have to be thankful for this year?

I’m thankful for the 2011 Cardinals.  For the second time in six years I’m bragging about being a champion.  And I got to be a part of it by going to the first two games.  HOT DANG!

I’m thankful that, as always, whenever the Cubs triumph (Theo) they also manage to fail (Zambrano).

I’m thankful that Rick Perry has disappointed, that Herman Cain has self-destructed and Sarah Palin has invisiblized.

I’m thankful that I think I can get away with making up words.

But most of all, I’m thankful that I’ve never been punched by Mike Tyson.


Happy Thanksgiving Week Monday!

Jeff

Ya Can’t Fix Stupid

As the enemy begins yet another chapter in its century-long battle against awful, I can’t help but reflect on the one-and-done tenure of Mr. Mike Quade.  I will not question the hearty baseball acumen of the man; he’s been around this long, so he must know something.  But a leader of men he is not.

For me, his ascendancy of idiocy became relevant when his unruly, wild and uncontainable club donned t-shirts at Wrigley during batting practice that said “F**k the Goat” in big red letters across the back.  When later asked about the “goat”, Quade said he had never even heard of the curse of the billy goat, that to him, it was just a restaurant.

I was never able to determine whether his supreme stupidity was a) that he really hadn’t heard of it or b) that he had, and he was just stupid enough to think we would actually believe him.

Either way, STUPID.

I’m not saying leaders of men need to know everything there is to know about anything and everything, but they certainly do need to surround themselves with people who are informed on myriad subjects, and they must also have enough tact to know when they’re stepping into a great big pile of nast.

So if the sexual harassment charges against Herman Cain and his playfully flippant response to them haven’t deterred you from considering him as a presidential candidate, hopefully this video will:


This cannot happen, people.  This man cannot be seriously considered for the presidency.  The Republicans are in deep shizz.  And they know it.  It’s just too bad that the answer to their problems is right there, continuously ignored, continuously shut out.

It makes me very, very sad.

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Herman Cain Is Kevin Millar

Inquiring minds of dear readers galore have been BEGGING to know, just who is this Herman Cain.  Well, my friends, beg no more.  The RSBS interns and I have been doing the necessary research, and we have come to the conclusion that Herman Cain is politics’ very own Kevin Millar.

That’s right.  He’s a bumbling, fumbling hick dressed up proper who says stuff just to say stuff, even if it makes no sense.

Don’t believe me?  Check it out for yourself:


Hate me ‘cuz I got the footage to back it up, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*The above also does not assume Millar might be associated with any sexual harassment… of human beings anyway.

RSBS Presents: Reintegration

Just in case you’ve been so wrapped up in the World Series that you missed what’s going on around the US, RSBS is here to give you a quick rundown as you slowly start to reintegrate.

Occupy Wall Street:

What exactly is going on down there?

Cool, I get it now.

Herman Cain:

Who is this guy?

I think Herman is the black guy at the end…but he could be the guy with the cigarette, too.  Or maybe Herman is in all of us.  Whoa.

My Generation:

Why don’t I identify with Generation X or the Millennials?

Sweet, it’s because I’m Jared Leto!

So, there you go.  Only a game or two left.  Welcome back to America, baseball fans.

-A

Allen’s 2011 Post-Partisan Playoff Preview

Continuing a long-standing tradition here at this nearly four-year old blog, I wanted to take this opportunity to weigh in on both the MLB playoffs and the Republican primary race in a familiar format.  I had a couple thoughts about how to approach this and I really wanted to go with the early front-runner, comparing the Republican candidates to different pizza chains.  It kind of made sense with Herman Cain in the race and fittingly enough the Godfather’s Pizza of the race as well (i.e. what the hell is Godfather’s Pizza/Herman Cain).  It also allowed for the Jon Huntsman-Chicago Pizza Kitchen analogy with both being the best possible option but too few people having heard of either.

C’est la vie.

The pizza analogy had to go away, though, because just as there are only four teams left in the playoffs, there are only four candidates with the possibility of becoming the Republican nominee and that lines up much more neatly.

On one side we have the two front-runners, the American League of the nominees.  The Rangers play the role of Romney, denied their glory the last time out and hell-bent to make up for it this time around.  They’re strong fundamentally but they just can’t seem to put it together.  Sure, they shut down Rays in the first round but even though they look good, you just can’t be sure they’ll hold on through the end.

Meanwhile, the Tigers bear more than a passing resemblance to Rick Perry.  They were quiet for the first half of the season but when they finally decided to get in the race, they did it with a bang.  At one point, riding a 12-win streak, they seemed nearly invincible.  The bang has gone away, though, and now they more just seem banged up with injuries taking a toll.  They could both pull it out and they both have something to prove but the goal seems a little more elusive than it did just a few weeks ago.

Over on the National League side, we have the “non-traditional” candidates.  For instance, the Cardinals, just like Herman Cain, came out of nowhere and now are turning heads.  Tell me the truth, at the beginning of September would you have given either the Cards or Cain a snowball’s chance in hell?  But here we are in mid-October and both are not only making waves but also making people think they’re for real.

The Brewers?  Well, you just never know what you’re going to get with the Brewers.  One day they’re Ron Paul, the next they’re Michele Bachmann, then they look like Newt Gingrich, and…..well, you get the idea.  The Brewers have a serious multiple personality disorder.  They looked fabulous against the Diamondbacks and then dropped two straight.  They mopped up the field with the Cards in game 1 of the NLCS then looked like amateurs in game 2.

So where does that leave us?  Well, here are my predictions.  I think the Rangers and Romney roll the Tigers/Perry duo to face the Cards and Cain in a winner-take-all final.  But the Republicans are the party of tradition and waiting your turn.  They nominated McCain the last time around after he finished second to GB Jr. and this time it’s all about the man McCain vanquished.  You read it here first.  Romney gets the nod.  Just make sure you check back in a year when the next edition of Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview picks the winners and losers in both the playoffs and the Presidential Election.

-A

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