Results tagged ‘ Illinois ’

When Is It Okay to Beat Your Wife?

wife beater.jpgNever.

Right?

Well…

Personally, I gotta be an advocate against domestic abuse of all kinds.  Wife.  Girlfriend.  Kids.  Whatevs… don’t be beatin’ people, dear readers!  That’s my advice.

Of course, that’s not how it works everywhere.  Take the Middle East, for example.  Now I am no expert on Islam, but I have seen Law & Order and I know that in some Islamic communities, it’s pretty common practice for a man to beat his wife… to forbid she leave the house… to cover her entire body if she does.

In the west, I know that if you beat your wife and your name is Brett Myers you get to enjoy success as a Major League Baseball player and make at least $5 million a year.

I know that if you beat your wife and you play football, you might be Jim Brown and everyone will still say you were one of the greatest athletes to ever live.

scott lee cohen.jpgBut I also know that if you beat your wife and try to run for Lieutenant Governor in the state of Illinois, you BETTER THINK TWICE BUDDY!

And so it is that Scott Lee Cohen (D-Chicago) was recently forced to withdrawal from the Lt. Governor general election he earned a right to be in…  because he allegedly beat an ex-girlfriend.  And he probably beat his wife… though we can’t say for sure. 

We can say for sure (probably) that, if nothing else, Cohen is a creep.  I have no problems jumping on that bruited bandwagon, folks.  But here is my question: Isn’t Brett Myers a creep?  Isn’t Jim Brown a creep?  Sugar Ray Leonard?  Dr. Dre?  Chris Brown?  Darryl Strawberry?  Moses Malone?  Dwight Gooden?!?!?!?!

Don’t you see what I’m saying? 

Why is it okay to beat your wife and be a famous athlete or entertainer but it is definitely NOT okay to beat your wife and run for public office?

Believe me, no one knows nor cares (especially kids) who the Lt. Governor is.  Of any state.  No one cares.  Less than 20% of the population even voted in this election… so I assure you, no one cares.

But lots of people (again, especially kids) care about who is pitching for the Astros… or who the Sporting News considers to be the greatest professional football player of all time… or who made Eminem famous.

Like it or not, those are the people who influence your kids.  Those are the ones they look up to.  Those are the ones they emulate.

So good luck trying to explain to your kid why Cohen is an @s$ but Jim Brown is a god. 

This is why I don’t have kids.

Well, that and I fail in making women happy long-term (short-term, no problem).

Don’t hate me, ‘cuz I”m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Another Battle in the Gulf

Islamic_Games_medals.jpgIn a further sign that international diplomacy involves about as much maturity as A-Rod running the bases, the upcoming Islamic Games were canceled in a row over the correct name of the Persian….I mean the Arabian……I mean the Gulf.  Sure, they may say that it was about health concerns, mainly Swine Flu, but make no mistake.  This was all about the name of that infamous body of water between Iran and the Arabian peninsula.

You want context?  Think about what would happen if the delightful residents of Chicago decided to start referring to Lake Michigan as Lake Illinois.  Yeah, that just wouldn’t fly.  Besides, everyone knows that Illinois is just a third-rate state that only pretends to be American.  It only makes sense that the lake is named after the the obviously superior State of Michigan.  In fact, that’s the reason why Lake Superior is so aptly named; it’s in the superior state of Michigan.

Now, if you think the preceding paragraph presents a clear and coherent viewpoint, congratulations! You just might have what it takes to be a diplomat!  However, if you think it sounds absolutely ridiculous then I’ll present you with one more possible solution. We send Jose Offerman into the next meeting of the Islamic Games’ governing council and let him settle things the way that only he can.

-A

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