Results tagged ‘ Jeff ’

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 22: Ryan Braun’s Rumspringa… and Other Stuff

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna kick the season off by trying to name every Jewish baseballer ever known to man before PodMaster Keith let’s The 8:08 (from harried Undercast fame) into the studio… from there on out the wheels come off in one great big ball of awesomeness that includes Dodger takeovers, Hawkisms galore, goofy games that may or may not include a sexual innuendo (or fifty) and much, much more… all to make you excite!

Holla!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you take some time to check out Keith and his crew’s wicked smaaht podcast.  The man’s a filmmaker!  You can find out more at Undercard Films

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Recorded Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Setting the Mahmud

johanna mahmud.jpgRSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Slavedriver, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

He Plays with a Load in His Hands

The NFL draft is Thursday and that means we evaluate everything about everyone’s everything.  From their toe sizes to wingspans to ability to play with others to punctuality to how long they can sit through the last season of Oprah to the limitations of their menstrual cycles to how many yards they can throw a Mexican snapping turtle to how they would handle Kanye taking their MVP trophies away and giving them to Beyonce.

It’s a lot to sift through.

AND FUN!!!

Which reminded me of what’s going on with MLB closers now. Closers seem to be chosen for teams primarily by stuff and grit but also based on looks and intangibles. So….. I’ve listed some of what I look for in potential closers for when I’m king of the Cubs and I take over as Czar of the DAMNED……

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The following quotes describe facial expressions, which are the best way to determine who’s got the right stuff to end games for me:

“I’m so damn mad I’d punch a baby!”
TRANSLATION: I did odd things to Barbie dolls when my sister wasn’t looking.

“I’m gonna come over to your house tonight, wear your sister’s makeup and then beat her to death.”
TRANSLATION: I’m confused about where slavery begins and my basement’s interior design ends….

“I’m good at rallying a team from behind!”
TRANSLATION: What I really need is a bearded man with a vintage cardigan who will tell me “he has to see about a girl and its not your fault, Brian Daisy Fuentes.”

mr_weber_carving_ham.jpg“I’ve wet myself many times in public, but I DON’T CARE…”
TRANSLATION: I’ve wet myself many times in public, but I DON’T CARE.

“The best thing about me other than my heater is that I should have played the lead in Our Town. I’m egotistical, fiery aggressive and I have great athletic skillz.”
TRANSLATION: My name is Jeffery Lung and I will pretend to be your closer for a third of an inning. CHEERS!!!

“I understand angles and I’m grindy, gritty and tuffffff!”
TRANSLATION: I’M DEFINITELY WHITE AND I’M  PROBABLY AN INDIANA PACER.

One last thing about closers, because if you’re like most teams, you’ll have to find a new one soon (like by Saturday)… Russian women are like closers: when they goes, they goes fast………

–Johanna Mahmud

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BTW… if Lovie Smith could pick a closer he would be from Abilene Christian.

The Marathon and the Metaphor

IMG_20110409_194207.jpgFor now, and forever, I will always identify myself as…

A marathoner.

On Sunday, April 10, 2011, I spent 3 hours and 51 minutes running 26.2 miles along the streets of St. Louis, Missouri; and I can honestly say, it changed my life.

We often hear “the marathon” used as a metaphor for myriad events.  The baseball season… is a marathon.  Every December I look forward to… “A Christmas Story” movie marathon.  Life itself… is a marathon.  But when we say all of the above, what we are really just saying is that some things take a long, long time to complete.

Let me assure you, the marathon is much more than that.

It’s setting a goal and working towards it.

IMG_20110410_061325B.jpgIt’s taking pride in your body, listening to it, working to make it better.

It’s getting up at the crack of dawn while all your friends are sleeping in.

It’s battling fatigue, slaying freezing temps, conquering blazing sun.

It’s knowing your limits, pushing them, then pushing them again.

It’s glowing when people ask you why you’re so positive about life.

It’s metaphorizing your life, making up for past mistakes, proving you’re not a nobody.

It’s throwing the hammer down on negativity.

It’s getting a song stuck in your head that… just… won’t… stop.

It’s rewarding yourself with a big, fat, juicy burger every Sunday.

It’s asking yourself “I paid to do this????” only to realize, “Hell yeah I paid to do this!!!!”

It’s thanking strangers who hand you Gatorade and oranges and Vasoline (not always in that order).

It’s being aware of your surroundings, taking in the sights, the smells, the cowbells. 

It’s being extraordinary…

It’s being inspired…

It’s being an inspiration.

But most of all, it’s feeling like death only to discover just how alive you really are.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*PS, To the lovely, smiling woman who held up a sign shortly before Mile 3 that read “If you don’t finish, Albert Pujols will sign with the Cubs”… well, I want you to know that around the 22 mile marker, when I just about wanted to die, I thought about that sign and I finished that damn race for you. MUAH!

RSBS Digest: Badass

bat_catch.jpgI think that picture just about says it all.  Catch flying bat in one hand, gyroscopically protect beer in other.  There’s a pretty good chance he impregnated the woman in front of him during the process, too, because when you’re that badass, nothing can stop you.

You know what else is badass?  Tigers.  Sure, you can make all the jokes you want about the 2008 team that started off losing way too many games to the Royals or the 2003 team that lost 119 games.  The fact of the matter is, Tigers are badass.  You want proof?  How about a tiger killing a lion.  Yeah.  You don’t get much more badass than that.

Good journalism, though, means looking at both sides of an argument.  I have presented you with my understanding of badass but it’s hard to judge badassness unless you have seen its inverse as well.  You know, something that is not badass.  For instance, this:

Jeff & Allen 2.2009 019.jpgAnd with that I think we are all in agreement on what does and does not constitute badass.

Enjoy your weekend!

-A

The Filibuster

If you could spend the day with any non-Cardinal baseball player
currently playing in the majors, who would it be and what would you do?

Melissa
Sandusky, OH
____________________________________

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Is it just me or am I constantly being set up by my friends and dear readers to expound on my favorite baseballers in a way that encourages embracing a certain, subtly disclosed homoerotic undertone?

Or, maybe I’m just reading too much into it.

I dunno.

Okay, Melissa, so you take away my number one and two options by canceling out the Cards; but let me assure you, the number three spot is also a no-brainer.  For me, anyway.  Of course, you may be shocked to hear it but for this hypothetical man-crush date (is it a man-crush date or did I make that part up too?) I’m going with the one, the only:

Stephen James Strasburg.

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WHAT!?!?

Exactly.

Here’s how our date day will go…

9 a.m. Workout
I pick Stephen up and we head to the Nats’ training facility.  I am Stephen’s shadow.  I do very little talking and a whole lot of observing.  I don’t wanna make this strange for the 22 year old phenom, so I just go with the flow.  I know Stephen is out for the season, recovering from Tommy John surgery, but a man’s still gotta stay in shape and I wanna know how he does it. (Also, when no one is looking, I coat Nyjer Morgan’s supportive equipment with government grade Tiger Balm.)

12 p.m. Lunch

We eat a healthy, protein-packed lunch that will fire our fast twitch muscle fibers so we recover faster, to become stronger.  I now start asking questions, overly aware of how annoying I can be when given free reign to discuss all-things baseball.  Eventually, these questions lead to hitter preparation science, so off we go to…

2 p.m. Video Room
I want to get inside the head of Stephen Strasburg.  So I present to him a reel of the Major League’s best hitters: Albert Pujols, Adrian Gonzalez, Joey Votto.  I want to know how he is going to approach them.  I want to see him point out their holes.  Stephen, of course, is as calculated as he is modest, and he ain’t givin’ up too many secrets.

3 p.m.  Practice Field [For this part, let us forget that Stephen can’t pitch right now, shall we?]
Luckily, I brought along my catcher’s equipment from high school (it all still fits!), including my over sized mitt.  I take my place behind the plate and ask Stephen to go easy on me.  In high school I think the fastest fastball I ever caught was in the 70 mph range.  After three Strasburg change-ups, I lose all feeling in my catching hand.  But this is Stephen Friggin’ Strasburg, so I man up, take the pain and ask for more.  Watching his yacker yack and his fastball bite, wow… just, wow.

5 p.m. My Crib
All my best friends (Mr. Krause, Johanna Mahmud, Yadier Molina) come over to my place.  We got beer.  We got wings.  We got pizza.  We also got a big screen HD TV showing the very first Strasmas ever: June 8, 2010 — the greatest single regular season game that didn’t mean anything, ever played, in the history of my universe.  Ever.  We watch in amazement as Stephen talks us through each at-bat, each pitch, each hair raising moment. 

After three plus hours of pizza, wings, beer and Strasmas in my very own living room, I am finally able to sit back on my couch, relax, and wait to die.

It’s been a splendid day.

Life is good.

Don’t hate me.

‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a
free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout just making Mr. Krause look as silly as Mario Lopez hosting a television show (trust us, it ain’t hard)?  Send us your Filibuster questions
by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 20: Utley’s Multiple Meniscuses… and Other Stuff

betty white and alf podcast photo.jpg

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

The proverbial (and literal) gloves come off in this verbal masquerade of utter ridiculousness and yes, injuries do occur (though mostly to Johanna and, since they are mental in nature, hardly noticed).  Among the topics of conversation one will find: Jeff’s wandering Forever 21 eyes, Zack Greinke’s ribs, the difference between a half and a full nelson, Cameroonian baseball, Bud Selig-bashing take 47 and much, much more… all to make you smile, laugh and play!

Holla!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith is all over the interwebz killin’ it.  You should definitely check out his crew and their subsequently hilarious podcast at Undercard Films.  And keep your eye out for what’s next.  Dude’s makin’ a movie!

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Recorded Saturday, March 12, 2011

Double Talkin’ Double Dream Hands

Jeff & Allen 2.2009 010.jpg“It would be nice if my coauthor had similar intestinal fortitude when considering baseball orthodoxy.”
Mr. Allen Krause, March 9, 2011

In the above quote my gruff and oft extraneous colleague, Mr. Krause (also pictured above), says a bunch of stuff without really saying a bunch of stuff.  Like a politician jockeying for the attention of the masses, he assumes that by stuffing some multisyllabic extra-credit words in your face, that you will just trust he knows what he’s talking about, that you will quietly nod and accept his worldview even though it has no basis in reality (ironically, this is exactly what evangelicals are famous for, the very people Mr. Krause was thwarting all along).

POPPYCOCK!

For ye are the dear readers of RSBS – a vast realm of learned baseball folks who can’t be hoodwinked by a mere impostor of authority!  We demand truth!  We demand beauty!  We demand beer!

In fact, you know what Mr. Krause does when he’s not writing about baseball, solving the world’s socio-political problems or pipedreaming about a World Series trophy among the rubble also known as the Motor City?

He’s busy bein’ a YouTube sensation, that’s what.  Maybe you’ve seen this special performance of his…

Take it away, Al!

Yeah, it would be nice if my coauthor had the intestinal fortitude to eschew cliche bubble-gum lyrics and an equally horrifying jazz-hand infested dance routine, but hey, I’m not the boss of him.

So hate me.  It’s cool.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*Detroit Tigers Spring Training Watch*
Miguel Cabrera has been in camp almost a week now without slurring his words or asking anyone “Do you know who I am!?!?!?!”  Hot dog!!!

Orthodoxy, Zombies and Baseball

Jeff_2009.jpgWhen Jeff and I discuss our views on the past, present and future of baseball, we often disagree but rarely allow the dissent to become mean-spirited.  Sure, there may be the occasional ad hominem attack comparing the other person to Neville Chamberlain but it’s all in good fun.  Baseball, like most aspects of life, evolves over time and as choices get made, we see how those choices affect the game and debate the effects.

What happens when your debate can never be settled, though?  For instance, what happens when the the debate itself is grounded in faith and a belief that things work one way or another in the afterlife?  I’m not talking about zombies here, because we (and others) have already made preparations for that.  If and when the zombie apocalypse comes, the fact of whether or not we were ready will be easily observable.

Instead, I’m talking once again about religion and what happens when someone challenges the orthodoxy.  For Galileo, it meant facing the Inquisition.  For Martin Luther, it meant excommunication.  For Rob Bell, no one knows as of yet.  That doesn’t mean the religious establishment hasn’t automatically turned their guns on him, though.

For me, the argument is moot since I don’t believe in god.  But the fact that Mr. Bell has decided to address the sticky question of what happens to those who don’t believe in the christian god but also never heard about him, exhibits a little less disingenuous thought than one commonly expects from the hardcore evangelicals.  It would be nice if my coauthor had similar intestinal fortitude when considering baseball orthodoxy.

-A

Y’Can’t Crush Dis

jeff and allen crush.jpgTwo years ago, in order to quell our insatiable desire for all-things baseball prior to Opening Day, my woebegone and oft curt colleague (Mr. Allen Krause) and I decided to get our baseball fill through glorious song.  Said gloriousness was achieved by lip-syncing “Crush” by David Archuleta. 

It was da bomb.

And it played a major role in making RSBS a household MLBlog name.

Everything was perfect…

UNTIL…

Sony had the video blocked.  About a year ago.  They claimed we shouldn’t be able to post the material because it was not our music.  We acknowledged that — DUH — but retorted that ours fell under parody law, that we made no claim that it was our song.  We gave credit where it was due and only asked that our interpretation of Archuleta’s hit be given a chance to thrive, because other baseball beserkers would find it consoling during the antsy prelude to the long season.

Somehow, the baseball gods were appeased.  And “Crush” is back online.*

For all of our dear readers — new, old, barely breathing — please, enjoy the show!

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

**Apparently, some folks outside the US may still have it blocked. So, uh… guess you better move to ‘Merica so you can see it.

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 19: Mr. Cokey’s McBrainface… and Other Stuff

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna (well, mostly Johanna) push the boundaries of political correctness, in that, well, they don’t see any boundaries.  At all.  Hot dog!  They also get into pretty much anything and everything, including but not limited to Miggy Cabrera’s drinky-time, Albert Pujols’ year long stranglehold on Cardinals fans, a beyond the grave interview with Ron Santo and much, much more… all to make you have happy ending!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith does it all, yo! If you haven’t already, please check out Keith’s crew and subsequent podcast at  Undercard Films. They’ll make you laugh. They’ll make you cry. They’ll make your face hurt! In a good way! 

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Recorded Saturday, February 19, 2011

 

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