Results tagged ‘ Jesus Hates the Cubs ’
People Who Are Worse Than Carlos Zambrano
2. Jeffrey Dahmer
3. ?????
Sorry, that’s all I could come up with.
Big Z is nothing but a Big Dick. I feel for my Cub fan friends right now. I really do.
He is — and ALWAYS HAS BEEN — a dark stain on the game, on his team, on my city.
So I hope he never comes back.
Happy Saturday!
J
Things We’ll Miss About Lou…
Jesus and I may not love the uni he’s been donning the last few years; but heck, it’d be pretty sacrilegious to hate on a man who has provided the masses with unfettered improvisational entertainment throughout his entire career.
So Al, I and the RSBS interns would all like to wish Lou Piniella the very best in his retirement while reminiscing on those things we’ll miss the most about him:
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His Preggers Belly
You know the drill. Lou shows up to Arizona in the Spring in excellent shape, nary a roll on his tummy. A few hapless months of frustrating baseball and countless cold ones later and he magically looks like he oughta be resting for the end of his third trimester. Some managers utilize the brim of their caps to intimidate umpires during a raucous; Lou bumps bellies.
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His Love for the Bottle
Realize that I realize that I am taking certain liberties in proclaiming that Lou has a love for booze. I mean, he’s a man. He’s also a ballplayer. And he’s often seen in the clubhouse with a drink in his hand. So that makes him like 90% of the people I know on earth (me included) which makes me like him even more. It almost makes me want to bar hop the Tampa Bay metro area until I eventually run into him. I can’t promise I’ll be able to form coherent sentences at that point, but I would sure try.
Be good, Lou. Be good.
And come back if ya want. Baseball without you just won’t be the same.
Hate me ‘cuz I hate on your sCrUBBIES, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff
The Filibuster
I’m a huge baseball fan and I love your blog but sometimes I worry about
all the blasphemy. Any chance you guys could tone that down a little?
More baseball, less blasphemy.
Jonathan
Wheaton, IL
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Blasphemy?
What blasphemy?
We don’t know no stinking blasphemy!
The following are all FACTS that our loyal interns have researched thoroughly. If you do not regard them as FACTS then that is your problem and not ours because they’ve been teaching this stuff for a couple thousand years and I don’t know about you, but anything that has been taught for a couple thousand years MUST be FACT…
Jesus Only Likes Certain Baseball Players
You will know which players he likes by the individual player’s performance. Jesus will help guys get homeruns but for those whom he detests (Mark Reynolds comes to mind) he will cause problems by making him strikeout with runners in scoring position. If this is too confusing, then think of it this way: Jesus loves Josh Hamilton, hates Aramis Ramirez. Loves Albert Pujols, hates Raul Ibanez. Loves Stephen Strasburg, hates Kenshin Kawakami.
Jesus May Be Johnny Damon
The bloodwork still needs to be finalized — the midichlorians counted over again — but we’re pretty sure that Johnny Damon still holds the key as the physically reformed Jesus on earth. He helped the Red Sox win the 2004 World Series; if that isn’t proof that Jesus is really the son of god and stuff then I don’t know what else to say to convince you. If you don’t believe, then you probably don’t believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny either… both unforgivable offenses.
The Face on this Baseball Belongs to Jesus
Don’t believe me? Well, then prove that it’s NOT Jesus’ face! Yeah, hahahaha, sucker!!! I knew you couldn’t do it. Now what? That’s Jesus’ face, dude. For serious…
Jesus Loves to Surprise His Devotees
One day after softball practice, I walk to my car, open up the backseat and BAM! Jesus bats!
Now if Jesus wasn’t real, if god didn’t want to show me miracles in my life, then how in the hell would these Jesus bats end up in my car all of the sudden? Huh?!? Well??? Exactly. Jesus put them there… ‘cuz Jesus loves me… and…
Jesus Hates the Cubs
Some things just never get old…
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff
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*Suggestions on how to draw the prophet Muhammad without getting murdered also welcome.
RSBS Presents: Jesus’ Greatest B-Sides
Not content with being just the son of god or co-author of the best-selling book in history, Jesus has been on a rampage as of late. Whether showing up in professional athletes’ thank yous or inspiring American presidents into wasteful wars thousands of miles away from American shores, JC has moved up in the world from simple carpenter to internationally recognized architect.
In honor of Jesus’ (pronounced a la espagnol) spate of success, it only seemed fair that we honor him like we have honored other life changers. But how do you go about honoring a man with such an impressive resume? The hits are so well-known that repeating them just seems, well, repetitive.
So, we came up with another measure. Every best selling artist has a set of secondary works that, although impressive in their own right, never make quite the same splash as the ones set on repeat. However, maybe it’s time they get a little airplay of their own. To that end, RSBS would like to present Jesus’ greatest B-sides.
Personal Jesus
We’ve all heard the story about how Jesus gave someone the confidence or the extra push they needed to make it through something difficult. But what about the guy who wasn’t able to get that second wind and ended up flat on his face 2 miles short of the marathon finish line? Was it because Jesus tripped him? Turns out that Jesus really is always there and often responsible for the failures. In fact, we now have proof (although it is only available via an artist’s rendering of the occasion).
Just the Two of Us
There’s nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend. I had one named Paul when I was growing up. Sometimes that imaginary friend can be a big d!ck, though:
Jesus Hates the Cubs
No list would be complete without the modern day favorite and RSBS production, Jesus Hates the Cubs. And it’s extra funny because it’s true:
So, there you have it, a contemporary hit list of JC’s lesser known smashes. Keep ‘em coming, big guy. You must have another Crusade in you at least.
-A
The RSBS Digest: Poor Management
When I quit smoking, I took up the habit of chewing on toothpicks — to keep my orally stimulated addiction in check. The worst part about it? People often say: “Hey, Jeff, fiddlin’ with ‘dem toothpicks… you remind me of Dusty Baker.”
Ick.
Being compared to Baker may make my skin curdle with infectious disgust, but I suppose that’s still better than blackening my lungs and dying young of emphysema.
Or is it?
Dear readers, believe me, I do respect Dusty Baker as a human being. I mean, look at him, he breathes on his own, his heart pumps without having to think about it… all very impressive indeed; but as a baseball connoisseur, there’s no way in Jesus-hates-the-Cubs-Hell I want him managing my baseball team. Often blamed for the mass destruction of young, promising arms with infinite potential (see Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Homer Bailey), Dusty Baker also lacks the one thing that makes good managers great and great managers Tony LaRussa… and that thing is: common sense.
In the 7th inning of last evening’s contest between the Cardinals and Reds, a game that at that point was still wide open, Dusty Baker brought in his nearly-virginal relief pitcher, young righty Logan Ondrusek, to face Brendan Ryan. With Albert Pujols on deck, Ondrusek quickly walked Ryan, unable to find the strike zone like Mr. Krause is unable to find a meaningful relationship with a woman (though, to his credit, he does surprisingly well with primates). Instead of yanking Ondrusek like he probably should have, Dusty left the kid — in only his second Major League appearance — in the game to face one of the greatest hitters of all time.
Albert rocked him.
So did Matt Holliday.
Game over.
Welcome to the Big Leagues, kid! If your arm didn’t hurt before you became a Redleg, believe me when I say you won’t even be able to shake hands after Dusty’s done with ya!
Hate me ‘cuz I put it out there, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff
New Year, Same sCrUBS
Some of the names may have changed, but the bad contracts continue to pile up. The Chicago Cubs off-season moves have made the Cardinals a much better team than the Cardinals could have made themselves; and the Cards haven’t done… well, anything really.
But watching the Cubs destroy themselves is nothing new.
And when trying to reassert my anti-Cubs passion during the long winter, I got an early charge from this recent Marlon Byrd signing. Huzzah! Hey, Chicago, whadya say? The Cubs are gonna overpay for a centerfielder today!
And a right fielder (Fukudome)…and a left fielder (Soriano)…
Didn’t y’all learn anything about immediately signing a guy from Texas coming off a career year? Nah. Nevermind.
The Prince of New York paints a nice, self-destructive picture of the Cubs organization hinged on that Byrd deal; meanwhile, I’m beginning to believe Jim Hendry is employing the James Cameron school of thought by throwing a ton of money at something that is fundamentally underdeveloped, hoping it will be a hit (or be able to hit… a breaking ball, in particular, if you’re Alfonso Soriano).
The difference is: James Cameron threw a lot of money at some stuff that actually looks cool even if the story is sorta lacking. I mean, I didn’t love Avatar, but I was certainly entertained by it. One can’t say the same for what lines up to be another epic bust of a season for the sCrUBBIE dubbies.
It’s 2010.
And Jesus hates them.
Still.
Don’t hate me, ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff



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