Results tagged ‘ Jesus ’

Decision Points’ Decision Points

decision points george w bush.jpgMan, I miss baseball. 

I know, dear readers.  It’s only been three days.  And sprinkled in there I got to indulge in a long awaited Senior Circuit victory in the only All-Star Game that US Americans actually care about.  But three days is three days; and without a constant barrage of baseball stuff (pick-offs, home-plate collisions, oppo-taco bombs) I tend to go a bit batty.

Thankfully, our trusted RSBS interns know how to quell my baseball madness as they were able to use their unpublicized delinquent ways to grab me a sneak peek at the much anticipated and poignant decision making tell-all by our 43rd president, George W. Bush.  The book is called Decision Points

And yes, that title (with that author) is an oxymoron.

Still, we think you’ll appreciate these snippets of Dubyan enlightenment:

gw bush laughing.jpg“Making decisions… well, that’s hard.  Ya do it ‘cuz ya hafta.  Like
NAFTA.  But I didn’t do that.  What is NAFTA?  Does anyone know?  It rhymes.  I like rhymes… for the times… tequila and limes.  See!”

“I ran the country like I ran the Rangers and if that meant sitting in the bottom of the West, well, then that’s what it takes… or is it took?  Tooken?  Yeah, that’s what it tooken.”

“I told Mel Gibson, ‘if you’re gonna make a Jesus movie, make sure there’s lots of blood.  Whip that Jesus!  And make Mary Magdalene hot.  No fake boobs, but make her hot.’  Did you know Mel Gibson’s from Austria?  He don’t even have an accent.”

“Hehehe… wait til ‘Merica finds out I’m a big Nickelback fan.  Look at this photograph… hehehe… it’s hard to say it, goodbye, goodbye.  Kinda makes me wanna cry.  Hey, that rhymes too!  Hot dawg!!!”

And finally…

“If it looks like a Saddam and it talks like a Saddam then it must be Osama bin Laden!  Let’s blow some s*** up!”

Hate me ‘cuz I got to see it before you did, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 5: Bonilla’s Bonus Button… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 3.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff, Al & that rock-n-rollin-Cub-lovin’ sage Johanna Mahmud take on all things ‘Merica, including (but not limited to) Rinku and Dinesh, Carlos Zambrano, The Hills (seriously? that happened?), the All-Star Game, the Lou
Piniella Mailbag and much,
much more… all to make you laughy-laughy!

Holla!

-
– -

Subscribe
to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe

via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  His Undercast
podcast is a must-listen (listen to it!).  It’s available on iTunes and
is posted regularly at Undercard

Films.

Recorded Monday, July 5, 2010

The Filibuster

I’m a huge baseball fan and I love your blog but sometimes I worry about
all the blasphemy.  Any chance you guys could tone that down a little? 
More baseball, less blasphemy.

Jonathan
Wheaton, IL
____________________________________

pissed-jesus.jpgBlasphemy?

What blasphemy?

We don’t know no stinking blasphemy!

The following are all FACTS that our loyal interns have researched thoroughly.  If you do not regard them as FACTS then that is your problem and not ours because they’ve been teaching this stuff for a couple thousand years and I don’t know about you, but anything that has been taught for a couple thousand years MUST be FACT…

Jesus Only Likes Certain Baseball Players
You will know which players he likes by the individual player’s performance.  Jesus will help guys get homeruns but for those whom he detests (Mark Reynolds comes to mind) he will cause problems by making him strikeout with runners in scoring position.  If this is too confusing, then think of it this way: Jesus loves Josh Hamilton, hates Aramis Ramirez.  Loves Albert Pujols, hates Raul Ibanez.  Loves Stephen Strasburg, hates Kenshin Kawakami.

jesus and the 2004 red sox.jpgJesus May Be Johnny Damon
The bloodwork still needs to be finalized — the midichlorians counted over again — but we’re pretty sure that Johnny Damon still holds the key as the physically reformed Jesus on earth.  He helped the Red Sox win the 2004 World Series; if that isn’t proof that Jesus is really the son of god and stuff then I don’t know what else to say to convince you.  If you don’t believe, then you probably don’t believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny either… both unforgivable offenses.

The Face on this Baseball Belongs to Jesus
Don’t believe me?  Well, then prove that it’s NOT Jesus’ face!  Yeah, hahahaha, sucker!!! I knew you couldn’t do it.  Now what?  That’s Jesus’ face, dude.  For serious…

jesus face baseball.jpgJesus Loves to Surprise His Devotees
One day after softball practice, I walk to my car, open up the backseat and BAM!  Jesus bats!

jesus bats.jpgNow if Jesus wasn’t real, if god didn’t want to show me miracles in my life, then how in the hell would these Jesus bats end up in my car all of the sudden?  Huh?!?  Well???  Exactly.  Jesus put them there… ‘cuz Jesus loves me… and

Jesus Hates the Cubs

Some things just never get old…

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see
Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
kraulung@gmail.com. 

*Suggestions on how to draw the prophet Muhammad without getting murdered also welcome.

The Filibuster

You guys seem to have an opinion on most everything.  So tell me, what
do you think about the Reds, the Rays and the oil spill in the Gulf of
Mexico?  Any chance they’re related?

Evan
Sandusky, OH
____________________________________


Us?  Have an opinion?  Ya don’t say!  Shall we?

dusty baker reds.jpgSubject: The Cincinnati Reds
Like oil spills, Republican victories and the birth of Mr. Krause, accidents do happen, people.  Does a team led by a professional arm-killer who says “dude” way too often despite his old age have what it takes to stay in contention all year long?  Probably.  I mean, Dusty Baker has done it before.  But just like before, this team too will eventually find a way to sink back down towards expectations.  Let’s face it: the only reason the Reds are atop the Central Division right now is because the Cardinals are faltering… but they won’t for long.
Opinion: Overrated, destined to fail, not worth your time

Tampa Bay Rays.jpgSubject: The Tampa Bay Rays
Gee whiz!  If ever there were a case for the evangelical loonies to get involved with Major League Baseball (not counting Josh “I love Jesus when he lets me do body shots” Hamilton) then this rise to the top for the Tampa Bay Rays is certainly it.  Who knew that the only key to success for this once hapless franchise was to remove the word “devil” from their name?  Any guesses for when the Yankees will try to follow suit by removing “New York” from theirs? 
Opinion: Playoff Bound

chase utley oily hair.jpgSubject: BP Oil Spill
Like the Cincinnati Reds, Republican victories and the birth of Mr. Krause, accidents do happen, people.  Oh… wait, did I already use that line?  That must’ve been Johnnie Walker talking.  Unfortunately, no amount of whisky will make this terrible accident and its disastrous effects go away anytime soon.  Not since Chase Utley last removed his cap has the planet been exposed to such oil laden horrors; I expect clean-up efforts will require immense patience, determination and confidence… which, coincidentally, is also the recipe for surviving a summer in Philadelphia.  Not everyone makes it out alive.
Opinion: This really sucks

Now… are they related you ask?

In as much as these events and situations are all taking place on the planet earth, in the month of May, two years before our imminent destruction predicted by the Mayans… yes, they are related.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry too much. 

So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
kraulung@gmail.com. 

***A lock from Jayson Werth’s now shaven beard also welcome… Al is weird like that.


RSBS Presents: Jesus’ Greatest B-Sides

guitar_Jesus.jpgNot content with being just the son of god or co-author of the best-selling book in history, Jesus has been on a rampage as of late.  Whether showing up in professional athletes’ thank yous or inspiring American presidents into wasteful wars thousands of miles away from American shores, JC has moved up in the world from simple carpenter to internationally recognized architect.

In honor of Jesus’ (pronounced a la espagnol) spate of success, it only seemed fair that we honor him like we have honored other life changers.  But how do you go about honoring a man with such an impressive resume?  The hits are so well-known that repeating them just seems, well, repetitive. 

So, we came up with another measure.  Every best selling artist has a set of secondary works that, although impressive in their own right, never make quite the same splash as the ones set on repeat.  However, maybe it’s time they get a little airplay of their own.  To that end, RSBS would like to present Jesus’ greatest B-sides.

Personal Jesus
jesus_haiti.jpgWe’ve all heard the story about how Jesus gave someone the confidence or the extra push they needed to make it through something difficult.  But what about the guy who wasn’t able to get that second wind and ended up flat on his face 2 miles short of the marathon finish line?  Was it because Jesus tripped him?  Turns out that Jesus really is always there and often responsible for the failures.  In fact, we now have proof (although it is only available via an artist’s rendering of the occasion).

Just the Two of Us
There’s nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend.  I had one named Paul when I was growing up.  Sometimes that imaginary friend can be a big d!ck, though:



Jesus Hates the Cubs

No list would be complete without the modern day favorite and RSBS production, Jesus Hates the Cubs.  And it’s extra funny because it’s true:

So, there you have it, a contemporary hit list of JC’s lesser known smashes.  Keep ‘em coming, big guy.  You must have another Crusade in you at least.

-A

Playing Favorites

jesus_runs.jpgI grew up in a very Christian house and I remember being tickled pink whenever one of my sports heroes would thank god after a big win.  Every Lions fan knew that Barry Sanders and JC were tight.  One of my earliest baseball memories is Frank Tanana on TV thanking the big guy for helping him win the game that clinched the division and got the Tigers into the 1987 ALCS with the Twins. 

But I started to wonder a few years ago: How come god plays favorites like that?  I mean, why did he help out Tanana that afternoon but then totally leave the Tigers hanging out to dry in the actual playoffs?  Were the Twins fans just praying harder?

Finally I realized that it has nothing to do with god at all.  If Dave Dravecky and Orel Hershiser, two incredibly (some might say fanatically) devout Christians, pitched against each other, god didn’t magically flip a coin and decide which one of his children would win and which would lose.  Either they made their pitches and got run support or they lost.

davidwells.JPGI guess my point is that I’d like to see us get beyond all of this.  Tim Tebow didn’t win a national championship for Florida because Jesus came down and guided his passes.  He won because he spent hours on the field and in the weight room preparing for those games.  I’m guessing Tanana did the same thing.  In fact, if there’s anything that should make you wonder about the possibility of divine intervention, consider David Wells.  How that man can launch that girth out of bed every morning, much less throw a perfect game, is the only evidence of miracles that I’ve ever seen.

-A

The RSBS Digest: Poor Management

dusty-baker-toothpick.jpgWhen I quit smoking, I took up the habit of chewing on toothpicks — to keep my orally stimulated addiction in check.  The worst part about it?  People often say: “Hey, Jeff, fiddlin’ with ‘dem toothpicks… you remind me of Dusty Baker.”

Ick.

Being compared to Baker may make my skin curdle with infectious disgust, but I suppose that’s still better than blackening my lungs and dying young of emphysema. 

Or is it?

Dear readers, believe me, I do respect Dusty Baker as a human being.  I mean, look at him, he breathes on his own, his heart pumps without having to think about it… all very impressive indeed; but as a baseball connoisseur, there’s no way in Jesus-hates-the-Cubs-Hell I want him managing my baseball team.  Often blamed for the mass destruction of young, promising arms with infinite potential (see Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Homer Bailey), Dusty Baker also lacks the one thing that makes good managers great and great managers Tony LaRussa… and that thing is: common sense.

In the 7th inning of last evening’s contest between the Cardinals and Reds, a game that at that point was still wide open, Dusty Baker brought in his nearly-virginal relief pitcher, young righty Logan Ondrusek, to face Brendan Ryan.  With Albert Pujols on deck, Ondrusek quickly walked Ryan, unable to find the strike zone like Mr. Krause is unable to find a meaningful relationship with a woman (though, to his credit, he does surprisingly well with primates).  Instead of yanking Ondrusek like he probably should have, Dusty left the kid — in only his second Major League appearance — in the game to face one of the greatest hitters of all time.

Albert rocked him.

So did Matt Holliday.

Game over.

Welcome to the Big Leagues, kid!  If your arm didn’t hurt before you became a Redleg, believe me when I say you won’t even be able to shake hands after Dusty’s done with ya!

Hate me ‘cuz I put it out there, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

JC: Like a Mountie

With today’s brief lull before baseball re-emerges in all its fury to make us forget that basketball and hockey even exist and JC’s big day coming up tomorrow, it seemed like a perfect time to dig into the vault and bring back a classic.  Me, I can’t get enough of it.

Happy Easter Saturday or whatever you call today!

-A

“No Man Knows the Day or the Hour” Except Maybe Tupac

sky god.jpgWhy anyone gifted enough to become a Major League Baseball player would ever give it all up to pursue a priesthood that follows an entity as tangible as the tooth fairy is certainly a question I cannot answer.

Perhaps Grant Desme can.

Because after a promising minor league career in the Oakland A’s organization, Desme got a call from God (I hope it wasn’t a collect call ‘cuz gee whiz the sky is way high up and way far away!) and now he’s leaving baseball all together… to become a priest.

Yeah.  Okay.  Have fun with that, dude.

If you can, Mr. Desme, please hurry up and learn all there is to learn about the church so you can answer the questions this guy can’t:

First of all, Tupac did know he was gonna die.  He also knew he was gonna die young.  He said it many times.  And it’s on the internet.

Secondly, being a black man does not automatically make you an authority on Tupac.  I am white; but I know more about Tupac than I do about myself.  So eat it, pal.

And finally, if you have watched “all the videos on Tupac” you would know that Tupac prophesied  his own, early, tragic death… that he and Jesus are in the same category (both saviors to many, both prolific speakers, both attained mythic status), only we have more proof that Tupac rose from the dead than we do Jesus.

Grant Desme, you have a lot of work ahead of you in setting the story straight.  Good luck, and hopefully we will all meet up at that great “gangsta party” in the sky.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

P.S. I really appreciate the idea of you all helping me find a woman to take out on a date. That is very kind of you; maybe I should help Allen find a boyfriend on the internet. It’s been a while since he’s dated a real nice guy, you know, so maybe I should help him out. I mean, that’s what friends are for.

New Year, Same sCrUBS

cubs-fan-crying.jpgSome of the names may have changed, but the bad contracts continue to pile up.  The Chicago Cubs off-season moves have made the Cardinals a much better team than the Cardinals could have made themselves; and the Cards haven’t done… well, anything really.

But watching the Cubs destroy themselves is nothing new.

And when trying to reassert my anti-Cubs passion during the long winter, I got an early charge from this recent Marlon Byrd signing.  Huzzah!  Hey, Chicago, whadya say?  The Cubs are gonna overpay for a centerfielder today!

And a right fielder (Fukudome)…and a left fielder (Soriano)…

Didn’t y’all learn anything about immediately signing a guy from Texas coming off a career year?  Nah.  Nevermind.

The Prince of New York paints a nice, self-destructive picture of the Cubs organization hinged on that Byrd deal; meanwhile, I’m beginning to believe Jim Hendry is employing the James Cameron school of thought by throwing a ton of money at something that is fundamentally underdeveloped, hoping it will be a hit (or be able to hit… a breaking ball, in particular, if you’re Alfonso Soriano).

The difference is: James Cameron threw a lot of money at some stuff that actually looks cool even if the story is sorta lacking.  I mean, I didn’t love Avatar, but I was certainly entertained by it.  One can’t say the same for what lines up to be another epic bust of a season for the sCrUBBIE dubbies. 

It’s 2010.

And Jesus hates them

Still.

Don’t hate me, ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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