Results tagged ‘ Jesus ’

A Triumvirate of Candidates to Succeed King Bud

lenin mickey mouse jesus.jpgBy now everyone knows that the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball will get a fresh face in 2012 (conveniently, that is the year we’re all gonna die anyway).  But just in case those thousand year old destruction theories are not accurate, let us start to think about who might be able to save baseball from another passive, tyrannical reign after King Bud Selig has gone fishing.  Because as my oft cantankerous colleague, Mr. Krause, points out, King Bud dropped the ball.

To me, there are only three viable candidates.  They are presented here (above right).  In bronze.  I think.

Two of them are dead and one of them is forever young (albeit in 2-D).

Verily, they would all be adequate replacements at the top of the grandest game on earth.

- – -

Candidate #1:
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Bolshevik Leader, Marxist, Revolutionary, Head of State

What’s wrong, Matt Holliday?  Five years guaranteed at $16 million ain’t enough?  Fine then.  Mr. Holliday, you’ll be making the same salary as Wilson Betemit… if Wilson even has a job.  Luxury tax?  There ain’t no luxury tax.  Proposed salary cap?  Yeah, propose this: everybody makes the same amount of money.  No matter what.  You don’t like it?  Then die.  Die.  Just die!

- – -

Candidate #2:
Mickey Mouse
Talking Rodent, Steamboat Captain, World Icon, Clubhouse Leader

Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Pine tar!

- – -

Candidate #3:
thumbs up jesus.jpgJesus of Nazareth
Son of “God”, Hipster, Smooth-Talker, a.k.a. The Christ

What shall it profit a man if he gains the homerun record but loses his soul to ‘roids?  For everyone who refrains from untucking his shirt after winning a game (talkin’ to you, Brewers) himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.  I say, I’ve fed his sheep. Now I’ll tend to them, … tend to my sheep.

- – -

Tend… these… sheep.  Somebody.  King Bud didn’t do a great job at tending his sheep.  Somebody.  Somebody just tend these goddamn sheep!

Please.

And while you’re at it, don’t hate me.

‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Top image courtesy of Transgressor)

Is It Christmas Yet?

jeff with his catalogue.jpgPreparations for the holiday season begin (for me) in June, when my epic 180 consecutive days of beer consumption starts to strengthen my tolerance for… eh… other people.  Crowds.  Yule tide blah blah blah.

But it never really feels like the holidays until my annual MLB.com catalogue arrives in the mail.  Just look at how happy it makes me!

Of course, there are a few things that seem a bit odd, a bit off, inside its pristine pages, so before I place it next to the toilet for future browsing, I would like to point out some of the highlights.

One of this year’s most interesting offerings is this official team patch by the Baltimore Orioles (p. 24):

baltimore orioles patch.jpgWait, did I say Baltimore Orioles?  I think I meant Baltimore Ravens.  But it says “Orioles”.  I don’t know.  Forget it.  I ain’t buyin’ it anyway.

Next, we focus on one of those must-have holiday treats!  Indeed, this thing will come in handy to shoo away all those annoying neighbor kids who keep lighting dog doo-doo on fire and ringing your doorbell.  Beware, the official MLB licensed “Forest Face” (p. 21):

tigers forest face.jpgYeah, that thing is pretty scary.  Naturally, the same effect can be achieved by simply hanging a Detroit Tigers cap in your bushes.  But whatevs…

Dear readers, not every publication is perfect.  Typos, misnomers, glitches… these things are pretty common when producing such a large body of work.  Like this picture, which is just all wrong (p. 5):

happy cub fan.jpgWhen was the last time you saw a Cubs fan with such a big smile on his face?

Exactly.

And just in case baby Jesus, Mom, Dad, Barack, Santa and the Easter Bunny are reading this, let me point out my own personal holy grail of a gift idea (p. 22):

World Series DVD.jpgBoom.

I’m sure we can find a stocking big enough for this to fit.  Or just give me a couple hundred bucks and I’ll buy the damn thing myself!

So that should be enough to get you in the holiday spirit, y’all!  Don’t hate me for that!  And don’t hate me ‘cuz I bear the curse of always being right.

Peace,

Jeff

Beyond Non Sequitur III

Yep.  This is totally out of left field, but I feel the need to share: this picture has been cracking me up for a good month now.  Every time I look at it I lose myself in uncontrollable laughter.  Can anyone tell me why?

tomb raider.jpg
Not sure if there’s any reason to hate me this time, so, y’know, don’t. 

And just in case you’re wondering: Yes, despite the cool, peaceful demeanor of the above holy man, dude still hates the Cubs.

Peace,

Jeff

(*Image courtesy of B3TA)

Just How Good Does it Get?

Life must look pretty good to Cliff Lee right about now. Leaving behind the festering garbage heap that the Indians have become and landing four wins away from a World Series title is just about as good as it gets.

Meanwhile, a guy like Jake Peavy goes from the most perfect weather in the United States to the intemperate hell that is Chicago. Sure, he may have helped ruin the Tigers’ chances at the postseason but that’s not much to hang your hat on.

However, as good as life might be for Cliff, I’m pretty sure he’s nowhere near as happy as this guy:

I’m sure I’ve posted it before but some things just need to be repeated from time to time. Lame attempts at Afro-Caribbean Jesus rock definitely fit that category.

It’s Saturday! Go watch football.

-A

If the Cubs Were A Drunk Russian Dude…

Frankly, this ain’t no Jesus Hates the Cubs epic production, but as far as representing the Cubs’ hopes and dreams and far-fetched aspirations for the 2009 season, I concur that this is a pretty accurate video representation:

That guy probably thought “this is our year” too.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m mean, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Mr. Krause Poses as Colby Rasmus-lovin’ Teenage Girl in What Will Certainly Be the LONGEST Four Minutes of Your Entire Life

I don’t know how my feeble and oft fallacious colleague, Mr. Allen
Krause, managed to pull this one off but the following video proves
that a) he did indeed pull it off, b) amazing things can be done with
makeup and special effects these days and c) that his Detroit
Tiger-lovin’ front has finally been debunked.

The truth comes out as Al puts on the ritz:

If you just survived that then you will definitely agree that it was the longest four minutes of your entire life (not to mention the most ill-spent).

Hate me ‘cuz my investigative work is unparalleled.  Hate me ‘cuz I
exposed Mr. Krause’s crossdressing scheme.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m
right.

Peace,

Jeff

P.S.  Could someone pleeeaaase tell me why the above abomination has more views than the epic gansta rap “Jesus Hates the Cubs”?

Beating Down a Dead Horse

milton_bradley_angry.jpg“I regret that there are idiots in the world, that’s what I regret.”
–Milton Bradley on his experience with Cubs fans in 2009

Me too, Milton.  Me too.

And let’s face it.  Cubs fans can be brutal — check that — are brutal.

Just ask Shane Victorino.  Or me.  Or Jacque Jones.

In fact, I used to think that Cubs fans couldn’t hate anyone more than they hate(d) Jacque Jones.

Then along came Milton.

Milton
Bradley that is, with his $30 million contract, unfettered crybaby
angst and a mind-blowing 35 RBIs through more than two thirds of the
season.  Wooing boos by not knowing how many outs there are in a
particular inning, by striking out looking with the game on the line
and by just plain lollygaggin’, Milton certainly does it all.  Now that’s a fella who is truly hated at the Friendly Confines.

But
at least he seems to have a sense of humor about it, albeit an
insensitive, mildly inappropriate one.  After the lowly Washington
Nationals lit up the Cubs on Tuesday night, Bradley told ESPN Chicago:

“We got a Rodney King beatdown tonight.”

Okay, Milton.  Sure, that was an ugly game and you are having
an ugly season, but already being the king of Chicago controversy,
couldn’t you have used a less compromising analogy?  To illustrate, we
at RSBS put our best intern to work and he came up with the following alternatives:

“We got a Barack Obama-on-John McCain beatdown tonight.”

Well, coming from Sen. Reid, this biased (albeit true) analogy is a bit expected.

“We got a Jesus Christ beatdown tonight.”
Er, yeah… okay.  No argument here.  I mean, I did see The Passion of the Christ.  That was uber-ugly.

“We got a Clint Malarchuk beatdown tonight.”

Now that was more of a slashing than a beatdown; still, it will make you puke.

“We got a Mr. Lung beatdown tonight.”

Ah, yes.  Now we’re talking.  ‘Cuz if you are even halfway familiar with the bitter goings on of RSBS, you know that I, Mr. Lung, destroy Mr. Krause in every and all debate because, quite frankly, I am always right and he is always off gallivanting in his own little fantasy world where people actually care about what he might have to say.

Of
course, these are all sufficient alternatives for our dear friend
Milton to use the next time he needs to highlight his ineffectiveness
with colorful language; but I believe the best, most succinct way of
getting his point across — the point that the Cubs just aren’t any
good — would be to quite simply say:

“We got a Milton Bradley beatdown tonight.”

Indeed,
no other statement carries as much ‘beatdown’ weight as the above. 
Beaten down like Bradley has been by Wrigley Field bleacher bums. 
Beaten down like Bradley has been by fed-up umpires.  Beaten down like
Bradley’s abysmal stats and his overall reputation (did he ever have a
good one to begin with?).

The only Milton Bradley thing that
looks good these days is his bank account.  And if you listen closely,
you can probably still hear him laughing.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

More Proof that Jesus Hates the Cubs

The Proof:

The Point:

No arguments.  There are none.

Deal with it.

Jeff & Allen

Shane Victorino Joins Jesus in Hating the Cubs

victorino beer.jpgAnd why wouldn’t he?

Picture it:

It’s the bottom of the fifth inning.  The Cubs are getting killed by the Phillies.  The bases are loaded and a high pop fly is hit to center field where Shane Victorino gets in position, sets himself to catch the ball and — SPLASH! — some idiot Cub fan in the bleachers tosses a beer down on the Flyin’ Hawaiian’s head.

What in the sam hell is goin’ on here?  Is it Do Something Stupid a la Glenn Beck night again at Wrigley?

Nope.  Just another day at the ironically coined “Friendly” Confines.

Victorino catches the ball anyway and tosses it back into the infield… but he is obviously rattled by the bush league shenanigans synonymous with the Cub faithful.

Dear readers, this ain’t no joke.  This really happened.  And it happened last night.

Yeah, yeah, a couple of not-so-intimidating ushers rushed down and apparently forced someone to leave… but was it the actual culprit whom they shooed away?  Replays make me wonder.  And was anything done to curb this type of innate dereliction?  Why, of course not!  This is what you get when you go to Wrigley Field: complete asinine behavior!

Look, I have done more than a lifetime’s worth of Cub-bashing on this site.  I know this.  And I don’t particularly like doing it.  I like to believe that I am fair in my critique because look, I get it: Not all Cub fans are delinquents (just the majority) and I even I get tired of saying the same things over and over again…

But somehow, some way, some day, I like to think this idiocy will eventually come to an end.

Though until we reach that day that will never come, Shane Victorino, no one will blame you for joining Jesus in his 100+ year plight:

There is a reason why Jesus hates the Cubs.

And pouring beer on an All-Star centerfielder while the ball is in play barely scratches the surface.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m relentless, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(*Image courtesy of Getty Images via Yahoo)

Texting Sacrilege

texting.jpgThe following is an actual, real life conversation (albeit by text messaging) that occurred last night between myself and a fellow baseball nerd (who just so happens to be a lowly Cub fan) prior to the Cardinals/Dodgers game on ESPN — America’s home for Manny-mania and other sensationalized crap.


HIM:  Whew!  First place finally.  I feel so safe.  Especially since we can pull off a deal at the break cuz I’m sure hendry has the green light financially……..

ME:   Yeah, sure.  Don’t get too comfortable :)

HIM:  I was being facetious of course.  And anti jinxing at the same time.   Have fun with manny and the boyz tonite.

ME:   Haha.  I know.  I’m fluent in sarcasm.  Will do.  Fertility drugs in hand. 

HIM:  How would Cards nation handle the inevitable Pujols scandal?

ME:   Suicide.

HIM:  Seriously.

ME:   Okay…seriously… Denial.  Then anger.  Then revolt.  Then suicide.

HIM:  About what I imagine would happen in the bronx wit DJ.  Laughing villainous now.  When that happens I’ll put on robin williams beard and tell u its not your fault.

ME:   Haha.  Might b too late.  I may have murdered an entire village by then.

HIM:  Like Annakin when he took out the sand people?

ME:  Yes.  Only worse.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Hate me ‘cuz I preach the Truth: that Jesus hates the Cubs; just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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