Results tagged ‘ Joe Maddon ’

“I thought he was a weird wuss anyway…”

That’s right.  Davey Johnson speaks for me.

In this case, we (Davey and I) are talkin’ about my surly and oft dour colleague, Mr. Allen Krause.  Surely these words sting, almost as much as watching Mr. Krause’s beloved Tigers defeat my WORLD CHAMPION ST. LOUIS CARDINALS in their recent 3-game series.

Indeed, Verlander is a beast.  But the following inequality is true:

Westbrook + Lohse > Verlander

Unfortunately, the following is also true:

Santiago + Peralta + Jackson + Berry > Marte

Ugh.

I’m sending my representation to handle the press conference:

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 30: Pat Matheny’s Anesthesioxity and Other Stuff (LIKE HIGHLIGHTS!)

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

The RSBS crew celebrates its 30th episode by taking a stroll down podcast memory lane, remembering things that busted our (and hopefully your) guts.  AIDS salad and Ron Santo’s memory get rehashed while new memories (like gay ponies v. horsicorns, an iguana named Dudley and how you can cure your foot problems) are created!  Jump on board the RSBS crazy train!  No stops til you question how you spend your free time!

Don’t forget to getcho Crown Royal and enjoy some happy time!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 26, 2011

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 29: Remembering Ugueth’s Urbina and Other Stuff

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff tries his darnedest to be as polite as possible during his unfettered gloating of World Championship status (Go Cards!) while Second City’s Mark Piebenga adds some level-headed awesomeness to Johanna’s outlandishness and Allen’s seasoned straight man routine.  Among the topics of discussion are “the greatest game ever”, the woes of rebranding an already twice championed franchise (talkin’ to you, Marlins), Theo Fever in the Chi, b!tch t!ts and much, much more!

Now grab some Crown Royal and enjoy yo’ self!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter and make sure to check out his crew and their gut busting Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 12, 2011

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Outlaw, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.”

To commemorate my hopeful demise of the mighty money juggernaut that is the Boston Red Sox, I have decided to use one of the greatest films ever conceived to explain my feelings for this occasion.

ARTHUR!!!

I’m also here to remind the world of the hurt and pain that Russell Brand caused me by pissing on my childhood by remaking this classic. BASTARDDOOOO.

“Thank you for a memorable afternoon, usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.”

The Red Sox are falling apart. The Tampa Bay Rays are in pursuit of the wild card and I couldn’t be happier. At the beginning of the season, I, like the rest of the baseball universe, had the Sox winning it all. That being said, I love this Rays team. I’ve loved the last three or four Rays teams. LOVE Joe Maddon.  He almost makes me like Florida. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate tha SAWKSSS. I’m just a bit tired of everything Boston. NO MORE BOSTON!! No more Red Sox! The Town, Conviction, Gone Baby Gone, the Patriots, The Departed, Ben Affleck doing Madden ads. I NEED A FAWWWWWWWWKIINNNNN BREAK!!!

“If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.”

Oh yea. Forgot about Edge of Darkness, The Fighter, and Danny fawwwwwwkkkinnnn Woodhead!!!! I feel like I have had a Fenway Frank shoved up my giggy for the last ten years.

“I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.”

Theo Epstein’s bright idea was to punch in Erik Betard. BRILLIANT? No. Can Jon Lester be everywhere at once? Josh Beckett is hurty. The BLOWN RANGER!  John Lackey is awful.  This staff is not quite in dire straits but…

“Ladies and gentlemen… I’m sorry… As you probably have surmised by now… there will be no wedding. The bride… has had second thoughts… and has decided not to marry me… Most of you know me… Can you blame her?”

Carl Crawford has been my personal joy killer. One of my favorite players of the last seven years, he hasn’t quite been worth the money. Hitting third in this lineup has been a problem. He’s a leadoff hitter!

“Isn’t this fun? Isn’t fun the best thing to have? Don’t you wish you were me? I know I do.”

The rise of Jacoby Ellsbury has been nothing short of TRANSCENDENT — an absolute bright spot. And I couldn’t be happier for the kid who has struggled through injuries. He or Curtis Granderson would be fine choices for MVP. (I’m sorry, Verlander.)

And now, one last fleeting thought for my beloved Cubs. Both Sox teams have won championships and so have the current champ Giants. My thoughts on this?

Gloria: My mother died when I was six.
Arthur: [bangs his fist on the table] Son of a bitch! Don’t they know what they do to kids?
Gloria: My father raped me when I was twelve.
Arthur: So, you had six relatively good years? I’m sorry. Listen, my father screwed me, too.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

The Filibuster

Lot of surprises so far this season.  Should anyone be panicking yet?

Marc
Schaumburg, IL

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rolaids.jpgAfter the Rays and Red Sox picked up their first wins of the season on Friday night, I’m sure that both managers heaved a big sigh of relief.  Of course when the Rays followed that up with news that Manny was retiring, I’m sure Joe Maddon dug right back into that Costco sized tub of Rolaids he must have been hitting the past ten days.  So, I’m guessing that the Rays might be starting to panic.

But if there’s one guy who should truly be panicking at this point, it’s not Joe Maddon or anyone else on the Rays.  It’s not Manny, it’s not Big Papi and it’s not any once, present or future Red Sox.  No, if there’s one guy who should be panicking, it’s Laurent Gbagbo.

For those of you who aren’t quite sure who Mr. Gbagbo happens to be, let me give you a quick background.  Mr. Gbagbo is a former Ivoirien freedom fighter who then went and got himself elected president of the Ivory Coast.  However, he found Jesus while in office and after losing last year’s election, decided that Jesus wanted him to be the winner anyway.  Since then he’s been trying to help Jesus out by killing people who voted against him.  That hasn’t worked out too well, though, and now Mr. Gbagbo finds himself holed up in a bunker underneath his former residence while troops loyal to the president-elect slowly draw closer.

Understandably, Mr. Gbagbo should be panicking.  Funny enough, though, he doesn’t seem to be sweating it at all.

Most likely there are a few reasons for that.  Number one is that Ivory Coast is a basket case and rules don’t really seem to apply.  Number two is that Mr. Gbagbo apparently has four months of supplies in his bunker and the troops protecting him have weaponry superior to that of the troops closing in.  Number three is US Senator Jim Inhofe.

Uh, wait a minute.  Jim Inhofe?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Why would he care about what happens in the Ivory Coast?  Well, if you ask Mr. Inhofe, he’ll tell you it’s about Jesus.

See, the president-elect, Mr. Ouattara, comes from the northern part of the country, an area that is nominally Muslim, as is Mr. Ouattara.  Mr. Gbagbo is from the southern, mainly Christian, part of the country and loves him some Jesus.  Apparently where Mr. Inhofe comes from, this means that the election results shouldn’t matter and the US should recognize only the candidate who loves Jesus more.

Actually Marc, I think I’m going to change my answer at this point.  Sure, maybe the Rays and Red Sox should be panicking a little.  And maybe Gbagbo should as well.  But the people who should really be panicking are all of us Americans.  With leaders like Mr. Inhofe supporting despots like Mr. Gbagbo, we’re all screwed.

-A

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**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a
free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout just finding out if Mr. Lung really has learned how to make his tootsie roll. 
Send us your Filibuster questions
by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below
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Bud Selig, Fashion Cop

bud selig picking nose.jpgIt’s good to see Bud Selig worrying about the important things in the game of baseball.  Fix the All-Star Game?  Nah.  Rehabilitate Pete Rose?  Nope.  Police managerial fashion?  Oh yes.

Now, maybe Selig has a reason for this.  Perhaps it’s his version of the “broken windows” policy made famous by Giuliani in NYC.  The idea is that if you crack down on the small crimes, the big crimes are less likely happen.  But I’m really not sure how telling Joe Maddon that he can’t wear an MLB-branded hoodie would have stopped Mark McGwire from juicing.

It might be something else, something a little more personal.  I think it comes down to the age old battle between the cool kids and the nerds.  Selig may be rich but you don’t have to look at the two guys for long to figure out who has done better with the ladies.  Selig could pass for a Dali painting of Bill Gates.  SI’s Peter King apparently favorably compared Maddon to Spencer Tracy.  Yeah, those are whole different universes on the looks scale.

So, what do the nerds do when they finally get power?  They make the cool kids pay for all their previous infractions.  Here’s the train of logic and I think you can agree it makes sense: Selig gets beat up in high school because his face is already getting droopy.  50 years later he sees Joe Maddon, equates him with the kids who beat him up and decides he’s going to finally get his revenge.  Selig 1 – Baseball 0

I understand that baseball has to have rules surrounding dress.  There needs to be some, uh, uniformity (if you’ll pardon the pun).  But if instead of focusing on the much more real issues facing baseball this is where you’re going to fight your battles, you’ve just proven once again how unfit you are for the job Mr. Selig.

-A

Swing Away, Al!!!

Allen Krause.jpgDear readers!  Stand up!  Celebrate!

Let’s dance!

For today is January 15!  And that means today is Mr. Allen Krause’s 31st birthday!

And since it is my jaded pal’s special day, I thought it best not to rip on how he looks like like a young (albeit more intelligent) Joe Maddon; so instead I am going to go against the RSBS norm and actually do something nice for him!

That’s right, folks.  Y’all know that Al is a huge (sometimes annoying) Detroit Tigers fan… so today, to help Mr. Krause celebrate his very own life, I would like to present three awesome Detroit Tigers facts that I researched all by myself (with the help of the RSBS interns).

Happy Birthday, Al old buddy!

Awesome Tigers Fact #1:

Since the birth of Allen Krause, the Detroit Tigers have lost 2,546 games!  And that fancy schmancy fact includes four whole seasons with 103 or more losses, like that stellar 2003 season when the Tiggers lost a mind-blowing 119 games!

Awesome Tigers Fact #2:

Despite being Mr. Krause’s boyhood hero while boasting impressive numbers over 20 Major League seasons, good old Alan Trammell is NOT in the Hall of Fame!  For real!  I’m serious!

Awesome Tigers Fact #3:

This fella made $10 million in 2009 while putting up these gaudy numbers: 1 W, 7.49 ERA, 7.5 BB/9

dontrelle willis close up.jpgThem’s all true facts!  So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

I have known Mr. Krause for over twelve and a half years now and I can honestly say — without even a smidgen of doubt — that one couldn’t ask for a better friend than Allen.

And I mean the hell out of that.

Happy Birthday, brother!

Peace,

Jeff

Coming Clean

lidge_celebrate.jpgLast night, as Philly fans celebrated like Sarah Palin look-alikes, I settled back in my easy chair and fervently prayed that I had not just used up all my prediction mojo. See, back when this thing started I picked the Phillies to win the Series, comparing them to a certain junior senator from Illinois. And several weeks later, here we are. The Phillies dominated the Rays in just about every category, much like Obama has been doing to John McCain. But, I think it’s safe to say that no Philadelphia fan felt safe until after the ump called strike three on Eric Hinske last night.

Obama fans should feel the same way. Andrew Sullivan posted this the other day and it pretty much sums up the way things stand right now:

But despite all the concerns, I’m going to go ahead and say it. Obama is the new Brad Lidge and he’s going to close this thing down.

Now, I’d like to take the high road and leave things where they are but I can’t help but gloat a little bit in realizing that I’ve gotten the last word on my good friend, Mr. Lung. See, he doubted my pick from the beginning and even picked the Rays last week while extolling the virtues of his new man-crush. But, the Phillies came through which doesn’t mean much since I am now zero dollars richer as a result.

To be honest, this victory feels a little empty. It’s not that I have anything against the Phillies or regret their win. But, after the money the Tigers spent in the offseason, I was ready to see my team holding up their trophy while Justin Verlander carried off his first World Series MVP Award. It all looked so good in my mind.

I guess that in the end the only option I have is to borrow a refrain heard most often coming from Cubs fans. Next year is our year! Man, I can’t believe I just compared myself to a Cubs fan. Time to go take a shower and wash off the filfth.

-A

A Question of Progressive Participle

Joe Maddon 3.jpgThere’s just one day before the 2008 World Series kicks off and all I can think about is Joe Maddon.  Now, now, dear readers, don’t get ahead of yourselves.  It’s not his cool and assertive demeanor in the dugout that’s got my mind going and it’s not his ability to rile a bunch of youngsters to the tune of victory either. 

It’s his liberal use of the progressive participle.

In the top of the seventh inning in Sunday night’s ALCS Game 7 against the Red Sox, starting Rays pitcher Matt Garza found himself in what could’ve been a serious world of pain.  Having just given up a single to Jason Bay, there were men on first and second with only one out; the Rays were holding on to a slim lead — just one bomb away from imploding — when Maddon went out to talk to his pitcher.

Garza stepped off the mound towards his skipper as if to ask “How am I doing?” and the TBS camera crew caught Maddon dead on replying: “You’ve been ****ing awesome.”

Yeah.  There was no mistaking it.  He used the F-bomb to describe just how awesome Garza hd been doing in front of millions of home viewers. 

And believe me, folks: I’m not wrong on this one.  I study foreign languages for fun, grew up playing spy games, and until I was about 18 years old, I watched peoples’ mouths when they talked instead of their eyes.

Joe Maddon said “You’ve been ****ing awesome.”

Is there anything wrong with this?  Well.  No.  I guess not.  I mean, I’m a grown man myself and assuredly, I have been known to drop quite a few F-bombs when necessary; of course, I’ve never done it live in front of millions of viewers watching my every move on television.  And I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that it certainly distracted me from thinking of Maddon as the intellectual I once thought him to be.

But I guess when “awesome” doesn’t quite get the point across, “****ing awesome” should do the trick.

It worked for Garza.

Will it work against Philadelphia — where the F-bomb was born? 

We shall ****ing see!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Breath of Fresh Air

World series 2008 logo.jpgMy only solace in the aftermath of being so, so wrong in my playoff predictions so far is that finally, dear readers, we have a World Series matchup — which doesn’t include the Yankees nor the New Yankees (aka Boston Red Sox) — that may actually drum up viewership across this great US America of ours (and perhaps even a handful in Canada). 

Whilst the 2006 World Series will always stand out as one of the greatest moments of my lifetime to date, I am completely aware that I was one of very few people who actually gave a damn, considering both the Cardinals and the Tigers weren’t big market teams from either coast.  The 2005 edition featuring the White Sox and Astros wasn’t much better in terms of mass viewership nationwide, though it was probably one of the most entertaining and heart-thumping series I’ve ever seen.

Such drama is lost on a nation that worships thwarting monopolizing bullies, NASCAR and blockbuster comedic films starring Ben Stiller as the same haphazard goofball character he plays in every Ben Stiller movie. 

But folks, this could be the year for a new found enthusiasm for the greatest game on earth.  I believe.  For two underdogs with two very unique stories will face each other in the grand finale and though I have been searching my brain for the last 18 hours or so to find the one I want to see win the most, I truly cannot. 

joe maddon 2.jpgThe Rays will have the ultimate story going in (working title: From Worst to First After Dropping the “Devil” from Our Name) and I’m positive that an entire band of bandwagoneers will join the drama just to say they were part of it; and in the end, why not?  How can you not like this team?  They’re young.  They’re enthusiastic.  They play with heart and passion and speed and pride.  And their manager is probably the coolest looking dude in town with those gaudy personality glasses and his “9 = 8″ psychomath sensibility. 

Meanwhile, the Phillies — whom my colleague Mr. Krause picked to win it all — come in to the World Series playing superb baseball with their starting pitching and clutch hitting leading the Philadelphia way: hard-nosed, hard-pressed and hard-up for a title.  Never mind their raucous, undeserved phreakazoid phans.  The City of Brotherly Love is as thirsty for a sports championship as the Democrats are for winning an election.  And this could be the year.

But if I have to come out and say it, I say this is the year of the Tampa Bay Rays

Indeed, the Cinderella story will come to its ultimately heartwarming conclusion.  And if that pisses you off, Phillies fans, don’t get too riled up; my prediction accuracy is about as on point as Rush Limbaugh is sane: not very

And for those of you right-wing gun-totin’ liberal-hatin’ conservatives whom I have just offended by saying that, I think there’s at least one thing that we can agree on — no, two things:

1) This World Series is gonna be good.

..and…

2) This clip might very well be the best political spoof the planet has ever seen:

http://widgets.nbc.com/o/4727a250e66f9723/48fd11d4b3d1fde1/48fafb9dab35f5ae/95eeda6a/-cpid/d00853353f9ba73e/clipID/773781/video_title/Saturday+Night+Live+-+Update%3a+Palin+Rap/video_imgurl/http%3a%2f%2fvideo.nbc.com%2fplayer%2fmezzanine%2fimage.php%3fw%3d350%26h%3d196%26path%3dnbc2%2f13b9ce5f032c04210176ab48cd191c3b_mezzn.jpg%26hash%3db270dcf8f4ab9e749b81b1fe205d1989/video_url/http%3a%2f%2fwww.nbc.com%2fSaturday_Night_Live%2fvideo%2fclips%2fupdate-palin-rap%2f773781%2f/video_description/Amy+steps+in+for+Gov.+Palin?storeInPid=true

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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