Results tagged ‘ John Mozeliak ’

Et Tu, Molina?

yadier_molina.jpgIf you are a Cardinal fan and you read Will Leitch’s Deadspin column this week and you are like me then you, too, are probably well into your fourth fifth of Jack Daniels.  You’ve called your mother balling like a baby, the cops have been to your house twice and you have a large welt on the inside part of your leg, you don’t know how or when it got there.

No, sir.  The world just doesn’t seem the same anymore.

For those of you dear readers unaware, to summarize, Leitch made a strong point that the Cardinals’ franchise player — the face, the rock, the lone savior of St. Louis — Albert Pujols, may not be as married to the organization as we all think he is, that if the Cardinals aren’t committed to winning (as they appear now), that if Tony LaRussa isn’t around, that if GM John Mozeliak and his army of “stat zombies” (thanks, Prince) decide to continue on the Moneyball route and take for granted that Albert will sit around, silent, simply collecting a paycheck, then it is not fair to assume he will stay with the franchise once his contract ends in 2011. 

It’s not fair.

It’s terrifying.

I do not have to tell you how important Albert is to St. Louis Cardinals baseball because Albert is St. Louis Cardinals baseball.  The loss of Pujols would be akin to the loss of Franz Ferdinand… or worse!  It’d be John Lennon, Jack Kennedy and Aaliyah all dying on the same day!  Seriously. 

One of the joys from the past few seasons has been watching Yadier Molina develop into a feisty, competitive, smart and affective baseballer.  He hits for average, has power, steals bases, always has his head in the game and you can’t find a better defensive catcher.  You also cannot listen to a Cardinals broadcast these days without hearing how essential Albert Pujols has been in Yadi’s development.  You see them together in the dugout, talking hitting, talking defense, then Yadi goes out produces.  It’s a real thing of beauty.

Yet if you listen to Will Leitch’s warning shots and recognize the clear and present danger of losing Albert, then you really have to think about losing Yadi too.  His contract is also up in 2011 with a club option for 2012 and if Mozeliak & Co. don’t convince Albert to stick around, you can bet that Molina will be right behind him. 

Thinking about all of this makes me want to die.  If I feel that way, if Cardinal fans feel that way, if the blogosphere feels that way, then why does John Mozeliak — the pompous king of arrogance — continue to look down upon us — the common voice — like plebeian s***-eaters who know nothing about the game of baseball?

I guess now is the time to start praying to the baseball gods.  I just hope they know more about satisfying their fanbase than Mozeliak.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

More Freakazoids & Oddities: The Always Venerable, Mostly Searchable RSBS

Thumbnail image for freakazoid.jpgEveryone is looking for something.

I am looking for a reason not to hate John Mozeliak; the Cardinals hodge-podge yet surprisingly effective pitching staff has given me hope (so far).

Milton Bradley is looking for someone to actually listen to his crybaby tantrums, but we are grown-ups; and we do not care.   

North Korea is looking for a good old-fashioned ^ss-whoopin'; sources say firing nukes at your neighbors is an excellent way to accomplish that.

Still, others must turn to the long, twisted and always trustworthy inner-wirings of the world wide interwebs.  And sometimes, dear readers, they end up here.

As they have in the past, the RSBS interns did their homework and now we present to you some of the most intriguing keyword searches responsible for bringing people right here to the land of the free slightly tied down and the home of the brave pretentious and pompous, Red State Blue State:

“Red State / Blue State Means???”

It means Jeff and Allen are awesome.  Look, I know you queried this from an IP address in Spain, but still… come on, hombre… we’re kind of a known thing.

“Carlos Quentin’s Descents”
There have been many… playing like crap for the Diamondbacks, breaking his wrist in a fit of rage, having a sore left foot… take your pick.  I’d say the most influential one is the fact that he looks like a full-sized version of Herve Villechaize.

carlos quentin team photo.jpgHerve Villechaize.jpg

“Overweight Man”

Now, now… let’s be nice and cordial here, Mr. Internet Searcher.  I wouldn’t call my Tiger-lovin’ colleague, Mr. Krause, overweight.  I would call him ridiculous (because he is) and anti-establishment (because he is) but not overweight (okay, maybe just a little).  If it is indeed larger men you’re looking for, then I direct you *here*.

“What is the Lump in Nyjer Morgan’s Mouth?”

Uh, I dunno.  Chewing tobacco?  Tongue?  Someone else’s tongue?  Or maybe playing for the Pirates has given him the mumps.  Whatever it is, we humbly admit that we have no friggin’ clue.

And finally, the most intriguing query of them all…

“What is Jeff Lung’s Problem?”
Well, if you don’t know by now, I guess you’re just gonna have to keep on reading.

But whatever you do, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

One Down, 29 More Blown Saves to Go…

jason motte.jpg…and that’s only if the 2009 lackluster beer-league softball team of a Cardinals bullpen wants to equal last year’s pathetic mark.

And let me tell ya, folks, they’re well on their way.

For if Opening Day is any indication as to what we Cardinal fans can expect this season, we are in for a long, painful, vomit-inducing ride.

In fact, I’m still cleaning up the mess I made yesterday.

Thank you, Jason Motte.

But more thanks to you, John Mozeliak, our miserly GM who spent the entire off-season ignoring the Cardinals’ biggest problem: the gaudy, bloody mess of a metastasizing bullpen.

Sure, having a healthy, strong, productive Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter in the rotation is great and all.  And yes, we will take a lot of leads into the sixth inning; but unless we find a way to get Albert Pujols on the bump for the 7th, 8th and 9th, we are in line to fall apart every single night like Amy Winehouse at an open bar mixer.

puking-pumpkin.jpgIn both cases, the result will be the same: lots and lots of puking.

And though I am impressed with Jason Motte’s blazing fastball, it’s not really all that impressive when that’s all he throws (that slider that doesn’t slide doesn’t count).  I’m sure Jack Wilson was thinking the same thing when he sat back and ripped that game-winner.

Dear readers, if running a baseball organization was a democracy, the revolution would have long been over by now; and the ominous, towering, domineering statue of John Mozeliak would be lying in ruins.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Filibuster

On Thursday, the initial sale of the San Diego Padres to new owner Jeff
Moorad was completed.  Knowing that it only took Sandy Alderson and his
equally ignorant chum, Kevin Towers, a few years to extensively
decimate the Padres franchise like Chris Brown did Rihanna’s face, how
long will it take Moorad to get the Padres competitive again?

– Jeff

__________________________________________

padres.jpgHave you already forgotten about that epic tie-breaker two short seasons ago when the Rockies edged the Padres on their way to a World Series appearance? The fact that San Diego was so close to the playoffs kind of puts the lie to your question and its entire premise. Yes, the Padres should have been more competitive recently and poor decisions were made (which are explained much more eloquently by the Prince of New York over at PaulLebowitz.com) but we’re not talking about the Knicks under Isiah Thomas here. This is not a team that’s lost for a generation.

It does kind of make you wonder what baseball executives get paid to do, though. Prince’s hatred of Alderson and Towers and your open contempt for Mozeliak in St. Louis remind me of some of Bill Simmons’ old columns where he rants about the management of the Celtics. However, once they won a championship the volume became a little muted. So, are sports executives really that incompetent or are other forces at work here?

I suppose that like any story, there are two sides to this one. I’m sure most GMs would argue that it’s tough to judge their success on winning alone since a large part of that depends on the human element, the players. And meanwhile the fans wonder why their team is going out and signing a guy like Dontrelle Willis to an extension while letting Cameron Maybin get away. And both sides are probably right. For all the statistics and sabrmetrics that exist today, this, like economics, is not an exact science:

http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:item:southparkstudios.com:222638

But, to get back to your question, I don’t know when the Padres will be competitive again. It depends on a lot of factors in addition to just the current management team. It depends on resolving the Peavy situation and like a lot of things nowadays, it probably depends in part on the economy. What I do know, though, is that at least the Padres haven’t yet p!ssed off god. Seriously, what is the deal in Detroit?

-A

Credits:
-Video from Comedy Central via The Daily Dish.

The Filibuster

bobby jindal.jpgIt’s still early in Spring Training but so far the Cardinals are
looking as rough as you thought they might. Similarly, the great
non-white hope of the Republican party, Bobby Jindal, faltered
astonishingly in his first nationwide address the other night, drawing
unfavorable comparisons with Kenneth the Page, a character on 30 Rock
.
If you had to make one of these two the next President and the other
one would then become the new GM of the Cardinals, which way would you
arrange them?

–Allen
_________________________________


Let me tell you a story…

There once was a Republican.  He wasn’t white.  He was the governor of Louisiana.  As if that wasn’t exciting enough, one day, after the non-white president from Chicago by way of Kansas, Indonesia and Hawaii gave a stirring speech to a bunch of cranky, old white guys, this clever governor from Louisiana (let’s call him Bobby Jindal) gave a sing-songy speech soiled with serendipitous condescension better fit for an audience of preschoolers.  But this Republican had guile.  He had wit.  He had an unparalleled pep of awkward confidence.  In fact, he was so bold that he touted the strengths of the Republican party in the same breath as mentioning Hurricane Katrina.

Whoops!

Okay, so that story means very little in the grand scheme of things, right?  I understand the need to put a fresh, young, non-white face on the identity of the GOP, but shouldn’t someone be responsible for helping Jindal become that — mold him, teach him, brief him — rather than just throwing him into an awkward circumstance unprepared?

kenneth the page.jpgAs Mr. Krause mentioned, Jindal is now drawing comparisons to NBC’s 30 Rock character, Kenneth the Page, and for good reason.  They are both scrawny, bubbly, out-of-touch persons who tend to smile and giggle a lot while making everyone around them extremely uncomfortable.

Verily!  Republicans have a long way to go…

But the question was asked: if I had to make one of these characters the next president and one the new GM of the Cardinals, which way would I arrange them?

First off, Kenneth the Page, while quite similar to Jindal in speech and performance, might be more accurately compared to our last president, GW Bush.  Both seem aloof, unregulated and the benefactors of nepotism.  Based on that, I would throw the ball to Jindal, hope for the best and not read a newspaper for four years.

Meanwhile, after being brutally victimized by John Mozeliak’s micromanaging to the tune of hope, wait and see baseball, how much worse could Kenneth the Page really be in the Cardinals front office?

Not since the early 90s have I been so void of confidence going into the season.  Mozeliak is putting a lot of pressure on the young kids and if they cannot perform, Redbird fans (me included) will be found in sewers and sinkholes all across this nation muttering expletives to themselves and wishing for a new GM.

If Kenneth the Page is available, we’ll take him.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Bit Tidding Tidbits

Baseball chick.jpgPut away that bottle, throw away those needles, quit workin’ that corner, folks!  Baseball is back!  Finally, we have something to live for again…

Here is but a sampling of the goings on around the league:

Alex Rodriguez Homers in Spring Training Opener
Immediately after he hit that bomb, all controversy of A-Rod’s MVP PED use and the subsequent tarnishing and questioning of his character disappeared like the hopes and dreams of Pirates fans.  Well, maybe not, but one can fantasize, right?

Ryan Dempster Has Yet to Say Something Stupid
Last year during spring training, Dempster guaranteed Cub fans a World Series title.  His foot-in-mouth silence at the start of this season practically guarantees another stellar regular season record, followed by a quick division series exit to the tune of 101 years.  Which leads me to the fact that…

Cub Fans Still Hungover from 2008, 2007, 2003, etc.
A simple stroll through Wrigleyville these days will yield much more than the average Barleycorn date-rape and trust-fund-baby all-night-party — both of which have long been synonymous with the neighborhood.  Nowadays you can still see the aftershocks of that disappointing NLDS performance against the Dodgers in the face of this guy and this guy and these guys.

Khalil Greene On Pace to Replace Ozzie Smith as Shortstop Icon
Don’t look now, but after one spring training game, off-season blockbuster acquisition Khalil Greene is on pace to hit .333 this year — which is way better than his .212 average of 2008!  While John Mozeliak sits back and strokes his pompous ego, we Joe Six-Pack fans are left daydreaming of that fifth-place NL Central finish.

Yankees Lend a Helping Hand: Willing to Pay Off the Country’s $1.75 Trillion Deficit
Okay, this is a lie; but the Yankees unwillingness to cooperate just proves how anti-American the organization really is.

Ann Coulter Is Still Crazy
An excerpt from her February 25th blog post reads:

“But as long as the nation is obsessed with historic milestones, is no
one going to remark on what a great country it is where a mentally
retarded woman can become speaker of the house?”

Ann, sweetie-pie, remember: we had a mentally retarded man with a fancy-rich last name as president for 8 years.  Let us have our speaker and please stop talking.

Indians Fans and Cub Fans Breathe Collective Sigh of Relief
Joe Borowski, possibly the all-time scariest closer for all the wrong reasons, officially announced his retirement.  There are parties in the street.  Check ‘em out.

Tigers Fans Better Off Watching Hockey
After my esteemed colleague and Tigers apologist Allen Krause wrote his annual lament on the sad state of his team, one clever commenter riffed:

“When the tigers crush your soul as they inevitably will, just remember to look on the brightside, we still have the Red Wings.”

Enough said.  Thanks, D.K.

No One Cares About Blagojevich Anymore
Or Roland Burris… or Dick Durbin strong-arming Burris to get out of town… or the poor economy… or world hunger… or the climactic dictatorship of one Hugo Chavez… dude, who cares?  There’s baseball to watch!

And at last…

The MLB Network Is Seriously Affecting My Loyalty to American Idol

I apologize to all my supporters, for it is true: in my living room, the MLB Network has temporarily taken the place of American Idol. Two weeks have gone by and I haven’t watched a single A.I. episode.  I know, I know.  This situation is difficult to accept for all.  But believe me when I say it hurts me more than it hurts you.  For some reason, Barry Larkin’s nonsensical ramblings and Al Leiter’s delusions of grandeur are just way more entertaining than Ryan Seacrest’s hair and Simon Cowell’s cliche Britishness.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Throw the Book at Me!

Condoleezza Rice.jpgWhat could possibly be funnier than a holocaust-denying bishop exchanging blows with an Argentinian reporter? 

I can think of many things.

Like this video, or this picture, or these fans.

But in the end, what is making my side split today is the announcement that Condoleezza Rice (what’s the second “z” for anyway?) has signed a book deal with Crown Publishers to write three — count ‘em three – books detailing her tenure in the White House as well as delving into her oh-so-saucy personal life.

Crown issued this statement:

“Rice will combine candid narrative and acute analysis to tell the story
of her time in the White House and as America’s top diplomat, and her
role in protecting American security and shaping foreign policy during
the extraordinary period from 2001-2009.”

Extraordinary?  You betchya!  That was an extraordinary, poorly structured sentence!

When Crown Publishers says “candid”, what they really mean is “bullhickey” and when Crown Publishers says “acute analysis” what they really mean is “a cute anal cyst”. 

I am going on record with that.

Ah yes, the moment we have all been waiting for, my friends: the inevitable onslaught of uninteresting, embellished memoirs (see James Frey) from Bush administration cadres who would be much better off hiding under that blanket of destitution they collectively weaved over those eight long years.

What’s next?

Dick Cheney’s memoir: I Screwed Over My Own Country and Got Away with It

Donald Rumsfeld’s memoir: Blowing Up People Is Fun

Dubya’s memoir: I Am Smarter than a Fifth Grader Because I Am Way More Educationified

I suspect these tell-alls will not tell all and that they will all be as candid and truthful as an Alex Rodriguez/Katie Couric interview.

If you want the truth, read the battery of explicit facts spewed by one Jose Canseco.  He seems to be the one with all the info and up to this point, he has been the most accurate when disclosing the inner workings of a poorly policed administration.

confessions of a she_fan.jpgPlus, he knows where to get the good stuff.

Speaking of good stuff, I am and always have been a reader (how else do you think I became so intelligent?) and though I enjoy some good fiction every now and then, my true passion is reading about real life.  These days I can be found reading Jane Heller’s Confessions of a She-Fan.  My busy schedule of Cub fan hounding and John Mozeliak thrashing has allowed me to only read a little bit each day, but I can honestly say that I am thoroughly enjoying it.

And since we are all about telling the truth here at RSBS, I am not going to withhold the fact that while reading Jane’s book during my commutes on the Chicago Transit Authority, I do my absolute best to hide the chick-lit-esque cover boasting a female fan donning a Yankee cap, looking up at an invisible monster whom I can only assume is Theo Epstein.  The cover lady’s eyes are dreamy.  She’s definitely into me.  But I still force myself to cover it up.  I live in Chicago after all.  Like the rest of the blue collar cities, we hate ‘dem Yankees… don’t get me wrong, the book is great and all…

Just remember: I have an image to uphold.

Luckily, my stealth allows me to take in Confessions and really enjoy it.  And while I may not have the desire to date a Yankee, as author Jane Heller once did, I sure would not mind dating some of the Yankees’ leftovers

Believe me, that would be way more interesting than any Condoleezza Rice book.

So go ahead.  Throw the book at me; just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

A Friday Film Analogy

buddha_stars.jpgThat Buddha sure wasn’t kidding when he said “Life is suffering.”

He must have been a Pirates fan.

Yet spring training is supposed to be that time of year when every team has a shot at being the best, every team has the opportunity to go all the way, every team can hope to be champions — well, every team not named the Pirates, Royals and now: The St. Louis Cardinals.

That’s right, folks.  The Cardinals were big losers before they even got to camp thanks to one General Manager John Mozeliak.  It is no secret that I hold little regard for the man who did nothing to better our ball club during this off-season, so I will refrain from further condemning him back to the bookish hell from which he originally oozed. 

What I will do instead is make it easy for you, dear readers, Cardinal lovers and Cardinal haters alike: those days of St. Louis fans harboring perennial playoff hopes are long gone.  And all that remains is an empty, blown-out pipedream much akin to that of one Theo Roll, modern dancer extraordinaire.

Don’t know who Theo Roll, modern dancer extraordinaire is?

Watch and learn (at the 1:35 mark look for some fine, world class, Academy Award worthy acting):

Get my drift?

Good.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Translations of a Maniac

john_mozeliak.jpgSorry, folks, I am through pontificating on Alex Rodriguez (for now) and ready to get back to baseball talk that does not include scandalous tirades on the poor policing of the game.

Wait, no… that is a lie.

Because the St. Louis Cardinals released their clubhouse infecting second baseman Adam Kennedy this week and GM John Mozeliak, by simply opening his mouth, has opened the door for more ridicule from those of us who should actually matter the most (the fans) but continuously get tossed aside like a Roger Clemens B-12 filled syringe.

So Kennedy is gone.  Great.  Ask me if I care. 

I don’t.

What I do care about is the $4 million we are paying him for 2009 anyway.  Mozeliak said:

“I tried to exhaust the trade market. We thought we might have something happening that really came to an end
this weekend. At that point it was just time. It was more fair for both
parties to do it now than wait a couple weeks.”

Translation: I am not very good at my job.

You mean to tell me, Mr. Mozeliak, that no team in Major League Baseball was willing to trade for Kennedy?  No team!?!  None?!?  You couldn’t get one minor league guy, one nobody, one journeyman reliever for Adam Kennedy? 

Give me a break.  But in all fairness, Mr. Mozeliak, you are right about one thing.  That was a fair deal for the Kennedy camp.  More than fair.  Here’s $4 million, Adam.  Sit on your ^ss, dude.  Have a good time.  Go out and get a league minimum one-year deal from some team and live off the fat of the Cardinals’ land.

I suspect he will.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals fan forums, blogs and message boards are lighting up with “what the hell do we do now”s; some delusional fans have even gone as far as to suggest Mozeliak may go out and sign a free agent second baseman like Orlando Hudson or Mark Grudzielanek to fill the empty space.

Ha!  I laugh in your face!  For you know not the true nature of our general manager:

“Right now, we’re going to go with what we have. We would like to do this internally if we could, and we do have confidence that we can.”

piggy lord of the flies.jpgTranslation: I have the conch!  Not you!  Me!  It’s mine mine mine mine mine!  All mine!  And I say let’s get these suckas in the ballpark without assembling a competitive team.  Why not?  Those silly fans have already proven that they’ll support a crappy team; we can do that on the cheap and still rake in millions!  Sell ‘em t-shirts and Busch Light and bobbleheads that are way overpriced!  They love that s***!

Mozeliak finished by saying:

“I do think this [releasing Kennedy for nothing while still paying him $4 million] was an opportunity to inject some energy into that
position and really show that we are moving this club in a newer
direction.”

Translation: This club is built to fail.  I signed Trever Miller and Royce Ring to further weaken an already deplorable bullpen that blew 31 saves last year.  My major off-season acquisition of shortstop Khalil Greene hit a mind-blowing .212 last season, I haven’t even tried to land a closer and I am taking Ludwick and Ankiel to arbitration because I want to make them feel uncomfortable about playing in St. Louis.  And as soon as this season is over and we have been embarrassed by the Cubs and Brewers, LaRussa and Duncan will walk and I’ll have this team right where I want it: going nowhere!

At least Ballpark Village is right on track:

ballpark village.jpg

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Another Guide for Passing the Time

In his last post, my oft misguided and ever self-loathing colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, offered up some morbid thoughts on how to pass the next several weeks while we wait to thaw out and spring into some serious baseball action.  Poignantly defeatist in nature, Mr. Krause squashed our spirits more than he uplifted them, as more lamenting on the sad state of Detroit sports franchises and focusing on the natural discourse between Iran and the rest of the world leaves little else than a tinge of bitterness.

Dear readers, there are many more things you can do with your time.  For instance…

steelers superbowl champs.JPG

Postulate How Many More Superbowls the Steelers Will Win Before the Pirates Get Back to the Post-Season (If They Ever Do)

Already the winningest franchise in NFL history, the Pittsburgh Steelers have long drowned out the cheers (if any) from the Pirates faithful.  But don’t worry, ‘Burgh, the 2009 Pirates boast a lineup that features the likes of Jose Tabata, Brian Bixler and Nyjer Morgan!  Whoo-wee!  Get out the ticker-tape, ya’ll!  I’m feeling a bit like 1991!

Count the Reasons Why Ann Coulter Has No Soul

Verily, this woman is as crazy as A-Rod is attention hungry.  In her most recent blog post (dated 1/28/2009), she had this brilliant quip to share:

“The only reason McCarthy was elected to Congress in the first place is
that her husband and son were shot by a crazed gunman on the Long
Island Rail Road in 1993. Colin Ferguson’s shooting spree wasn’t
stopped sooner because none of the passengers had guns. As has been
demonstrated beyond dispute at this point, armed citizens save lives.”

There is no way these words came from a live human being complete with a heartbeat and the ability to actually feel.  No way.

Waste Your Life Away by Playing the Harold Reynolds Drinking Game
(I don’t personally recommend this, but if you’re looking for a quick, painless way to hibernate until Opening Day, click **here** for details. And when I say “painless” I’m lying.)

Try To Nail Down How Many Games the Cardinals Will Finish Behind the Cubs in 2009
Let’s see, there’s Adam Kennedy, Trever Miller, a busted up bullpen virtually unchanged from last season, question marks at third base, second base, starting rotation, no one to protect Albert Pujols, the reality that LaRussa and Duncan will most likely be gone next year, and we still have Bill Dewitt and John Mozeliak at the helm!  Folks, that’s just the beginning… I won’t go in to how good the Cubs look, how fresh and exciting the Reds look, how explosive the Brewers look, how nagging the Astros look.  Ooh boy, can’t wait to battle Tabata, Bixler and Morgan in the ‘Burgh for the NL Central Toilet Bowl!

Whew.

Okay, so I admit, my suggestions are just as morbid and defeatist as Allen’s… but if there is one thing we can all agree on, it is that a laugh — a good, hearty, gut-cleansing laugh —  can last us a while… or in this case, a long, long while:

Now that is what I call comedy!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace

Jeffy

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