Results tagged ‘ John Mozeliak ’

Russian Roulette

deer hunter.jpgJason Isringhausen.  Ryan Franklin.  Ron Villone.  Kyle McClellan. 

Spin the chamber.  Pull the trigger.  See who you get.

russ.springer.jpgOn Sunday night, you got Russ Springer in the 8th inning.  You also got the rocket-like go-ahead homerun Shane Victorino catapulted off the aging journeyman reliever, which ruined a splendid starting performance by Todd Wellemeyer.

So it’s the same old story in St. Louis.

The bullpen is about as reliable as GW Bush is eloquent and the Cardinals have done a wonderful job of losing tight ballgames all season long because no one in the pen has been able to close the deal.  No one instills fear.  No one throws better than my grandma.

While John Mozeliak looks more and more like Ann Coulter, the Cardinals look more and more like a rollover ballclub that realistically can’t compete with the rest of the division, league, sport.

Dear readers, the dreaded paradigm shift seems to have begun.  Don’t adjust your monitor; what you are witnessing is real.  It appears that the Cardinals of today are not the Cardinals of yesterday.  They went from a heady go-get-em front office to a sit back and pray for the best front office in just one GM switch; and I’m afraid that in baseball, that philosophy doesn’t ever work.

Look at the Royals.

I have gone to great lengths to adequately describe — with videos and pictures — the extreme pain and anguish involved in watching the Cardinals try to hold a lead late in the game.  Presently, I feel that I am at a loss for expression.  How can I go any lower?

I’m afraid I can’t.  But I am an US American and US Americans don’t give up.  We never give up, even when a bitter, out-of-touch GOP presumptive nominee fails to realize that he received donations from a prominent hotelier who just so happened to sire the very vixen said nominee compared his opponent to in a scrupulous attack ad meant to instill psychological distrust among the mass of US Americans.  No, we don’t give up in the face of such abuses of power, and we won’t give up in the fight against mediocrity.  

To prove that this calloused plight is real, I recently started the Bring Bruce Sutter Out of Retirement Campaign.  While I go door to door to bring back Bruce, I also arranged for Dave LaRoche to school the Cardinals bullpen on the finer points of the Eephus pitch exhibited here:

It might not seem like much, but it’s more comforting than TLR and Dunc spinning the chamber and hoping they don’t get their brains blown out.  Of course, the optimist in me realizes that things could always be worse…

We could be the Tigers after all.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

May I Propose a Trade?

kid.crying.jpgAs has happened in years past, the trade deadline frenzy wore me out and left me for dead.  With all the craziness around the league where names like Bay, Ramirez, Griffey, Teixeira, Rodriguez and Farnsworthless are changing into new uniforms, I’m not sure how I should feel.  I know I don’t feel good; but I suppose when it’s all said and done, life could be a lot worse.

Take the Cubs for example.  Having just swept the Brewers, they’re sitting pretty right now atop the NL Central, owning what could be the best starting rotation — thanks to the acquisition of Rich Harden — in the league, yet their fans — frenzied to the max — are out beating up Brewers fans in Milwaukee, bludgeoning Sox fans at little kids’ birthday parties, and writing me continuously obscene hate mail like this:

“…f***in cards s*** no trade no bullpen izzringnhausen is worhtless peace of s*** you f***ing s***hole who wont right me back but you prolly scared coz i put you inyour f***in place you b****. pujols willl prolly break his face from being on such a s****y team. you think ur so hot stuff wel ur not so you can eat a big fat d*** you f** b**** cubs rule sox s*** cards dead…”
cubluvr1995@yahoo.com, July 31, 2008

That sure is some way to express one’s excitement regarding his team’s chances as we get into the latter two months of the season.  Now don’t get me wrong, when the Cardinals or the Sox do well, there’s nothing that makes me feel better than going out and beating the living snot out of a guy or better yet, writing incoherent expletive-ridden emails from the safe anonymity of my mom and dad’s basement.  The difference is: I’m way cool about it.

But the senseless beatings of non-Cub supporters are not that important in the grand scheme of the world.  We US Americans have a decision to make soon; and the way things stand now, that decision won’t be too difficult. 

Recently, Senator John McCain, finally cognizant of the fact that he is about as camera-friendly as a seventy year old scab, hit the airwaves with a new attack ad relating Barack Obama’s popularity of Hope politics to the flagrant shenanigans of infamous celebrities Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.   Uh, yeah.  They’re like one in the same.  I can hardly tell the difference.  Shall we?

Thumbnail image for britney.spears.jpgThumbnail image for obamasox2.jpg

paris.hilton.jpg

Yes, it’s clearly obvious to all who have eyes that Obama’s appeal carries the same sentiment and clamor that comes with these two lovely ladies and their raucous good looks. 

Thank you, John McCain, for taking the time to educate me on this issue.  I’m sure that there is nothing more important you or your campaign could be working on right now what with two wars and an economic crisis being such minor inconveniences.

Dear readers, this odd political angle of strategizing towards the completely ignorant is a bit tired.  This cries out that McCain has lost whatever semblance of an edge he might’ve had at one time and therefore, his message has become stale, moot, boring. 

ron.paul.jpgMay I propose a trade?  Would anyone mind if the GOP pulled out a Manny-like deal and traded John McCain and Rick Davis for Ron Paul?  Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.  Paul is a hard-lined Libertarian-rooted Republican who actually represents the conservative ideals of eradicating Big Government; he also uses the “R” word with conviction and is just as tired of the sickening state of US America as you and I are.  He’s a funny guy — even charming to some degree — and most of all, he would make this race (which, has already become more boring than Clinton v. Dole ’96) an exciting one to watch.

Is it too much to ask the GOP to make this necessary move?  We can extend the deadline… push back the convention if we need to… just this once.  Let’s do it!  I believe that US Americans deserve a good, entertaining political fight and just think of how fun it would be to see Ron Paul and Barack Obama debate the finer points of smoking weed.  Heck, they might even end up agreeing on something!

And that, dear readers, would be a beautiful thing.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Countdown to Incompetence Part II: Beyond Squeamish

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Barney_Frank.jpgThought it couldn’t get any worse? 

Wrong.  It can.  It will.  US Americans will suffer

Dear readers, another day is gone; the Cardinals bullpen still su<ks.  And somehow, John Mozeliak still manages to keep a smile on his face.  Perhaps he heard about Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank’s new proposal and decided to get a head start on my aura.  That’s the only reason I can think of that would somewhat adequately explain Mozeliak’s easy-going penchant for incompetence.

Well, I’m just sick about it. 

The Cardinals had to score five runs in the 9th last night to secure a victory because the gods knew a one-run lead wouldn’t be enough.  But how long can one expect the Cardinals to do this?  How often will the Cubs and Brewers spot us a five-run lead going into the late innings of a game? 

passed.out.jpgWhen a team has already recorded over 20 blown saves midway through the season, it’s hard not to find its fans puking in the street.  Yesterday, I was moved to illustrate my queasy frustrations with a Corey Feldman video that makes me equally — if not more — uncomfortable. 

But that was yesterday.  Things have gotten a lot worse since then.  With one day left until the trade deadline, I’m afraid watching the Cardinals attempt to hold close leads will now make me as uncomfortable as I feel watching this:

**Warning!** The two minutes and twelve seconds you are about to lose from your life can not ever be replaced. You may or may not leave the video a lesser man/woman.

Have you lost your appetite, dear reader?  Now you know how I feel.


Thumbnail image for john_mozeliak.jpgThis must stop.  Mozeliak, be a man.  Don’t send the fans, the men who wear birds on the bat, and TLR the wrong message.  Prove to us that you want to win and you want to win now.

I don’t just speak for myself.  I speak for Red States, Blue States, all the States of US America.  Mr. Mozeliak, you can hate me ‘cuz I’m an ^sshole and you can surely hate me ‘cuz I’m a closet Corey Feldman fan, but please don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Countdown to Incompetence

mozeliak_2.jpgThe July 31st trade deadline isn’t getting any further away yet the St. Louis Cardinals front office, led by GM John Mozeliak, seems content with not trying to get better for a possible playoff push.  Apparently, Mozeliak, who is beginning to remind us of a certain head of state stubborn enough to believe his own methods of irresponsibility and subtle lunacy will actually work despite the entire planet’s discouragement, is quite okay with sitting back and letting fate (or the lack thereof) decide the ballclub’s competitive future.

In case you weren’t watching that god-awful series against the Brewers last week, Mr. Mozeliak, the Cardinals desperately need bullpen reinforcements.  DESPERATELY.  Pull the trigger.  Go out and get a guy who can hold a lead in the late innings.  Do something — anything — that will prove to Cardinals fans that you actually care.  We US Americans can no longer accept the fact that the Cubs, Brewers, Yankees, even the Astros, are spending a little bit of money, going out and getting all the pieces they need to make it to the post season.

And now that Izzy has been given the closer duties — again — our best bet is to have at least a 9-run lead going into the final innings of the game.  The Cardinals bullpen has already given me a serious heart condition and as I have said before, watching them in save situations makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

How uncomfortable?

As uncomfortable as you’ll feel watching this:

Yes, that really happened. 

Yes, Corey Feldman really takes himself seriously. 

And yes, it’s hard to feel more uncomfortable than that… though the Cardinals brass, with their non-existent attempts at making a deal, are trying their very hardest to best it.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Why Must the Cardinals Make My Life Miserable?

I can’t eat.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t find a date.

Thank you, St. Louis Cardinals.

kyle_lohse.jpgI went to bed last night thinking: So we blew it.  So what.  Tomorrow will be fine.  Lohse is on the mound.  We’ll be fine.  Really.  It’s all good.  The man is Lazarus.

And he was — just fine, raised from the dead and all — until he was left in a little too long and he started to show weakness: a crumbling arm.  And Tony, with little else to fall back on, because Mozeliak won’t make a deal for some relief, left him in.

And all hell broke loose.

I, as a St. Louis Cardinal fan and devoted US American, refuse to accept this surface steaming idealogical concept that we can survive on our own, without making a deal.  We’re up against the free-spending Cubs and Brewers!  Get your act together, Mr. Mozeliak!  You’re looking a lot like sit-on-my-^ss-while-I-read-a-story-book-GW Bush during the greatest tragedy of our time!

a-rod smirk.jpgI wrote an editorial on my dissatisfaction with the Cardinals’ front office and submitted it to the New York Times; however, they rejected it on the basis that it wasn’t controversial enough — not enough T&A — and it had nothing to do with the Yankees, the Mets, A-Rod nor Madonna.

So much for being the world leader in print news, New York Times.  For that I offer you a great big RSBS “EAT IT!”

And no, you may not hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Filibuster

The Cubs, Cards and Brewers have turned the NL Central into a dogfight. With
Chicago and Milwaukee making big moves to bring in high caliber pitching,
St. Louis seems to be the odd man out at this point. What moves if any do
you think the Cards will make and which team (or teams) will emerge from the
dust in September?

– Allen

                                                                                      

jesus_cubs.jpgAllow me to begin by sending out a great big RSBS EAT IT! to all the critics and analysts who said the NL Central would be the worst division in baseball prior to the season’s start.  On the contrary, the Central has turned out to be one of the better, more exciting divisions to watch.  Of course, with the NY/LA obsessed media still dictating what is and isn’t entertaining to the mass of US Americans, this competitive division will probably still remain out of the spotlight.  This is a downright shame — not as shameful as the existing snoozefest otherwise known as the NL West — but still, it’s a shame.

And as Mr. Krause points out, the NL Central has gotten a whole lot better in recent weeks.  But while the Brewers and Cubs went out and made heavy hitting deals for C.C. Sabathia (with periods on my watch) and Rich Harden respectively, it appears that the Cardinals front office really is sitting back — waiting for some divine intervention deus ex machina style.

Or are they?

Long gone are the Walt Jocketty days of going out and getting a guy to win now.  No more Larry Walker or Will Clark-esque deals will be happening under John Mozeliak’s rule — that much was already made clear in the offseason when the Brewers, Cubs and Astros all went out and spent a lot of money to get better, thus leaving the Redbirds (and their fans) questioning the sincerity of Mozeliak’s commitment to now.  To say that Mozeliak doesn’t want to win is unfair; I believe he does, but I also think his methods are unrealistic when considering our competition and their subsequent open pocketbooks.

Mozeliak and the Cardinals’ brass have been saying that the mid-season reactivation of Mark Mulder and Chris Carpenter would be their “big move” before the trade deadline.  Well, the first part of that plan has already proved a bigger bust than the Billary Clinton campaign’s postponing cession from the primaries because  “…Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California.”  So let’s not count on Mark Mulder’s bum arm/shoulder to be anything other than what it is: a bum arm/shoulder. 

chris.carpenter.jpgAnd while Chris Carpenter could be that mentally motivating savior in the clubhouse who simultaneously goes on a hot streak of domination, what if he’s not?  What if he goes back on the DL?  It’s very possible, folks.  The guy hasn’t pitched a big league game since opening day of 2007 and while his presence was definitely missed last year, it  really hasn’t been missed that much this season.  The St. Louis hodgepodge rotation of Wainwright (when healthy), Lohse, Looper, Wellemeyer, Pineiro and Brad Thompson have done quite well for themselves.  The Cardinals’ Achilles heal isn’t starting pitching.

Nor is it protecting Albert, though many people would like us to believe that.  Rumors are afloat that the Cardinals could make a big, colossal, GINORMOUS deal for Matt Holliday.  Really?  Is that what St. Louis needs?  Another big, expensive bat who we won’t be able to afford after 2009?  No.  Ryan Ludwick, Rick Ankiel and Troy Glaus, as far under the radar as they are, have been doing a good job of protecting A.P.

What the Cardinals really need is a reliever who can throw anything other than lollygaggin’ batting practice fastballs late in a game.  And they are out there: Damaso Marte, George Sherrill, Brian Fuentes.  One of those guys better be wearing the birds on the bat before July 31st or I may drink myself into delirium from anguish.  In recent weeks, watching the last three innings of a Cardinal game has become as uncomfortable as this:

And no one wants to suffer like that — not even John McCain, which is why he hasn’t taken a liking to the moniker: MC CAIN.  Too bad for him… and liberals abound.

ann coulter.jpgSo who will be at the top of the Central once it is all said in done?  Hell if I know.  If I did, I wouldn’t be watching the games so intently, or care.  But thanks for asking, Mr. Krause.  If you remember correctly, I did predict the Brewers would win the Central while secretly hoping the Cards would at least have a wild card bid.  The second half of that may be true still, but those Cubbies are awfully tough, which is exactly why I’ll be so happy to see them crumble towards the end of the year (if my deal with the devil works out the way it’s supposed to).

On the flipside, in the American League Central, I hear that Jimmy Leyland is so upset, distraught, and bothered by the lack of urgency in his team (particularly the pitching staff) that he is exploring new avenues of work.  In his preparation, he sent me this official press photo that he hopes will ignite interest:

jim.leyland.jpgUh, yeah.  No.  Sorry, Jimmy.  You might want to stick with managing crappy, overpaid, underachieving baseball teams in Detroit. 

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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