Oh, man, these last few days living the life of a bonafide Yankee fan have been some sort of trip!  Jeesh, the amount of work that goes into it… it’s just… staggering.

But overall, the sense of entitlement, inflated ego and blabbering-slandering mouth I’ve picked up have helped me transition.

Just to prove my ability, if you haven’t noticed, the Yankees still have 27 trophies.  Still have iconic pinstripes.  Still tout the achievements of the Babe.

Also,
we won Game 1 of the ALCS.  Ha!  Jesus may be on Josh Hamilton’s side,
but underneath that purple robe and thistle crown, Jesus flashes
pinstripes.  Believe that!

Of course, not everything about being a
Yankee fan is easy… which is why I want to share with you my biggest
test yet: enduring Suzyn Waldman.

Jeff as a Yankees Fan, DAY 5:

7:30 a.m.
My
Yankee posse overloads me with a heavy ear workout, forcing me to
listen to the worst broadcasters ever known: Chip Caray, Hawk Harrelson,
Joe Buck.  My coaches insist this is necessary.  I have to build up my
tolerance.  Because I won’t have the option of turning off the radio,
even though I will most certainly want to.

9:50 a.m.
My
ears, sore as can be, can’t take another minute of awful announcing…
so I am forced to endure a thousand papercuts on each lobe instead.

1:00 p.m.
It’s
lunch time.  I’m starving.  And instead of a good healthy meal full of
the necessary proteins and vitamins I will need before game time, I am
presented a platter of fatty, fried foods.  “What’s this?” I ask. 
“Standard pre-Yankee game meal, Jeff” says the chef. “We gotta get you
full of s*** so you fit in tonight.”

4:15 p.m.
I take a nap.  I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former Yankees and
the sons of former Red Sox will be able to sit down together at a
table of brotherhood and —– what the — damn, that was a stupid dream.

8:05 p.m.
Game time. I f****** HATE the Rangers.  Go Yankees!

8:06 p.m.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Suzyn Waldman’s voice… it’s… at
game time it’s even worse than… no… three more hours of… I gotta
listen to this crap for three more –

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

9:45 p.m.
Are we winning?  Are we losing?  I can’t stop my ears from bleeding.  Damn you, Suzyn Waldman. Damn you!!!

11:15 p.m.
It’s all over now.  It’s been over.  We won.  But wow… it was not
easy.  I never thought I’d say this, because I find him to be a perfect
example of everything that’s wrong with modern day broadcasting, but
thank the baseball gods for John Sterling…

Now, does anyone know a good ears, nose and throat guy?

- – -

To be continued…