Results tagged ‘ Johnny Damon ’

The Filibuster

If you were in the A’s bleacher section, and you could only choose one, would it be bacon or beer?

Mark
New Albany, IN

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Jeff continuously tells me how engaging the NBA has become.  According to him, it’s not just the quality of the professional game, it’s also the personalities and all the drama surrounding them.  To use a direct quote, “It’s a goddamn soap opera.”

Baseball, on the other hand, is rather tame.  Sure, there are historic villains like Ty Cobb and uplifting stories like Jackie Robinson and Josh Hamilton.  But it’s all kind of “Touched by an Angel” while the NBA is more “The Wire.”

The perfect example of this is Jeff Francoeur and his love affair with the Oakland fans.  Sure, it’s great that Francoeur has made a personal connection with the fans of another team.  But is that really good for baseball?  Wouldn’t it be better if Francoeur had left Oakland after coming up with the team and was greeted by a beer shower while trotting along the warning track?

That kind of rancor just doesn’t exist in baseball today.  Albert Pujols left behind a city that adored him and although St. Louis fans are heart-broken, most of them still respect Albert and remember him fondly.  Johnny Damon not only left the Red Sox, he went to play for their arch-enemy and shaved his beard.  Boston fans were upset but they didn’t hate him with the cold intense hatred that Cleveland has for LeBron James.

Maybe it’s because baseball is played in summer and draws families out to watch games together.  Maybe it’s the stir-craziness of winter and the 60 minute intensity of a basketball game that creates an aura around the game as a whole.  Or maybe baseball just doesn’t have the same type of personalities you find in basketball.  Let’s be honest, how often do you hear about a baseball player choking his coach or punching out a fan?

I don’t see that changing.  Sure, I’d love to say that if I was one of those fans in Oakland, I’d keep the money and throw the baseball back.  The fact is, though, I’d be thrilled to death.  And that’s not just because being an A’s fan is even worse than being a Royals fan.

Somebody needs to spice things up a bit, give people a reason to hate.  And no, I’m not talking about Milton Bradley, preschool-esque drama.  I’m talking pure, LeBron James type anger.  I think Francoeur has a golden opportunity to start it off, too, by taking that relationship he has built with the Oakland fans and totally misusing it.  In fact, I even have the perfect recipe:

I bet no one would choose a caramel onion.

-A

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The RSBS Podcast, Episode 23: Buster’s Broken Body… and Other Stuff

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna join forces in what is secretly designed as an intervention for Allen and his anachronistic memory.  The three of them then launch into some raunchy debates over this young MLB season, including but not limited to double headers, home plate collisions, “offensive” t-shirts and much, much more… all to make you smile for berry berry long time!

Holla!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

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*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you take some time to check out Keith and his crew’s laugh-riot podcast. Follow him on Twitter to get the latest updates.  They’re doing some fantastic work!  You can find out more at Undercard Films.

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Recorded Saturday, May 28, 2011

Three Up, Three Down

pedro martinez bucket head.jpegJust like a Pedro Martinez pitched inning circa 1999, this is gonna be quick, probably painful and will most likely include more soul-glo than the FDA deems acceptable:

rahm emanuel this big.jpgRAHM!

A few weeks ago, I ran into Rahm Emanuel at the Roosevelt Red Line stop.  I shook his hand, wished him luck in the Chicago mayoral election, then basked in the warm glory that is his presence.  Yeah, kinda makes me sick too.  But I can’t lie.  He had a an insidiously welcoming glow about him.  And as I stood there, standing next to (and above, as the man is quite short) him, I couldn’t help but debate myself, asking Well, Jeff, are we on Rahm’s team or no

Then, yesterday, I read *this* and realized the Carol Moseley Underlings and Gery Chico Brigade might have already made the decision for me.

Of course, Rahm is Rahm and Rahms don’t go down without a fight.

So let’s sit back and watch as time and LOTS OF MONEY are wasted on the proceedings. 

The American Way.

Se la vie.

Tampa Bay Rays.jpgRAYS!

Call it desperation or call it genius (I’m goin’ with genius, by the way), but the Tamp Bay Rays certainly found a flashy way to fill some holes in their lineup by adding Idiot One and Idiot Two to their roster.  On the cheap!  Hey, if they could just convince Curt Schilling (and that unstoppable mouth) to suit back up, maybe the Rays will have a real chance at stickin’ it to the Yank Sox again this year!  If nothing else they have succeeded in ultimately defying logic: Manny Ramirez will get $2 million while *GASP* Kyle Farnsworth will make $2.7 million!  WTF?!?!?!?

jay cutler.jpgJAY!

Say what you want about the Chicago Bears and their NFC Championship performance, but as a Chicagoan, I call out to all fellow Chicagoans to lay off Jay Cutler.  For realz. 

In fact, I’m just gonna shut up about it and defer to RSBS regular, Johanna Mahmud with the quote:

nfl
is becoming human cockfighting. #6 is ****ing tough. he got dry humped
up and down the field all season long behind that AWFUL offensive line
and still came to play everyday. GUHHHH…..
you can never quiet the stupid.

So.

So.

True.

Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

So, it looks like we’ll watch the playoffs from the sidelines this year
since both of our teams decided to nosedive in the second half.  Which
teams’ failure is the most discouraging, though, the Tigers or the
Cards?

-Allen
Tigers fan
_______________________________

dead cardinal.jpg

A clever move from my sinister and oft pejorative colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, inserting himself into the Filibuster box by stuffing it with this one question, over and over and over again.  I guess some part of Mr. Krause is looking for sympathy in the wake of yet another disappointing season in Detroit; because anyone with any sort of baseball awareness knows that the greater discouragement between these two teams most assuredly belongs to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Hell, up to a few weeks ago we were all buzzing about how the Cards could just mail it in for the NL Central title.  How could they not?!?  A team anchored by two of the best pitchers in the game (Wainwright, Carpenter), flanked by serious ROY candidate Jaime Garcia, a solid Jake Westbrook… and I haven’t even gotten to the offense centered around Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday… a team like this… it screams playoffs.

So how is it that they are dead?

Lack of motivation.  Sense of entitlement.  Clubhouse squabbling.  Streakiness.  The absence of a clear, dominating, team leader.

Really, that’s what it comes down to.

Meanwhile, the 2010 edition of the Tigers never had a chance to begin with.  Outside of Justin Verlander (who struggled early on), their pitching was a complete mess (Dontrelle Willis anyone?).  They started two rookies in Austin Jackson and Scott Sizemore… and at the very last minute they signed a less-than-stellar Johnny Damon to… well, to do what, I don’t really know.  His non-impact did the talking.  Or not.  Depending on how you look at it.

So, Mr. Krause, of course the Cardinals’ 2010 fail remains more epic (as the kids iz sayin’) than your disastrous Detroit Tigers, who are apt to see Jimmy Leyland walk away after the season, so that he can spend more quality time smoking… and… smoking.

But not all hope is lost for the RSBS universe.  The Rays and Rangers look like fun teams to root for in the postseason, and let us not forget… Mr. Krause still has a horse in this race:

allen loves joe mauer.jpg

Hate me ‘cuz I got people who can extract sensitive information, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pics of Mr. Krause declaring his love for Albert Pujols & Co. also welcome. I have a hunch…

Insult and Injury

You would think that with the Tigers’ recent vault into the top spot in the AL Central I would be happy.  But I’m not.

There’s just too much going wrong for all this to continue.  The Tigers have been winning but it is in spite of, not because of, the baseball gods that they do so.  Don’t believe me?  Look at the list.  Galarraga’s (nearly) perfect game.  Zumaya’s horrific injury.  Damon’s phantom 3rd strike against the Braves.  There’s only one logical conclusion.  Despite the Tigers’ run, the baseball gods have it in for them.  In fact, if you could peer in on those gods right now as they address the Tigers, it would probably sound a little bit like this:

“Wanna make $14 the hard way?”  Well, at least that would buy me a beer and a hotdog at the game, both of which make the gods’ antipathy a little easier to swallow.

-A

The Filibuster

I’m a huge baseball fan and I love your blog but sometimes I worry about
all the blasphemy.  Any chance you guys could tone that down a little? 
More baseball, less blasphemy.

Jonathan
Wheaton, IL
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pissed-jesus.jpgBlasphemy?

What blasphemy?

We don’t know no stinking blasphemy!

The following are all FACTS that our loyal interns have researched thoroughly.  If you do not regard them as FACTS then that is your problem and not ours because they’ve been teaching this stuff for a couple thousand years and I don’t know about you, but anything that has been taught for a couple thousand years MUST be FACT…

Jesus Only Likes Certain Baseball Players
You will know which players he likes by the individual player’s performance.  Jesus will help guys get homeruns but for those whom he detests (Mark Reynolds comes to mind) he will cause problems by making him strikeout with runners in scoring position.  If this is too confusing, then think of it this way: Jesus loves Josh Hamilton, hates Aramis Ramirez.  Loves Albert Pujols, hates Raul Ibanez.  Loves Stephen Strasburg, hates Kenshin Kawakami.

jesus and the 2004 red sox.jpgJesus May Be Johnny Damon
The bloodwork still needs to be finalized — the midichlorians counted over again — but we’re pretty sure that Johnny Damon still holds the key as the physically reformed Jesus on earth.  He helped the Red Sox win the 2004 World Series; if that isn’t proof that Jesus is really the son of god and stuff then I don’t know what else to say to convince you.  If you don’t believe, then you probably don’t believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny either… both unforgivable offenses.

The Face on this Baseball Belongs to Jesus
Don’t believe me?  Well, then prove that it’s NOT Jesus’ face!  Yeah, hahahaha, sucker!!! I knew you couldn’t do it.  Now what?  That’s Jesus’ face, dude.  For serious…

jesus face baseball.jpgJesus Loves to Surprise His Devotees
One day after softball practice, I walk to my car, open up the backseat and BAM!  Jesus bats!

jesus bats.jpgNow if Jesus wasn’t real, if god didn’t want to show me miracles in my life, then how in the hell would these Jesus bats end up in my car all of the sudden?  Huh?!?  Well???  Exactly.  Jesus put them there… ‘cuz Jesus loves me… and

Jesus Hates the Cubs

Some things just never get old…

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see
Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
kraulung@gmail.com. 

*Suggestions on how to draw the prophet Muhammad without getting murdered also welcome.

These Aren’t the Tigers You’re Looking For

fake tigers.jpgThe Detroit Tigers may have signed Johnny Damon, but I am here to remind all Ye Olde English “D” apologists: on this team you will find no Denny McLain.

On this team, there is no Al Kaline.  There is no Kirk Gibson.  No Jack Morris, no Trammell, no Whitaker.

Heck, this ain’t even the ultimately disappointing club that was supposed to win the 2006 World Series.  No, sir.  That squad is now but a bitter memory… and after a series of motor city slips and gaffes including but not limited to Jurrens for Renteria, the brutal rape of their farm system by the merciless Florida Marlins, and a handful of awful contracts best represented by Nate Robertson and Dontrelle Willis, the 2010 Detroit Tigers seem to be more of the weak, purring variety than anything else.

And now that fan favorite Curtis Granderson has been kicked out of the cage, finding fault with this Dave Dombrowski mess is a lot easier than it used to be.

You have Jim Leyland?  Yes, and you also have Jim Leyland cut off from nicotine.

You have athlete extraordinaire, Brandon Inge?  Yes, and you also have his strikeouts.

You have Johnny Damon?  Yes, but you overpaid… and did he come with his wheelchair?

I dunno.  It’s not like I hate the Tigers or anything.  I mean, I have nothing personal against Detroit save hearing about them ad nauseum via my cantankerous and oft negligent colleague Mr. Allen Krause; but that doesn’t affect my judgment.  I simply report the facts, interpreted in my own special way.

And that special way offers this declaration: the Tigers are in for a world of hurt in 2010.

But shhhh.  Don’t tell Al.  Or Johnny Damon. Or Detroiters, all three or four of them.

And whatever you do, please don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

PS. If you think I offer something like this just to p!ss off RSBS‘ other half, then you are absolutely correct… and almost as diabolically undercutting as I.

*fist bump*

RSBS Postseason Awards Show: Part I

With Major League Baseball and various publications handing out their end of the season awards, RSBS has decided to follow suit. Sure, our prizes may not come with any financial reward and they may not trigger any clauses in the affected players’ contracts. But, it is our civic duty. So, without further ado, we present Part I of our two part Postseason Awards Show. Allen, take it away.
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Thunderdome.jpgMost Thunderdome worthy:
Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui
Both Damon and Matsui have been integral parts in the Yankees’ dynamo but with age and injuries taking a toll, one of them will most likely have to go. Obviously, the only fair way to settle the question is to have them fight it out in the Thunderdome. Granted, the one who dies will have a seriously decreased trade value but fair is fair.

Most Valuable Player for the Minnesota Twins:
Rosangel Cabrera
Yeah, you thought it was Joe Mauer but with the Tigers holding a tenuous lead in the AL Central at the end of the season, Miguel Cabrera and his wife, Rosangel, made the alcohol-lubricated sparks fly at home. The aftermath saw Cabrera flop against the White Sox and the Twins pull even before winning the Central.

i_love_albert.jpgJeff’s MDP (Most Dreamy Player):
Albert Pujols
I think we’ve already covered this one. I just hope this comes true for you one day, buddy. You and AP would make an adorable couple and I’d be honored to stand with you at the ceremony.

Most Transformative Player:
Brad Lidge
Transformations work in both directions and after going from Mitch Williams to Mariano Rivera to Eric Gagne in the space of three seasons, you have to wonder what Lidge will become next. If he ends up on the Tigers, I’ll say Trevor Hoffman. But my head says it’s the Canadian-American League.

jeff_allen_nats.jpgMost Amazing RSBS Writer/Person:
Jeff Lung and Allen Krause (in a surprising tie)
We decided to leave this award to our respective mothers to decide. And neither one of them could be swayed to the other side. However, I can’t tell you which one they each voted for so we’ll just leave that to your imagination.

Tune in tomorrow as Jeff brings us Part II of the show. Rumor has it that several Cubs players may have been nominated. Stop by and see if they finally manage to win something.

Note to Yankee Fans: Your OWN Tradition Says You Don’t Need Names On Your Jerseys

yankee fans jerseys.jpgNot my rule. 

Yours.

And since I have heard the Yankee fan speech on why names are not pertinent to your ball club more times than Alex Rodriguez has lied to the public, I say ya’ll should stick to your own program.

Cool?

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

(Image courtesy of the Associated Press)

I Believe in Manny Ramirez

harvey-dent-believe-350w.jpgMy favorite movie of the year so far is “The Dark Knight.” I could wax rhapsodic about this movie for hours (and have) because it encompasses the tension, debate and ambivalence swirling in the atmosphere surrounding the United States these days. However, the one quote from the movie that really stuck with me is when Harvey Dent says, “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The funny thing is that this sentiment is just as true in baseball as it is in Gotham City’s political arena.

This season saw the return of Jim Edmonds to the Midwest but probably not in the colors people expected him to wear. And I’m sure the Cardinals faithful, like my friend Mr. Lung, wished for a moment that he would have either retired or suffered some fate that would have kept him off the diamond as opposed to watching him run onto the field at Busch Stadium wearing Cubbie blue.

I’d bet it’s the same way Red Sox fans feel when they see a well-scrubbed Johnny Damon patrolling center field in the Bronx. Let’s be honest, the age of free-agency (and especially the Faustian machinations of Scott Boras) has not been kind to baseball fans. No sooner have you purchased your CC Sabbathia Milwaukee Brewers jersey then he’s shipping out to the east coast and the Steinbrenners’ warm embrace.

However, all this is nothing compared to the uproar if and when Manny signs with the Yankees. Yeah, he may have dogged it in Boston to secure a trade. He may have pushed around old men while he was there, too. But can you really imagine Manny in Yankee pinstripes? Even talking about it sounds kind of dirty. But that’s how it works today. One day a Cardinal, the next a Cub. Heart of the Red Sox in 2006, soul of the Yankees in 2008.

So what’s a baseball fan to do? How do you accept it when the guy who is the face of your franchise leaves for greener pastures? How do you not see the old hero you loved as the Benedict Arnold he has become? Well, it turns out that there’s one other movie franchise that reflects the world around us almost as well as Batman. And earlier this year in “Quantum of Solace” one of Mr. Bond’s associates said it best: “When one’s younger, it seems very easy to distinguish between right and
wrong. But as one gets older, it becomes more difficult… the villains
and the heroes get all mixed up
.” It’s fitting that Bond would add nuance to a formerly black and white world. Still, that isn’t going to get me any money back on that Ivan Rodriguez Tigers jersey.

-A

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