Results tagged ‘ Juan Uribe ’

An Extremely Loose and Semi-Offensive Transcription of What Ozzie Guillen Said Last Night

ozzie guillen laughing.jpgYou know it.  I know it.  The US American people know it.

FOX hired Ozzie Guillen to be an analyst on their pre and post game shows for one reason and one reason only: to make sure you at least consider watching their otherwise boring pre and post game shows.

And if you were one of the three or so people who stayed tuned after last night’s rout to suffer through 15 minutes of Chris Rose and Eric Karros’ lisp, well, you’re just as glad as I am that Ozzie was there to break up the monotony.

Even though we have no clue what he said.

The uber-linguistic RSBS interns got to work transcribing, but even they aren’t sure.

Ozzie on the World Series atmosphere:

Dis is wazza gonna want for the ho season. Back in spring train, dis is wazza gonna tink abow forda ho year.  To win a gang after gang after gang, izza gonna hafta looze too.  But dassa wazza gonna happen.  Enjoy it!!!

Ozzie on Juan Uribe’s playoff heroics:

Well, dazza wazza gonna happen.  Dis guy, Uribe, he like a big cat dat like-uh eat something.  He like-uh eat anyting.  Really, he juzza gonna eat so you better let eem eat.  He can hurchoo witta glub and witta bat een hees hanz.

And of course…

Ozzie on what the Rangers have to do to counter the Game 1 loss:

Furs of all, you gonna habba go back in dat clobehouse wit your head up high and make sure you not gonna habba stroke or whadebba ees not gonna kill you you lose one gang.  Errybody losing a gang or eef you northsider you lose a lotta gang (hehehehe) but eet not gonna mattuh go home and tell yo wife you lubba den you relax or what you gonna do to sleep and go to clobehouse tomorrow and win dat gang and maybe another gang back in your own clobehouse.  Dazza wazza gonna habba do.

Whew.

FOX may lose points with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.  But, dear readers, Ozzie Guillen is an entertainment gold mine!

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(special thanks to Johanna Mahmud, who contributed to this post)

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 1: Hanley’s Lollipop… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo.jpg

Click me to listen!!!

The virgin voyage, y’all!

Okay, so you knew this was gonna happen eventually… just enjoy it.  We did!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff introduces Chicago rock phenom and avid Cubs fan, Johanna Mahmud to the RSBS family.   When not front-manning the intoxicating alt-rock group, Meqqa, Johanna manages to drink Jeff’s beer and fantasize about a team made up of twenty-five Alfonso Sorianos.  Okay.  That second part may be a lie… but this part ain’t: when these two guys start talkin’ baseball, it’s all fun and games.  Among the topics of discussion: Roy Oswalt’s bulldozer, Lou Piniella’s preggers look, the Brendan Ryan pornostache hysteria, Hanley’s lollipop and much, much more.

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and all-around sound guru.  He always knows where Ryne Sandberg is.  Always.

For more on Meqqa, please visit their website *CLICK ME!*

Recorded Saturday, May 22, 2010

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back!!!!

jim.thome.jpgThe way the balls were jumping out of The Joan today, one might have thought that the Chicago Air Show started a day early.  That wasn’t the case.  No.  Those were homeruns flying out of the ballpark, not F-14s, and at least four of them flew out in a row: back-to-back-to-back-to-back

When you say that out loud, it sounds like a bad rap song.

But what Jim Thome, Paul Konerko, Alexei Ramirez and Juan Uribe did today, in immediate succession of one another wasn’t bad at all.  It was truly a thing of beauty.

And it got me thinking…

Rarely do things as delightful as homeruns occur four times in a row (especially in the post-PED era) … so when they do, it surely is magical.  What else would I like to see back-to-back-to-back-to-back?

How about:

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Saves by the St. Louis Cardinals Bullpen:
Because of the rarity of this now-merely-theoretical possibility, I am beginning to think that the 2008 Cardinals are looking more and more like the 2007 Cardinals.  And folks, let me tell ya, that ain’t a good thing.

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Republican Sex Scandals:
Foot tappin’ in an airport bathroom stall, meth dealin’ gigolos, married northeastern governors who just happen to dig guys more than their wives… keep ‘em comin’!

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back French Male Olympians Crying After Competition:
Why?  Because the only thing better than watching a Frenchman cry is watching four Frenchmen cry — in a row.  “Zee wemen… zay sink zee cry-eeng… eez sexy.”  Ah, the French are such easy targets sometimes.

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back World Series Titles for a Team NOT Named the Yankees:
It could happen.  No.  Seriously.  It could.  Okay… no.  You’re right.

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Pictures of Allison Stokke Posted on RSBS:
Been there, done that.  For a real treasure trove, click *here*.

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Presidential Terms for the Democratic Party:
FDR did it — by himself — and he was awesome.  I’m not saying let’s rewrite the Constitution.  I’m just saying we could use a good twelve to sixteen years to get some s*** done — for real

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back RSBS Posts Where Allen Krause Doesn’t Offend a Great Number of People:
Look, in this case, I agree with you, Mr. Krause; but somebody has to stop those Christians from firebombing my house!  Enough already!

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Evenings Where I DON’T Receive a Soliciting Phone Call from the Number 800-450-9135:
I signed up for one non-profit organization that stands for making the earth a little bit better place and now, every day, non-stop, I get anonymous phone calls from this number asking me to donate to (insert random charity name here).  No.  I’m through giving my money away.  Why do you think I’m still single?

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Pow-Wow Sessions with the Staff of Arizona via Slough:
I realize that I’m starting to sound like a real perv here, but trust me: I’m not.  I’m interested in his staff because they are smart problem-solvers with real world experience and decorated graduate degrees.  That’s it.  That’s the only reason.  Oh — and they know how to order Chinese food properly as well.  Very important.

And finally…

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back…

I leave the last one up to you, dear reader.  Leave us with your back-to-back-to-back-to-back dream and we’ll see what we can do to make it come true

I promise.  It won’t include rhyming.

You can hate me ‘cuz I’m a dork… but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Crying Game

Dear readers, I may not be a religious man (unless you call screaming “goddamn it!” at the television every time Tony LaRussa goes to the bullpen being religious); but I do believe that the world has a certain order to it — a general plan of well-being that should never be tampered with or questioned.  I may not like it, but in the grand scheme of things, there’s a reason why the Redbirds didn’t make any moves at the trade deadline.  There’s a reason why Kenny Williams kept Juan Uribe on the Southside.  There’s a reason why my counterpart, Allen Krause, is a bit delusional in his posts. 

Knowing this, I know I shall not dare test the waters of fate.

howard.wolfson.jpgSo that is why I’d like to offer Hillary Clinton Campaign Communications Director Howard Wolfson a great big RSBS “EAT IT! for his crybaby rumblings of heretical hindsight and coulda-shoulda-woulda politics. 

After Senator John Edwards’ extramarital affair became public late last week, Wolfson offered this statement:

“I believe we would have won Iowa, and Clinton today would therefore have been the nominee [had Edwards' affair been public at the time]…Our voters and Edwards’ voters were the same people… They were older, pro-union. Not all, but maybe two-thirds of them would have been for us and we would have barely beaten Obama.”

crybaby.jpgSure, Wolfie.  Sounds good.  Easy to say now even if it is just loosely based speculation.  Did you speak with all of the Iowa voters who cast ballots for Edwards?  Did all of those Edwards supporters contact you personally to tell you they voted for him but would’ve voted for Hillary if they knew Johnny was out fumbling with a lady who wasn’t his wife?  Really?  Is that how you got all of this inside information?  And what if you did win Iowa?  Obviously, that means you would’ve swept every other primary too, right?  No competition at all because winning Iowa makes you a lock to win the nomination?  Uh, excuse me… were you even watching the primary?  Uh… did you see how friggin’ close it was all the way to Puerto Rico? 

Mr. Wolfson, I’m afraid such staunch statements do absolutely no good for a Democratic party that already risks the perils of division simply because your people won’t get on the winning team in the fight to make a difference in November.  Referencing what could have happened if what happened didn’t happen doesn’t do a whole lot in the way of progression.  It just makes you look like a whiny sore losing crybaby who won’t be satisfied until he gets what he wants; but, as you, I and the rest of US America clearly see: that just ain’t gonna happen.

This puling rant reminds me of a certain Northside faction who — to this day — continue to put all the blame on a fan for their 2003 NLCS shortcomings rather than simply admitting to being outplayed by a superior team.

This divisive tirade reminds me of a certain blogger (RSBS‘ very own Mr. Allen Krause) who — to this day — continues to put all the blame on the shoddy defense of the Tigers’ pitching staff for their 2006 World Series fall rather than simply admitting to being outplayed by a superior team.

obama_whitesox.jpgThe ’03 Marlins, the ’06 Cardinals, the ’08 Obamasox…

Give credit where credit is due, people… and quit your whining.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Skeletal Heroics

alexei_ramirez.profile.jpgThere’s a buzz down here on the Southside of Chicago and it’s about a man by the name of Ramirezzzzzzzz.  No, not that Ramirez (we civilized US Americans don’t support inhumane c0ckfight wranglers), I’m talking about Alexei Ramirez — the most influential skeleton playing second base in the Majors right now.

I think it’s safe to say that Kenny Williams — genius as he is — had no idea that things would quite work out this way.  He re-signed Juan Uribe, then traded for Orlando Cabrera and moved Uribe to second base to make room.  Uribe went down with an injury and Ramirez (aka The Living, Eating, Breathing, Hitting Skeleton) took over. 

Uribe’s healthy now — healthy on the bench.  And as long as Alexei keeps on doin’ what he’s doin’, that’s exactly where Uribe (aka Fat ^ss) will stay. 

It’s true.  Ramirez has lifted not only the spirits of Southsiders the world over, he’s lifted the team and lifted the W’s.  With his game-tying homerun on Tuesday night, he proved that his previous five dingers weren’t all just flukes; he proved that a skin-and-bones scrapster from the slums of Cuba could actually swing for the fences and he did it in dramatic style

But to look at the guy it’s hard not to ask yourself, “Really?”

He makes David Eckstein look like Barry Bonds.

Not since Manute Bol has a human skeleton demanded so much attention within professional sports.  See if you can see the similarities:

alexei_ramirez.jpgmanute_bol_mugsy_bogues.jpg

My biggest fear isn’t that Ramirez will suddenly lose his flare for the dramatic or his step on a two-hopper or his penchant for a good eye.  No.  My biggest fear is that Juan Uribe will eat him.

Rumor is Uribe has been put on the Prince Fielder diet so as not to devour his teammates.   I just hope it works. 

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

**ON A SIDE NOTE… Please visit the Prince of New York and sound off on why his latest experience with The Man is downright unjust.  There are very few blogs that I read every single day of the week.  His is one of those few.  The guy knows what he’s talking about and he provides the information, research, numbers to back it up.  His book is well-written, insightful and pertinent (also a great big help to fantasynerds like myself).  Deleting comments on blogs is a crime.  Unless a comment is so blatantly racist/vulgar that it can’t be left up for reasons that are otherwise outlined by the FCC, a real blogger who cares about what he/she does would not delete a comment.   Neyer and DePodesta have proven that they’re not men enough to stand up to the fires that they helped start.  So Allen and I would like to give them a great big RSBS “EAT IT!” for their idiocy, self-centeredness and blatant disregard for freedom of speech.  Rock on, Prince, rock on.

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