Results tagged ‘ Kip Wells ’

A Series of Serious Non Sequiturs

thinking_man.jpgBecause sometimes the world just doesn’t turn in a logical direction…

Tragically, Six Shot Dead in Chicago Over the Weekend…
…Cub fans were quick to blame the absences of a healthy Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.

Guy Tells Me I Should Read His Blog About His Fantasy Baseball Team Because “It’s Awesome”…
…said guy subsequently found not to have been laid since 1998.

Cardinals Make Deal to Land Mark DeRosa…
…he ain’t Matt Holliday; but even Matt Holliday ain’t Matt Holiday anymore.  I like this move, if for no other reason than the fact that it has caused mass hysteria for Cub fans who regret seeing him go to make room for the $30 million .232 hitting Milton Bradley.

Washington Nationals Designate Kip Wells for Assignment…

…because if Dave Duncan couldn’t fix him, no one can (nor cares to)?

Coup Overthrows Honduran President Manuel Zelaya…
…thus proving that the recipe for success in South America is violence… and dictatorship… and coffee.  Lots of coffee.

Cub Fan Heard Slamming White Sox Fan By Referencing the 1919 Black Sox Scandal, Again…

…same fan responsible for blaming six shooting deaths on the absences of a healthy Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.

MLB to Launch Streaming Video of Live In-Market Padres Games…

…this AMAZING feature comes just before you realize that a) the Padres su<k b) there are so many other, more exciting things to do in San Diego like Sea World, Chargers training camp and, of course, Mexico and c) Yes, David Eckstein is that short in real life.

Clint Hurdle Settling in as Analyst on the MLB Netowrk…

…even though his makeup gives him an orangish appearance on television, we shouldn’t focus on the fact that he was just fired by the Rockies, or that since his departure the Rockies have gone on a mad winning streak.  We should be watching Hurdle like we watch the ugly girl at the dance: with a bottle of Jack and a heart full of sympathy.

Republican Governor Mark Sanford Returns to the Office After Screwing Argentinian for 8 Whole Years…
…because apparently having bad taste is a prerequisite to running the state of South Carolina.

And finally…

Nick Green Doing A Great Job As Red Sox Shortstop…

…mostly because his name is not Julio Lugo.

Of course, Green would do a lot better job if he happened to be a healthy Mark Prior or Kerry Wood.

You know this.

So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Quick! Give Him the Key to the City!

stephen strasburg.jpgWould someone please explain to me how MLB.com (in all its ballsy-get-outta-my-way glory) has no problem calling Washington Nationals’ first round draft pick, Stephen Strasburg, a “future ace” before he has ever put on a Big League uniform?  I speak Chinese.  I speak it really well.  That does not make me the “future ace” of Sino-US diplomacy.

Or does it?

Now that I have suffered through Bud Selig mispronouncing Cincinnati as “Cincin-nattuh”, Harold Reynolds beating the meaning out of the word “signability” and the absence of MLB Tonight (perhaps the most entertaining baseball program on the planet due to its painstaking efforts to suck in the ADD crowd), I think I have a solution to all this draft hoopla.

Listen up, Washington Nationals.  Quickly, throw all the money you have at Strasburg, give him a private jet, a harem fit for a politician and whatever else he could possibly need, then let that boy prove himself at the Major League level.  Right now

The current state of the Nationals is, at best, barrenly bleak: their pitching staff is five Shairon Martis wins above absolutely atrocious, their defense makes Alfonso Soriano look like a diamond wheel gold-glover, Adam Dunn can’t get a properly fitted jersey to save his spare tire, the jerseys they do have are highly susceptible to the occasional spelling blunder (*ahem*, make that, blunders, plural), they suffer from an extreme identity crisis (are we the Nationals/Expos/Senators/Twins/Rangers/the other Senators?), enlist low-brow stomach-churning marketing, are exposed by their inability to properly discharge sausages into the stands, still employ Kip Wells and now they can’t even shoot off fireworks without dumping debris on their own city fire chief (thanks for the tip, Matt).

What the hell could it hurt to put Strasburg in the rotation? 

Throw him into the D.C. fire already.  Let’s see if this kid is indeed a “future ace”, an ace, a back-end starter or a just a plain old joke like the rest of the Washington Nationals.

Do it, do it quickly and do it now.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

GM Goes Government; Washington Nationals Should Consider the Same

gm bankrupt.jpgGeneral Motors is busted.

My dignity (whatever there was of it) is also busted.

And in case you haven’t noticed, the 2009 Washington Nationals are most definitely busted.

Now I realize that it has become cliché hack to go after the lowly Natinals and all their shame — that by marauding these lesser-known squibs I am just one of many basement-confined jokesters, another savvyless cheapshotateer who gets off on landing lowblows wherever I can.

But that’s me.

‘Cuz when you’re bad, you’re bad; and the Washington Nationals are beyond bad.

With a sub-stellar 13-36 record as of the first of June, touting a team ERA of 5.69 and Kip Wells in the bullpen, I think it is time we US Americans seriously consider showing the Washington Nationals a big-time government bailout.

Because if Julian Tavarez can’t save the Nationals, then who in the world can?

GM made crappy cars.  For years, GM didn’t listen to its consumers.  Simply put, GM didn’t care.  They were/are insane: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.  And now GM is virtually as obsolete as their “planned obsolescence” business model: an absolute example of eating your own s*** and dying a terrible death.

adam dunn natinals.jpgLuckily, there is still hope for the Washington Nationals, albeit grim.  Despite fielding a beer-league softball team, they are averaging about 21,000 people per game.  And even if half of those fans are wearing the visiting teams’ duds, that money is still green.

If the government knows anything, it knows how to take money from everyday Joes like us and spend it irresponsibly.  So, save the franchise, Capitol Hill!  I don’t care about GM, but I do care about about the Montreal Expos Washington Nationals and they deserve my tax dollars because let’s face it, Adam Dunn has gotta eat (a lot).

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(GM Image courtesy of the Cleveland Leader)

Fire at Will; Give Fred a Shot

washington nationals suck.jpgWhen a Major League Baseball team fires the majority of its relief pitching staff
and restocks it with a fresh cast of bumming bandits headlined by the
ubiquitously underachieving journeyman Kip Wells (of all waifs), you
can be certain that that team has hit its absolute rock bottom.

Congratulations, Washington Nationals!  You are the burnt toast of our nation’s capital.  We are going to eat you up.

Of course, picking on the Nationals is a lot like kicking a quadriplegic — it does get old after a while — and since my indomitably fatalistic colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, already did a good job
of slamming the organization for all its follies, I would like to
propose a more optimistic approach to gibing this laughingstock of a
team.

manny acta.1.jpgBut first, let us agree that whether Nationals’ manager
Manny Acta is responsible for the team’s atrocious play or not is, at
this point, quite negligible; because, just like a Kyle Farnsworth
fastball to the number eight hitter, Acta is gonna be outta here
And after two miserable years and countless futile attempts at
corralling the motley crew of ex-cons, high profile free agents and
drug addicts, Acta probably won’t mind taking his rightful place in the
unemployment line.

So I — humble paragon of hope that I am –
would like to offer the D.C. brass some friendly advice on who should
replace Acta at the managerial helm.  Let’s face it: right now what the
Nationals need more than anything is a fiery, go get ‘em, gnarly
skipper who won’t take crap from anyone — someone who eschews personal
dignity and goes right for the jugular! 

Mitt Romney comes to
mind.  He’s in the D.C. loop.  He’s Mormon (synonymous with “scary”). 
He supports blowing up people if they don’t agree with him, which is
evident in his recent remarks that President Obama is a “timid advocate of freedom”
for trying to conduct a sensible dialogue with Latin American leaders rather
than walking into the meetings strapped with an AK-47 and a briefcase
full of Zyklon gas. 

Then again, like the Nationals, Romney can be better summed up as a simple loser

I
hear George W. Bush is looking for a job.  And though he is most known
for his stints at drunk driving, mismanaging war and ignoring a city in
peril, I must admit he did do a pretty decent job during his baseball
days in Arlington.  Still, something with Dubya will always be amiss. 
He just doesn’t have the necessary flair it takes to rally a country,
let alone a hapless baseball team.

If not these men, then who,
dear readers, can lead the way?  Who has the guts, the guile, the zip, the zap, the
unadulterated masochism, the uncanny madness… who has what it takes
to whip those gutterball Nationals into a state of frenzied affirmation
and show them what real success tastes like?

There is but one answer.  One man (boy?).  His name is Fred.  And Fred is awesome.

Send Fred into the Nats’ clubhouse — just once
and I guarantee Elijah Dukes will never screw up again.  Don’t believe
me?  See the wrath of Fred (without his medication no less) for
yourself…

…just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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