There was a time when I would have been offended if you didn’t know what HR meant.  Or RBI.  Or SB. 

Don’t quite understand VORP?  UZR?  PECOTA?

Understandable. 

But the baseball basics?  I thought everyone knew them.

I was wrong.

And rightly so.  Not everyone’s interests align with mine; I shouldn’t look down on those who eschew the grandest game on earth (feel sorry for them, yes; patronize them? No.).  Of course, I know this — NOW — after being way out of the loop on a conversation revolving around physics and something called… AFV.

“What is this curious AFV?” I kept asking myself as the cognoscenti carried on, oblivious to my poorly hidden obliviousness.  The conversation dipped and rolled, skipped and scooted… “the air to ground ratio” this and “the hyperbolic arc” that.

Later, when I was all alone, I googled this curious AFV, only to find out that I’m a windmill-chasin’ idiot.  Because AFV stands for America’s Funniest Videos.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The lesson is clear: know your acronyms.  And since we live right in the middle of technocracy’s jumbled white noise, we’d all do ourselves a favor by learning the hard ones.  So, of course, the RSBS interns got to work on providing you, dear readers, with three of the most up-to-date acronyms you’ll ever find:

HLP
(Heterosexual Life Partner)
My HLP is Albert Pujols.  He doesn’t know this (yet), but he is.  He will know sooner if the GD cops would stop throwing this GD order of protection in my face.  Uh… it’s getting in the way of my DESTINY*, Mr. Police MAN.

Ahem.

LIAR
(Lou Intending to Actually Retire)
Admittedly, this is an odd acronym as it only pertains to people named Lou who hold whoop-dee-doo press conferences with the idea of hanging it up for good.  And, considering the nature of our thought processes, it requires us to juxtapose the truth with a LIAR.  If you’re confused, it’s okay.  You should be.  Lou Piniella intends to be in the Bobby Valentine and Buck Showalter retirement camp: waiting for a bigger, better paycheck.

Believe me.

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*DESTINY
(Determined Effort to Stalk Top Infielders Nightly, Yearly)