Results tagged ‘ Managers ’

Where Is Jaws When You Really Need Him?

It’s Shark Week.  But you knew that.  What you might not know is how dire the level of stupid is that permeates our planet.

Which makes me ask: WHERE IS JAWS WHEN YOU REALLY NEED HIM?!?!

Why not show up in the Red Sox clubhouse?  Talk about sharks in the water, my goodness.  Isn’t it funny how a couple of World Series titles make us forget just how endearing the Red Sox used to be?  Nowadays, The Nation seems more like an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Incessant and annoying bickering from privileged entitled millionaires ad nauseum.  Before the season started, I was so excited Bobby Valentine was back in the manager’s seat because I knew he would bring drama to the league.  This is NOT the drama I was looking for.

Nor was I looking for the Vice President of US America to be just as stupid as I’ve always thought he might be.  Well, turns out he is.  Joe Biden’s mouth seems to be about as large as Jaws’, yes, it’s just too bad he uses his for talking instead of devouring prey.

And while I realize Jaws tends to reside in the warm coastal waters off the North Atlantic, would it be too much to ask for him to swim down, out and around on up to the San Francisco Bay?  There’s one fraudulent outfielder there who could use a good ass-chewin’.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m angry, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 31: Albert’s Infinite Zeros and Other Stuff

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Albert. Frakking. Pujols. Could this episode really be about anything else? Give it a listen, close your eyes and imagine Jeff really is strangling Johanna. No. Seriously. Do that. Please?

TRY IT!!!

Also, remember to send us a picture (to rsbsblog@gmail.com) showing why you’re RSBS‘ biggest fan so YOU can win some sweet Oakley Bender sunglasses from our good friends at Crown Royal. Pass the crown, yo!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, December 10, 2011

Valentine Masked by the Mayor

Stop it.  Stop looking at me like that.  If you want a Bobby Valentine/Red Sox dramaschlobfest post then go check out the worldwide leader in sports smut.

This is Red State Blue State.

And today we’re talking about THE MAYOR.

That’s right.  While Larry Lucchino was busy going behind Red Sox GM Ben Cherington’s back to hire a sexy manager (note: it only took them TWO FRIGGIN MONTHS TO DO THE DAMN THANG), the Cincinnati Reds announced that Sean Casey — The Mayor — would be enshrined in the Reds Hall of Fame.

Hot diggity dang!

Nevermind that Casey got in the Reds Hall of Fame by way of a fan vote.  Dude hit .305 lifetime for Cincinnati, not to mention the millions of smiles he instigated, just for being a big goofy loon armed with a sweet, sweeping lefty swing.  The Mayor is one of baseball’s good guys — the kind you wish you could trade for the likes of Milton Bradley, Kevin Brown and John Rocker — and it’s about time the good guy got some love, even if it is in Cincinnati, where sports have gone to die (just kidding, Andy Dalton).

If you watch the MLB Network, you know The Mayor’s comedic timing and all-around fun fella persona aren’t just the stuff of clubhouse lore.  He really is an unfettered goofball.  And his laugh is contagious, especially after 6 beers.

And if this Mayor induction leaves you feeling nothing else, at the very least you should feel good that the guy who brought you the only 5-7-3 ground-out in baseball history (vid here, tentatively, until the MLBAM nazis take it down) will be memorialized along with this guy:

Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a Justin Verlander fastball, this is going to be quick, hard to see and will probably guilt you into crowning me with the MVP award:

The Drah-mah in Bahhhh-ston

Leave it to the Red Sox to be all dramatified in the offseason.  As if their 2010 free agent signing flop and subsequent September fail-to-the-finish that included video games, fried chicken and an “Adios, Tito!” (let’s leave the beer out of this, shall we?) wasn’t enough drama for one year, they had to go and add to the pile by involving Bobby Valentine in their managerial search.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Bobby V and I really hope he gets the job ‘cuz he’s a bad@ss whose mere presence makes the league better (and more entertaining); but he also comes packin’ drama.  And the fact that the owners interviewed him before allowing new GM Ben Cherington to have his say suggests that the drama between ownership and the front office will continue to rival that of its on-the-field representation.

Pepper Spray: “It’s a Food Product, Essentially”

Fox News host Megyn Kelly should consider a move to the Food Network.  I think spraying Emeril Lagasse with a jumbo-sized canister of pepper spray would add some much needed tension to their programming.  And besides, pepper spray is “a food product, essentially”.

Bringing Back the Blue Jays

At a time when a Lil Wayne-impersonating white dude from Pittsburgh is tops on the music charts — in effect CRUSHING my hope for a revival of real, genuine rap music — I would like to personally thank the Toronto Blue Jays for coming back to earth, for finally being real.  When you have a classic look, there’s never a reason to change it.  The Yankees have managed this.  So have the Cardinals.  Sure they update to keep up with trends, but the core design never changes.  The Blue Jays had one of the classiest, cleanest, most memorable unis in all of baseball.

And then they changed it all for… black and gray?

It’s good to see them making good decisions again.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Ya Can’t Fix Stupid

As the enemy begins yet another chapter in its century-long battle against awful, I can’t help but reflect on the one-and-done tenure of Mr. Mike Quade.  I will not question the hearty baseball acumen of the man; he’s been around this long, so he must know something.  But a leader of men he is not.

For me, his ascendancy of idiocy became relevant when his unruly, wild and uncontainable club donned t-shirts at Wrigley during batting practice that said “F**k the Goat” in big red letters across the back.  When later asked about the “goat”, Quade said he had never even heard of the curse of the billy goat, that to him, it was just a restaurant.

I was never able to determine whether his supreme stupidity was a) that he really hadn’t heard of it or b) that he had, and he was just stupid enough to think we would actually believe him.

Either way, STUPID.

I’m not saying leaders of men need to know everything there is to know about anything and everything, but they certainly do need to surround themselves with people who are informed on myriad subjects, and they must also have enough tact to know when they’re stepping into a great big pile of nast.

So if the sexual harassment charges against Herman Cain and his playfully flippant response to them haven’t deterred you from considering him as a presidential candidate, hopefully this video will:


This cannot happen, people.  This man cannot be seriously considered for the presidency.  The Republicans are in deep shizz.  And they know it.  It’s just too bad that the answer to their problems is right there, continuously ignored, continuously shut out.

It makes me very, very sad.

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 29: Remembering Ugueth’s Urbina and Other Stuff

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff tries his darnedest to be as polite as possible during his unfettered gloating of World Championship status (Go Cards!) while Second City’s Mark Piebenga adds some level-headed awesomeness to Johanna’s outlandishness and Allen’s seasoned straight man routine.  Among the topics of discussion are “the greatest game ever”, the woes of rebranding an already twice championed franchise (talkin’ to you, Marlins), Theo Fever in the Chi, b!tch t!ts and much, much more!

Now grab some Crown Royal and enjoy yo’ self!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter and make sure to check out his crew and their gut busting Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 12, 2011

A Stake Through the Heart?

By now, my century long-depressed baseball brethren on the north side of Chicago are aware that, despite Prince Charming occupying the king’s seat at Addison and Clark, Cubbie Land might still get turned on its head.

Oh yes.

Ryne Sandberg.

If Ryne Sandberg becomes the new manager of the St. Louis Cardinals — THE WORLD CHAMPION ST. LOUIS CARDINALS — then I think I might just pee on myself.

Oh, the joy… to think, that one of the greatest Cubs in the history of the world — THE SAME CUB WHO WAS SNUBBED OVER FOR MIKE “LAME DUCK” QUADE — could sit at the St. Louis helm with those beautiful, beautiful birds on the bat, blazing across his Hall of Fame chest.

Oh sure, Francona would be great.  Oquendo too.  Hell, even Pettini is good in my book.

But Ryno… oh Ryno… *SALIVATES*

A friend of mine ran into Ryno, his wife and some friends of theirs in Times Square this summer.  He said he was so in awe of the Hall of Fame second baseman that he sort of lost track of his thoughts and the forced conversation sorta became… awkward.

I imagine it was the same sort of awkward that would come from him championing the Cardinals to a World Series title in 2012…

Hate me!  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeff

Tears of Joy, Tears of Sorrow

The afterglow of knowing your team is champion of the baseball world is a pretty damn cool thing.  I have been walking around the last few days in a sort of “Happy Flight” daze.  I’ve been smiling more.  I feel fantastic.  But yesterday morning, reality hit me: there won’t be any more baseball for a looooooooong time.

And then the text messages started coming.

Did you hear?

OMG Tony is hangin’ em up.

Are you okay? I just heard about TLR.

When Tony LaRussa took over the St. Louis Cardinals in 1996, I was just an awkward, acne-plagued high schooler who nerded out on keeping score at baseball games.  Now, 16 years later, I’m an awkward, 32 year-old professional who nerds out on keeping score at baseball games.

Not much has changed, yet much has changed.

In the early 90s, the Cardinals weren’t very good.  But from the minute the announcement was made that he would be the new St. Louis skipper, I immediately had a new found sense of… hope.  It was innate.  It was from within.  I don’t know why, but I just knew: our team was going to be good.

And we were!  From 1996 to the present, there hasn’t been one year where I didn’t think the Cardinals had a legitimate shot at the postseason.  Sure, some years were better than others, but with Tony at the helm, I have always had a sort of calm about the team.

That’s not to say he hasn’t made me scratch my head.  But I soon learned to stop questioning his umteenth pitching change.  His post-game explanation always made sense.  Our pitcher is hitting in the eight hole?  Of course he is.  Bringing in the closer in the 5th inning?  Exactly what I would do.  In fact, I learned very early on that if I was going to keep score during a TLR managed game, then I was going to have to a) write small b) write small and c) WRITE SMALL.

Still, I am going to miss Tony LaRussa.  A lot.  Just thinking about someone else being in the dugout with his job gives me the creeps.   My happy place is Tony giving the sign to Yadi.  Yadi fires down to first.  Albert makes the tag on the runner.  And right now, in light of TLR’s announcement and the ongoing question of whether or not Albert will be back in St. Louis next year, my happy place suddenly finds itself under baseball siege.

But, like everything else in life, I will just have to deal with that shizz when it comes.  In the meantime, I sure hope Tony doesn’t consider becoming an actor.  I have been suffering through the Ray Vinson commercials long enough.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m gettin’ misty eyed, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Semi-Closeted Tony Plush Lover, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“Blind faith is the crutch of fools.”

We may not be in the Prince/Pujols derby, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

My water just broke. Theo is here. I’m feeling woozy.

I’ve been harvesting my organs to get the perfect GM. I’ve been licking my cat’s fanny to find the best. I’ve been on a Rambo-style manhunt to make sure the Cubs can be good for an extended amount of time.

I’VE EVEN TRIED HUMAN MEAT!!! (That part is almost true.)

Theo is the smartest thing that has ever happened to the Cubs.

At the press conference yesterday, he said “I promised I wouldn’t bring up the Red Sox,” but it’s ok, Theo. You said the right things at the right moments. You talked about “being on base and defense.” CRAZY! I am over the moon, trying to slow my roll, but you, Theo, are everything I’ve ever wanted: smart, savvy and new!

In my lifetime, being awful has been the Cub paradigm. Things have to change now. We might need a Castro coach to show him… defense. The way Wrigley plays may require some of Theo’s number crunching. But we have more hope now than we’ve had the last 15 years combined. (See Baker, Piniella, et al)

But best of all, as I write this, Theo Epstein is hatching a plan to dismantle every last bit of crap left in the C’s organization.

I’m in. I’m all in. AND… his sister, Anya, wrote for Homicide: Life on the Streets!! My favorite show of ever!!!

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Team Edward Rep, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

I’m a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins

Things are changing for me. Before I know it I’ll be wearing jeans and reading fiction. I don’t know where I am. My favorite color is rainbow. I’m giving in to wearing sandals over socks. I don’t need the therapy! I’m just mentally ill!

Tony Effing LaRussa is back in my world and I CAN’T STAND IT. He’s a throbbing, raging, @$$bag that I wish would go away but he won’t. And you can’t kill him. If you try, he just keeps coming back. And, with all my might, my baseball sensibilities consume me so much that I can’t not respect the man.

When I was a child I would squint and mistake him for Thundercats supervillain Mumm-Ra (Magician or sexual deviant?).  I wanted to lightsaber him over and over BECAUSE I AM A JEDI!  His steroid riddled teams have infuriated me to no end. I loved the Dodgers and Orel in the 80s, the Giants and their earthquake, my Cubs of the last decade. I’ve always respected the man and his managing abilities; but he really has outdone himself this year. WOW.

When the Cardinals beat the Tigers in their last World Series appearance with no pitching, that was quite a thing. What’s happening now is nothing short of spectacular managing. My Jeffy’s Cards are the hottest team in baseball and I will once again be rooting against Texas. Watching this series will be like being touched by a priest…

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

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