Results tagged ‘ Manny Ramirez ’

Putting the “Legitimate” in Legitimately Dumb

What would MLB do if it turned out that Melky Cabrera was “legitimately” using PEDs?  For the same matter, what if Barry Bonds came out and told us that he had been using the “cream” and the “clear” but it was legitimate so we didn’t need to worry about it?  I’m pretty sure that the fans and MLB would call bullsh*t on both of them.

By now I’m pretty sure you know where I’m going with this since you couldn’t swing a cat this week without hitting some news about Clay Aiken‘s long-lost father, Todd.  (Ok, fine, they spell their names differently but how funny would that be?)  And with both sides of the debate more than willing to weigh in, once again the Presidential race turned away from the economy and back towards the Republican’s seeming fetish for pushing away women voters.

Getting back to the original question I posed, of course you’d laugh at Cabrera or Bonds’ statements (speaking of which, what is it with the Bay Area??).  Whether it was “legitimate” or not, violating the League’s substance abuse policy means you have to face the consequences.  Sure, some guys, like Bonds, Sosa and McGwire, benfited from Bud’s willingness to look the other way as long as the money kept rolling in.  But the way things stand now, a violation is going to get you fifty games, just like Manny and Melky.  Except for when it doesn’t.  Yes, I’m looking at you Ryan Braun and your technicality.

Whether or not you get away with it, there is no such thing as “legitimate” or “illegitimate” PED use just like there’s no such thing as “legitimate” or “illegitimate” rape.  And it’s important to keep in mind here that although PED’s may tarnish someone’s legacy or hurt a team in the playoff hunt, rape destroys a person’s life, no matter what Mike Huckabee or Todd Akin say.  It has nothing to do with “legitimate” or “illegitimate.”  It’s plainly and simply unacceptable.

-A

A Pastime Passed Over

Baseball as a sport spends a lot of its time playing catch up.  It used to be the national pastime but arguably it has lost that title to either the NBA, the NFL or NASCAR.  It hasn’t captured the world’s attention in the same way that soccer has and even cricket has more global adherents (although that is admittedly due to its huge popularity in India and Pakistan).

I think a lot of it has to do with the habits of baseball players.  It’s easy to relate to NASCAR because they’re the children of former booze-running outlaws.  Add in it’s rowdy, beer-swilling redneck fanbase and you have a populist’s wet dream.

The NBA has a different kind of allure.  It’s a mix of the hard-scrabble blacktop game along with the finesse and graceful elegance of of today’s elite players.  Is there any other league that has more marijuana violations than the NBA?  I’m guessing no and that reflects an America that has also grown more lenient towards the “devil weed.”

Baseball?  You’ve got PED’s and frat boys drinking overpriced beer.  That’s the America we laugh at, not the America we want to be part of.  We like our sports to have a bit of an edge.  The reason people hate Mark Sanchez isn’t because he’s a sub-par quarterback with a questionable work ethic.  We’d put up with that if he inspired us.  But he spends more time posing for magazines than he does winning football games.  Yes, I know he’s led his team to the AFC Championship game twice but I think we can all agree that it wasn’t so much that he led them as it was him following them there.

Baseball right now is kind of like Mark Sanchez.  It doesn’t have the edge.  It doesn’t make you believe.  That’s why it’s fun to hate the Yankees but its so much more fun to hate the Heat.  My solution?  Bring back Manny and give him lots of weed.

-A

Forget Me, Forget Me Not

It is my hope that, a year from now, the likes of Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Arte Moreno’s checkbook exist merely as fuzzy postulations of the delusional masses — mere hiccups in the digestive tract of progress.  Of course, I realize one of these three is never going to go away, so I have to do what I can to temper the sadness it has caused.

But sometimes things go away, never come back and leave us wondering… what if?

Slap bracelets?  Hello?!?!  Where have you gone, fine fashion accessory from my youth?

Meanwhile, let’s examine those forgotten baseballers of 2011 and determine if they should forget me, or forget me not.

Milton Bradley
FORGET ME.
Dude, seriously.  115 plate appearances in 2011 was 115 plate appearances too many.  Known exclusively as an overpaid hot-head wife-beater who had ONE good season, there’s no reason for Milton to get another chance.  If his outrageous childlike behavior and .212 BA over the last two seasons aren’t any indication that it’s time to forget this loser, maybe the fact that NO ONE LIKES HIM is.

David Eckstein
FORGET ME NOT.
It’s difficult for me to believe that no one had any use for this scrappy go-get-em baseballer in 2011.  How did the Padres — a 91 loss team! — not have any role for Eckstein last year?  The dude does just about everything and he does it all right.  He’s a leader, a teacher, a fighter.  In my opinion, many teams could have used his services last season and I don’t see how that situation would change in 2012.  Any team’s super utility role should be considered for the former World Series MVP.

Manny Ramirez
FORGET ME.
Like Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Vanilla Ice, Manny being Manny has long lost its charm.  The man is a cheater.  A wife beater (notice the theme here?).  A creep.  He was caught (AGAIN) ‘roiding up and instead of acting like a man, ‘fessing up and handling his business with dignity, he ran away and hid from his fans, not saying a word.  Now he wants back in.  Not only that, but somehow he has snaked his way out of serving the 100 game ban deemed necessary for repeat ‘roid offenders and lucked out with only facing a 50 game suspension.  Manny reeks of insidious ego.  STAY AWAY PLEASE.

Johan Santana
FORGET ME NOT.
Never thought I’d say this, but I feel sorry for the Mets.  I really do.  Just a game away from the World Series in 2006, who knew they would fail so hard in 2007, sign the biggest free agent pitcher on the market to a $137 million contract, fail even harder in 2008, then fall into baseball hell with more problems than the Congressional Reform Act?  There was a time when Santana on the bump meant I had to watch that game.  With all of his recent injuries, I doubt that will ever be possible again, but I still want to see the man pitch.  And soon.

And finally…

Brandon Webb
FORGET ME.
I’m still trying to figure out how Webb was able to land a $3 million contract last season after not having pitched AT ALL since 2008*.  Indeed, he had a good run from ’06 t0 ’08, getting guys out with one of the nastiest sinkers I’ve ever seen,   but when your rotator cuff no longer rotates, I think it’s time to stop chasing the glory that once was.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m blunt, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*Actually, Webb pitched 4 innings in 2009.  He gave up 6 runs off 6 hits before his arm fell off and he disappeared from baseball relevancy; but in my opinion, that hardly counts as “pitching”.

Also, FORGET RSBS NOT and our awesome Oakley Blender sunglasses give-away, made possible by our friends at Crown Royal!  If you would like to win these sweet shades, all you gotta do is send us a picture showing why you are RSBS’ biggest fan.  Email it to us at RSBSblog@gmail.com.  The winner will be announced this Saturday, December 24th.

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 30: Pat Matheny’s Anesthesioxity and Other Stuff (LIKE HIGHLIGHTS!)

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

The RSBS crew celebrates its 30th episode by taking a stroll down podcast memory lane, remembering things that busted our (and hopefully your) guts.  AIDS salad and Ron Santo’s memory get rehashed while new memories (like gay ponies v. horsicorns, an iguana named Dudley and how you can cure your foot problems) are created!  Jump on board the RSBS crazy train!  No stops til you question how you spend your free time!

Don’t forget to getcho Crown Royal and enjoy some happy time!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Non-Rhotic Entertainment Experiment

I’m not much of television watcher.  Outside of sporting events and the occasional Survivor Man episode, I just can’t get into something week after week.

I blame The Wire.  After blowing through all five seasons in just a few short weeks a couple years ago, everything else just seemed like Jersey Shore: a bunch of self-obsessed lame-ohs screaming and yelling while adding nothing positive to the universe.

And then there was this…


Hate me ‘cuz I helped put some nasty images in your head, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Saturday!

Jeff

All That Glitters Ain’t Always Gold

Outside those of the Yankees and Cardinals, I have to say the Los Angeles Dodgers uniform is one of the smartest, snazziest and most iconic uniforms in all of baseball history.  Admiring that crisply clean white jersey hosting an artfully playful blue cursive script and resplendent red digits, it’s hard not to fall in love with its glamor.  Throw in the Hollywood factor and it just becomes that much more impressive.

But if we’ve learned anything about the Dodgers in the last year, it’s that looks can be deceiving.  The team is in dire financial straits, they’re not playing very well, and to make things worse: they owe Hall of Fame fraud Manny Ramirez over $8 million.

Um… awkward?

Meanwhile… tall, lean and handsomely square-jawed GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney looks… great.  I mean, dude is Ronnie Reagan 2.0 with more money and better ideas.  In fact, if Republicans didn’t know any better, they might think Mitt leans a bit to the left.  His liberal domestic policies and urgency to end U.S. participation in the Afghan war against the Taliban are perfect examples.

However, like the L.A. Dodgers, when we actually pull back the curtain on the swaggering Republican politico, we find something a bit… um… awkward:

Hate me, hate me, hate me all day… just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 23: Buster’s Broken Body… and Other Stuff

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna join forces in what is secretly designed as an intervention for Allen and his anachronistic memory.  The three of them then launch into some raunchy debates over this young MLB season, including but not limited to double headers, home plate collisions, “offensive” t-shirts and much, much more… all to make you smile for berry berry long time!

Holla!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you take some time to check out Keith and his crew’s laugh-riot podcast. Follow him on Twitter to get the latest updates.  They’re doing some fantastic work!  You can find out more at Undercard Films.

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Recorded Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Filibuster

Lot of surprises so far this season.  Should anyone be panicking yet?

Marc
Schaumburg, IL

____________________________________

rolaids.jpgAfter the Rays and Red Sox picked up their first wins of the season on Friday night, I’m sure that both managers heaved a big sigh of relief.  Of course when the Rays followed that up with news that Manny was retiring, I’m sure Joe Maddon dug right back into that Costco sized tub of Rolaids he must have been hitting the past ten days.  So, I’m guessing that the Rays might be starting to panic.

But if there’s one guy who should truly be panicking at this point, it’s not Joe Maddon or anyone else on the Rays.  It’s not Manny, it’s not Big Papi and it’s not any once, present or future Red Sox.  No, if there’s one guy who should be panicking, it’s Laurent Gbagbo.

For those of you who aren’t quite sure who Mr. Gbagbo happens to be, let me give you a quick background.  Mr. Gbagbo is a former Ivoirien freedom fighter who then went and got himself elected president of the Ivory Coast.  However, he found Jesus while in office and after losing last year’s election, decided that Jesus wanted him to be the winner anyway.  Since then he’s been trying to help Jesus out by killing people who voted against him.  That hasn’t worked out too well, though, and now Mr. Gbagbo finds himself holed up in a bunker underneath his former residence while troops loyal to the president-elect slowly draw closer.

Understandably, Mr. Gbagbo should be panicking.  Funny enough, though, he doesn’t seem to be sweating it at all.

Most likely there are a few reasons for that.  Number one is that Ivory Coast is a basket case and rules don’t really seem to apply.  Number two is that Mr. Gbagbo apparently has four months of supplies in his bunker and the troops protecting him have weaponry superior to that of the troops closing in.  Number three is US Senator Jim Inhofe.

Uh, wait a minute.  Jim Inhofe?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Why would he care about what happens in the Ivory Coast?  Well, if you ask Mr. Inhofe, he’ll tell you it’s about Jesus.

See, the president-elect, Mr. Ouattara, comes from the northern part of the country, an area that is nominally Muslim, as is Mr. Ouattara.  Mr. Gbagbo is from the southern, mainly Christian, part of the country and loves him some Jesus.  Apparently where Mr. Inhofe comes from, this means that the election results shouldn’t matter and the US should recognize only the candidate who loves Jesus more.

Actually Marc, I think I’m going to change my answer at this point.  Sure, maybe the Rays and Red Sox should be panicking a little.  And maybe Gbagbo should as well.  But the people who should really be panicking are all of us Americans.  With leaders like Mr. Inhofe supporting despots like Mr. Gbagbo, we’re all screwed.

-A

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**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a
free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout just finding out if Mr. Lung really has learned how to make his tootsie roll. 
Send us your Filibuster questions
by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below
.

Three Up, Three Down

pedro martinez bucket head.jpegJust like a Pedro Martinez pitched inning circa 1999, this is gonna be quick, probably painful and will most likely include more soul-glo than the FDA deems acceptable:

rahm emanuel this big.jpgRAHM!

A few weeks ago, I ran into Rahm Emanuel at the Roosevelt Red Line stop.  I shook his hand, wished him luck in the Chicago mayoral election, then basked in the warm glory that is his presence.  Yeah, kinda makes me sick too.  But I can’t lie.  He had a an insidiously welcoming glow about him.  And as I stood there, standing next to (and above, as the man is quite short) him, I couldn’t help but debate myself, asking Well, Jeff, are we on Rahm’s team or no

Then, yesterday, I read *this* and realized the Carol Moseley Underlings and Gery Chico Brigade might have already made the decision for me.

Of course, Rahm is Rahm and Rahms don’t go down without a fight.

So let’s sit back and watch as time and LOTS OF MONEY are wasted on the proceedings. 

The American Way.

Se la vie.

Tampa Bay Rays.jpgRAYS!

Call it desperation or call it genius (I’m goin’ with genius, by the way), but the Tamp Bay Rays certainly found a flashy way to fill some holes in their lineup by adding Idiot One and Idiot Two to their roster.  On the cheap!  Hey, if they could just convince Curt Schilling (and that unstoppable mouth) to suit back up, maybe the Rays will have a real chance at stickin’ it to the Yank Sox again this year!  If nothing else they have succeeded in ultimately defying logic: Manny Ramirez will get $2 million while *GASP* Kyle Farnsworth will make $2.7 million!  WTF?!?!?!?

jay cutler.jpgJAY!

Say what you want about the Chicago Bears and their NFC Championship performance, but as a Chicagoan, I call out to all fellow Chicagoans to lay off Jay Cutler.  For realz. 

In fact, I’m just gonna shut up about it and defer to RSBS regular, Johanna Mahmud with the quote:

nfl
is becoming human cockfighting. #6 is ****ing tough. he got dry humped
up and down the field all season long behind that AWFUL offensive line
and still came to play everyday. GUHHHH…..
you can never quiet the stupid.

So.

So.

True.

Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

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