Results tagged ‘ Manny Ramirez ’

Baseball Meets Art: “Jesus and His Sister Wives While Manny’s Being Manny”

jesus and his sister wives with manny.JPG
There are days when you wonder what Jesus might be tempted to do with these so-called sister wives… then there are days when you wonder what Jesus might be tempted to do to Manny.

While being Manny.

Hate me; I don’t care.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

From Venezuela to Vuvuzela

vuvuzela.jpgI proudly retell the story of the time my brothers hassled Manny Ramirez so much at Comerica Park that he finally looked up into the stands and practically begged them to stop.  Maybe it runs in the family because even when we were little and sitting way up in the upper deck of old Tiger Stadium, that didn’t stop us from keeping up a steady chant of “Hey batta’ batta’ batta’, swing.”  Baseball lets you get close enough to the players that you can actually get inside their heads if they let you.

And this is probably the one area where soccer fails by comparison to baseball.  Sure, the fans are up there in the stands cheering on their team.  And sometimes they’ll try to get involved by starting racist chants (if you’re in Italy) or throwing objects at the opposing players.  They even try to help with the rhythm by singing songs and banging drums.

However, at this point it seems that soccer fans are best known for blowing those goddamn vuvuzelas all game long.  Seriously, I’m pretty sure the buzzing is still bouncing around my head from the games I watched this past weekend.  This leads me to wonder what the long term effects will be on the players who had to listen to them for the entirety of at least three matches.  Will they suffer permanent disabilities?

Well, if animal testing is any proof, the answer is yes:

If the vuvuzela can drive a dog to that, what will it do to the internal wiring of a human?  But more importantly, if a plastic toy can have that effect, what happened to Manny after my brothers’ heckling?  I’m sure the guy is housebroken but so was that dog.

-A

Things That Are Worse Than France

france shame.jpgSay what ya want about the mighty market divas of the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Dodgers.  Go ahead and hate on A-Rod, slam Manny, spit on Youk… whatevs.  Sometimes they deserve it; sometimes they don’t.  It’s all a part of professional sports.

But no matter how infantile and annoying MLB superstars can be (yes, I’m looking at you, Milton Bradley), none of them quite qualify as being as toxically asinine as Nicolas Anelka and his band of busted b!tches that once formed the French national soccer team.

You think Roberto Alomar spitting on John Hirschbeck was bad?  Imagine Roberto Alomar spitting on John Hirschbeck during the World Series, with a big nasty particle-filled loogey, and all his teammates joining in.

Yeah.  That’s sorta what France’s World Cup was like.  But at least it’s over.  And now we can think about… things that are worse than France.  For instance:

The Pirates
Duh. You knew that was comin’.

Rob Blagojevich’s Image
For all of you who live outside of Illinois, be glad you do; ‘cuz this Blago crap is just now gettin’ started for real.  The lego hair, the smarmy and disingenuous smile, the creepy way he talks to every woman as if she were a dumb, money-chasin, cheap-trick-happy cocktail waitress… this dude is going to the joint.  Eventually.

Vuvuzelas
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsubliminalmessagegivemeyourmoneyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Royals

You knew that was comin’ too.

Justin Bieber
It makes me sick that he was in my neighborhood.  It makes me even more sick to know that he was at Sox Park.  And it makes me Bush-Sr-Throwin-Up-On-Japanese-People sick to know he tossed the first pitch to Mark Buehrle!

And finally…

sad astros.JPGThe Astros
You didn’t think this could end with anything worse, did you?  I’m pretty sure I heard the Astros’ team on-base-percentage was the worse on-base-percentage in the history of time, including all dimensions — even those we are unaware of yet…

That’s why they’re called the LOLstros.

HAHAHAHA!

Hate me.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

RSBS Presents: A Baseball Fan’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

zombie_bat.jpgToo often we ignore tough questions and refuse to speculate on the “what ifs” we confront as a baseball loving community.  You could make a strong case that this happened with the steroid scandal and it is inevitable that baseball will face other equally difficult problems in the future.  Luckily, RSBS refuses to sit back and rest on our laurels.  We will continue to push for consideration of all the too real issues facing the baseball community.

For instance, isn’t it time that we think about what would happen to baseball if the zombie apocalypse broke out?  On a geo-political level, Daniel Drezner already addressed the topic and presented several different paradigms.  Today, RSBS takes a look at possible MLB specific scenarios.

The Danny Boyle
As players continue to experiment with various PED’s and try to avoid detection by using previously unknown substances, we face a very real possibility of infection à la 28 Days Later.  It doesn’t help our chances that baseball players are already genetic freaks with practically superhuman strength, speed and dexterity.  In this scenario we have two avenues of salvation.  First, we can hope that security reacts quickly and shuts down the stadium so the zombie baseball players don’t escape.  Yes, this probably means several thousand dead fans before the problem can be, uh, eradicated but it’s a small price to pay to avoid the annihilation of all mankind.  The second possibility is that zombification will affect the players’ brains to the point that they can be taken down easily with available weaponry like bats, t-shirt cannons and plastic knives.

The George Romero
The second scenario is a more classic zombie approach.  If an infected fan were to enter the ballpark, the tight spaces, confined exits and various nooks and crannies present a zombie wonderland.  Or house of horrors depending on whether you’re playing for the undead or Team Humanity.  In this we’re once again lucky to have access to a veritable arsenal of zombie killing treasures and, as long as they remain uninfected, the services of trained head smashing machines like Jose Offerman.  Let’s just hope it doesn’t start at Citizen’s Bank Park because Chase Utley’s batting average suggests he’ll be hitting more air than zombie heads.

The Eisenberg-Pegg
Our final scenario draws on contemporary inspiration like Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead.  Zombies are generally seen as terror-inducing eaters of brains.  But recent popular culture reinterpretations have shown us that it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.  For instance, what if a zombie A-Rod stumbled across the mound while Dallas Braden was pitching?  Or what if Manny Ramirez became a reanimated corpse?  It might even lead to the new catchphrase, “That’s just Manny being a zombie.”  Which would be funny because it was true.  Sure, we’d have to keep an eye on the epidemic and make sure it didn’t spread.  This might even lead to protests against the segregation of zombie baseball players in separate dressing rooms.  But I think we can all agree that the comedic potential is definitely there.

Over here at RSBS we’re still hoping that the zombie apocalypse stays firmly rooted in the world of film and fiction.  In our opinion, Woody Harrelson and Mr. Darcy are much more suited to zombie fighting than we are.  But if the day of reckoning does come, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you were prepared.  No, don’t thank us.  It’s our job.

-A

Larry’s Bad Day

larry king.jpgFor the last man in the universe who still religiously employs the use of both suspenders and shoulder pads, the April 21st edition of the New York Post couldn’t have been too flattering.

Or could it?

Okay, so according to the Post, Larry’s wife (we’ll call her Shawn)* allegedly had an affair with his sons’ little league coach (we’ll call him Hector) but allegedly King — who, by the way, is a rabid Los Angeles Dodgers fan — didn’t really care ‘cuz he was bonin’ Shawn’s sister (we’ll call her Manny)** on the side.

Great.

Got it.

Sexy.

And I must admit, I first heard of this story via that awful fear aggregator also known as The Drudge Report with the headline: “Little League Coach Claims Affair with Larry King’s Wife”.

At first I was really angry with Drudge (which is quite common) because I found that headline to be recklessly damaging to the institution of little league baseball — an institution that made me the sound, boisterous, STUBBORNLY CORRECT individual I am today.  I thought, “Oh, okay, now Drudge is attacking little league. Let me at him!”

Until I read the story… and realized that it was little league baseball that brought them together.  It brought them all together in one place, to interact, to make whoopie.

And it was at that exact moment that I realized the bar, the club, the beach might not be the ideal place to meet Ms. Right.

So if you need me, I’ll be at a little league ballpark near you hollerin’ at the single moms and estranged wives of the rich and famous.

Don’t worry, Mrs. Kucinich, I got ya on my radar.  Muah!

Hate me ‘cuz it’s allowed, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*That’s her real name.

**I meant to write “Shannon” but was too lazy to change it.

Predator(s)

predator alien.jpgI didn’t think it was possible to make a better Predator film than the first, but then I saw the trailer for the latest incarnation and I got that same tingly feeling I get from watching that Smoltz-Morris World Series match-up from 1991 — a game that has a strong argument to be labeled the greatest post-season baseball game ever played.

Like Chris Hansen is the greatest on-air predator-catching person in the history of investigative television…

And Manny Ramirez is the most prolific ballplayer with Predator roots (he’s only 2/3 human) as I pointed out nearly a year ago today…

Sure.  I’ve got Predators on the mind.  But I know I’m not alone. 

And though this post doesn’t have much to do with politics (we’re getting health care I heard) nor baseball save the Manny reference, it is important that I prove to you that I am not alone, by showing you an even better version of “American Gothic” than the original “American Gothic”:

american predator gothic.jpgSee.  Now, aren’t ya glad you read this today?

Exactly.

So don’t hate me, ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Image courtesy of B3TA)

What’s in a Name?

akbar_zeb.jpgWe often make fun of peoples’ names.  And there’s a good reason why we do that.  It’s funny.  Growing up in Southwest Michigan, all of us knew a Dick Shrivels in Coldwater (Coldwater being a town over near Battle Creek, of course, not the punchline in an infantile joke).

Sometimes the simple act of repeating a person’s name over and over can have the same effect.  My brothers once heckled Manny Ramirez for an entire game, chanting his name rhythmically everytime he took the field.  It got to the point that he actually looked up into the stands and asked them to stop.  Even Manny didn’t like hearing his name at a certain point.

But what happens when your name gets in the way of your ability to do your job?  Unfortunately, this is exactly the problem faced by Akbar Zeb, an elder statesman in the Pakistani diplomat corps.  Mr. Zeb has been a distinguished member of the foreign service for decades now but has been rejected from serving several places in the Middle East.  The issue?  Well, here’s how one headline explained it:

Saudis Reject Pakistani Diplomat Whose Name Translates to ‘Biggest Dick’“.

Yeah, I guess that might do it.  And when you’re job is to work “with some of the largest members of world governments (sic),” you can see how a name might get in the way.  Poor Akbar.  Hopefully one of these days he can find a place where he’ll just, uh, fit in

-A

Things Scott Boras Says from Behind the Plate

scott boras behind home plate.jpgYep.  We’re sick of seeing his smug mug behind the plate on every pitch too.  So in an effort to oust his recurring playoff cameo, we sent our RSBS interns into Angel Stadium with a mega-fortified parabolic microphone to pick up all the juicy sound bytes Mr. Boras let slip during the game.

Here’s what we heard:

“Jesus, look at A-Rod.  How’d I let that guy fire me again?  That oughtta be my ****ing walking wallet!  Mine!  My lord, those labrums!  Look at those labrums!  Best labrums in all of sports!”

- – -

“Forget Teixera… Matt Holliday is worth Babe Ruth like money.  How much money did Babe Ruth make again?  What?!?  $80,000 a year was his best?  F*** that, Matt Holliday is so worth Mark Teixera like money.”

- – -

“Why aren’t there gold flakes on this f***ing hot dog?  Huh?  Who the hell brought me this hot dog without gold f***ing flakes!?!”

- – -

“Jesus Christ, I can’t understand a thing Manny says.  How do you say ‘take a goddamn shower for crying out loud’ in Spanish!?  Anyone?  Anyone?”

- – -

“Holy s***, Alex Rodriguez… maybe I can get teams to think Ivan Rodriguez is actually Alex Rodriguez.  Quick trip to the Dominican Republic, grab some stuff from A-Rod’s cousin… shoot up Pudge and BAM!  He’s lookin’ like Alex did in that hot Details shoot.  Did I just say that?  F*** you.  Don’t look at me.  Watch the game.

- – -

“Ha ha.  I just remembered that Adrian Beltre deal.”

- – -

“Why does everyone hate me?  Because I’m rich?  Because I’m powerful?  Because I look like a young Rush Limbaugh?  Ha!  My bowel movements are worth more than these worthless fans’ entire lives put together and run through a gilding press that I bought with my money.  Where the hell is my goddamned organic vodka gimlet!?!  Jesus!”

- – -

“Someone remind me to tell Kyle Lohse he has really f***ing made me look bad.”

- – -

“$tra$burg… $tra$burg… $tra$burg…”

- – -

“Jesus, if I were gay, I’d totally do Alex… ha ha, but, y’know, I’d of course make a big deal of it to the press first before opting out at the last second… then, when things calmed down a bit… I’d fire that b****.”

- – -

Now you know, folks.  You aren’t surprised, are you? 

Hate me ‘cuz I bring it, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Great Yo’ Mama War

big momma.jpgOh no.  There he goes again.  Indeed, dear readers, my errant and oft annoying colleague, Mr. Krause, is in desperate need of some verbal “fire” — the vitriolic, infernal, flesh-eating kind most notably invoked by the devil and his evil minions.

He did the unthinkable. 

He threw down the gauntlet.

He insulted Albert Pujols’ mama.

Where does Mr. Krause find all this idle time to waste on shameless maternal attacks?  As a Cardinal fan sitting on top of a 10 game lead in the NL Central, I can certainly see where I would have the time from now until October.  But Mr. Krause would make better use of his by pondering the pain he will feel once his streaky Tigers get eliminated early on in the ALDS.

Meanwhile, I’m feelin’ pretty damn good… so good that I’d like to just go on a rampage and say:

  • Miguel Cabrera’s mama is so ugly, she makes Willie McGee look like a GQ model!
  • Carlos Zambrano’s mama is so lazy, she makes Big Z look like a hard worker!
  • Ryan Braun’s mama’s teeth glow so yellow, she can almost lead the Brewers out of the darkness of the NL Central! (nah, nothing glows that yellow)
  • Manny Ramirez’s mama is so dirty, her batting helmet has a biohazard label on it!
  • And, of course, Mr. Krause, yo’ mama is so dumb, she’d probably fall for this lame Glenn Beck advance:

Hate me ‘cuz I come back fivefold, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Friday!

Peace,

Jeff

Beer and Prejudice

papi_manny.jpgI really should be talking about all the seismic events that have shaken the baseball universe over the past few days. New steroids revelations, gigantic trades, even bigger non-trades and it seems like each game has a bit more of an edge. But there’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said better by someone else. And that’s why I’m going to talk about a subject less fraught with peril. A subject that is not subject to the nefariousness of political infighting. A subject that is plainly, simply oh so delicious.

Beer.

Yep, beer. You can get it at a ballpark. You can sit at home drinking it while watching a ballgame. It’s social, it’s private and it’s not subject to politics. It’s not like the political discourse of a nation is going to suddenly hinge on the idea of four guys sitting around drinking a frosty brewed beverage while there are huge problems like health care staring us in the face. Right? Right?

Seriously man! When did beer become so important in politics? Don’t get me wrong, beer is important. I wouldn’t want to live in a world without beer (a somewhat ironic statement given my current circumstances). But beer as a prop in an oddly inflammatory racial brouhaha? What’s next, baseball getting pulled into a Supreme Court nomination?

Man, I really should just keep my mouth shut.

Happy Saturday!

-A

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 67 other followers