Results tagged ‘ Mark Reynolds ’

The Filibuster

I’m a huge baseball fan and I love your blog but sometimes I worry about
all the blasphemy.  Any chance you guys could tone that down a little? 
More baseball, less blasphemy.

Jonathan
Wheaton, IL
____________________________________

pissed-jesus.jpgBlasphemy?

What blasphemy?

We don’t know no stinking blasphemy!

The following are all FACTS that our loyal interns have researched thoroughly.  If you do not regard them as FACTS then that is your problem and not ours because they’ve been teaching this stuff for a couple thousand years and I don’t know about you, but anything that has been taught for a couple thousand years MUST be FACT…

Jesus Only Likes Certain Baseball Players
You will know which players he likes by the individual player’s performance.  Jesus will help guys get homeruns but for those whom he detests (Mark Reynolds comes to mind) he will cause problems by making him strikeout with runners in scoring position.  If this is too confusing, then think of it this way: Jesus loves Josh Hamilton, hates Aramis Ramirez.  Loves Albert Pujols, hates Raul Ibanez.  Loves Stephen Strasburg, hates Kenshin Kawakami.

jesus and the 2004 red sox.jpgJesus May Be Johnny Damon
The bloodwork still needs to be finalized — the midichlorians counted over again — but we’re pretty sure that Johnny Damon still holds the key as the physically reformed Jesus on earth.  He helped the Red Sox win the 2004 World Series; if that isn’t proof that Jesus is really the son of god and stuff then I don’t know what else to say to convince you.  If you don’t believe, then you probably don’t believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny either… both unforgivable offenses.

The Face on this Baseball Belongs to Jesus
Don’t believe me?  Well, then prove that it’s NOT Jesus’ face!  Yeah, hahahaha, sucker!!! I knew you couldn’t do it.  Now what?  That’s Jesus’ face, dude.  For serious…

jesus face baseball.jpgJesus Loves to Surprise His Devotees
One day after softball practice, I walk to my car, open up the backseat and BAM!  Jesus bats!

jesus bats.jpgNow if Jesus wasn’t real, if god didn’t want to show me miracles in my life, then how in the hell would these Jesus bats end up in my car all of the sudden?  Huh?!?  Well???  Exactly.  Jesus put them there… ‘cuz Jesus loves me… and

Jesus Hates the Cubs

Some things just never get old…

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see
Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
kraulung@gmail.com. 

*Suggestions on how to draw the prophet Muhammad without getting murdered also welcome.

The Filibuster

Hi Jeff.  You are always saying mean things about the Tigers and making
fun of Allen.  They seem to be doing pretty well with all these young
guys, though.  Do you think you might have been wrong, even though you
always tell us not to hate you ‘cuz you’re right?

Leslie
Quincy, IL
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tiger dog.jpgWhile I certainly detest the notion that my impervious and oft-uppity colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, and his infectious worldview have now tainted the minds of my dear family and friends back home in Quincy, IL, please remember that I have no problem telling you the truth:

The Tigers still suck.

They’re pretenders.

Off to a good start…

Yet destined to fail.

I think.

Of course, I have been wrong once or twice in my life; but I still co-write a hit blog so I’m not sweatin’ it.  And neither should you.  It’s May.  Sure, the Tigers are holding their own… for now.  Austin Jackson, Scott Sizemore, Rick Porcello, Brennan Boesch… indeed, the future is bright in Detroit.

But not this year. 

Sizemore just got sent down.  Porcello is overrated.  Austin Jackson is more Mark Reynolds than Ichiro Suzuki… and I haven’t even mentioned the impending doom of Dontrelle Willis (it will happen eventually).  I just don’t think the Tigers have what it takes to play this well the entire season.

By August their youngsters will have petered out… the old timers (Damon) will be thinking about fishing in Cabo with Joe Mauer and that MLB The Show guy… and once again the murder rate in the Motor City will be the most talked about thing in Michigan.

Not the Tigers.

Sorry.

And for all you river-rat Q-towners, like Leslie above, who are considering siding with Mr. Krause and his lacking baseball acumen, just remember who buys the beers when he’s back home.  Yeah.  That’s what I thought.

So go ahead and hate me ‘cuz I spitz it straight.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Image courtesy of 9GAG)

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Tiger Woods’ little black book also welcome. It’s been a while for Al and I’m tryin’ to help a brother out.

An Inconvenient All-Star

an inconvenient truth.jpgI really haven’t had that exciting of a life. There
are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting
around and complaining about having a boring life. So I pretty much
like to make it up. I’d rather tell a story about somebody else.


Kurt Cobain (1964-1994)

Instead of complaining about who isn’t going to the All-Star Game, I’d like to tell you a story about someone who is going to the All-Star Game:

Me.

Luckily, one of my best friends is a Cardinals season ticket holder.  And besides being the proud owner of Quincy, IL’s finest bar and grill (a place where even Mike Shannon has been known to drink) he also has a kind heart and agreed to take me along for all of the All-Star thrills, including acting as my official wing-man in my misguided quest for Erin Andrews glory.  Yes, that is still going on.  Admittedly, overcoming such built-in adversity will not be an easy assignment; it will be easier than overcoming the struggle against Nazi Germany (don’t tell Al Gore) but, dear readers, it will not be easy – especially since so many deserved, albeit inconvenient, All-Stars will not be present. 

Yet that does not mean they should not be recognized for their All-Starredness, no matter the capacity… so here are your RSBS All-Star snubs of 2009 whom I will proudly represent in St. Louis next week:

Mark Reynolds
Just like that frat guy named Hunter and his impervious flesh pursuit at the bar on $5 pitcher night, yeah, he strikes out an awful lot.  But he also surprises you every once in a while and hits some big-time bombs… or bombshells, whichever the case may be.

Mark Sanford

Stealing bases is one thing.  Stealing taxpayer money to bankroll an 8-year long international affair?  Now that’s All-Star material… because, well, it takes balls.  Balls of steel.

Stephen Strasburg
Being the most popular man in Major League Baseball without ever having played a Major League Baseball game is certainly something to tip your cap towards.  Just wait until you see the kind of velocity he can generate with those ears! I promise you: he is the best pitcher EVER in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

Sarah Palin

No one likes a quitter, but unlike Manny Ramirez, at least Palin looks good while doing it.

And finally…

Milton Bradley
As an unabashed Cardinal fan, there are about about 30 million reasons why this guy is a true All-Star.  Obviously, not one of them includes playing good, fundamentally sound baseball.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pictures of Allen shot-gunning Old Styles also welcome.

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