Results tagged ‘ MC Hammer ’

Yankees Win; Well, At Least Vicente Padilla Shot Himself!

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First, I tip my cap to the New York Yankees.

Congratulations on winning the World Series, fellas.  You kept me interested by keeping things interesting; you played great baseball all season long; you are champions of the universe.  You deserve — and receive — my recognition.

But I still don’t like you.

And that’s a good thing.  It’s good for me, good for you.  It’s good for baseball in general.

I am human and humans hold grudges… even if they are stupid. 

That’s right.  1996.  Three terrible things happened to me in 1996: Tupac Shakur was murdered.  The Yankees won the World Series for the first time since 1978.  And MC Hammer went bankrupt.

I can only hope that this present calamity is not followed by two equally devastating events.

vicente padilla tongue.jpgLuckily, it has coincided with at least one current positive from the baseball cosmos: Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher, Vicente Padilla (species name vicenteticus padillicarpeus), shot himself in the leg earlier this week near his home in Nicaragua, lending even more credence to the “Padilla Once Shot Himself In the Face” theory of explaining why he is so goddamn ugly.

Life is about balance.

I like it that way.

Y’feel me?

Hate me ‘cuz I hit neanderthals below the belt, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Image at the top courtesy of Three Frames)

Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em

mc_hammer.jpgCelebrity fans are an important part of sporting life. The Knicks have Spike Lee, Jack Nicholson is a courtside fixture for the Lakers and the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles are lucky enough to have Alyssa Milano. Who shows up at your games and who roots for you tells you something about a team’s psyche. So, what am I to take from the fact that MC Hammer was not only present at last night’s Tigers game but was also supposed to throw out the first pitch?

In case you need a refresher, MC Hammer was the chocolate cookie to Vanilla Ice’s white cream in the Oreo that was the early 90’s radio-friendly rap scene. However, while Vanilla decided to try and remake his image and attempt a more hard-core sound, Hammer got busy throwing his money away on amenities like a dishwasher in his bedroom and soon found himself bankrupt and careerless.

Why does this story sound familiar? Oh, right. Because it kind of sounds like the ’08 and ’09 Tigers. $12 million on a broken down Dontrelle Willis? Why not. Similar money for Edgar Renteria? Sure thing.

Unfortunately, I guess it’s fitting that Hammer was supposed to be on hand to witness this team in all it’s glory. It’s probably even more fitting that he didn’t get to throw the first pitch because of a rain delay. But maybe we’ll get lucky. Maybe the Tigers’ pitching staff will look past the bankruptcy and personal failing and reach for something deeper, an anthem to prop up their recently inflated ERA. Three words: Can’t touch this.

-A

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