Results tagged ‘ Michele Bachmann ’

Big Trouble In Little Minnesota

I once dated a girl from Wisconsin.  Well, actually, she was from Wisconsin, but she told everyone she was from Minnesota because she was embarrassed by her rural Sconnie roots.  Oh what a difference a decade can make!

Now, hailing from Minnesota will get you all sorts of snickers and sneers.  From the incoherent and elementary mumblings of a psychopath with presidential aspirations to a defunct state government that thinks it should get paid even though it’s not doing any work, the North Star State is looking more and more like the Land of 10,000 Gaffes.

And that’s not even including the moribund Twins!

Believe me, I’m just as shocked as you.  Traditionally, the Twins do everything right.  They see the ball.  They catch the ball.  They use two hands.  From top to bottom, they are the most fundamentally sound franchise in the Big Leagues, which is why they’ve been able to find success despite having a not-so-star studded roster.

But they let their 2010 bullpen of bad@sses go.  When he plays, Joe Mauer has been… er… um… not Joe Mauer.  And between getting his bell rung and having an uncooperative neck, 2006 MVP Justin Morneau has been about as fearsome as a Keenan Cahill video.

Of course, even a stopped clock is right twice a day, which is why the Twins will always be happy to destroy the White Sox.

Unfortunately, that won’t be enough for the Twins to make any noise in the AL Central.  I know the Mike Francescas and Harold Reynolds of the world still have faith, but those people are stupid.  The Twins are done.

I can only hope the same is true for Bachmann and the tepid taxpayers of her dejected state.

Hate me.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a Cub fan’s hopes for a victorious 2011 season, this is gonna be quick, probably ugly and will require more alcohol consumption than a weekend with Lindsay Lohan:

Those Damn Pirates!

By now, everyone on the planet with the barest inkling of baseball acumen is amazed, flabbergasted and floored that, going into the weekend before the All Star Game, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning record.  While a lot of folks find that to be pretty swell, I find it to be a major pain in the @$$, because now half of my jokes aren’t even relevant. Thanks a lot, Clint Hurdle.  At least, there’s always Bachmann… and Palin… and Beck… and, okay, nevermind, everything’s cool.

J.P.!

The RSBS interns recently handed me a report that suggests White Sox outfielder, Juan Pierre, could very well be an RSBS dear reader galore.  In fact, after our very own schlumbach, Johanna Mahmud, went off on a Charlie Sheenian rant slamming the aging speedster, all Pierre did was go 11 for 31 with 2 doubles, 7 RBIs and act as the game winning hero THREE GAMES IN A ROW.  To even hint that J.P. is in the same class of awful as Chone Figgins and Raul Ibanez should be a crime.  So, next time I see Mr. Mahmud, I’m gonna shoot his eyes with Sriracha and cut off his supply of Goldfish crackers.

Ernie Has Lost His Mind!

Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks, was recently quoted as saying the following about current Cubs shortstop, Starlin Castro:

“He’s a great player. He can hit, he can throw. He’s a good young player. He’s better than me.”

*HEAD TWISTS AROUND ITSELF, EYES POP OUT, TONGUE RENDERED USELESS*

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Look, the kid is good.  But he’s like 10 years old and is baseball stupid.  He makes mistakes… all the time!  I hope this isn’t a sign that Banks isn’t all there.  For a team that doesn’t have much to feel good about, at least they can always feel good about Mr. Cub — that is, until he loses his mind, which may have already happened…

Happy Friday!  Call a cab!  It’s easy!

Jeff

The Sometimes Entertaining and Oft Frightening Michele Bachmann

A week ago Tuesday brought us two great performances in revisionist history.  The first one took place in Detroit where a blown and then reversed call at first base led to Jim Leyland’s Oscar short-listed performance.  If you haven’t already seen the video, do yourself a favor and click through.  The best replay comes around the 2:45 mark.

Meanwhile, a Republican presidential candidate once again showed their tenuous grip on reality and US history, leading their supporters to once again attempt to change Wikipedia.  This has proven to be an effective strategy in the past, especially since we know that everything written on the internet is true.  Only this time around, it wasn’t Sarah Palin.  Instead, Michelle Bachmann’s supporters tried to spread the wealth around a little on the heels of her John Quincy Adams gaffe.

The most disturbing aspect of these two stories is that Leyland and the umps aspires to entertain.  But we should expect more than entertainment from our politicians.  Bachmann has aspirations to the presidency.  I understand that politicians prevaricate and refuse to answer the questions they are posed but refusing to admit that you’re wrong about a fact that you maintain as the bedrock of your campaign is not even entertaining.  It’s just scary.

-A

RSBS Digest: Dealing With It

The last few days have seen my interwebs, my YouFace and my Tweeters blow up with concerned dear readers galore:

Jeff, I heard about Pujols… man… are you okay?

Jeff, I heard about Michele Bachmann topping another 2012 poll, is everything cool?

Jeff, I heard one still can’t find Kraftbrau’s Doppelbock on tap anywhere in the Chi. Are you contemplating suicide?

No.

No.

And… no.

Definitely not.  Everything is cool, man.  I mean, what am I supposed to do?  Give up!?!?!

Ha!

Bein’ down isn’t something I’m unaccustomed to, my friends.  And yeah, back in the old days, I would sit and stew, fume and pout, whine and complain about things I could not control.  But where is there value in that?

I would rather fight through hardships than lay down and die because of them.  The satisfaction of overcoming adversity is like that first sip of a cold adult beverage after work on Friday: earning it makes it taste better.  And sometimes, when failure is still the result, knowing I gave my best effort keeps me sane.

But I swear, if I don’t find that Doppelbock on tap somewhere in this city soon, no wall in my apartment is safe.

Hate me all ya want, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Flying Too Close to the Sun

icarus.jpgConfidence is a good thing.

But, too much confidence can be deadly.

To Red Sox Nation, who declared the season over before it even started, this message couldn’t be more true.

Or how about Charlie Sheen and his self-destructing, bridge-burning rampage against all-things reasonable?  Couldn’t he have boned some pornstar chicks AND STILL gotten to work on time?

And to the US American electorate who expected the Obama administration to clap its hands and make 8 years of mess magically disappear, do you not understand that these things take time?  That a Mitt Romney or Michelle Bachmann led fascist regime is not the answer?  That political infrastructures aren’t as simple as iPhone apps or ordering chicken fried rice from your local Chinese joint?

Confidence is a good thing.

But, too much confidence can be deadly.

Just ask Mike Leake about his confidence in the good ole five-finger discount.

Hate me ‘cuz I say what you’re thinking, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Mixing Up the Icons

reagan_eisenhower.jpgI often mix up Micky Mantle and Roger Maris.  I think it has something to do with the similarities between the names, the fact that they both played for the Yankees and that I wasn’t alive when either one of them was playing.  Admittedly, this isn’t much of an excuse and I should probably feel pretty bad even admitting that this is true but if you can’t be honest on the internet, where else can you go?

However, as bad as my mix-up may be, it’s nothing compared to the mistake Republicans have made for the past 30 years.  Whoops

Ok, before you comment, yes, I do realize that the Onion is a satirical newspaper even if this distinction is not always apparent.  But the beauty of the Onion is that its articles often contain a particularly trenchant social commentary.  For someone who has become the touchstone for the US brand of conservatism, Reagan was not particularly conservative.  He wasn’t a religious man, he spent taxpayer money like Plaxico Burress at a strip club and, on top of that, more and more evidence has surfaced to show that the Alzheimer’s which completely debilitated him later in life had already set in during his tenure in the White House.  So why has Reagan remained the conservative hero instead of Ike, a true war hero, a brilliant tactician and a well-liked President?

If you ask me, I think it’s because Ike was bald.  People are afraid of the bald.  Ok, fine, maybe it’s not that.  Maybe it’s something even simpler.  Maybe it’s the fact that Ike warned against the growing military-industrial complex while Reagan actively supported it.

Or maybe it’s the fact that many of today’s Republican leaders are just plain and simple insane.  Seriously, Michele Bachmann isn’t fit to lead a PTA, much less be a spokesperson for the conservative vanguard.  I actually like some of Ron Paul’s ideas but ultimately his obsession with killing the Fed and completely disengaging from the world are dangerous at best and probably closer to sociopathic in reality.

Sure, I admit that I get people mixed up.  But usually it’s because either their names are similar or they look kind of the same.  This attribution of Eisenhower’s ideals to Reagan and their further transformation into the current pseudo-Reagan conservatism is an entirely different ballpark.  And unlike my mix up which simply gets me ridiculed by baseball fans, the conservative shell game might just leave the country insolvent.  It’s almost enough to drive Mickey Mantle to drink.

-A

Another Homerun Brought to You by Jamie Moyer

bachmann_palin.jpgI try to watch Jon Stewart as much as possible since he seems to be the only person who realizes how bat-sh!t crazy Michele Bachmann truly is.  She’s like Sarah Palin with less brains and less media savvy.  Yeah, scary.

But I also like Stewart because he does a great job of getting his comic friends to drop by and ostensibly promote the shows they’re working on.  For instance, Denis Leary is a regular guest and just the other week I saw both Chris Rock and Adam Sandler on the show together.  It’s a good thing when you can count guys like that among your friends and when they actually return your phone calls.  Yeah, Jeff.  I’m talking to you.  Ever answer your phone there big guy?

Sorry.  Back to the point.  The thing of it is, though, that Stewart and his guests rarely talk about the show or movie they’ve stopped by to promote.  They make an attempt but then it goes out the window and it’s more like watching a conversation between two old friends and you were lucky enough to be there.  Like a recent episode when Louis C. K. stopped by to talk about his new show.  They showed a clip, it was funny but then most of the conversation was about other random stuff.

But when I finally saw a little bit more about Louis’ show, I realized that I may have missed out on something spectacular.  See if you catch it at the end of this clip………

……..Yeah, Jamie Moyer!  Dishing up the homerun like it’s going out of style.  Sadly, I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have the same effect if I tried it.

-A

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