Results tagged ‘ Nationals ’

Giving Glenn a Hand

Glenn Beck crying.jpgMy heart is filled with sorrow knowing that Glenn Beck, the insane political entertainment leech that he is, will no longer be employed by the fear-mongering moguls at Fox News.  That’s right, dear readers.  I, and a collective US America, am in mourning.  Please, let us grieve.

Unfortunately, this mutual divorce means no more frog murdering on live television.  It means no more psychotic temper tantrums directed towards reason.  And yes, sadly, my friends, It means no more *oligarhy*.

But never fear!  Glenn Beck is the Washington Nationals of politics!  He may be an embarrassment to the establishment, but damn does he make things interesting every once in a while!

In fact, rumor has it, he might even start his own television network

And just in case he might need some help, the RSBS interns and I got right to work on finding the most appropriate network name.  Here’s a short list of what we came up with:

FoSN – The Full of S*** Network

NOGWN - The No One’s Gonna Watch Network

FBC – The Fail Broadcasting Corporation


Can’t wait to see what Mr. Beck finds the most appropriate… though early signs point to NOGWN, mostly ‘cuz I like how it sounds when you try to say it: “Nahg-wahn”.

Hate me.  I don’t care.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Keep ‘Em In the Closet

scott powers locked in closet.jpgBefore you start jumping to conclusions, dear readers, let me just say that I don’t think Vice President Joe Biden’s aides were in the right for locking Orlando Sentinel reporter, Scott Powers, in the closet during a recent Alan Ginsburg-paid soiree to raise money for the 2012 election campaign.  If Biden’s aides are as sexy and savvy as the RSBS interns, then they surely had a good reason for keeping Mr. Powers confined to a small space for such a long time.*

As a bonafide megafortified soused-out baseball fanatic, I can honestly say that I’d like to keep a few players in the closet for the entire 2011 season, so that I can concentrate on the games being played rather than the asinine soap-operatic subplots of the whiny and perpetually irritating.

Who shall we keep locked up this season you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you:

NYJER MORGAN

This is a tough call because Nyjer’s antics often result in beanball wars and Jeff Lungian smackdowns — both staples of maintaining my healthy psyche.  But, when a player constantly runs his mouth and ends up getting his teammates hurt, then I think it’s time to get out the jaw-wiring.  Besides, Morgan’s a Nat Brewer.  No one will even notice he’s gone.

LUKE SCOTT

He’s an idiot.  He’s a birther.  He’s an Oriole.  And all of those things make him… irrelevant.  A perfect candidate to be closeted.  For the season.  All of it!

And finally, if we’re going to be throwing folks in the closet for the season, let us not leave out…

MILTON BRADLEY

I know that being a Seattle Mariner inherently keeps Milton’s whining out of the headlines (few people care to read the perils of such a slogging team), but this dude isn’t just a baby.  He isn’t just a clubhouse cancer.  He’s also a wife-beater.  Not only that, but the man is not a good baseball player.  He had one decent year, got paid and then went back to being a snake.

To the closet they go!

Hate me ‘cuz I’m slingin’ mud, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*This is also how Mr. Krause’s parents shielded him from the temptations of adolescence.

The Filibuster

If you could spend the day with any non-Cardinal baseball player
currently playing in the majors, who would it be and what would you do?

Melissa
Sandusky, OH
____________________________________

writing_letter.jpg
Is it just me or am I constantly being set up by my friends and dear readers to expound on my favorite baseballers in a way that encourages embracing a certain, subtly disclosed homoerotic undertone?

Or, maybe I’m just reading too much into it.

I dunno.

Okay, Melissa, so you take away my number one and two options by canceling out the Cards; but let me assure you, the number three spot is also a no-brainer.  For me, anyway.  Of course, you may be shocked to hear it but for this hypothetical man-crush date (is it a man-crush date or did I make that part up too?) I’m going with the one, the only:

Stephen James Strasburg.

stephen strasburg fastball grip.jpg
WHAT!?!?

Exactly.

Here’s how our date day will go…

9 a.m. Workout
I pick Stephen up and we head to the Nats’ training facility.  I am Stephen’s shadow.  I do very little talking and a whole lot of observing.  I don’t wanna make this strange for the 22 year old phenom, so I just go with the flow.  I know Stephen is out for the season, recovering from Tommy John surgery, but a man’s still gotta stay in shape and I wanna know how he does it. (Also, when no one is looking, I coat Nyjer Morgan’s supportive equipment with government grade Tiger Balm.)

12 p.m. Lunch

We eat a healthy, protein-packed lunch that will fire our fast twitch muscle fibers so we recover faster, to become stronger.  I now start asking questions, overly aware of how annoying I can be when given free reign to discuss all-things baseball.  Eventually, these questions lead to hitter preparation science, so off we go to…

2 p.m. Video Room
I want to get inside the head of Stephen Strasburg.  So I present to him a reel of the Major League’s best hitters: Albert Pujols, Adrian Gonzalez, Joey Votto.  I want to know how he is going to approach them.  I want to see him point out their holes.  Stephen, of course, is as calculated as he is modest, and he ain’t givin’ up too many secrets.

3 p.m.  Practice Field [For this part, let us forget that Stephen can't pitch right now, shall we?]
Luckily, I brought along my catcher’s equipment from high school (it all still fits!), including my over sized mitt.  I take my place behind the plate and ask Stephen to go easy on me.  In high school I think the fastest fastball I ever caught was in the 70 mph range.  After three Strasburg change-ups, I lose all feeling in my catching hand.  But this is Stephen Friggin’ Strasburg, so I man up, take the pain and ask for more.  Watching his yacker yack and his fastball bite, wow… just, wow.

5 p.m. My Crib
All my best friends (Mr. Krause, Johanna Mahmud, Yadier Molina) come over to my place.  We got beer.  We got wings.  We got pizza.  We also got a big screen HD TV showing the very first Strasmas ever: June 8, 2010 — the greatest single regular season game that didn’t mean anything, ever played, in the history of my universe.  Ever.  We watch in amazement as Stephen talks us through each at-bat, each pitch, each hair raising moment. 

After three plus hours of pizza, wings, beer and Strasmas in my very own living room, I am finally able to sit back on my couch, relax, and wait to die.

It’s been a splendid day.

Life is good.

Don’t hate me.

‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

- – -

**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a
free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout just making Mr. Krause look as silly as Mario Lopez hosting a television show (trust us, it ain’t hard)?  Send us your Filibuster questions
by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

RSBS Presents: Pain

jeff running houston half.jpgMy morose and oft despondent colleague, Mr. Krause, recently addressed our mutual passion for the sport of long distance running, and in doing so, alluded to the fact that such passionate loyalty requires a certain tolerance for pain. 

Indeed, running begets pain.  But said pain often calluses the soul, prepares it for the ultimate fight — whether physical or mental — and breeds a certain unparalleled toughness that can guide one through any hardship.  This I know.

Pain is a binding precursor to ecstasy.  Without it, we wouldn’t know a good thing if it hit us in the face… which, would be ironic in this case, because — depending on what the object hitting us in the face is — that could possibly hurt.

But I digress. 

Perhaps the following irony deficient examples will help better illustrate my point:

Jayson Werth cigar.jpgJayson Werth
(aka Nipple Abrasions — minor yet aggravatingly debilitating)
Congratulations, Washington Nationals, on signing Alfonso Soriano 2.0!  No, seriously, I really am happy for you.  I mean, y’all have had some painfully troublesome moments in your six year history… y’know, like, sucking and all.  Then Strasburg went down… Dunn got away… and now you dole out $18 million a year for SEVEN YEARS to your division rival’s 32 year-old third fiddle.  Um… okay.  The bad news is: you got screwed.  The good news is: it’ll be over in seven years.  By then you will be so learned, so deteriorated, so callused by anguish that every little victory will seem colossal.  Maybe you’ll even smile.  Maybe.

usa-flag-inside-map.jpg‘Merican Politics
(aka Plantar Fasciitis — excruciatingly biting, often chronic)
Eight years of Dubya.  A war in Afghanistan.  A war in Iraq.  The continued waste of an asinine war on drugs, on poverty, on progression in general.  The complete upheaval of congress from one extreme to another, to another, then back to where it started again.  We don’t have healthcare, we do have healthcare, we don’t have healthcare.  We’ve no jobs.  Our farmers are forced to grow crap crops to make corn syrup which is then injected into all your food so that you are prone to overeat, become obese, get diabetes and die.  Yeah.  That’s some real pain right there; makes Canada sound like the Playboy Mansion.  Ms. Teen South Carolina, you with me?

pirates fan.jpgThe Pittsburgh Pirates
(aka Hitting the Wall or “Bonking” — worst case scenario your body loses the ability to function due to depleted glycogen stores)
Two words: Matt Diaz.  Wow.  Just… wow.  Dear readers, when signing Matt Diaz is a big deal, you know your team is in trouble.  In the Pirates’ case, they’ve been in trouble since 1992, they show zero signs of improvement, and life is just gonna get more and more painful for the handful of baseball fans left in Pittsburgh. 

Just remember:

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

My advice?  Go Steelers! 

Hate me ‘cuz I bring da pain, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 10: Bud Selig’s Salad… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 10.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

It’s our monumental TENTH EPISODE, y’all!  Party is the name of the game as Jeff, Allen and Johanna dive into an exciting playoff tempered show including three hallowed memories, two Morgans (Nyjer and the Captain) and one inception… not to mention a whole lot of confusion over a $500 pair of speedos with Albert Pujols’ face on it.  Plus much more, including the Lou Piniella mailbag!  All to make you laughy-time!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  Check out
his Undercast podcast and visit his movie-making website Undercard Films if you don’t want him to kick your bum.  Did I mention he is an MMA fighter?  It’s true.  How else do you think Johanna’s face got so disfigured?!?  Lookout!

- – -

MUSIC BY MEQQA <— Download their music it is rad as hell :-)

Recorded Saturday, September 11, 2010

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 9: Jeter’s Unfortunate Accident… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 3.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Once again, Jeff and Johanna tread the unconventional waters of mischief-making as they delve into important social issues such as cock-fighting Aramis Ramirez, Stephen Strasburg’s golden elbow, Katy Perry’s wisdom, the Lou Piniella mailbag and much, much more!  Turn up the volume and chuckle with us, y’all!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special
thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  If you like laughing or just wanna listen to some wildly impromptu conversations about food, film making and other important life subjects like living on display in a museum, check out his Undercast podcast.  Visit Undercard Films!

- – -

MUSIC BY MEQQA <— Download their music it is rad as hell :-)

Recorded Saturday, August 28, 2010

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 8: Jason Heyward’s Bust… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 8.jpg
Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Allen: “If somebody’s willing to pay you the money, then that’s what you’re worth.”

Jeff: “I make magic happen…”

Johanna: “Chapped sack.”

Of course, that’s just the beginning… there’s also punching Mrs. Johanna’s dad and spending a night in jail, Judge Judy putting Yankees to shame, Oh-No-Farnsworth, the Lou Piniella Mailbag and much, much more… bringin’ great big laughs to those bellies yo!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and all-around sound guru.  If you like baseball, wanna learn about the Negro Leagues and would like to know more about stuff that is awesome, check out his Undercast podcast.  He’s an MMA fighter too. So listen or he’ll beat you up.  Visit Undercard Films!

- – -

MUSIC BY MEQQA <— Download their music it is rad as hell :-)

Recorded Saturday, August 14, 2010

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 5: Bonilla’s Bonus Button… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 3.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff, Al & that rock-n-rollin-Cub-lovin’ sage Johanna Mahmud take on all things ‘Merica, including (but not limited to) Rinku and Dinesh, Carlos Zambrano, The Hills (seriously? that happened?), the All-Star Game, the Lou
Piniella Mailbag and much,
much more… all to make you laughy-laughy!

Holla!

-
– -

Subscribe
to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe

via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  His Undercast
podcast is a must-listen (listen to it!).  It’s available on iTunes and
is posted regularly at Undercard

Films.

Recorded Monday, July 5, 2010

‘Merica the Bootyfull

usa bikini.jpgGoddamn it, I love me some ‘Merica.

You know this, dear readers. Heck, you probably love you some too.

And yesterday, on our hallowed Fourth of July holiday, I had a grandtastical time with friends, family, and beer.  I BBQ-hopped all over the Chi; kissed babies’ sunburnt foreheads; ate me some apple pie.  At the end of the day I was so drunk with red, white and blue cheer that I couldn’t help but point my finger at strangers and say “I want YOU!”

And along the way, I learned what ‘Merica really is.

It’s…

Baseball
Duh.  We all know this.  I attended BBQs in costume, as a walking representation of our nation’s capital. I wore this red novelty tee (the sleeves I ripped off, ‘cuz ‘Merica don’t need no dang sleeves) with the Washington Nationals cap I picked up during Strasmas a couple of weeks ago.
 
im big in europe.jpgThis outwardly provocative get-up netted me lots of friends.  Strangers approached me with “Hey, Strasburg, man!” and “Gotta love Strasburg, dude.”  The ladies were impressed with me being big in Europe and one of them even made a joke about the possibility of Stephen Strasburg being big in Europe, to which I replied, “Strasburg… he’s good and all, but, y’know he ain’t no Jeff Lung.”

‘Merica… it’s…

Being Anything You Wanna Be… For Five Hours


merica.jpgHate me ‘cuz it’s trendy, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(pics by moi)

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 4: Finally, Allen’s Krause… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 5.jpg
Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Dear readers galore FINALLY get to meet THE one, the ONLY, Mr. Allen Krause as he joins Jeff and Johanna to discuss all things urgent, all things necessary.  And it’s all made possible by science.  And hard work.  And Skype.  Judge for yourself.  Among the titillating
topics of discussion: Strasburg as Jesus, the difference between anathema and an enema (it’s important), starting a Pete Rose for US WBC Team Player/Manager petition on Facebook, Gallaraga’s thingy, the Lou Piniella Mailbag and much,
much more!

Holla!

-
– -

Subscribe
to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe

via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  His Undercast
podcast is the bomb shizzy, by the way.  It’s available on iTunes and
is posted regularly at Undercard
Films
.

Recorded Wednesday, June 23, 2010

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