Results tagged ‘ NBA ’
Top 10 Ways I Avoided the Pujols Press Conference
10. Beer
9. Acetone
8. Subjected Myself to Amy Grant’s Greatest Hits
7. More Beer
6. Whisky
5. NBA Network
4. Dissected a Battery, Smoked What I Found, Had a Conversation with a Fern
3. Murder (Not Telling… HINT: Involved a Smurf)
2. Boilermaker
1. This Video… Over and Over and Over Again…
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff
The RSBS Podcast, Episode 30: Pat Matheny’s Anesthesioxity and Other Stuff (LIKE HIGHLIGHTS!)
And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles…
The RSBS crew celebrates its 30th episode by taking a stroll down podcast memory lane, remembering things that busted our (and hopefully your) guts. AIDS salad and Ron Santo’s memory get rehashed while new memories (like gay ponies v. horsicorns, an iguana named Dudley and how you can cure your foot problems) are created! Jump on board the RSBS crazy train! No stops til you question how you spend your free time!
Don’t forget to getcho Crown Royal and enjoy some happy time!
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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*
Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*
*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.
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Recorded Saturday, November 26, 2011
Don’t Give Me That Sanctity Crap!: Redux
This time the “sanctity” comes courtesy of the Kardashians and the NBA:
Don’t worry, there are plenty of baseball examples, too. We just want to make sure the NFL and NBA get their recognition.
On a side note, is it just me or does Khloe vaguely resemble Shrek wearing a wig?
-A
When Disparity Knocks
While some major sports leagues have actively sought parity, others have decided to content themselves with a talent and success gap that keeps getting greater all the time. At the American club level (i.e. MLB), baseball has seen fit to follow this approach. Sure, teams like the Pirates may threaten for a short period but ultimately these kind of calls go against them and the season quickly follows.
This disparity also exists on the global level but it tends to work in our favor a lot of the time. Sure, we don’t have a monopoly on the baseball talent and we’re sorely lacking when it comes to soccer. But if you want to see true inequality, consider basketball.
Let me lay it out in more concrete terms. Here are the national teams from Bahrain and Kuwait playing a recent match:
Aside from an almost supernatural ability to instantly turn into an unwieldy mob, there’s not a whole lot of talent there.
Now, take Derrick Rose:
I’m pretty sure D-Rose could take on either of those teams by himself and come away with a W. I also think there’s only one thing left to say here. USA! USA! USA!
-A
Not All Athletes Are Created Equally
The NBA Draft was held Thursday night, and in contrast to years previous, this one seemed to be less about an influx of young players and more about the Shaq sextape sized elephant in the room. Because by now, I think we all know that a lockout is coming, the next season might never be, and hearts will definitely be broken.
And the sadness doesn’t stop there. Think about the players who will suddenly be without work, with no pay. Will they be forced to drive Kias instead of Bentleys? Forced to drink Red Label instead of Blue? Have sex with their wives rather than the band of groupies hanging outside the team bus?
If you think professional basketball players will be able to just find work elsewhere, like the rest of us Joe Six-Packs would be forced to do, you might want to rethink the way the world works. Here, let Washington Wizards point guard, John Wall, prove my point:
The truth is, ya get these guys off the court and… well, things can get ugly.
Here’s hoping the NBA learns some valuable lessons from its MLB brethren, before it’s too late.
Happy Friday!
Jeff
Chillin’ with the Enemy
Rubbin' a little Bernie Brewer belly... because I can.
For those of us caught up in the modern technocratic lifestyle, establishing a clear line between friend and foe makes life a bit simpler (albeit unpleasant at times). When prompted for an opinion, we often don’t have time to think; we must know, must be ready to jump on a topic and run. And this is where established distinctions are helpful (even if detrimental to peace — sorry!).
It’s 2011 and enemies abound. In the NBA, LeBron is the antithesis of good. In politics, we have Sarah Palin. In humanity, it’s Charlie Sheen.
But what do we do when our “enemies” aren’t that bad at all?
Over the weekend, the St. Louis Cardinals got swept by the Milwaukee Brewers, a feat that not only caused a bit of embarrassment for me and my fellow bird fanatics, but also knocked the Cardinals out of first place all together. Am I angry? Do I want to hold my breath and take a hammer to my digits? Am I going to hurt someone?
No, of course not. It’s June and the NL Central race has barely begun. But I must say, even if it does come down to St. Louis and Milwaukee in October, I will have a hard time hating on the Brewers like I do the sCrUBBIES.
On Saturday, I went to Miller Park for the very first time and I have to say: it’s a beautiful place full of beautiful people genuinely enjoying our beautiful sport. Have you ever seen a sea of tailgaters for a baseball game?!? I mean, everyone was so… nice! And the park experience was so… pleasant… and the atmosphere was so… positive!
Prior to this excursion, my understanding of the Brewers organization could be summed up in three sentences: Beat you in ’82. Bud Selig was a better owner than a commish. And Prince Fielder is HONGRY.
But really, after taking in the Miller Park experience I have to update my mental Rolodex. It’s not every day you visit a rival ballpark and are welcomed with a smile and a handshake. And as often as I’ve donned my ’06 WS patched Yadier Molina jersey into enemy territory, only at Miller Park was I stopped and commended on my team’s run of that year. And did I mention the cheese curds!?
Oh what heaven!!!
Don’t worry, dear readers, I ain’t gettin’ soft. I’ll box a Brewer if I gotta; but in a world where negativity rules the infoway, I find it refreshing to give credit to those who are pretty cool folks.
That being said, I hope the Brewers lose every one of their games from here until the end of the season.
Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff
Johanna and I posin' prior to first pitch.
The Filibuster
Will you be watching the MLB draft? LOL.
Mark
Chicago, IL
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The MLB draft is to professional sports drafts like the Tony awards are to major awards shows. It happens and I’m sure there are people who care but those people are the exception, not the rule. Here’s the problem.
The MLB draft doesn’t matter because the players drafted, with very few exceptions, are not going to make any sort of short-term impact. Most of them are barely known at this point because that’s not how baseball works. Sure, there may be some stud who comes out of college already boasting an MLB level pedigree but in reality, most of these guys, if they even ever make it to the big leagues, are going to be playing a few years in the minors to get ready. Baseball requires a level of apprenticeship that just isn’t necessary in other sports.
The NBA and NFL drafts play well on TV because not only have these guys already played on the national stage and in the national spotlight, fans and teams also make the assumption that they will have an immediate impact. Guys like Reggie Bush and LeBron James can start every game of their rookie campaign and instantly make a team relevant. In baseball, that just isn’t the case.
That being said, I can appreciate what Selig would like to do. Sure, MLB’s revenue may be growing but a little statistical analysis will show you that this growth is dwarfed by that of the NBA and the NFL. To keep up and remain relevant, MLB must constantly search for new ways to entertain, new ways to create revenue and new ways to attract new recruits.
Unfortunately, pimping the MLB draft isn’t the way to do it. I’ll explain by going back to the Tony awards for a second. The problem with the Tonys is that theatre is no longer relevant in the US. Film and TV have both surpassed it in terms of entertainment and cultural and societal critique. That’s why people have Oscar parties and chat about the Emmies but couldn’t care less about the Tonys. Similarly, MLB doesn’t hold the same cultural relevance at this point in time as either professional football or basketball. Sure, the fans still care but people not only watch the NBA and NFL games more regularly, they’re also willing to watch the two leagues’ drafts.
So you make a good point, Mark. And to answer your assuredly rhetorical question, no, I will not be watching the MLB draft just like I won’t be watching the Tony awards. MLB needs to make itself relevant again before there’s any chance that I will.
-A
The Filibuster
If you had to choose between watching the Heat and the Mavericks in the NBA Finals or the Cubs and the Pirates playing a mid-week series, what would you choose?
Henry
Mechanicsburg, PA
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Hold on a second here, Henry. I know where you’re going with this and believe me, the old me would high-five you, pat you on the back for representin’ the greatest game on earth and laugh in the face of all those suckas entranced by David Stern’s tamed down version of the WWE. The problem is, a funny thing happened to me during the baseball offseason, and now I too can be considered a cog in the NBA machine.
This is not a bad thing!
To me, baseball still sits atop the professional sports world. It simply can’t be beat. If you are looking for an exact explanation as to why I feel this way, just check the over 1100+ posts in our RSBS back catalogue, consider my socially-backwards tendencies of staying home on Friday and Saturday nights so I can watch five straight hours of baseball undisturbed and you should be drunk with the RSBS brand of baseball championing.
But there’s something subtly intoxicating about the NBA this year too, from the LeBron disaster to the fall of the Lakers to the bright futures of Westbrook, Rose and Durant… I mean, watching those guys drive to the hoop over 7 foot monsters is pretty close to watching a suicide squeeze late in a tight ballgame. And I can appreciate this electrifying comparison — finally, after a self-imposed decade long hiatus from basketball fandom — because this year I had my very own private NBA tutor walk me through what I have missed (the storylines, the heroics, the defeats — it’s all very soap opera-ish), to explain what “pick and pop” means, to show me the entire floor for a full understanding of the sport.
So to answer your question, Henry… I will be watching Heat/Magic on Tuesday. You bet. I wouldn’t miss Dirklicious schoolin’ the most hated man in all of sports. Of course, I’ll be watching it! But, like all the other games before it, I will be watching with one caveat: that my laptop is running four live baseball games and my finger is set to scroll my MLB Extra Innings package during all commercial breaks.
Who said a man can’t have his cake and eat it too?
IMA GIT ME SOME CAKE!!!
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff
Setting the Mahmud
RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Slavedriver, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:
He Plays with a Load in His Hands
The NFL draft is Thursday and that means we evaluate everything about everyone’s everything. From their toe sizes to wingspans to ability to play with others to punctuality to how long they can sit through the last season of Oprah to the limitations of their menstrual cycles to how many yards they can throw a Mexican snapping turtle to how they would handle Kanye taking their MVP trophies away and giving them to Beyonce.
It’s a lot to sift through.
AND FUN!!!
Which reminded me of what’s going on with MLB closers now. Closers seem to be chosen for teams primarily by stuff and grit but also based on looks and intangibles. So….. I’ve listed some of what I look for in potential closers for when I’m king of the Cubs and I take over as Czar of the DAMNED……
The following quotes describe facial expressions, which are the best way to determine who’s got the right stuff to end games for me:
“I’m so damn mad I’d punch a baby!”
TRANSLATION: I did odd things to Barbie dolls when my sister wasn’t looking.
“I’m gonna come over to your house tonight, wear your sister’s makeup and then beat her to death.”
TRANSLATION: I’m confused about where slavery begins and my basement’s interior design ends….
“I’m good at rallying a team from behind!”
TRANSLATION: What I really need is a bearded man with a vintage cardigan who will tell me “he has to see about a girl and its not your fault, Brian Daisy Fuentes.”
“I’ve wet myself many times in public, but I DON’T CARE…”
TRANSLATION: I’ve wet myself many times in public, but I DON’T CARE.
“The best thing about me other than my heater is that I should have played the lead in Our Town. I’m egotistical, fiery aggressive and I have great athletic skillz.”
TRANSLATION: My name is Jeffery Lung and I will pretend to be your closer for a third of an inning. CHEERS!!!
“I understand angles and I’m grindy, gritty and tuffffff!”
TRANSLATION: I’M DEFINITELY WHITE AND I’M PROBABLY AN INDIANA PACER.
One last thing about closers, because if you’re like most teams, you’ll have to find a new one soon (like by Saturday)… Russian women are like closers: when they goes, they goes fast………
–Johanna Mahmud
BTW… if Lovie Smith could pick a closer he would be from Abilene Christian.
Setting the Mahmud
RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Guru, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:
Dickensian Asylum, One Good Player, Bad Paper. Little to Make Me Excite.
The Cubs, for me, are pushing the human existence backwards and making hearts sad.
Another season is already bogging me down.
I was watching the Rockies kill/drub/maim the Cubs on Sunday (the same expansion team that has already been to a World Series, and, like the Marlins teams that have won two so far, also have exciting young talent despite playing in a small market) I couldn’t change the channel back to the NBA playoffs fast enough.
My beloved Bulls and D. Rose are the only things keeping me breathing.
With the Cubs, it’s not so much the bad baseball and the lack of power, but mostly just the fact that they’re boring and unsatisfying. I think I’d rather watch a touring band of angry flying Arabs and Mexicans on ice. Then you’d have something! Or just So Taguchi.
Starlin Castro might be the best player in Chicago, and some hope exists for that fact alone, but with all the bad contracts and old players getting older, I must face the music now: the Cubs can’t compete for baseball immortality by winning the World Series for at least another 2-4 YEARS. I guess that’s not the end of the world given the century mark came and went.
But, it still blows.
I had a birthday recently and time moves faster now. When I was 15 I thought I’d never be 25, but that happened. Then I knew I had forever til 30. Then… that happened.
The Cubs last had a real chance of winning it all three years ago. Swept by the Dodgers and feeling and hurting and poopooing and getting raped way too much like when they were swept the year before. Look, this isn’t 1500 words about how much pain I’ve endured in my life being a Cubs fan. This is about “I know they’re not great and won’t be for a while but please let them just. be. fun……”
They play station-to-station baseball, have very little power and carry a distinct lack of personality (the personality I get from Carlos Zambrano I don’t need so much). So in essence, they’re a slow team that can’t hit bombs and are extremely boring. On a daily basis. GUHHH…… HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??
The one thing to rely on (we thought) was decent starting pitching. Currently the Cubs have the least amount of quality starts in baseball.
For the love of god, if you’re going to suck, at least be fun! I mean be like fun bad!!?? Like when the Bears are bad you’ll at least have a good time watching Devin Hester returning kicks or Jay Cutler throwing it all over the field or Lovie Smith waking up once in a while to say something to our lesbian-looking offensive coordinator Michael Martz in a roller coaster train wreck loss. That can be fun!
The Cubs were terrible ten years ago but Sammy Sosa at least was exalting the baseball gods with soaring rips into the bleachers completely unaided by anabolic substances of any kind. Seriously. This is true. He told me. When Kerry wood pitched, grown men wept, women went into early labor, George Bush liked black people, and I thought Creed had potential as a legitimate artistic talent. Dusty Baker gave verbose speeches of the utmost linguistic integrity, dripping with so much backwoods gibberish that I hung on his every word and swooned with how a man so simple could speak so eloquently…
“It’s called hitting, and it ain’t called walking. Do you ever see the top 10 walking? You see top 10 batting average. A lot of those top 10 do walk.”
WORDSY!
“When you first come up, you want to get some hits”
VERBOSOSITY!!
“Peoples have been trying to bring me down. That’s OK, that’s how it is. Actually, that makes me stronger. It’s OK. What are you going to say when I kick somebody’s butt?”
SUPERINTIMIDATINGWORDSYVERBOSOSITY!!!
When I first moved to Chicago, going to Wrigley was a cathartic experience. Finally, I could go to games whenever I wanted, which was something I remember dreaming of when I was just a pup watching with Grandpa every Saturday on WGN with Stone and Harry. After watching the game with Grandpa, I would immediately run outside to field tennis balls off the concrete stairs, pretending I was Shawon Dunston.
I don’t have great memories of Wrigley anymore. Just heartache and a wanton desire for greatness. The fond memories I have of the Cubs are really just afternoons hangin with Grandpa. That’s what I miss.
Now it’s just pain.
And again, I’d see a priest but I’m still good looking enough that he might try to do odd things to me.
The Cubs may lose this season but for the love of god…. give me excite!!
Red State Blue State
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