Results tagged ‘ Porn Mustache ’

Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor

ryan theriot.jpgUm… okay.  So this is what happens when Brendan Ryan becomes better known for a poorly marketed pornstache than his actual comeuppance as an everyday St. Louis Cardinals shortstop.  Oh, wait.  No comeuppance?  He sucks?  My bad.

Which is sorta why I haven’t really said much this offseason about my dearly beloved Redbirds.  What’ s there to say?  Jake Westbrook signed?  Okay.  Cool.  We traded Blake Hawksworth for Ryan Theriot?  M’kay… nice.  I guess.  Can we guarantee that Skip Schumaker won’t take another step backwards?  How about facing the fact that closer Ryan Franklin really ain’t cut out to be a closer?  And then…???

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I still haven’t really gotten over the crapfest that was the second half of the 2010 season.  No one likes a sore loser, but goddamn it if I ain’t still sore as hell!  Matt Holliday, Albert Pujols, Adam Wainwright, Chris Carpenter… YADIER MOLINA. 

Friends, Romans, Cubs fans… those names command a division title.

COMMAND IT!

And that’s what I want.  At the very least, we ought to be slaying the Reds, the Cubs and whatever other foe floats carelessly towards the top. 

Does Ryan Theriot magically make that happen?  Uh… no.  In fact, as a hitter, Baseball Reference has Theriot matched up with the likes of Aaron Miles, Jason Bartlett and former St. Louis Brown, Ernie Johnson.  And while Bartlett had one good year, let’s not get too excited over these comparisons; ‘cuz frankly, there’s little that breeds excitement.

Yes, maybe Theriot will solve the leadoff problem that has crippled the Cardinals in recent years.  Then again, he probably won’t.  He’s gotta beat out Brendo and Skippy for a job first, which for us anticipating fans, is sorta like having to vote from a pool of John Kerry, George W. Bush and a bowl of potato salad.

Which one is the bowl of potato salad?  I’ll leave that up to you.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m still bitter, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 1: Hanley’s Lollipop… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo.jpg

Click me to listen!!!

The virgin voyage, y’all!

Okay, so you knew this was gonna happen eventually… just enjoy it.  We did!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff introduces Chicago rock phenom and avid Cubs fan, Johanna Mahmud to the RSBS family.   When not front-manning the intoxicating alt-rock group, Meqqa, Johanna manages to drink Jeff’s beer and fantasize about a team made up of twenty-five Alfonso Sorianos.  Okay.  That second part may be a lie… but this part ain’t: when these two guys start talkin’ baseball, it’s all fun and games.  Among the topics of discussion: Roy Oswalt’s bulldozer, Lou Piniella’s preggers look, the Brendan Ryan pornostache hysteria, Hanley’s lollipop and much, much more.

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and all-around sound guru.  He always knows where Ryne Sandberg is.  Always.

For more on Meqqa, please visit their website *CLICK ME!*

Recorded Saturday, May 22, 2010

Expos Jersey = Instant Notoriety

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 038.jpgI am not so full of myself that I believe everyone wanted
a piece of me during yesterday’s All-Star festivities; but wearing
throwback gear from a team long dead certainly gave me an edge.  As a
walking memory, representing Gary Carter, Andre Dawson and Delino
Deshields with porn ‘stache swagger, I was definitely drawing
attention.  Unfortunately, the security people holding me back at field
level, blocking my attempts at getting a word with Erin Andrews did not
find me as irresistible.

“I need to talk to Erin Andrews.” I told them with confidence.

“Why?”

“Because, it’s my destiny.”

“Get the hell outta here before I throw you the hell outta here.”

‘Nuff said.

Oh
well.  Had to keep my head up.  I was part of the Homerun Derby.  Busch
III was electric.  And despite all the partying, I was somehow still
alive.

The Derby?  Well, it was what I thought it’d be: very
exciting for the first half hour, then pretty boring after that. 
Several balls came close to us in our right field seats, but one guy –
the SAME GUY — caught two balls (one from Ryan Howard and one from Joe
Mauer) and after standing for the three hour event and being
shot down by Erin’s handlers before I even had a chance, I ended up
leaving Busch III ball-less… well, sorta.  Anyway, here are some pics
from Fanfest and the evening’s homerun contest.  Click on them for
closer view.

The ticket:

Thumbnail image for All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 001.jpg
Big Balls:

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 005.jpg

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 027.jpg
Three of the ten World Series trophies the Cardinals have brought home.  Read ‘em and weep, sCrUBBIE fans:

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 008.jpg
Me and Jackie’s duds:

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 011.jpgMy best impression of an irate Cub:

Thumbnail image for All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 026.jpgThe ‘Lou:

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 031.jpgSome random guy excited to see me… gee, I wonder why?

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 043.jpgThe view from our seats:

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 068.jpgConcentration or solace in my futile attempts at meeting Erin?

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 053.jpgJ.W. and I… still sober?  What’s wrong with this picture!?!?!

All Star Weekend 7.13.2009 066.jpgOkay, y’all.  I’m gearing
up for the big game tonight, Molina jersey on my back, praying the that
the National League doesn’t embarrass me… again.  This would be as good
a time as any for us to win this thing (not that I really care) and I
have a feeling I’ll have a better shot at meeting President Obama than
I will Ms. Andrews.

She doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m here, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Buzzing with Testosterone Fueled Accoutrements

lady killer.jpgI did it.  It’s done.  It’s bad^ss.

Keith Hernandez, say hello to the Lady Killer.

Gotta admit, since crafting the ‘stache, I creep myself out every time I catch my reflection, but I fit right in here at the All-Star festivities in St. Louis.  An old man in a Mets hat even asked me for my autograph (he thought I was Thomas E. Dewey until his caretaker reminded him that Dewey died in the early ’70s).  So I did the right thing, lied and told him I was Dewey’s son.

That was a stellar start to what turned out to be a pretty disappointing day. 

Because after only three outs were recorded in the Futures Game the sky turned black, thunder cracked and it rained… and rained… and rained…

A lot.

After walking the concourse for four hours, drinking my weight in beer and buying more overpriced All-Star trinkets than one person will ever need, me and my buddy decided to book.

So we met some friends, went to a bar and watched the Cardinals beat the Cubs.

Good friends, good game, good times.

And today is gonna get even better.  Admittedly, I’ve never been a fan of the Homerun Derby.  Watching it on TV is about as boring as watching Nascar: boring!  But I have a feeling that being there, in right field, in prime homerun territory, it’s going to be something to remember — especially if I snag some homers using the swagger and intimidation factor of my new accoutrement: the Lady Killer ‘stache.

Watch out!

In order that my aging father can find me easily during and camera shots of right field, I’ll be donning my 1980s era Montreal Expos jersey and cap — making this a special occasion indeed.

So here we go, folks… All-Star fun in full effect!  I will fight my way down to get a word with Erin… and in case you missed that Lady Killer, here are some more photos:

All Star Weekend 7.12.2009 009.jpg

The ticket for Sunday’s events was more entertaining than the actual Sunday events (which included mostly rain):

Thumbnail image for All Star Weekend 7.12.2009 006.jpgThe Stan Musial statue is quite stubborn and refuses to allow “FOX” to be shown in its entirety:

All Star Weekend 7.12.2009 010.jpgPirates prospect, Brad Lincoln, signs autographs while secretly pouting that he’s in the Pirates organization:

All Star Weekend 7.12.2009 027.jpgUS America rocked by St. Louis Cardinal hats… very cool:

All Star Weekend 7.12.2009 031.jpgA kid fighting to stay on his feet… and dry:

All Star Weekend 7.12.2009 037.jpgMe, rockin’ the ‘Spos cap with my friends Brian (left) and J.W. (right).  As I write this, Brian is heading out to Iraq for another tour.  Keep he and his family in your thoughts.

All Star Weekend 7.12.2009 041.jpgAlright y’all… hate me ‘cuz I’m gonna catch a homerun tonight, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right (even when I’m wrong).

Peace,

Jeff

All Hail the Porn ‘Stache King

keith hernandez smoking.jpgWhile the St. Louis Cardinals’ starting rotation enjoys the type of success only attributable to their communitarian growing of porn mustaches, I think it is paramount that we remember and tribute the original porn ‘stache advocate and universal party animal: Keith Barlow Hernandez.

Of course, odes to the mustachioed have long been a staple of the RSBS platform; yet singling out the lone ranger of ‘stache stylings has always seemed too daunting a task — yes, even for us, for how does one further praise the coolest man to ever wear a uniform without coming off as… er, weird?  Luckily, some smart guys with lots of time on their hands made a movie about him, and we proudly re-present it here.  It’s about 20 minutes long, so be prepared to go deep inside the awesomeness that is/was Keith Hernandez… and remember, the average cocaine high only lasts about 20 minutes, so you may want to plan accordingly:

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=4288854&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1

I’m Keith Hernandez from water&power on Vimeo.

Drugs are bad.  Porn ‘staches are good.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(*Special thanks to Hugging Harold Reynolds for bringing this film to our attention)

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