Results tagged ‘ President ’

A Pictorial History of the United States

America has given so much to the world.  This Friday, I want all of our readers to just sit back as RSBS leads you through the awsomeness that is American history.  We start, as is our wont, at the beginning….

George Washington: First in war, first in peace and first to tame a T-Rex

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Abraham Lincoln: Emancipated the slaves while fighting off our werewolf oppressors

lincoln_vs_werewolf.jpg

Teddy Roosevelt beat up the Filipinos, prevented forest fires then went out and killed Bigfoot

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Alan Trammel and Lou Whitaker: Bless you boys, ’nuff said

TRAMMELL-WHITAKER.jpgHappy Friday!  Get out there and enjoy the heck out of the weekend.

-A

A Tale of Two Ads

In the world of advertising, there are two popular ways to promote and/or sell one’s product.  One way, which isn’t recommended, is to be a real dick about it.  Ya know, start off by saying your opposition (or whoever really, doesn’t matter) is the worst… ever…. in history.  Then make some funny faces into the camera to make us forget that you’re the son of one of earth’s dumbest human beings.  Then, threaten violence.

Sorta like this:

Kinda lame, yeah? 

That’s because the product itself is lame (sorry, Arizona, but y’all are really failing me on your decisions of late).  Bottom advertising line: avoid lame products.

morgan freeman undercast.jpgBecause when the product is as awesome and as captivating and as moving as the hallowed RSBS Podcast, then the good vibes of promoting it just sorta roll out… naturally… on the interwebs and beyond, as is the case at UNDERCAST.  Go to this episode of UNDERCAST and listen to the sweet-@$$ commercial at the beginning (you’ll probably wanna listen to the rest of the show too, if you like enjoying life that is).

Q:  What’s Red State Blue State?

A:  It’s a podcast.  About baseball.  And other things.

Q:  What’s baseball!?!

A:  America’s pastime.

Q:  What’s America!?!?!

Ask yourself that question again, dear readers, and ask it often: What is America?

And how disturbed are you that part of it is going to be run by another Quayle?

Happy Friday!

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 5: Bonilla’s Bonus Button… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 3.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff, Al & that rock-n-rollin-Cub-lovin’ sage Johanna Mahmud take on all things ‘Merica, including (but not limited to) Rinku and Dinesh, Carlos Zambrano, The Hills (seriously? that happened?), the All-Star Game, the Lou
Piniella Mailbag and much,
much more… all to make you laughy-laughy!

Holla!

-
– -

Subscribe
to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe

via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  His Undercast
podcast is a must-listen (listen to it!).  It’s available on iTunes and
is posted regularly at Undercard

Films.

Recorded Monday, July 5, 2010

Merry Stras-mas!!!

Jeff and Allen Strasburg game 3.jpgBeing the unfettered baseball junkies that we are, we left the RSBS keys with the interns and headed out to Nationals Park on Friday night.  We had to see Stephen Strasburg for ourselves.

And this is what we learned:

President Obama has balls… showing up in a Sox hat

Allen hates the wave

Fair-weather Nats fans are led by a massive group of IBM consultants who can’t keep their mouths shut during the game

Allen hates IBM consultants who can’t keep their mouths shut during the
game

Stephen Strasburg’s ears ARE that big

Chili Cheese Half Smokes from Ben’s Chili Bowl = Good.  The day AFTER Chili Cheese Half Smokes from Ben’s Chili Bowl = NOT so good.

Friday night games at Nats Park always end with a kick@ss fireworks show

Allen hates fireworks

Merry Stras-mas!!!

“Daz Wha You Gonna Be!”

chicago aerial.jpgQuick! 

What’s black and blue and so p!ss drunk that it looks like a Philadelphia Flyers fan? 

If you answered the Cubs/Whitesox Crosstown Classic, then you are absolutely correct, dear reader!  Now, buy me a shot (and none of that buttery nipple nonsense; hit me with the Jameson)!

Verily, I love the Second City infighting.  Cubs.  White Sox.  Northside.  Southside.  Rotten GovernorsPresidents of the United States.  Whether both teams are playoff bound (2008) or just treading water til next April (2010), it is no secret that this intracity rivalry brings out the best — ahem — worst in human nature.

And that includes making baseball managers think they can rap.

Yep, just like last year (and the year before that), once your ears have been damaged by the following Sox/Cubs rap, the Chicago baseball bragging rights may officially be sought:

Don’t hate MC Sweet Lou and DJ Gui-licious… ‘cuz they’re right.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Unanimous & Unglamorous Consent

cardinal kid.jpgAs a young boy growing up in the middling middle-class of US America, my dreams were aplenty. 

In particular, I dreamed of a day when I would succeed as a professional baseball player.  Wearing the mask behind the plate, I envisioned catching the called third strike to win the World Series… rushing to the mound, hugging my pitcher, shouting til I lost my voice.

Seemed glamorous.

So too did aspiring to be a great leader.  Always the smooth talker with a penchant for spontaneous charm, I reckoned I had the skills to become a good politician. 

Neither dream became reality; and poor old me had to settle for co-writing a hit baseball blog. 

But that’s okay.

I mean, I still wish I could have lived out those Major League aspirations… but when it comes to politics, I couldn’t be happier that I eschewed it all the way. (Yeah, I just said ‘eschewed’. I like that word. Eschew. Say it with me. Eschew.)  Because to be honest, politics is boring as hell.  Oh sure, the Jack Kennedys and Bill Clintons and Ronald Reagans and Barack Obamas make it look flashy and fun and cool; but most of what goes on behind the political scene is as boring as Tommy Lasorda is fat.

A lot.

Of course, you wouldn’t know it by watching this clip, which just happens to be the most exciting exchange on the senate floor since Strom Thurmond admitted he still owned slaves.  Okay, he didn’t admit that, but he probably should have.

*Ahem*

Will the Senator from Connecticut please continue…

Zzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, sorry.  You’re still reading?  Cool.

So, what did we learn?  Franken is an ^ss.  McCain is old.  Lieberman is confused.  

Don’t hate me.  ‘Cuz I’m right.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

PS, Thanks so much for all the kind well wishes you sent me on my birthday. Much appreciated! Fist bumps all around!

2009: A Year in Review (Pt II)

Thumbnail image for RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpgEverybody knows that baseball is a team sport — a team
sport where success hinges on the individual’s performance.  If you
don’t believe me, just ask Walter Johnson… or Ernie Banks… or
Willie Mays Hayes.

Likewise, RSBS wouldn’t be RSBS without the BS
*ahem* — as in “Blue State”, represented in high definition by our
very own misanthropic Tiger fan, Mr. Allen Krause.  Yesterday, Mr.
Krause (who also happens to be one of my best friends in all the world)
adequately summed up 2009 as only RSBS can; and while he was at it, he kindly featured some of my better pieces from the year.

Well, dear readers, what fun is life without reciprocation?

There’s
no better way to wrap up the decade than to highlight my friend’s best
work… so let us take a gander at some real Krausian masterpieces!

2nd Honorable Mention:
Being There (Part 1Part 2)
Historic, epic, monumental… I like to believe that most people were
able to set their political affiliations aside while our nation’s grip
on racism slipped.  There will only be one first non-white
presidential inauguration and Allen Krause was there.  He lent us his
senses.  He gave us some play-by-play.  Then he rejoiced that the
“unwashed hordes” were finally leaving his city.  Bravo!

Honorable Mention:

Nietzsche Was Right
Pessimistic as he may be, Mr. Krause still knows how to hit a homerun. 
This has never been more evident than in his simple line:
“you should all know that god is dead and the devil has won.” 
Referencing the Ghostbusters alongside Colbert and Nietzsche
was just icing on the existentialist cake.

2nd Runner Up:
A-Rod at the Plate
If you ever feel like pissing Allen off, mention any one of these
things with high praise: Notre Dame, Glenn Beck, the Yankees, Bud
Selig… but if you really want to get him in a tizz, you should talk
up Alex Rodriguez.  Still, unlike most folks, Al has a savvy way of
chiding fallen poster-boys.  This parody of Casey at the Bat is, in a
word, brilliant.

1st Runner Up:

RSBS Presents: Your Health
Hi-effing-larious.  Dude.  Seriously.

And the number one Allen Krause penned piece of the year is…

A Magical Mystery Tour (Part 1 & Part 2)


This sultry trip through PED-opolis, Politicotopia and Pujols-ville may
have been a sneaky way of insulting my obsessions and undermining my
sexual orientation (Jesus Christ, I’m not GAY! I like chicks! YOU
UNDERSTAND?!?!)… but the idea of there even being a
Pujols-ville where Albert hangs out in a kiddie pool full of tapioca is
oddly titillating enough to make this my favorite (albeit two-parted)
post of the year.  I hope that doesn’t make me a sicko.

And with that, my good pal Al and I would like to thank you, dear
readers, for making 2009 a fantastic experience.  This community is all
about like-minded baseball lovers; and it wouldn’t be any fun with out
the tethered creativity of Princes, She-Fans, Ranters, Deconstructors,
Phanatics, Renegades and everyone else in between.

Much success to all of us in 2010!

Now, go get drunk!

Peace,

Jeff

**Please drink responsibly… y’know… don’t drive drunk… or kill anyone… or I’ll kick your ^ss**

The Filibuster

A-Rod finally has his ring and the Yankee faithful are overjoyed.
However, do you think there’s any chance that this will make him less
of a dill-hole? This is a guy who has dumped his wife, dated Madonna,
admitted to being a big fat liar and had somewhat major surgery in the
span of about one year. Does one ring atone for that?

Tamara
Cedarville, OH
____________________________________

alex rodriguez open mouth.jpgLike my mama always said, “Once a dill-hole, always a dill-hole.”

Okay, that’s a lie.  My mom doesn’t know what a dill-hole is (perhaps neither do I), but it doesn’t matter because it’s true.

Let us remember that.

But let us also remember that in professional sports, just as in politics, the most important question when evaluating merit will always be the same: What have you done for me, lately?

In Alex Rodriguez’s case, does it really matter that 9 months ago all we were talking about was his wayward romp in the world of performance enhancing drugs?  Does anyone remember that he flat-out lied to the press?  That he stained the game?  That he forced difficult discussions between parents and their children about the dangers of illegal substances and cheating the most sacred of US America‘s games?

No.  Of course not.  He led them to a World Series crown.  If Charles Manson hit .378 with 6 HR and 18 RBI during the playoffs, he too would be lifted up on the city’s shoulders, carted off to the tune of “27th Heaven” just like A-Rod was.

Because that is how the world works.

I don’t think ethnic Albanians in Kosovo really put too much thought into President Bill Clinton’s oval office sexual exploits when they erected their tributary bronze statue of him in Pristina recently.  He ended their persecution, man!  He knocked Serb forces out of the game by hitting in the clutch, with proverbial runners in scoring position!

Likewise, Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War!  Nevermind all the money and resources he threw at guerrilla specialists in Afghanistan (*ahem, Osam bin Laden, et al*) to fight the evil Soviet regime!  HE ENDED THE GODDAMN COLD WAR, MAN!

And let’s face it, folks: cold wars suck.  I think we can all agree on that.  To Yankees fans, an eight year absence from holding the highest position in the baseball cosmos had to feel a lot like a cold war, and like my mama always said: “character doesn’t mean s*** in love and war.”

Okay, that’s a lie.  She never said that.  But she might.  She’s got opinions.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

**PROGRAMING NOTE**

As is customary at RSBS, the Filibuster will be put on hiatus until pitchers and catchers report.  Very special thanks to all our dear readers who’ve bombarded us with Filibuster topics this season!  We’ll ask for them again in February!  Until then, please enjoy RSBS‘ continuing pursuit of the ironically fantastic and creatively eclectic.  You’ll be in for some real treats!  I’d almost bet my life on it!

The Filibuster

I know you guys are both baseball fans so you’re enjoying the drama of
the postseason but isn’t it hard for you to get into it when your team
is no longer in the running? Allen’s team choked and didn’t even make
it and Jeff’s team made it but then choked. I know it’s still baseball
and I know it’s still the playoffs but doesn’t it kind of take
something away when you’re watching as a fan of the game instead of as
a fan of a team in the game?

-Dakota
Ames, Iowa
____________________________________

shocked.jpgJust for today, I will put aside my pretentious baseball ego and do what politicians do: answer a question with a series of questions.  This is also what mathematicians call “proofing”; it’s what women I’ve dated call “being obtuse” — what I call “playing mind games.”

If your local pub didn’t offer a Maccallen 32 year, would you tell the bartender, “Nah, no Johnnie Walker for me, I’ll just have a soda water”?

After a long night of partying that has left your stomach growling for sustenance, would you not eat Taco Bell because it isn’t “authentic” Mexican cuisine?

If you couldn’t get behind either party’s presidential candidate because they both made promises they didn’t keep would you simply not vote for the lesser of evils?

On second thought, forget that last one.

Just know this: Baseball is baseball is baseball is baseball… and a couple weeks from now, I (and a whole lot of like-minded baseball nerds) are going to be suffering from a supreme lack of entertainment.  This will be when I start looping the 1982 and 2006 Commemorative World Series DVDs; when I reread Tim McCarver’s Baseball for Brain Surgeons; when I pop in the VHS tape of Morris v. Smoltz — Game 7 of the 1991 Fall Classic — and salivate over every pitch, even though I already know what’s coming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah… it’s too bad my (our) team(s) isn’t (aren’t) in contention.  Boo hoo.  But baseball is the religion, the individual teams merely saints.  I can live without my saint but not without my religion; and you can bet that those who follow the religion of baseball (thoroughly) are way more wacky than any suicidal jihadist or hypocritical evangelical.

And yes, I do see a therapist about this… from time to time.

Hate me ‘cuz I teeter on the cliff of instability, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***IMPORTANT PROGRAMING NOTE***

Suggested to us by the always hilarious Jonestein at BABL, Mr. Krause and I will be competing in a World Series Metaphor Competition — a Metaphor-Off… yeah, let’s call it that

Why?  ‘Cuz we can.  And we will.

But we need your help! 
As you know, Al and I champion ourselves as masters of the meandering
metaphor; and we need your suggestions.  What do you want to see
metaphorized?  (Yes, that’s a word. I made it up.)  It could be
something as simple as an individual player, a team, a rule, a concept,
whatever.  We want your ideas.  Email us at kraulung@gmail.com, Twitter us at @RSBS
or kindly comment on a post with your suggestion.  After selecting a
trio of your topics, Mr. Krause and I will then post our metaphors
during the World Series and YOU the reader will vote for the winner in
this best of three competition.

Don’t just sit there…. suggest, suggest, suggest!

I’m Not a Player, I Just Get Crushed A Lot

kourtney kardashian bikini.jpgWhile on the subject of tragically sweeping heartache, I guess by now everybody knows that Kourtney Kardashian is preggers with that toolbox Scott Something-or-Other’s kid, once again dashing my dreams of landing her on my “fantasy team” and rendering one of the hottest (and dumbest) free agents officially off the market.

Great.  Just great.  First some spazzbot ruined any chance I had at “getting close” to Erin Andrews by sneaking into her hotel room… and now this?

Ugh.

Still, dear readers, let us remember that it is often in the worst of times that we find the truest and simplest joys in life.  Sure, the Cardinals got swept in the NLDS.  But hey, we’re not the Cubs!  True, President Obama hasn’t solved US America’s economic crisis… or the health care crisis… or, well, any crisis.  But hey, he’s not George W. Bush!  And well, okay, Kourtney’s probably not gonna have my baby now.  But hey, at least I’ll never have to face the awful task of actually listening to her talk for any length of time!

Not that I would have anyway, ‘cuz, well, y’know, hers is one of the most annoying voices “like um, y’know, like, ever or whatever.”  I’m just sayin…

There are worse things in life, people.  And besides, there’s always Kim… as long as you don’t mind three-ways with Reggie Bush.

I think I’ll leave that opportunity to Mr. Krause.  He’s always been the adventure half of RSBS.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m sly, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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