Results tagged ‘ Primaries ’

What’s Wrong With Iowa?

Iowa has given us a reason to be afraid.  Very afraid.  It’s not just that people refuse to vote for Mitt Romney because he’s….*gasp*….a politician!  It’s that in their pursuit of anyone-but-Romney, they bounce from one increasingly insane option to the next.  Bachmann, Cain, Gingrich.  They’re all crazy in their own way but it’s a generally harmless crazy because they’re ultimately cartoons.

But Iowa…..?

Iowa just gave us a new kind of crazy, a crazy that’s scary because it actually believes what it says.  It’s the kind of crazy that gave us the Crusades and the Salem witch trials.  It’s a crazy that earnestly stares you in the eyes and tells you that it cares about you while inserting a knife between your ribs and watching the life drain out of you.  And it means every word it says.

As America woke up the day after the Iowa caucuses, I’m sure a fair amount of people scratched their heads and wondered who exactly this Rick Santorum guy is.  And the truth is, Santorum is still defining himself…although it seems pretty clear that he’s not the sort of guy who’ll just happily let you live your life the way you see fit.

I’m hopeful that the Republican flirtation with Santorum will last about as long as a Pittsburgh Pirates’ playoff run.  And considering that the good people of the state of Pennsylvania turned him out by an 18% margin in his last Senate contest, he obviously has some downside.  But in the meantime, let’s just try to focus on what Santorum’s presence means to the realm of comedic headlines. (If you don’t get why this headline is funny, go to google, enter “santorum” in the search box and scroll down until you understand.)

-A

A High Priest in Tweed

A lot of baseball purists hate Bill James.  By attempting to intellectualize aspects of a game that had up until then been left to “experts” who used their gut feelings to lead teams in one direction or another, James sought to overturn baseball orthodoxy.  These experts/purists/fundamentalists hate James because they no longer get to employ their mystical powers to direct the religion of baseball.

This should hardly come as a surprise, though.  Baseball is a uniquely American sport and Americans are uniquely anti-intellectual.  It only makes sense that a group of people who disparage America’s professors and other learned people would also disparage someone who tries to apply reason and science to America’s pastime.

But those who hate intellectuals the most are also those who fear them the most.  The old school scouts hated James because his emphasis on the quantifiable aspects of baseball undermined their previously hallowed positions as arbiters of all things baseball.  They feared losing their previously sacrosanct positions so these high priests of the game had to evolve or risk becoming irrelevant.

Something similar is taking place in the Republican party today.  The party of belligerent anti-intellectualism has somehow embraced a self-styled intellectual as their new savior.  The truth, though, hides a little deeper in the phenomenon.  Newt, intellectual that he claims to be, brings nothing new to the game.  He’s merely a priest dressed up in the trappings of an intellectual but he uses this affectation to scare his flock into believing what sounds intellectual to them.  Newt is riding high on this image but hopefully his new religion will soon follow the same path as the baseball scout’s “sure thing” and the Contract With America.

-A

Brokeback Redux

When something like this happens:

It’s funny to think that maybe this was happening behind the scenes:

But most likely it’s closer to this:

I predict that within six months Perry’s secret male lover will no longer be able to hold his tongue.  Let’s just call it a hunch.

-A

The Kyle Farnsworth of Politics

In a stunning turn of events, Herman Cain will not be the next President of the United States.  In other news, snorting pixie sticks will not get you high.  The one thing that these two items have in common is that a lot of people should have seen it coming before trying it out.

So now it’s Gingrich.  Oh right, and Romney.  It’s like the longest and most asinine game of musical chairs ever.  The only problem is that instead of removing a chair each time, they just substitute a person and make them keep playing.  Please, can we just make it stop and give Romney the nomination?  I know you don’t like him and I know you are afraid the Mormons are going to steal your children but there’s something to be said for having a candidate who’s actually qualified to run.  What’s next, Palin redux?

The real issue is that the Republicans are so adverse to nominating Romney that they treat every new challenger like how MLB treats Kyle Farnsworth.  “Well, we didn’t like him before and he hasn’t really done much but he sure looks good on paper.  Eh, what the hell.  Let’s give him a shot.”  And, just like the Republican challengers, you find yourself wondering a month or two later what you possibly could have been thinking.  And, of course, like any circle of abuse, you convince yourself that you’ll never let it happen again…

…At least not until next year when you’re looking for a middle reliever (presidential candidate) and notice that Farnsworth (Gingrich) is on the market….

-A

Let’s Get Real

There are only two serious contenders for the Republican presidential nomination.  Ok, let me rephrase.  There are only two contenders for the Republican presidential nomination who should be taken seriously.  And yet somehow, the polls see the Republicans bouncing from one disaster to the next.  Is Mormonism really so bad that you’d prefer Herman Cain?

Because let’s face it, there are only two guys who could win a general election.  Obama may be down for the moment but he’s got a year and he also has a formidable machine.  Without actual ideas, the challengers aren’t going to get very far.

Let me try to explain this in other terms.  Obama is the St. Louis Cardinals in August.  In August, even Jeff knew the Cardinals were toast and should start looking at their chances for the next season.  Two months later, they head home as World Series champions.  That’s Obama.

If you want to beat that, you better have a realistic alternative.  And just for the record, “9-9-9″ is not a realistic alternative nor is a twice-divorced has-been looking for a comeback.  Realistic is having run the U.S. Embassy in China.  Realistic is making universal health care palatable to both sides of the aisle.  Realistic is Huntsman or Romney and unless the Republicans realize that soon, realistic is also an Obama win in 2012.

-A

Allen’s 2011 Post-Partisan Playoff Preview

Continuing a long-standing tradition here at this nearly four-year old blog, I wanted to take this opportunity to weigh in on both the MLB playoffs and the Republican primary race in a familiar format.  I had a couple thoughts about how to approach this and I really wanted to go with the early front-runner, comparing the Republican candidates to different pizza chains.  It kind of made sense with Herman Cain in the race and fittingly enough the Godfather’s Pizza of the race as well (i.e. what the hell is Godfather’s Pizza/Herman Cain).  It also allowed for the Jon Huntsman-Chicago Pizza Kitchen analogy with both being the best possible option but too few people having heard of either.

C’est la vie.

The pizza analogy had to go away, though, because just as there are only four teams left in the playoffs, there are only four candidates with the possibility of becoming the Republican nominee and that lines up much more neatly.

On one side we have the two front-runners, the American League of the nominees.  The Rangers play the role of Romney, denied their glory the last time out and hell-bent to make up for it this time around.  They’re strong fundamentally but they just can’t seem to put it together.  Sure, they shut down Rays in the first round but even though they look good, you just can’t be sure they’ll hold on through the end.

Meanwhile, the Tigers bear more than a passing resemblance to Rick Perry.  They were quiet for the first half of the season but when they finally decided to get in the race, they did it with a bang.  At one point, riding a 12-win streak, they seemed nearly invincible.  The bang has gone away, though, and now they more just seem banged up with injuries taking a toll.  They could both pull it out and they both have something to prove but the goal seems a little more elusive than it did just a few weeks ago.

Over on the National League side, we have the “non-traditional” candidates.  For instance, the Cardinals, just like Herman Cain, came out of nowhere and now are turning heads.  Tell me the truth, at the beginning of September would you have given either the Cards or Cain a snowball’s chance in hell?  But here we are in mid-October and both are not only making waves but also making people think they’re for real.

The Brewers?  Well, you just never know what you’re going to get with the Brewers.  One day they’re Ron Paul, the next they’re Michele Bachmann, then they look like Newt Gingrich, and…..well, you get the idea.  The Brewers have a serious multiple personality disorder.  They looked fabulous against the Diamondbacks and then dropped two straight.  They mopped up the field with the Cards in game 1 of the NLCS then looked like amateurs in game 2.

So where does that leave us?  Well, here are my predictions.  I think the Rangers and Romney roll the Tigers/Perry duo to face the Cards and Cain in a winner-take-all final.  But the Republicans are the party of tradition and waiting your turn.  They nominated McCain the last time around after he finished second to GB Jr. and this time it’s all about the man McCain vanquished.  You read it here first.  Romney gets the nod.  Just make sure you check back in a year when the next edition of Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview picks the winners and losers in both the playoffs and the Presidential Election.

-A

Five Things You Need to Know NOW

The world moves faster now than it did just decade ago.  In fact, while writing that last sentence, I lost two bets, texted a girl without using my fingers and imagined an elaborate Broadway staging of my favorite Bukowski quote.

So naturally, it would be easy to miss out on some important informational nuggets throughout the day.  But do not fear.  The RSBS interns have been hard at work to bring you these five things you NEED to know NOW:

1.  Rick Perry Is Insane
You didn’t have to watch the *YAWN* GOP debate last night to know that.  All you need to know is that he truly believes setting aside an entire day for his state leaders to focus on talking to their imaginary friend is an acceptable way of tackling Texas’ problems.  Um… please, someone tell me that being “delusional” makes one unelectable in a general election???

2.  MLB Playoff Changes Are a Comin’
If today was September 8, 2012, the Cardinals, Giants and Rays would all still be fighting like hobos for the last drop of playoff wine.  Generally speaking, I don’t like change; but to be fair, this seems imminent and fitting. I give it my blessing.  VOILA!

3.  Mr. Krause’s Retort Is Weak
In his most recent attempt to derail my celebratory allegiance to Liberty, he wrote: “I don’t have time to go back and correct all of his logical and factual fallacies one by one,” which is Big Government Liberal speak for: “I don’t know how to slip that dude’s jab-jab-right hook-left cross combination so let me try and talk around it.”  Just sayin’!

4.  John Smoltz Is Awesome… At Everything
He was a bad@$$ mound maestro during his playing days.  He also was/is one hell of a golfer — good enough to, at one point, even consider going pro.  And after listening to him in the broadcast booth as the color commentator on an entire season’s worth of games, I gotta say: Smoltz is one hell of a broadcaster.  With a Hall of Fame baseball acumen, superior poise and uncanny timing, he definitely warrants kicking Tim McCarver’s dusty rump aside.

And finally…

5.  The Astros Will Be Going to the American League
Don’t worry.  No one will probably even notice.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Mark it Zero

In all the hullabaloo surrounding the oil spill in the gulf, the Gore’s divorce and the hopefully inevitable end to the basketball season, you might be losing track of other important happenings around the nation.  No, I’m not talking about baseball season (although that is pretty important).  Rather, I’m talking about the heating up of political rhetoric as we plow through the primary season in preparation for this fall’s midterms.

Sure, most of the hubbub is about Obama and how his policies and actions will fare with the electorate.  But let’s not forget other equally important regional races.  For instance, did you know that the Alabama Agricultural Commissioner controls 5 billion dollars?  If you didn’t before, you will after watching this:

Of course, you now also know that this guy is out of his freakin’ gourd.

You are about to enter a world of pain.

-A

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 66 other followers