Results tagged ‘ Rants ’
Believe me, Philly Phans, I pheel ya. As a Cardinals phan and White Sox supporter, I know phirst-hand what exuberance and exaltation comes with celebrating a World Series championship. Indeed, it’s so ecstatically mind-blowing that one can easily phathom losing all sense of grammatic aptitude and phonetic inpherence.
I’m just sayin’… enouph is enouph.
Because, yeah, we get it.
We understand that the Philly “Ph” is phun to insert into newspaper headlines and crawler teasers phrom the major news organizations. We understand that, phor Philly phans who have had nothing to cheer phor during the last twenty some odd years, that this is a big phriggin’ deal and you want to make some noise. We understand that up until that last out was recorded, yours was as phormidable a task as you could possibly phathom and that phear of being unable to phinish would always be phound in the back of your mind.
We’re just tired of it.
Jump up and down. Knock a few back. Celebrate to your hearts’ content.
Just cool it with the dumb bastardization of the English language, please.
And make sure you get all the partying in before Tuesday, November 4th; because on that day my city, my home, my people will be the center of the world.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
— Albert Einstein (or those guys at A.A. meetings)
So why do I do it? Why do I continue to support the Chicago Tribune despite their undeniable penchant for making my fair city a cesspool of inferior journalism and third-rate hack reportage that totally alienates those who enjoy reading actual news? Haven’t I broken enough household items over the garbage printed in the Tribune’s sports section? Haven’t I put enough holes in the walls of my apartment? Haven’t I lost my voice enough screaming over this insanity!?!
As if the Trib’s article — printed the day after Opening Day — touting Kosuke Fukudome as a perennial all-star MVP candidate who would most definitely serve as the secret weapon that would get the Cubs a ring wasn’t ludicrous enough. As if the Trib’s full-page special promotion of a book they co-published titled This Is the Year to commemorate the Cubs’ so called “historic 2008 season” before they even played ONE playoff game wasn’t outrageous enough.
No. They just couldn’t stop themselves from making me hate them more and more and more…
As if there wasn’t a World Series going on starring the Philadelphia Phillies and Tampa Bay Rays, the Tribune decided it’d be a great idea to fill precious space on the sports section’s front page with a preposterously pathetic pipedream of an article by Mike Downey called: Cubs Against Rays: The Series to Die For.
Excuse me while I puke.
Is this news? Really? Come on! Get a grip, Tribune! You seriously pay this guy to sit around and think up fairytale scenarios that would feature the Cubs in the World Series while there is indeed a very important WORLD SERIES taking place right NOW?!? Wake up! The Cubs are dead. They’ve been dead. And they ain’t comin’ back to life!
I want to pick up my local newspaper and read about the important things going on in the world — not the private fantasies of Cub fans who just can’t seem to let GO. Apparently my cries, my letters to the editor, my raving rants — all of which have been vehemently directed at the Chicago Tribune and its sub-par sports-writing staff — have been ignored.
But for those of you keeping score at home, please know the following:
1) Kosuke Fukudome? MVP my ^ss.
2) This Is the Year? My local CVS had piles of these strewn about randomly throughout the store with signs saying “FREE” and “PLEASE TAKE ONE” and “MAKES GOOD KINDLING”. I live on the Southside.
3) Sorry, Mr. Downey. Your article is crap.
Oh, and by the way, you might want to pay attention to the real World Series (which the Cubs are not a part of). As Anita, from the hit Broadway musical West Side Story, once said: Smoke on your pipe and put THAT in!
And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
As a man of the People, I am not adverse to opening up myself to the other side — to hear what the opposition has to say, to understand their positions and to really look at the world from their points of view. This willingness towards transparency is a fundamental step in creating good policy; and quite frankly, such idealistic strides are what makes being an US American so special.
That being said, even I have my limits. Rude, callous and hurtful remarks defaming my dear mother are not only uncalled for, they’re sophomoric and as I have said here before, I refuse to acknowledge any like correspondences.
Well, finally, this freakazoid (who won’t tell me his name) left my mother out of his hateful emails, so I thought, why not post some snippets here to show the dear readers just what kind of nutcase I have to deal with on a daily basis. He hides behind a computer, masked by the interweb; I know him only as:
…and he is absolutely chock full of misguided wrath.
Again, I receive a lot of hate mail; and that’s totally fine. I enjoy it — welcome it actually — but this guy is so off-the-charts that I might sleep better if he just disappeared. In fact, this vigilante posting of mine is done in part because I’d like to leave a record of his nastiness — just in case I happen to disappear myself.
Remember, this is just a small sampling. I have edited nothing accept expletives (there are a lot, so hang in there) and though I may have taken some liberties in what sections I’ve shared below, I assure you nothing has been added or deleted that would distort the integrity or purpose of the emails themselves.
– – –
Monday, June 30, 2008
“…Why dont you write me back you f****** ***hole? You know the cubs will kill you guys in any day or time. you dont even know how to write man prolly coz your a b*****. i bet you cry in your bed at night wishin you had something to look forward to haha lol or are you just another f****** f*g like all the other cardnl fans i know…”
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
“…hey f** boy f*** you and f*** albert pujols. pooholes. lol what a f****** f****t name in the first place you peace of s***. no one reads your f****** blog coz its stupid and dumb and you dont even know how to write it. i rotfl coz every time i think about how jthe cardnals s**k so bad i think your prolly crying about it like a little b****…”
Thursday, July 3, 2008
“something we can all appreciate? im a stats guy and i know that you cant even tell the diffrence between a f****** win and a loss. when was the last time the sox even won a world series? so what the cards won one f****** time this decade. you f*g* and b*****s are sox fans thats why no one goes to the games coz their scared to see them and gangbangers all at the sox park. and albert pujols is a juicer too and you know it if you dont say you do you lie like you do every day on your stupid retarded blog. everyone knows it why do you think they are behind the cubs now. i can prolly kick your a** so just do it. you wanna throw? come to division and clybourn any day of the week and meet a real f****** man!!! hahaahha. prolly couldnt find it write if u wanted to. i f****** hate s***for brains cardinal fans. especially you do you even know the cubs are in first or yare you blind. right. cant read ib et too. if the world series was today who woudl f****** be there? if its today we already won the whole f****** thing your prolly crying like a b****!!! id burn you and you cant stop it!!!!!”
Sunday, July 6, 2008
“hahahhahah. number five my a**. whod you hafta bl** to get that you b****. like anybody even reads your blog what a stupid belief. mr. this and mr. that you think you oh so f****** tough and smart you say but you say it like f****** peace of s*** and well your not smart and i would beat the s*** out of you for the stupid things you say which arent even true…”
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
“lol that you could even think about getting erin andrews you b**** theres no way shed go for you who wares f****** glasses. you think you know what to even do with a girl like that you think she wants to here your stupid f****** bulls*** p**** *ss stories that arent even true? your righting is not even as good as f****** kid could do it. when lou gets his ring again its not gonna just be one lame *ss ring like boozer larussa who got drunk and drove a car and fell asleep like the b**** he is lou will get back to back to back rings at least and thats if z leaves. if he stays then you can bet we will get even more and youll be crying like the b**** you are f*g bob howry would kill you with his fastball and i know for f******* sure coz he knows me from mesa every year i go he saw me at applebees and talked so f*** you and there i told you you dont know s*** about baseball…”
– – –
So there you have it, folks. A brief snapshot of the lovely, uplifting, always poetic words from cubluvr1995. My best guess makes him a pimply faced, braces-wearing, fat kid who has no life outside of Halo, X-men comics and Red Bull.
Maybe now that I’ve acknowledged his “grievances” and shared them with the public, he’ll finally leave me alone.
But I am prepared that he probably won’t. He hates me. He hates because he knows I’m right… and it’s killing him.
This is to you and you only, Mr. Krause: You’re absolutely nuts. You’re absolutely nuts, and you’re absolutely wrong. You’re absolutely nuts, you’re absolutely wrong and your most recent post is absolutely embarrassing.
I have given you a pass on the dumb things that have come out of your posts before — sometimes I merely chided you and sometimes I partook in a bit of playful teasing; but like Hillary and her ill-timed reference to Bobby Kennedy’s June primary assassination, this time, you have gone too far, Al.
And you must suffer the consequences.
When asked if hitting .400 was an unreachable goal, you responded with such infantile and insane statements like:
“…the answer is yes, hitting .400 is an unreachable goal today. There
is so much that goes into just simply getting a hit, a guy who can hit
.300 or better is a catch. I mean, first of all you have to make
contact with balls that are coming at crazy speeds and crazy angles and
then you have to put it into a place where a fielder is not. In the
game today, managers and players alike do their homework and
positioning makes it that much harder to get a decent hit.”
REBUTTAL: You answered the question. I’ll give you that. But your reasoning is reminiscent of George W. in that it’s straight out of Crazytown. ‘Crazy speeds and crazy angles‘? Seriously? The game of baseball (especially this aspect) has changed very little in the last 100 years, Al. ‘You have to put it into a place where a fielder is not‘? Again, since the inception of baseball this has always been the case. Do you even watch baseball? Do you know how it’s played? Have you ever played yourself?
“But the fact of the matter is that the level of competition day in and
day out in the Majors is much greater than it was back when Ted
Williams was scattering the ball all over the field. Besides, he also
froze his head so he can try to come back one day. Only someone who’s
that kind of crazy has a chance at .400.”
REBUTTAL: Really? So you’re saying that when Ted Williams hit .406 in 1941 — when there were just 16 teams in all of Major League Baseball — that the level of competition was less than it is now in 2008? You are aware that there are 30 teams in Major League Baseball now, right? You are aware that nowadays, guys like Geoff Jenkins and Sean Casey and Boof Bonser make it to the majors where as in 1941, they’d be lucky to catch the game on the radio while working at the local laundromat, right? And I’m quite sure that Rogers Hornsby and Ty Cobb didn’t have their heads frozen or anything like that, yet they managed to hit .400 and guess what: they’re Hall of Famers too!
“…the more important matter is what does it matter if someone hits .400?”
REBUTTAL: It matters, Mr. Krause, for the same reason that it matters if someone hits over 60 homers, or hits safely in 56 consecutive games, or gets over 200 hits in a season or steals 100 bases. It matters because it’s really friggin’ hard to do, man! Come on! Get a grip! We’re talking about hitting .400 here, not hitting for a cycle or some arbitrary numbers-related coincidence. Only 33 players in the history of MLB have ever hit over .400 for a season! And no one — I said NO ONE — has done it since 1941! Ty Cobb, Ted Williams, Rogers Hornsby, George Sisler, Joe Jackson… I’d say those names are pretty synonymous with baseball greatness. Again, do you even watch baseball, Allen?
In conclusion, you wrote this:
“No, I don’t think .400 is an achievable goal but I also don’t think
it’s all that important. And that’s all I have to say about that.”
Fine. You’re definitely entitled to your opinion — as wrong as they often are — that it is ultimately an unachievable goal. Who knows, you might even be right. It still seems that the 56 game hitting streak is unrepeatable, so maybe hitting .400 is too. But to say that it is unimportant is absolute blasphemy, heresy, sacrilege. It is disrespectful of the greatest game on earth and the good people (me) who follow it to the nerdiest degree.
Hitting .400 is certainly important, Al.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
There are a lot of things at U.S. Cellular Field (aka The Joan) that have the potential to creep me out: that feeling of loss I get after spending fifty bucks on seven Miller Lites and never catching a buzz; that strange foot tapping from the stall next to me in the men’s room; that chili-cheese nacho induced sleep-stopping jolt of fear at four in the morning. Yeah. Sure. There is no doubt that these situations can freak me out a little bit, but when it comes right down to it, they could just as easily happen in any ballpark in Anywhere, USA.
However, to my knowledge, the good folks at The Joan really do know how to go above and beyond in the ‘creepy’ department. They have proven that they can not only freak out children, but adults as well and force all those in attendance to shake off the willies every time a White Sox batter comes to the plate.
The stands have eyes.
On the lip of the grandstands that wrap around from the left field foul pole, behind home plate, and back out to right, is a thin video board that most parks use for advertising or god forbid: scores, balls and strikes, pitch counts, radar gun, etc. In fact, when the visiting team is hitting, they tend to throw some of those arbitrary numbers up there. But when the Sox are hitting? No way. Why is that?
The stands have eyes.
And it’s not just a photograph of the players’ eyes. No. It’s an approximately sixty second looping video complete with blinks, scowls, crud, tears, whatever. If you want to see the batter’s cheesy press photo, his stats, interesting notes about his childhood, check the center field scoreboard. If you want to get that creepy, icky, dirty feeling of being watched and in the process get distracted from what’s actually happening on the field so that when Thome hits a racing foul ball right towards you (‘cuz he wouldn’t hit one fair) you’re not paying attention, consequently get hit in the orbital socket, bleed out, make a scene and die… then keep looking at those damn eyes.
And just because you’re dead is not an excuse to hate me ‘cuz I’m right…
The friggin’ stands have eyes! Look!
Does Ozzie Guillen get a little nutso sometimes and say things he probably shouldn’t?
Does Ozzie Guillen need to be quarantined from the press after a tough loss (or three)?
But let me tell ya, folks, a world without Ozzie Guillen is just unfathomable. For Southsiders like myself, a Guillen quote is as close a reminder of home as Connie’s Pizza or Ramova’s Grill or a drive-by shooting. And believe me, as much as I am oft to disagree with the psychology of Ozzie’s wild rants, I must admit to finding them oddly soothing and curiously pleasant.
There is definitely something to be said for being in the spotlight and not giving two s**ts what anyone else says or thinks about you, what you say and the way you go about your job. I admire that.
And I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that Ozzie’s tirades didn’t make me laugh. I only wish my boss was as understanding as Kenny Williams (click *here* for Tribune article). Imagine if I came in to work tomorrow and said: “What? Our summer catalogue isn’t finished yet? Susie Q didn’t set the templates? What? She used that friggin’ Trajan font again for the Chinese neolithic pottery section!?! What do you mean John Doe didn’t translate the bronze inscriptions from running script to seal script!?! I expect the boss-man to do [bleep] something Tuesday, and if we don’t do [bleep] anything Tuesday, there are going to be a lot of [bleep]
changes in this Asian art gallery! The book gallery too! [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] heads will roll!”
On Chicago Cub Rich Hill:
“Who is Hill? That piece of [bleep] who pitched? Michael [Barrett]
realized he was wrong [in punching Pierzynski]. Michael realized he
“But that little [bleep] Hill, he should be in Triple-A. He is going to
make Dusty Baker get fired. Shut up, you just got here in the big
leagues. When you make a comment like that, it was a cheap shot. You
don’t know the game.”
On Jay Mariotti:
“He’s a garbage.He’s always been a garbage.And he will die a garbage.”
On whether his children were involved in the Cubs/Sox brawl in May 2006:
“If my kids were on the field, [they were] going to get [their rear
end] kicked. What’s Ozzie [Jr.] going to do? Eat
somebody. My other one is 20 pounds and the other one is only 14.
“One is a baby, one is too little, another one, the only thing he can do is eat somebody or drink somebody.”
And if that isn’t enough folks, check out this Youtube post featuring a love-filled conversation between AM 670 The Score’s Mike North and Ozzie himself last year. While you listen/watch, realize that sure, Ozzie can be awful but he could always be worse. I mean, he could be Bill O’Reilly or god forbid Howard Dean. In any case, when reviewing this material, you can hate me, you can hate Ozzie, but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right: the world needs Ozzie Guillen and his lunacy.
…the following is all True:
This is NOT the Cubs’ Year
If you read the Chicago Tribune you might be confused. Sure, the Second City would like nothing more than to see a Windy City Classic in October, but let me tell ya, it ain’t gonna happen. At least, it ain’t gonna happen on the north side. Racist t-shirt sales, urine trough diving fans, beer bottle throwing contests and blasphemous predictions from bench riders like Ronny Cedeno prove that a team as destined for Ultimate Failure has no chance. They may make a run, but in the end, that goat is still pissed off.
Carlos Quentin Should Be an All-Star
BA .299 HR 14 RBI 48 OBP .402
Not to mention, the man is the offensive spark in an otherwise underachieving lineup. Sox are in first. ‘Nuff said.
Florida and Michigan Delegates are Negligible
If you break the rules, there are consequences. (See Pete Rose)
No Matter What, R. Kelly Is Still a Sick, Sick Man
Who waives his right to a speedy trial? Who makes a serial R&B opera using the same melody over and over again that is so ridiculously far fetched (including midgets and flatulence) that one can’t help but laugh hysterically throughout viewing it? Who pees on another human being? Seriously, guilty or not, the man is a sicko. (At the same time, I must admit, I have seen Trapped in the Closet in its entirety more than five times.)
The St. Louis Cardinals Are In This for the Long Haul
They’re good. They’re young. They’re hungry. They’re determined.
They aren’t going away.
Hillary Won’t Win the Popular Vote
She won’t. She’s not as popular. That’s all there is to it. However, I have been wrong once, and if the gods so choose that it happen again, I can assure you that it still won’t matter. (See Al Gore 2000 General Election)
It’s the End of May and the Detroit Tigers Still Su<k
At 22-31, these guys sure are the poster-children for overspending underachievement. In fact, they might just be the new Yankees. Their situation can be easily reenacted at home by taking $1,000 cash, lighting it on fire and then flushing the ashes down the toilet.
Mr. Allen Krause Is Still Not Off the Hook
This is where I chide Allen for not being a major player at RSBS. This is where I tell him that he should write more posts. This is where I tell him he should put down the Arabic language books and pick up the friggin’ sports section and get involved!
Contrary to Popular Belief, Billy Beane Is Not Gay; Billy Bean Is Gay
Two different men (both former baseball players), two different sexual preferences. Billy Beane, the infamous moneyball G.M. of the Oakland A’s: NOT GAY. Billy Bean, the infamous whistleblower on gay antics inside the Tigers’, Dodgers’ and Padres’ locker rooms: IS GAY. Different Billys, different Bean(e)(s).
Bill O’Reilly Is an Awful Human Being
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right…
Yes, the sky is falling. Pitcher Micah Owings pinch-hit a dramatic, game-tying homerun; Reverend Wright seems determined to ruin his own agenda and the agenda of Hope politicians en masse; Ronny Cedeno joined Ryan Dempster in predicting a World Series appearance for the sCrUBS; Hillary is still in the race; Roger Clemens can’t get away from his tainted past; Bill O’Reilly is still on the air; the Cardinals — winners of an NL best 10 World Series championships — have won more games in April (18) than they have in any season previous and the media still ignores them; I have watched An Inconvenient Truth five times this week; Albert Pujols has reached base in every game so far this season — every game; and my MLBlog partner Allen Krause — a future ambassador for US Americans to the world — wrote something that the most seasoned grammarian could not even begin to understand:
“The closest thing I could come up with is that the enemy of the enemy
of my friend is my friend. But, that’s a pretty tenuous connection.”
— The Enemy of the Enemy of My Friend? April 29, 2008
Tenuous? Maybe, if we could understand it. Enemy of the enemy of my friend? You were watching a Cubs/Nats game. There was only one enemy (Cubs) of your friend (Me). The enemy of the enemy of your friend would be the Cardinals? But they weren’t even playing. The enemy of the enemy of your friend is your friend? Is this the type of head-spinning verbal ping-pongy misspeak my taxes are paying to teach you? Just for that, they should give me a $600 refund every year.
So since you brought it up, Al (or at least it I think you did), let me talk about the Cubs for a second. Please know that my purpose is not to turn Red State Blue State into an all-out Cub-bashing forum. I am smart enough (see Fulbright Scholar for more info) to realize that the Cubs have put together a solid team this year. But for Sports Illustrated editors to plaster “It’s Gonna Happen” on the cover and a tag line that says: “Fukudome can end the 100-year wait”?
Excuse me while I go puke.
Fukudome can do it? Really? All by himself? He’s the key? Really? What about shoddy defense and crappy pitching? That’s what usually loses it for the Cubs. They’ve been fielding big bats for a long time. Lee, Ramirez, Soriano. How is Fukudome going to come in and save a bullpen infamous for choking late in the game? How is Fukudome going to stop some guy in the left field line seats from going for a foul-ball? How will he then stop the lynching by drunken crazies? Fukudome isn’t the answer and he never has been.
And oh yeah, we’re only at the end of April, and the Cubs aren’t the best team in baseball right now so let’s start talking about them winning a World Series already. Yeah, that’d be prudent. Put it on the front page of a sports authority magazine and PRINT IT!
Even more unbelievable is the fact that Chicago Tribune writer Rick Morrissey finally acknowledged that Cub fans might just be as obnoxious as everyone knows they are in this titillating article. My favorite part is where Morrissey says: “It’s not always the family atmosphere the organization says it seeks.”
Really? You mean cornering a guy wearing the opposing team’s jersey in the bathroom and bashing his head on a urinal isn’t what the organization seeks? You mean Cub fans jumping the wall to attack their own pitchers isn’t desirable? What about throwing beer bottles at right fielders? Is that conducive to a family environment? Thank the gods someone in Chicago (other than me — who can admittedly be a bit overbearing at times) recognizes the ridiculous frat party that Wrigleyville becomes during games. I mean, these are the same family-focussed folks who brought us the “Cuck the Fardinals” t-shirts that show a Cubby bear performing sodomy on a redbird as well as the more recent Fukudome shirts that present a slant eyed Cubby bear donning Haray Caray glasses shouting “Horry Kow“. Wow. What a nice way to welcome the man who you say is going to “end the 100-year wait”.
Yes. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like racism.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right. Especially on this one.
“At what point in the season will you cry hardest: when the Cubs win the
NL Central or when the Cards are mathematically eliminated from the
playoffs? And which brand of tissue will you use to wipe your nose?”
Such a pleasant surprise to see you stretch those muscles of intelligentsia by presenting me with such a highly researched question of moronic proportion, Mr. Krause. Though I am not immune to dodging your loquacious prods that are ultimately meant to force my hand into an all-out rant with repercussions that would probably get me into a lot of trouble, in this particular case, I am inclined to take the high road and make you look like an idiot. But since you’re already an idiot, my job is just that much simpler.
Due to the fact that the foundation of your question is completely erroneous in itself, let me address it by quoting the infamous Jimmy Dugan:
So there, Al. Now that you know there is no crying in baseball, you know I won’t be crying about anything. But — and let’s just say I’m entertaining your idiocy here — even if there was such a thing as ‘crying in baseball’, what in the world makes you think I would have anything to cry about? Would I cry about a team that has already surpassed the expectations of every single baseball-follower on the planet? A team that boasts a record of 16 wins, a half game out of first place as we come to the end of April? A team that presents a spring of young, exciting, homegrown talent with names like Brendan Ryan, Skip Schumaker and Colby Rasmus? A team that has arguably the best player in the entire game in A.P.? A team that has won with a no-name starting rotation (ironically) named Wainwright, Lohse, Wellemeyer, Looper and Pineiro/Thompson? A team that is a perennial contender? A team that manufactures wins where other teams (i.e. the Tigers) just kind of give up after they find themselves down? Yeah (*cue the sarcasm), I’m extremely disappointed in this team’s performance thus far. Yeah, I’m real upset that we’re winning without a lineup full of underachieving, overpaid superstars and a pitching staff more volatile than nuclear fission who collectively find themselves at the bottom of the AL Central. Yeah, I’m real upset about that.
And you’re asking me — in April — which event(s) that may or may not happen in October are going to make me cry harder? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. October is the furthest thing from my mind right now and you shouldn’t even think about it at all because you’ll just be setting yourself up for disappointment. That’s right, Mr. Krause. What I’m more worried about is whether or not you’ll become suicidal when my prediction of the Tigers missing the playoffs all together comes to fruition (and it will, so start the Paxil cycle now). In fact, Al, you have a lot of nerve asking me such a question when your team can’t seem to figure themselves out while the Sox continue to win and C.C. and the Tribe find their old game. Hockeytown has never seen such implosion — oh wait, yes they have (see the 2006 WS or any of their 100 loss seasons for more information).
What kind of tissue will I use? Come on, Al, you’re starting to sound like a Cub fan. Really. Next thing I know, you’ll be creating racially insensitive t-shirts and selling them on the streets, getting drunk at 11 a.m., and knocking over little kids and their dreams to get your hands on a foul ball.
Besides, real men don’t use tissue. They use their sleeves.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
**Click here for the Jason Grilli ERA Watch Update. The Italian Stallion’s back in the ring!