Results tagged ‘ Rants ’

I Need a Bigger Bus

Once again, Mr. Krause, you have managed to blasphemy the greatest game on earth, prove your idiocy with your prose and wholly embarrass me in public.  It’s one thing to like one league over the other.  But gay porn?  Al, are you completely lost?  Have they been waterboarding you down there?  I’m concerned about your mental health.

Look, I know it’s not entirely your fault.  It must’ve been hard growing up in a state where hockey is king, where the only car you are allowed to drive is a Ford and your greatest baseball icon was a gin shootin’, cleats-up-slidin’, wh0re mongering racist.  I’m sure that all had an influence on your childhood and blinded you from seeing how baseball is supposed to be played.  The pitcher is supposed to bat, Al.  In fact, some pitchers are really good hitters.  Have you ever heard of Rick Ankiel?  Carlos Zambrano?  Dontrelle Willis?  How about Babe Ruth?  

The American League’s adoption of the designated hitter is a classic case of how easily greed can destroy the purities in life.  What was wrong with pitchers hitting?  Nothing.  Sure, the weakest hitting position overall is the pitcher’s spot — because they don’t hit every day.  But that’s exactly what makes the NL so much more exciting, more pure, more of a thinking man’s game.  You actually have to use strategy to accomplish your goal (*take note, Mr. President).  As a man in such a high political position as yourself, Al, I thought you would’ve had the basic knowledge to discern that.  In fact, the next time you hold a peace summit in some war-stricken African country, I’d like to see you replaced by a Designated Diplomat, someone who has a higher success average than you, because you don’t have the bells and whistles to make it theatric enough.  Actually, I’d be amused (if only momentarily) to see you be a little more one dimensional. 

Unfortunately, the AL didn’t end the DH experiment after its 1973 induction and now we never will.  Since it has translated into a major career-extender and equated bigger paychecks for aging vets who wouldn’t make a squad otherwise, the DH is now like that drunk uncle who is a complete mess at family functions.  We all do our very best to ignore him and not let him ruin the party because we know there will be less harm done to the group as a whole if we just let him destroy himself.

So eat a big fat one on that one, Al.

Oh, and I want to thank you for making my job easier today.  Your Filibuster is full of big, dark, gaping holes of contradiction.  I believe I said a long time ago that the AL Central would  indeed be interesting due to the Indians and White Sox.  In all honesty, I said the Tigers would miss the postseason completely.   As a matter of fact, a recent comment on your last post from mobaseball reiterates this bold (and most probably true) prediction:

“First of all, you do know that no team has ever lost 4 straight and
made the playoffs right? And the Tigers have now lost 6 straight.”

Actually, Al, looking back on your past heresies, you made myriad bogus claims on February 21, 2008:

“The Royals will be their same old selves…”

“I can understand why you have playoff envy since the Cardinals will be
lucky to finish the season 5 games under .500 with their offseason
“moves” and a much tougher NL Central. But don’t be a hater. The
Tigers, along with the Red Sox and the Tribe, are clearly the class of
the AL.”

“The proud state of Missouri will host not just one but two teams who
not only set new records for divisional futility but who also manage to
lead their leagues in losses. That’s right, the Cardinals and Royals
will end the season with identical losing records and in a tie for last
place in baseball. You heard it here first.”

jason.grilli.ERA.jpgLike I have had to say before, Wrong, Wrong, and WRONG.  Going into this evening, the Cardinals team ERA was second in MLB at 1.83 while the Royals’ were fourth overall at 2.67.  Do you know what Jason Grilli’s ERA is, Mr. Krause?  I’ll tell ya: 20.25!  Get this guy in the game, Jimmy!  My lord, hitters have to take washrags with them to the plate to clean up all the drool.  Oh, and did you see that game last night where the Sox destroyed Verlander and scored 13 runs?  I guess pointing out that the Kitty-Cats haven’t won a game yet this season (even the Giants have won a game!) would be pouring salt in your wounds.  Look, I know it’s early, and on paper they should be awesome, but right now, they’re awful.  And it can be quite challenging to crawl out from a ditch as big as the Tigers have dug.  I’m just sayin’…

As to what division is the strongest, most competitive, must-watch division… I meant it as a trick question.  I know you so well that I knew you would respond with some dumb denunciation of all things NOT the AL Central.  Come on, Al.  Do you honestly believe what you said?  The Padres/Dodgers/Dbacks/Rockies aren’t interesting to you?  The Mets/Braves/Phillies aren’t dramatic enough for you?  The Cards/Cubs/Brewers/Reds/Astros aren’t competitive enough for you?  Sure sounds a lot better than gay porn to me.  What about the M’s/Angels/A’s race?  Quintessential Yankees/Red Sox?  Get a grip, pal!  Look at all these great divisions!  I can’t find even one that won’t be interesting… and if your unabashed abhorrence for the AL East is so strong that it prevents you from recognizing the inherent drama, tension, beauty of this glorious game, then you are too far gone to be saved — even by me. 

You might as well be a Cub fan. 

And though I know this is going to be very difficult for you, please don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



Business As Usual: The sCrUB Way

Hey hey, everybody!  The kings of pain, the Chicago Cubs, have gone and done it again.  In one single day the organization was able to provide me with enough fodder to dissect for the rest of the season.  But I can’t stretch it out because that wouldn’t be fun, so let’s get to it!

letslearngrammar.jpgOr shall I say: LETS get to it as in LETS PLAY TWO… as scribed on the new Ernie Banks statue unveiled outside Wrigley Field yesterday.  Smart people will notice that the apostrophe is missing from “Let’s” in Banks’ most memorable catchphrase.  So who was doing the proofreading for this monument?  Aramis Ramirez would be my first guess.  Who needs apostrophes when you’re pitting rooster against rooster in a violent cockfighting duel to the death?  Fukudome maybe?  I so sorry.  Is prorry can being dis one.  Something tells me his English isn’t so great. 

But to read the Chicago Tribune, you’d think Kosuke Fukudome was the second coming of Christ.  He’s everywhere!  So what, he has a great opening day.  Good for him.  But can rational human beings really tout him as an MVP candidate after one single game in the Majors?  According to the Trib, he was quiet in spring training camp because he was busy working on a SECRET WEAPON.  Oooh… secret weapon… like what?  An aluminum bat… bionic arm… non-detectable PED injections?  In the print version of the Trib article, the actual title is “Secret Weapon Unleashed”.  Again, the extremely biased Tribune didn’t realize how third-grade that sounded until after it had gone to print and I called them twenty times to complain (blame Editor Ramirez), so they very smoothly (or not so much) changed the headline for the online version.  Of course, if you read the article (why would you?) you will realize that they never actually say what the secret weapon is other than: he hit the ball hard.  Look, Fukudome didn’t become a star in Japan for not hitting the ball hard.   Isn’t there something more substantial that could be written in the newspaper?

SteveBartman.jpgLike Chicago’s relentless search-and-destroy mission for the infamous Bartman.  It took 4 and a half years, but Moises Alou finally came out and said “I WOULDN”T HAVE CAUGHT IT ANYWAY.”  Nah, you don’t say?  I think it has been extremely clear to everyone in the world who has eyesight that this is and always has been the case.  And besides, it wasn’t that play that forced the Cubs to lose that series; it was their shoddy defense, lack of clutch pitching and a curse of a goat that got ’em.  Poor Bartman did what any other baseball fan would’ve done with a foul ball coming right at him.  It makes me sick that Alou is getting good press about coming clean; he should have said something when it actually mattered — when the guy was getting death threats from Wrigleyville drunkards and had to start living underground. 

But this isn’t the most ridiculous Chicago Cub story of the day, no, that would go to telling Chicagoland readers that the missing link to a Cubs championship season is groundskeeper ROGER BOSSARD.  According to Tribune writer Paul Sullivan:

“Five of the last seven World Series champions played on fields that Bossard either constructed or remade: the 2004 and ’07 Red Sox, the ’01 Diamondbacks, the ’06 Cardinals and the ’05 White Sox.

If Bossard’s magic touch works again, the Cubs will be dancing on their new field come October.”

Right.  Forget about hitting, or pitching, or the game in general.  Just resurface the field so it drains better and you got yourself a World Series ring.  Brilliant.

I thank God every day that I wasn’t born a Cub fan…

…and all I ask is that you don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



Flip-Flopping on Opening Day

Congratulations, Al, on your new affiliation with the Washington Nationals.  Excuse me while I puke.

“The wonderful part about getting to watch the Nats all season long is that they could send a team to the playoffs…”

— Allen Krause

Seriously?  Look, Al, I’m not going to ridicule you for your
support of a National League team.  That’s perfectly
understandable.  And I’m not going to ridicule you for your
passing on Baltimore.  But I am going to ridicule you for your
reasoning because if you think that the Nats have even a smidgeon of a
chance in a division stacked with the Mets, Phillies and Braves then
you have much bigger problems — problems involving your brain or, more appropriately, the lack


But before I get too angry or too possessed by the strong emotions that
tend to separate me from reality — I must remind myself that this
proclamation that the Nats “could send a team to the playoffs” is
coming from the same guy who, while living in the Chi, wore a Cubs hat
and tooted around town wooing with Wrigley Ronnie Woo Woo on his arm.

So sure.  I get it.  Living in a new city you feel a little
displaced.  You are looking for a new social network — a venue
for communitas.  No shame in that.  So you do what feels
comfortable.  You align yourself with losers who perennialy get
their hopes up only to be let down in every single way possible, only
this time they wear a “W” on their hats instead of a “C”.

I totally get it.

At least your silence tells me you heartily agree with my assessment of your inappropriate Filibuster question.  And your acceptance of disloyalty towards the man who once pitched your team to a World Championship.  I know.  I know.  Your welcome for my thoughts.

In keeping with such exactitude, I have to say that TLR saw his club get off to a good start today; unfortunately, rain wouldn’t allow it
to last long.  Such was the case in many cities this day. 
No, there weren’t any snow-outs this year, but Allen, your dream of an
Opening Day sans the Yankees came true.  Don’t get used to
paradise.  They play tomorrow.

And I guess I won’t bring up that colossal letdown loss the Tigers took against the mighty Royals today.  Gil Meche what!?!  Tigers got Danza-slapped
Okay, I will admit, I did get a little mancrush on Cabrera when he hit
that longball; but all in all I found it quite sad that all of those
white suburbanites immediately went back to buzzing about post-season
hockey when the final score was in. 

Nah, don’t worry about it, Al.  It’s a long season…and besides, you’re a Nats fan now, so your season will be that much longer.

Seriously, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



Wrong, Wrong, and WRONG

GoreangryatalThe entire city of Detroit (sorry, I mean the white suburbs surrounding Detroit) is sobbing right now, Al.  Yes, Hockeytown may never forgive you for your slander if you can ever sell enough Girlscout cookies to buy a plane ticket to go back.  But why would you, really?  You’ve already proven your disloyalty to the keystone of the lonely World Series Championship your team has achieved during your lifetime.  Sure, maybe the Hawk, a victim of being the best player on the worst team year in and year out, ultimately doesn’t have what it takes to be in the Hall of Fame (though keep in mind, if he would’ve hit 62 more homers we wouldn’t even be having this conversation).  And sure, Jim Rice, though he’s touted as the most dominate player of his league for at least a decade, just misses "defining" the game of baseball.  But, Al, Jack Morris?  Really?  You really believe that Jack Morris doesn’t belong in the Hall of Fame?  That he doesn’t deserve his place among the greatest of all time because he didn’t "define the game of baseball"?  Well, I hate to tell ya, Al, but you are absolutely WRONG.

Now it would be easy for me to rip you apart here with my diligent statistical analysis and shrewd acumen of baseball inteligencia to prove why I am right, but let me save everyone from having to read a book and make this much easier for you with two words: Jim Bunning.  Yeah, I said Jim Bunning — the senator from Kentucky.  That’s right.  Did you know, Al, that Jim Bunning is in the Hall of Fame?

Did Jim Bunning define the game of baseball, Al?  Using your own argument, I have to tell you that Jack Morris did so indeed, my friend.  He was the poster-child for consistency, compiling winning records in 15 of his 18 years in the big leagues and twelve times he won 15 games or more during a season!  He won 254 games (that’s 30 more than Bunning) in his career, led the ’84 Tigers, the ’91 Twins, the ’92 and ’93 Blue Jays to World Series championships, made 5 All-Star appearances and won a WS MVP, not to mention the absolute wicked nature of his splitter.  If only Al Gore had invented the internet a decade earlier, fantasy baseball nerds like me would be drooling to draft him.  He was a lock for a strong, injury-free, 15+ game winning season.  In other words, he dominated during his career. 

And all that leaves him out of the Hall?  Perhaps a case can be made for getting just his signature mustache in?  An exhibit of the mustache then?

But, Al, you’re not the only one who’s completely wrong on this day…

HillaryclintonohmyHillary Clinton: WRONG.  You see, I really must apologize to everyone for not responding to Allen’s heinous post earlier…it’s just, well, gee, I didn’t want to bring any of this up but I guess I should let you all know that on my way to work in downtown Chicago the other day I had to dodge howitzer fire, a couple of grenades and the thirty-third infantry, which kind of set everything back a few days, you know?  But jeesh, that wasn’t the half of it.  What really got under my skin was having to ride the 62 Archer bus home while we evaded sniper fire from a book depository at Michigan & Roosevelt.  While the bus was sliding across the intersection on its side, shooting sparks all over my otherwise pleasant view of the lakefront, I realized I was bleeding from the shrapnel that lodged into the side of my face while I was having lunch with a colleague earlier that day.

I feel much better now.

And all you Manny haters out there upset that he pulled a Barry Bonds move by watching the ball instead of running hard are, in this case, WRONG, too.  That game-winning double he hit early this morning was a fantastic start to the season and I wouldn’t have changed it for anything.  Do you ever really expect Manny to not watch a high pop fly that has, at the very least, the potential to be a home run?  This is Manny Ramirez we’re talking about here.  This is the guy David Ortiz says is a crazy matsuzaka.  He should’ve been hustling on that play?  No way.  I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much without seeing his priceless reaction of oh sh*t that’s not out of here, I better run now…  We love Manny because he is so dumb yet so bright, so awkward yet so graceful, so Manny yet so…Manny.   Unlike Bonds, he’s a lovable guy.  He says funny things.  He plays the Green Monster perfectly and he does hustle…sometimes.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



The Ghosts of Wyoming

With the recent Obamamania invasion of the state of Wyoming,most of us only recently remembered that it was indeed part of this
nation. For those of you who don’t know,
this typically Red State who’s largest city boasts a population of 53,000
people, is a sparsely populated range of wilderness that is home to many a
gun-totin’ conservative, bible-thumpin’ cowboys, and yes, even a minor league
baseball team.


The Casper Ghosts of the Pioneer League call Casper, Wyoming (population 49,644) home. Besides the obviously tired pun of their
name, the Ghosts of Wyoming are known as “the only team in minor league
baseball to wear glow-in-the-dark caps”
! Yay for them! What a rudimentary
gimmick to get fans to come to the ballpark! Oh, but wait, that’s not all…


In fact, if you manage to finish your homework assignment on
why Creationism trumps factual science, your mom and dad might let you go to a
game. And if you’re really good and don’t curse or say ‘kill the umpire’, you might
just come home with one of these:


Of course, I am all for baseball anywhere in this world,
even in Lord Cheney’s home state. So if
you do go to a Ghosts game, make sure you bring your rifle; you never know what
could run across the field.




Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right…






P.S. I can’t wait for
this season to start…

What Is It and How Is It Cured? (or An Homage to My Father)

It’s Mozeliak and it can be cured by calling it


It’s here’s
to another hundred years
, yeah, good luck with that. No cure.


It’s playing by the rules so no, Billary, they
won’t count.


Based on your competition, you’re still getting ripped off; I have no sympathy.


It’s Allen Krause, and no, I don’t know where in
the world he is either.


It’s addiction and yes it can be cured but you have to work the program.


It’s fantasy baseball and no, you can’t beat me.


It’s called self-righteousness; maybe if you
lost the attitude we wouldn’t care so much.



It’s a hanging slider and when AP’s at the
plate, fuhgettaboutit.



But is that it? Is
that all? You mean it’s been this way
the whole time? Really? Or is it something else? You know the answer. I wish I did. I’ve been thinking about this one all night—no, longer than that—about 29
years now and all I have is a huge headache. I feel nauseous from looking deep down inside (I can’t see too well) but
I have followed my nose (it’s a big one, thanks to Mom) and yes…ah…yes, here it
is…right here:

It’s meat. Put some
salt on it. Hang it on a hook. Voila.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right…



Denounce & Reject!

In the wake of a heated debate over semantics between two ofour nation’s most prominent leaders, I realize that in recent months I too have
made the grave error of not being entirely clear on where I stand when it comes
to the important issues of baseball—this nation’s greatest game. In fact, as a marginal baseball purist who
respects certain progressive movements within the institution in order to bring
the game to a wider audience, many of my contemporaries have gone as far as to
call me a flip-flopper (daresay!) simply because I chose to denounce rather
than reject myriad controversial ameliorations.


Let there be no question. I may not have
said it in the past, but life is certainly not about the past (just ask Mark
), so I take this opportunity to make it absolutely clear that I do
hereby DENOUNCE & REJECT the following atrocities afflicting our precious
game today:


REJECT: $6 Old Style 20oz. Cans at
Wrigley Field


I can walk to my local general store and buy an entire 6-pack
of Old Style 20 ouncers for $4.39. I go
to a ballgame and have to take out a loan to get my fill of an awful excuse for
a beer. To make it worse, this is the
cheapest beer you can get at Wrigley and lord knows that if I’m going to
Wrigley, I have no choice but to drink in case the bleacher bum hooligans try
to start something with me. It’s a catch
22 really: drink and I’m better prepared to stave off any threats of violence,
while at the same time, drinking forces me to use the men’s room more frequently
and the men’s room is where I have been most frequently targeted. Perhaps the real issue is me wearing my
Cardinals hat and jersey while throwing about inappropriate remarks like “We
are the Champions!”, “Cubs S**k” and “Broglio for Brock, Broglio for Brock!”
while standing at the trough surrounded by drunk frat guys from DePaul. Nah, that can’t be it. It’s the $6 Old Styles.


REJECT: Individuals Who Sing ‘Take Me
Out to the Ballgame’ Incorrectly


People, it’s crackerjack, singular, not plural. And yes, it is a double negative, “I don’t
care if I never get back”. It means I
want to come back. Come on. And really, it’s “root, root, root for the
Cardinals”, no matter where you are or who’s playing.


REJECT: Pink Cashmere Sweater Wearing
White-Collar Sex & the City Watching Rush Limbaugh Listening Cell Phone
Talking Mai Tai Drinking Who’s Winning Asking Trophy Wives with the Best Seats
in the House


(See A fan for all seasons, by Allen Krause)


4. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: The NY/BOS/LA Lovefest Media’s Propensity to
Totally Ignore the Existence of an NL and/or AL Central Division


The Cardinals, the Astros, the Cubs, the Brewers, the White
Sox, the Tigers, the Indians, the Twins. Here we have eight teams that have been consistently good in recent
years, with heated division races year in and year out and yet the lead story
on Baseball Tonight almost always has something to do with A-Rod and a
stripper, or Man-Ram failing to cash his check from the Indians in 2000 because
he didn’t have time to go to the bank or whether or not Jeff Kent will be an
a-hole this year. Ridiculous.


5.  I DENOUNCE & REJCECT: Those Silly Between-Inning Games that Require
Us to Keep Our Eyes on the Ball Under the Hat on the JumboTron While they Spin
Around Like Crazy


You know what I’m talking about. And you know how ridiculous it is. I’ve read the reports and I know that we US
have short attention spans, but come on, we’re baseball fans. We get off on watching the third basemen move
a few steps towards the line when a right-handed pull hitter steps to the
plate. We make it a point to watch and
see who warms up the right fielder in between innings. We write entire blog entries on the strange
between-inning rituals
of our favorite players. Are we really that starved for entertainment that we will succumb to
watching a guy spin around a bat ten times and try to make it to first base
without falling down?


REJECT: The Growing Tendency of Teams
Having 12 Different Uniform Combinations


I admit, I thought it was kind of cool when the White Sox
introduced the ‘alternate’ all-black jersey. Many teams followed that trend: the Rockies,the
Marlins, the Devil Rays, the Reds, the Angels, the Pirates, the Mets, and many
more. The problem is that they didn’t
stop with just the one alternate jersey. Now teams carry 3 or 4 alternate jerseys and sometimes more than that:
with sleeves, without sleeves, black, alternate team color base, with
pinstripes, without pinstripes, and alternate pants too! Come on. Can we please go back to road greys and home whites? When I turn on a game I don’t want to spend
the first ten minutes trying to figure out who’s playing by trying to decode
the odd uni combos.


REJECT: The Constant Mispronunciation of
Chinese Names


Yes, my bias enters here. It’s Wang (pronounced wahng, not waing). It’s Chen (pronounced chen, just like it looks, not chaing). It’s Chien (pronounced jee-AN, not jen). You guys took the time to get Daisuke’s name
right, show a little respect for the godfather of Asia,


REJECT: The Fact that at US Cellular
Field a Miller Lite and a Sam Adams Cost Exactly the Same


Beer again, I know, but come on. How can you charge $7 for a Miller Lite and a
Sam Adams as if they’re equal in quality? Who in their right mind would buy a Miller Lite? You’d be real surprised how few Sox fans can
actually tell the difference.


REJECT: MLB Superstars Who Fail to Own
Up to their Mistakes


Come on, Barry. Roger. Mark. Come on now. I like to think that MLB fans are among the smartest devoted followers
of sport. We are also the most
forgiving. We love Ty Cobb and he was an
absolute abomination of a human being. We love Babe Ruth and he was a man of many vices and mistakes. But you know what? They never shied away from who they were in
the public eye. They owned up to their
shortfalls. Look at Andy Pettitte. The nation loves him again because he was
honest and didn’t take us for a bunch of fools. Be honest about that cream, Barry. Admit that wasn’t B12, Roger. Talk about the past, Mark. We’ll
love you for it.


…and finally…


10. I do hereby
Baseball’s Ban on Pete Rose

Somebody hit Selig over the head and put Charlie Hustle in
the Hall of Fame. Let him come to the
ballpark. Just think of how much more
exciting the game would be with Pete in it. This is 2008. Our future
president admitted he did blow. Our
current president did blow all the time. Our previous president smoked ****-o-weed. Why can’t the baseball brass recognize how
archaic and asinine their decision to ban Pete Rose for life is and how
negatively it has affected the game? Get
over it, Bud. Do the right thing.

And please, please, please…don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.