Results tagged ‘ Republicans ’

Making It Rain: An RSBS Tutorial

With summer temperatures slowly creeping up on us, the potential for flop-sweat induced wedgies at the ballpark is on the rise, making an afternoon or midmorning rain shower a pleasant respite for anyone wanting to spend some serious time unstuck at the game.  Though it is not widely known, making it rain isn’t quite as difficult as one might think.  Here are three simple methods:

1.  Be Different


As my doleful and oft unctuous colleague, Mr. Krause, taught us, sometimes, making it rain is just a matter of doing the opposite of what’s expected of you.

2.  Be Ignorant


This is an easy method for rain-making, especially for those US Americans who reside in the realm of absurdity.  I recall Focus on the Family asking their invisible friend to make it rain in Denver, to drown out the “changes” being outlined by Obama at the 2008 DNC.

3.  Be Livan Hernandez


This is the easiest, most economical way to make it rain.  In fact, I’m doing it right now… to the guy in the cubicle next to me.

Hate me ‘cuz I makes it rain, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

You Are What You Eat

If you have a stomach strong enough to stand the neverending barrage of political headline craptitude, then you might already know that the Mitt Romney camp is eager to point out that Barack Obama ate dog as a child.  Obviously, this is pretty important stuff.  As the Republicans know, you are what you eat (is Astroglide edible?), and no doubt, Obama’s youthful ingestion of doggie treats certainly makes him unfit for a job as demanding as the presidency.

Which got me thinking about my favorite baseballers and what they eat.  Sure, some probably go for too much hot dog and not enough arugula salad, but let us examine to make sure.  The interns have graciously prepared some slides.

Jonathan Broxton

Eats…

McPizza.  Right?  Weighing 300 lbs. as a baseball player ain’t easy, but when you only pitch every once in a while and you eat crap like the above, then it’s easy as McPie.

Tom Gorzelanny

Eats…

Baby Ruth.  Duh.

Josh Hamilton

Eats…

T*****s.

Dee Gordon

Eats…

Nothing??!!  Dude is about to disappear!

And finally (you probably knew this was coming)…

Prince Fielder

Eats…

The known universe.

To be exact, this idea references a fascinatingly disturbing thought theorized by famed astrophysicist, Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  One could look at it the way he explains — that an entire universe could be within each and every one of us.  Or, you can think (like me), that dude doesn’t get that large unless he eats everything in the entire known universe.

Either way, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a rainbow themed slap bracelet, this is gonna be loud, colorful and could quite possibly cause a ripple in your otherwise tame relationship.

The Iron Fist of King Bud’s Court
Troy Tulowitzki pisses off Ubaldo Jimenez.  Jimenez subsequently beans Tulowitzki.  Jimenez gets slammed with a 5-game suspension.  And speaks:

“I can’t control what people say. People act like this is the first time that somebody got hit. It happens in the game. That’s part of the game. It’s always been part of the game.”

Ubaldo is right.  We don’t know if it was on purpose.  Beanballs happen all the time.  We can assume it was intentional considering the circumstances, but we can’t be sure beyond a reasonable doubt.  This is the beauty of the unwritten rules of baseball, a game where players police themselves and do what they gotta do to survive.  But alas, there is no constitution in King Bud’s dictatorship.  If these guys didn’t bank millions of dollars I’d expect an uprise.

If Only 4 Days Meant “Forever”
Pennsylvania Taliban leader, Rick Santorum, is taking 4 days off from his fledgeling  (not to mention INSANE) republican primary campaign.  Why?  I dunno.  Maybe he realizes a 4th grade life skills level isn’t enough to be in such a demanding position.  Maybe he fears a widespread Santorum epidemic.  Or maybe his invisible friend in the sky who hates women and gay people told him to.  I don’t know.  I only wish it were forever.

The Heat Is On!
Baseball is back to FULL THROTTLE, my friends, and that means no more dirt kickin’, no more gloomy day sobfests, no more Perfect Strangers marathons on sleepless nights (okay, maybe I can’t go that far, yet).  But the truth is: baseball is back for a long, long time.  So let’s live!  To celebrate, Igive you the song I remember most from my youthful, endless summers at Busch II.  Whenever I hear this song, I immediately picture an Ozzie to Tommy to Jack double-play.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Namely a Name

Yesterday was election day here in the Chi.  I was there bright and early, standing in line with old ladies and a man who smelled like gasoline.  Working class neighborhood.

We have regular old boring names like Jeff. Bob. Joe. Myrtle. Louise. Evelyn.

I look down at my ballot and get dizzy from these crazy names!  Newt. Mitt. Barack.

Immediately my mind strays from politics, and does what it often does when it would rather be doing something else… focusing on baseball.

My favorite baseball names, in particular.

Candy Maldonado. Boog Powell. Calvin Schiraldi. Pete Incaviglia. Elias Sosa. Willie McGee. Boof Bonser. Homer Bailey. Catfish Hunter. Urban Shocker. Rocco Baldelli. Razor Shines. Al Kaline. Goose Gossage. Yadier Molina. Dick Pole. Fernando Tatis. Ugueth Urbina (despite his homicidal tendencies). Dickie Thon. Harmon Killebrew. Tom Candiotti. Ray/Bob/Bret/Aaron Boone. Coco Crisp. J.J. Putz. Rusty Kuntz. Oil Can Boyd.

And, perhaps my very favorite, Kevin Bass, if only because I pronounced it Kevin Bass (as in, the opposite of treble) for a long time before being corrected on the little league diamond with snickers (not the candy bar) and jeers.  Still, to this day, I prefer my pronunciation.  It is much more marquis worthy.

Sadly, none of the above were on the ballot.

Ron Paul it is.

Happy Hump Day!

Jeff

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Moonbases and Porn and Franchises, Oh My!

As electoral campaigns get rolling and as the candidates feel a need to distinguish themselves, the quotes become more and more interesting.  Sure, there is the obvious craziness of Newt Gingrich and his moonbases but that’s just a drop in the bucket.  You expect that sort of thing from a bipolar former Speaker of the House.

But what about Rick Santorum’s pledge to ban pornography in the United States?  Number one, anyone who feels this strongly about so many “vices” must have a real problem.  Has he even heard of Mark Foley or Ted Haggard?  Number two, the states that most support Santorum, the so-called “Red States” who revel in their religiosity, also happen to be the largest consumers of porn.  Are you really going to tell me that they’ll let Mr. Santorum take away their dirty little secret?

Finally, how would you even go about doing away with porn?  Are you going to start censoring the internet and blocking sites that you consider “morally reprehensible”?  The only place I’ve ever visited where they’ve been even moderately successful with this approach is Saudi Arabia.  I don’t exactly see that as a model for the US.  Besides, you’re going to have about as much luck banning porn in the US as MLB has had in banning PEDs from baseball.  Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and as long as boys and ballplayers are around, there will always be a will to access porn and PEDs.

Luckily it’s not just Mr. Santorum who’s divorced from reality.  In an effort to prove that he, too, is just a regular guy, Mitt Romney recently let us know that he loves sports just like us.  In fact, he has “good friends” who own NASCAR and NFL teams.  Now, I don’t know if Mr. Romney enjoys car racing or football but there’s a pretty major difference between enjoying sports and being friends with people who own the teams.  If you can’t make that distinction, you probably ought to go back and audit Running for Office 101.

I realize that I’m being pretty hard on the Republicans here.  But, since they’re the ones in the middle of a heated primary fight, they tend to also be the ones making the ridiculous statements.  I’m sure Obama will come out with some of his own once the general election gets underway but for now, he can just sit back and let the other side say what they want.  Sounds like a plan to me.  Moonbases and porn and franchises, oh my!

-A

RSBS Digest: Time Travel

Unless we’re talking about the cavernous anatomy of a female Kardashian, despite my best efforts, I still have not been able to pinpoint the location of a reachable and workable worm hole.  Hadron Colliders the size of Prince Fielder’s appetite are also difficult to find these days.  And let’s not even start talkin’ about the insane price of rocket fuel!

So how do I propose we travel back in time?

We open our eyes and take in the train wreck that is the Republican primary!

Want to live in a world where a woman’s reproductive rights don’t matter?  Vote Republican!

Want to live in a world where your life is governed by an invisible sky daddy whose literary tome is as angry, erratic and suspect as a Manny Ramirez press conference?  Vote Republican!

Want to live in a world where the ONE candidate who ACTUALLY MAKES SOME SENSE is so shunned that he doesn’t even have ONE person embedded in his campaign to report what is actually going on?  Vote Republican!

We might not be able to travel back in time to stop the JFK assassination or Don Denkinger’s blindness during the ’85 Series, but as the above scenarios prove, we can go back about 100 years without much effort.  Just know that, if we do, it may only be a matter of time before they may decide it is okay to own human beings and to kill others simply because they believe in a different fairytale.

Hate me.  Whatevs.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The House that Ron Paul Built

There aren’t a whole lot of things that Mr. Lung and I agree on.  Or rather, we generally agree on the big picture things (capitalism is generally preferable to communism) while disagreeing on the smaller things (no, the dead ball era was not a superior form of baseball).  However, we usually agree that Cubs fans are the Midwest’s intellectual neanderthals.

Turns out we might have been just slightly off on that.  Or maybe “Cubs Fan 77″ is simply the exception that proves the rule.  Either way, Mr. 77 pretty much calls it exactly the way I see it.

Call me crazy but there’s a part of me that kind of wants to see Mr. Paul’s house.  I’m pretty sure it would like something like this:

-A

Divorced From Reality

Santorum and Gingrich both claim Catholicism as their religious raison d’etre.  And according to the Catholic church, divorce is a sin.  So, even ignoring Mr. Gingrich’s multiple failed marriages and subsequent divorces, both gentlemen would be guilty of sin.  How’s that?  Well, both of them are completely divorced from reality.

Here’s the deal, maybe Super Tuesday wasn’t so super for Romney and maybe that has given the other candidates’ backers some little hope but the fact of the matter is, Romney is well on his way to winning the nomination.  If you want to put this in baseball terms, it’s like it’s August and the Pirates are in their perennial last place position but claim that they’re going to play this out, make some mega trades and hope that by some miracle, the baseball powers will decide that in spite of their record, Pittsburgh will go to the playoffs.  That’s just crazy.

But, crazy never stopped anyone from going into politics.  Reason and logic no longer play much of a role, either.  When you consider that Stephen Colbert’s Super PAC has raised over one million dollars, well, that pretty much says everything.

So, the Republican primary campaign will continue, Romney will end the up the nominee but he’ll be so bruised and bloody by that point that, barring a second recession, Obama will cruise.  And where does that leave the Republicans?  Just another broken family.  Blame it on divorce.

-A

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If you haven’t already done so, don’t forget to register for the Biggest St. Patrick’s Day Party Ever and help RSBS raise money to purchase baseball equipment for kids in Chicago.  All you have to do is enter “REDS” in the “optional code” box while registering and you’ll not only be part of a World Record, you’ll also be bringing baseball to kids!

How to Win Super Tuesday

Take it from them!  Just take it

Forget your fickle fossil fuel subsidies, your position on amnesty for illegals, your corporate bailouts!  Forget them! 

Who cares for your stupid little war on drugs, your ignorant stimulus spending, your silly stem cell debate?  Who cares?!?!

If you want to win Super Tuesday, Mr. Politician, take off your shirt, ride a horse and go shoot a stinking tiger!

And if they try to stop you from winning?  There is only one thing left to do.

KEEEEEEEEEEEL them.

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Of course, the above method may not translate well to the 2012 baseball season.  I have tried touting my team as the 2012 World Series Champions already.  But it’s not working.

Yet.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Three Up, Three Down

Just like A.J. Burnett in a Pirates uni, this is going to be ugly, moan-inducing and might even warrant a trip straight to the DL.

New MLB Playoff Format

In short, I like it.  It emphasizes winning the division, makes trade deadline trades more suspect and guarantees drama as we enter the postseason.  The only thing I can think of that would make this arrangement better is to skip the one game playoff and force each wild card team’s manager to do a keg stand before engaging in a last-man-standing no-holds-barred boxing tournament.  My money is on Ron Washington.  Cocaine makes ya crrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaazzzyyy!

Bigots Leading the Republican Party

Whether it’s the Pennsylvanian Taliban or the Ditto Führer of Ignorance himself , I’m getting quite tired of seeing Abe Lincoln’s party fall victim to mass idiocy.  But I found something that will really cause ‘em to scratch their heads:

Yadier Molina: Five More Years

Halle-FRACKIN-lujah!!!  Seriously, I cannot even begin to tell you how happy this makes me.  To those outside of the St. Louis Cardinals family, such jubliation may not seem warranted, but let me assure you: this is a grand, grand deal for all involved.  Say what you will about Albert’s tenure, Yadier Molina is the absolute heart and soul of the St. Louis Cardinals.  And everyone’s happy now.  Yadi’s happy.  Front office is happy.  The fans are happy.

Happy Saturday!

Jeff

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