Results tagged ‘ Republicans ’

Allen’s 2011 Post-Partisan Playoff Preview

Continuing a long-standing tradition here at this nearly four-year old blog, I wanted to take this opportunity to weigh in on both the MLB playoffs and the Republican primary race in a familiar format.  I had a couple thoughts about how to approach this and I really wanted to go with the early front-runner, comparing the Republican candidates to different pizza chains.  It kind of made sense with Herman Cain in the race and fittingly enough the Godfather’s Pizza of the race as well (i.e. what the hell is Godfather’s Pizza/Herman Cain).  It also allowed for the Jon Huntsman-Chicago Pizza Kitchen analogy with both being the best possible option but too few people having heard of either.

C’est la vie.

The pizza analogy had to go away, though, because just as there are only four teams left in the playoffs, there are only four candidates with the possibility of becoming the Republican nominee and that lines up much more neatly.

On one side we have the two front-runners, the American League of the nominees.  The Rangers play the role of Romney, denied their glory the last time out and hell-bent to make up for it this time around.  They’re strong fundamentally but they just can’t seem to put it together.  Sure, they shut down Rays in the first round but even though they look good, you just can’t be sure they’ll hold on through the end.

Meanwhile, the Tigers bear more than a passing resemblance to Rick Perry.  They were quiet for the first half of the season but when they finally decided to get in the race, they did it with a bang.  At one point, riding a 12-win streak, they seemed nearly invincible.  The bang has gone away, though, and now they more just seem banged up with injuries taking a toll.  They could both pull it out and they both have something to prove but the goal seems a little more elusive than it did just a few weeks ago.

Over on the National League side, we have the “non-traditional” candidates.  For instance, the Cardinals, just like Herman Cain, came out of nowhere and now are turning heads.  Tell me the truth, at the beginning of September would you have given either the Cards or Cain a snowball’s chance in hell?  But here we are in mid-October and both are not only making waves but also making people think they’re for real.

The Brewers?  Well, you just never know what you’re going to get with the Brewers.  One day they’re Ron Paul, the next they’re Michele Bachmann, then they look like Newt Gingrich, and…..well, you get the idea.  The Brewers have a serious multiple personality disorder.  They looked fabulous against the Diamondbacks and then dropped two straight.  They mopped up the field with the Cards in game 1 of the NLCS then looked like amateurs in game 2.

So where does that leave us?  Well, here are my predictions.  I think the Rangers and Romney roll the Tigers/Perry duo to face the Cards and Cain in a winner-take-all final.  But the Republicans are the party of tradition and waiting your turn.  They nominated McCain the last time around after he finished second to GB Jr. and this time it’s all about the man McCain vanquished.  You read it here first.  Romney gets the nod.  Just make sure you check back in a year when the next edition of Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview picks the winners and losers in both the playoffs and the Presidential Election.

-A

RSBS Presents: Scoring the Republicans

A pitch only becomes a wild pitch when a runner or runners move up a base.  If there’s no one on or if no one advances, it’s simply a bad pitch.  Basically, it only counts as wild when it causes damage.  So that makes me wonder if the recent Republican hyjinks should be charged as wild pitches or if they’re just bad pitches.

Well, luckily RSBS is here to give you the official scorer’s decision.  We decided to save you the time by having the interns take a look at the replay and let you know how you should mark it on your scorecard.  Without any further ado, lets go to the tape.

Bachmann vs. Perry

This past week during the Tea Party debate Michele Bachmann followed up a solid shot against Rick Perry (or at least a shot that passes for solid in Tea Party circles) regarding his attempt to mandate HPV vaccines with a complete misfire.  Now, in addition to offering further proof that she has no idea what she’s talking about, she has drawn the ire of medical professionals, a group that tends to be pretty well respected even in the science-rejecting circles where Ms. Bachmann runs.

Scorers Decision: Wild pitch followed by an error when Ms. Bachmann launched the ball into the outfield.  If it wasn’t for the entertainment factor we’d ask if someone could please just pull her from the game already.

Pat Robertson vs. Common Decency

Republicans, especially the religious ones, like to go on and on about the “sanctity of marriage.”  No gay marriage because that’s against the “sanctity of marriage.”  50 years ago the same groups were harping on interracial unions because of the “sanctity of marriage.”  Must be a pretty sacred thing for them to get so worked up about so many topics for so long.  Unless it gets in the way of their own enjoyment and could trigger their sense of guilt, that is.  “Sanctity” and the whole “til death do us part” thing doesn’t count, at least not according to Pat Robertson, when your partner has Alzheimer’s.  In fact, Pat says you can go ahead and divorce them and Jesus won’t care.  How much you want to bet Mrs. Robertson has some form of dementia and Pat has his eye on some cute young thing?

Scorer’s Decision: Wild pitch.  Also, Pat Robertson is a dick.

Curt Schilling vs. Food

For everybody’s favorite former pitcher/Republican shill, there’s no commentary necessary.  For this, we go straight to the video.

Scorer’s Decision: No wild pitch.  However, it’s pretty clear that Curt Schilling ate at least half of Randy Johnson.  Either that or Randy spent his summer vacation in Somalia while Curt was working in a Twinkie factory.

-A

Five Things You Need to Know NOW

The world moves faster now than it did just decade ago.  In fact, while writing that last sentence, I lost two bets, texted a girl without using my fingers and imagined an elaborate Broadway staging of my favorite Bukowski quote.

So naturally, it would be easy to miss out on some important informational nuggets throughout the day.  But do not fear.  The RSBS interns have been hard at work to bring you these five things you NEED to know NOW:

1.  Rick Perry Is Insane
You didn’t have to watch the *YAWN* GOP debate last night to know that.  All you need to know is that he truly believes setting aside an entire day for his state leaders to focus on talking to their imaginary friend is an acceptable way of tackling Texas’ problems.  Um… please, someone tell me that being “delusional” makes one unelectable in a general election???

2.  MLB Playoff Changes Are a Comin’
If today was September 8, 2012, the Cardinals, Giants and Rays would all still be fighting like hobos for the last drop of playoff wine.  Generally speaking, I don’t like change; but to be fair, this seems imminent and fitting. I give it my blessing.  VOILA!

3.  Mr. Krause’s Retort Is Weak
In his most recent attempt to derail my celebratory allegiance to Liberty, he wrote: “I don’t have time to go back and correct all of his logical and factual fallacies one by one,” which is Big Government Liberal speak for: “I don’t know how to slip that dude’s jab-jab-right hook-left cross combination so let me try and talk around it.”  Just sayin’!

4.  John Smoltz Is Awesome… At Everything
He was a bad@$$ mound maestro during his playing days.  He also was/is one hell of a golfer — good enough to, at one point, even consider going pro.  And after listening to him in the broadcast booth as the color commentator on an entire season’s worth of games, I gotta say: Smoltz is one hell of a broadcaster.  With a Hall of Fame baseball acumen, superior poise and uncanny timing, he definitely warrants kicking Tim McCarver’s dusty rump aside.

And finally…

5.  The Astros Will Be Going to the American League
Don’t worry.  No one will probably even notice.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Defending Logic

“One man’s balk is another man’s strikeout.”
–Mr. Allen Krause, August 30, 2011

Um… what?!?

Look, I don’t know what they put in that Big Government Liberal Kool-Aid, but whatever it is, it has some major psychotropic side effects, because in the game of baseball I know and love, a balk is a balk and a strikeout is a strikeout.  The two are never interchangeable.  NEVER.

But mistakes seem to be pretty common when it comes to the work of my opinionated and oft Yes We Can-chanting colleague, Mr. Allen Krause.  In his gimpy and tired attempt to derail my Liberty-train party, he made several inaccurate claims whilst using pompous generalizations to try and hide the fact that our current two-party political system cares more about robbing you, ignoring you, and then guilting you into making it all seem okay with special buzzwords like “terror” and “patriotism” and “hope”.

Sorry.  I learned my lesson when my vote went to Obama, my taxes went up, my savings account lost its value and my buddies are still off fighting stupid, pointless wars.

At the time of this photo, Little Allen still believed in invisible sky daddies, gnomes and unicorns, so there is still hope.

Let’s see exactly what Mr. Krause had to say:

“Ron Paul isn’t a libertarian.  Ron Paul has a lot of libertarian positions but it’s like being vegetarian.  Once you eat a piece of meat, you can’t really claim to be a vegetarian anymore.”

I assure you, Mr. Krause: Ron Paul is a libertarian.  Just because he differs from his party line on some select issues doesn’t make him any less a representative of the movement as a whole.  Just like I’m sure there are gay Republicans and gun-owning Democrats, it ain’t all ones and zeroes, sir.  Don’t forget, your Detroit Tigers’ greatest player was a drunken racist womanizer.  Does that mean you support drunken racist womanizing? (Don’t answer that).

Also, we are not talking about anarchy here.  We are talking about limiting the federal government’s involvement in our lives, like the Constitution was meant to do.  You do remember that little thing called the Constitution, right?  You know Dr. Paul is an expert on the Constitution, right?  You know that your big government is sh***ing all over the Constitution, right?  Okay, just checking.

“Yes, the US bureaucracy is often unwieldy but it’s downright streamlined compared to most of our OECD friends.”

So, you’re saying that because there are countries still worse off than us that we shouldn’t complain about the terrible job ours is doing?  Tell that to the dying middle class who are out of work because some big government bed-sharing CEO wants to make an extra $500K on top of his $3 million salary.  Tell that to the folks paying $4.25 for a gallon of gas, the people who can barely afford groceries, who are meanwhile raped for 20% of their income in taxes to fund programs they’ll never benefit from.  The system is broke.  This system is BROKEN.  Time to fix it.

“Paul would have us close up our borders but it’s foreign trade that allows us all to have televisions in our home and computers at work for a fraction of what they would otherwise cost.”

Your claim is simply not true.  Not true at all.  Dr. Paul’s fiscal propositions heavily support a free market economy.  It’s sort of the bread and butter of the Libertarian economic plan.  But you do have a point in that Dr. Paul would have us pull out of some of the international arenas where we are mostly seen as an unwanted nuisance.  Why are we still in Iraq?  Why are we still in Afghanistan?  Why are we now focusing on Iran?!?!?

And don’t give me that terrorism mish-mash.  You know why those countries hate us so much?  They hate us because of our longstanding foreign policy which is to invade, overthrow and then set up puppet governments and act as dictators to protect our interests in oil.  That’s why they want to kill us.  Because we are interfering in their affairs and they don’t like it.  Heck, I don’t blame them.  If Canada invaded my home and forced me to watch hockey every day, I gather I’d be pretty willing to blow myself up to stop it too.

Let’s leave those people alone, protect our sovereignty as the United States of America and uphold the values and declarations of the Constitution — a document that aimed to distance itself from the heavy-handed inbred monarchy that troubled the people with excessive taxation and an intolerance for individual liberty!

And now, please enjoy this woman getting hit in the face with a foul ball.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Celebrate! It’s Mr. Lung’s Liberty Inspired Coming Out Party!

Libertarianism is the view that each person has the right to live his life in any way he chooses so long as he respects the equal rights of others. Libertarians defend each person’s right to life, liberty, and property — rights that people have naturally, before governments are created.
David Boaz

RSBS interns prepping for the Liberty Bash

ENOUGH!  I’VE HAD IT! I’M COMING OUT!

That’s right, dear readers.  For fear of becoming the political philosophy version of Mike Quade — a bumbling, stumbling, titan of passivism — I hereby do OFFICIALLY shed my clamorous cloak of association with the Democratic Party and declare my NEW allegiance to…

LIBERTARIANISM.

I.

Am.

Libertarian.

The throng and its swarm of enforcers can kiss my @$$!

That’s right.  I’m sick of the two-party volleyball match of blame whilst doing nothing to solve the problems.  I’m tired of the false hope and broken (read: improbable) promises of the status quo.  I will no longer tolerate the pompous stuffed statists sucking up 30% of my income… and, for what?  To put my country in debt by the trillions?  To send my brothers and sisters off to die in TWO wars that we shouldn’t even be fighting?  No, sir.  I won’t propagate that.

So I’ve filled up on David Boaz, drunk my fill of Bastiat and now I’m ready to party like it’s 1831, y’all!

Recall how earlier in the week, while dissecting the train wreck of options present during the most recent Republican debate,  I alluded to the fact that, indeed, despite all the loony tunes, there is another candidate I am willing to support.  Well, you can bet yer sweet @$$ that man’s name is DR. RON PAUL, and that though he is thrown in with the evangelical pandering GOP, he is about as far from a “Republican” as a modern liberty-driven truthfinder can be.

He is my man going forward towards 2012 and beyond.

My friends, it is time for us to take back our liberties from the corporate thumbsucking suits in Washington disguised as our “representatives”.  Let’s get out of Iraq.  Let’s get out of Afghanistan.  Let’s shut down the fed, pay our bills and STOP KILLING THE MIDDLE CLASS.

We Libertarians would be honored if you join us.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I”m right.

PARTY ON!

Jeff

The Filibuster

Tim Pawlenty is out of the race and Rick Perry is in.  Bachmann wins the straw poll but is still bat-sh*t insane.  If the Republican primary is a pennant race, who’s your horse?

Paul
Annandale, MI
___________________________________

Oh boy.

Metaphors are my friends, metaphors are my friends, metaphors are my friends.

If the Republican primary is a pennant race, then it must be in the Arena Football League because I am finding it quite difficult taking any of them seriously.

Michele Bachmann?  Um… no.

Rick Perry?  Um… also no.

Please note my severe reluctance to support any candidate who harbors a deep relationship with imaginary friends who tend to be bipolar, judgmental, homophobe racists.

Rick Santorum?  Noooo.

Mitt Romney?  Double noooo.  Though I am still waiting for his endorsement of the Mormon Underwear website.

Newt Gingrich?  Yikes!  Now we’re really gettin’ into the thick of crazy!

Jimmy McMillan?  Okay, now we’ve reached the bottom.

Thad McCotter?  Cool name.  Boring everything else.

Sorry, Paul… ya see, unlike picking an MLB winner, crawling through this web of same-ole-same-ole GOP crazies is a bit difficult.  There is no Philadelphia Phillies lights-out candidate.  There is no Yankee flyer.  There is no Red Sox contender.

No.

But, wait… there is… hmm… there is hope.  And no, I’m not talking about the empty promise sounding “hope” dished out ad nauseum by the Obama campaign to dupe intellectual lefties like myself during the ’08 race.  No.  Staying here, within the “Republican” party, there is… there is another.

But before I can declare my allegiance, I need to think on it.  I need to think on it very, very carefully.  While I do so, remember not to hate me (because I’m right) and please enjoy this informational video thoughtfully prepared by the RSBS interns:


To be continued…

Jeff

**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Interested to know why Mr. Krause still can’t believe it’s not butter?  Send us your Filibuster questions by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

Forget Me Not

With just six weeks and some change left in the regular season, now is the time I lament my dear Cardinals’ now seemingly annual implosion from the top of the NL Central and into regular season obscurity.  Sure we can blame Waino’s injury.  We can blame Albert’s transformation from Machine to Double-Play Machine.  We can blame shoddy defense and the lack of a real closer, hell, blame me, I don’t care.  But in the end, there is no denying that we have lost the really important games and we’ve been real sloppy doing it.

Of course, this is the NL Central.  So until the math cancels us out, there’s no need to give up just yet.

The same cannot be said for the Tampa Bay Rays.

If the Rays were in any division other than the AL East they’d be right in the thick of contention.  Unfortunately, the way things are now, even if they do collect the fourth best record in the AL, they still won’t make the playoffs as long as post season regulars New York and Boston remain above them.  I find this a bit sad, for the Rays have gotten tremendous pitching all season long and they’ve found a way to win without high-priced free agent flops Carl Crawford and Carlos Pena.

But no one’s talking about the Rays.  And no one will.

Hm… reminds me of the one-way delusional street commonly referred to as the Republican Party.


In the case of the Rays, at least they’ll get another shot next year.  Dr. Paul, on the other hand, is stuck in a great big clogged up tube of crazy, and the exit is nowhere to be found.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

A Brief Pause for Insanity

If CNN’s Alex Castellanos hadn’t compared Michele Bachmann to Margaret Thatcher on CNN the other day, I wouldn’t have said anything because the crazies, the Brits and the delusionoids have been saying as much for a while now.  But when something that maniacal is aired to millions of susceptible US Americans, I can’t help but holla some common sense back into the universe.

WISE UP!  GET A GRIP!  DRINK SOME WATER!

Comparing Bachmann to Thatcher is like comparing Wilson Betemit to Babe Ruth!  Seriously!  The only thing Michele Bachmann and Margaret Thatcher have in common is that they both have vaginas!

Bachmann is STUPID.

Bachmann is DELUSIONAL.

Bachmann is a HOMOPHOBE.

She is a clear and present danger to liberty and to even mention her name in the same conversation as Margaret Thatcher’s (did you know she was a chemist by trade?) should be a crime.

And I just couldn’t hold that in, so I didn’t.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Big Trouble In Little Minnesota

I once dated a girl from Wisconsin.  Well, actually, she was from Wisconsin, but she told everyone she was from Minnesota because she was embarrassed by her rural Sconnie roots.  Oh what a difference a decade can make!

Now, hailing from Minnesota will get you all sorts of snickers and sneers.  From the incoherent and elementary mumblings of a psychopath with presidential aspirations to a defunct state government that thinks it should get paid even though it’s not doing any work, the North Star State is looking more and more like the Land of 10,000 Gaffes.

And that’s not even including the moribund Twins!

Believe me, I’m just as shocked as you.  Traditionally, the Twins do everything right.  They see the ball.  They catch the ball.  They use two hands.  From top to bottom, they are the most fundamentally sound franchise in the Big Leagues, which is why they’ve been able to find success despite having a not-so-star studded roster.

But they let their 2010 bullpen of bad@sses go.  When he plays, Joe Mauer has been… er… um… not Joe Mauer.  And between getting his bell rung and having an uncooperative neck, 2006 MVP Justin Morneau has been about as fearsome as a Keenan Cahill video.

Of course, even a stopped clock is right twice a day, which is why the Twins will always be happy to destroy the White Sox.

Unfortunately, that won’t be enough for the Twins to make any noise in the AL Central.  I know the Mike Francescas and Harold Reynolds of the world still have faith, but those people are stupid.  The Twins are done.

I can only hope the same is true for Bachmann and the tepid taxpayers of her dejected state.

Hate me.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a Cub fan’s hopes for a victorious 2011 season, this is gonna be quick, probably ugly and will require more alcohol consumption than a weekend with Lindsay Lohan:

Those Damn Pirates!

By now, everyone on the planet with the barest inkling of baseball acumen is amazed, flabbergasted and floored that, going into the weekend before the All Star Game, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning record.  While a lot of folks find that to be pretty swell, I find it to be a major pain in the @$$, because now half of my jokes aren’t even relevant. Thanks a lot, Clint Hurdle.  At least, there’s always Bachmann… and Palin… and Beck… and, okay, nevermind, everything’s cool.

J.P.!

The RSBS interns recently handed me a report that suggests White Sox outfielder, Juan Pierre, could very well be an RSBS dear reader galore.  In fact, after our very own schlumbach, Johanna Mahmud, went off on a Charlie Sheenian rant slamming the aging speedster, all Pierre did was go 11 for 31 with 2 doubles, 7 RBIs and act as the game winning hero THREE GAMES IN A ROW.  To even hint that J.P. is in the same class of awful as Chone Figgins and Raul Ibanez should be a crime.  So, next time I see Mr. Mahmud, I’m gonna shoot his eyes with Sriracha and cut off his supply of Goldfish crackers.

Ernie Has Lost His Mind!

Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks, was recently quoted as saying the following about current Cubs shortstop, Starlin Castro:

“He’s a great player. He can hit, he can throw. He’s a good young player. He’s better than me.”

*HEAD TWISTS AROUND ITSELF, EYES POP OUT, TONGUE RENDERED USELESS*

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Look, the kid is good.  But he’s like 10 years old and is baseball stupid.  He makes mistakes… all the time!  I hope this isn’t a sign that Banks isn’t all there.  For a team that doesn’t have much to feel good about, at least they can always feel good about Mr. Cub — that is, until he loses his mind, which may have already happened…

Happy Friday!  Call a cab!  It’s easy!

Jeff

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 66 other followers