Results tagged ‘ Rod Blagojevich ’

2008: Rest In Peace (Part I)

RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpgStill pissed off that Santa didn’t bring me the one thing I wanted most this year (a competent General Manager running the St. Louis Cardinals), I have little choice but to fully embrace the intangible magic of humility.  In doing so, I have decided to channel the tenacity of my bitterness and turn it into sincere, reflective admiration for all that has been accomplished here at RSBS this year.

Not only did we create a unique baseball-politico universe full of hyperbolic criticism and satirically erratic fandom, we also had the good fortune of being surrounded by fabulously smart and like-minded baseball nuts with passionate political views within the MLBlogosphere.

Indeed, in 2008, we saw dreams come true; we saw corruption, glory, beauty, heartbreak, Cinderella, more corruption, more beauty and more heartbreak.  We saw it.  We reported it.  We ripped it to shreds.

In honor of RSBS‘ rapturous reportage, babbling blabberings and partisan posts, I have pulled out the top three 2008 RSBS entries written by that misguided Tiger fan you have all learned to feel sorry for… the one and only Mr. Allen Krause. 

The 1st Runner-Up:

Diversionary Tactics — September 18, 2008
A fat incompetent college football coach, a Broadway musical composer and an old Topps baseball card featuring a solid porn mustache have never made such sweet, sweet love.

The Runner-Up:

Golden Parachutes — December 10, 2008
Hip, Sexy, Current… these three words don’t just sound like a hit NBC mini-series; they also describe the tone of this well-written commentary exploring the ins and outs of our ever-failing government, the ever-declining mystique of Detroit sports franchises and the ever-growing… well, fellas, you know what I’m tryin’ to say… (*Ladies, please ignore that last line ;-)

…and the Winner is:

Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview — October 1, 2008
Hardly known for his loquaciousness, Mr. Krause really put it to dear readers galore with this existentialist exercise in post-modern fantasy capped off by… well… by being RIGHT.  Fine tuned to the unique political and social caricatures of our dear elected leaders, my colleague done me proud with this little ditty of a post — so much so that I… well… I peed a little from all the excitement.

Go ahead, hate me, folks.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

What to do While You Wait for the Trip to End

dockellis.jpgToday is a sad day. Dock Ellis is dead. Now, to be completely honest, I had no idea who Dock Ellis even was but his greatest accomplishment makes him more than a Hall of Famer in my book. Not only did he throw a no-hitter, he did it while tripping the lights fantastic under the influence of LSD. That, my friends, is impressive. I think my favorite quote from his description of the game is, “They say I had about
three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a
ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit
hard and never reached me.”

That’s the beauty of drugs. Things are never quite what they seem. We expect a little bit more from our politicians, though. For instance, this whole Blago corruption case is slowly turning into a long and really bad trip. Is he a big d-bag? I think that one goes without saying. Is he guilty of corruption? Well, that’s kind of open to debate. But will it be over anytime soon? Only if you consider Easter to be soon.

So what do we do in the meantime? If you live in the Midwest, there’s a pretty simple answer. You get out your snow shovels and try to figure out where you parked your car. If you live in DC, you continue debating the relative merits of renting out your apartment for the inauguration or sticking around for one of the most historic events in our nation’s history. And if you’re a Steinbrenner, you keep trying to recession-proof MLB by throwing money around like it’s going out of style.

However, you could also follow Dock’s example and drop some acid while hoping you don’t suddenly find out that you’re involved in a major sporting event this evening. Your choice.

-A

“When It’s Time for the Easter Bunny”

its gonna happen.jpgIn case you haven’t heard, dear readers, the crookedly gangsta guh’v’nuh of my state with the perfectly awful forehead hair will resign… well, sorta… I mean, he will resign only if it’s obvious he is unable to govern the state.  And despite the current melee of federal charges and bipartisan disgust for all things Blagojevich, good old Rod thinks he can still do a darn good job of governing for the people of Illinois — the people he’s been dying to to talk to.  According to Blago himself, he’s “a fighter“, which is more than we can say about his precious Cubs, who are quite comfortable getting swept and humiliated in the NLDS two years in a row now.  But not Blago.  Nah, he ain’t going down without a fight, gobdangit! 

Sam “Don’t-Call-Me-Boston-Lager” Adams, one of criminal defense guru Ed Genson’s Chi-town cronies, enlightened us all by saying that said resignation wasn’t necessary now as we approach the Christmas season.  Beside erroneously assuming all Illinoisans are of the Christian faith, Mr. Adams went on an unnecessary tirade punctuated by a guarantee that if it was obvious Blago couldn’t govern “when it’s time for the Easter bunny” that we could all look for a resignation then.

Gee, that seems fair.

Hijack the highest political post in Illinois for three (or four? who knows?) months until it’s absolutely certain that he is the jerkwad we all know he is?

Damn.  Sure feels good to be Joe Taxpayer.  Who’s with me? 

The only reason I’m not punching someone in the face right now is because deep down, this Blago drama is better than anything on television right now — and until the baseball season starts, I could use that bit of drama.

Just think of all the excitement that will have gone down “when it’s time for the Easter bunny”:

Mark Teixeira will be rich.

The St. Louis Cardinals will be destined for another year of mediocrity.

Barack Obama will be the president.

Manny Ramirez will be rich… and weird.

The San Diego Padres will be awful.

A republican sex scandal most certainly will have stolen the Blago thunder.

Kyle Farnsworth will still be crying.

The ten inches of snow in my front yard will almost be gone.

Dumb Cub fans will be repeating their perennial mantra “this is our year” despite the fact that it — like every other year — clearly is not.

and…

Sam “Don’t-Call-Me-Pumpkin-Ale-Either” Adams will have swallowed his own tongue while watching his client — coiffed hair, lynch-mobbed and all — walk away in handcuffs.

I’m just sayin’…don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy “So-What-If-I-Sit-At-Home-Alone-On-A-Friday-Night-Drinking-Cherry-Wheat” Lung

Second City DYING to Catch Not-So-New Axis of Evil

al capone.jpgMy rackets are run on strictly American lines and they’re going to stay that way.
                  Al Capone (1899-1947)

Dear readers, whilst the baseball mavericks in New York, Boston and New York haggle and jockey for the mightiest and heftiest of major league players (the Sabathias, the Burnetts, the Mannys, the Teixeiras, the K-Rods, the Putzes, blah blah blah) both Chicago teams — the ugly step-sisters of large market franchises — have been busy making equally impressive moves that not only represent the unattested clout of the City of Big Shoulders but also prove that no matter how much money the Northeast Axis of Evil throws at free agents, Chicago still has that good ‘ole familiar, untouchable charm.

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
                         — Al Capone

Perhaps this was the motivation for Joey Gathright to become a Cub.  Now that’s clout!  When I first heard the news, I thought to myself: Wow, the Cubs really showed ‘em who’s boss with that move.  Take that Jake Peavy and Kevin Towers.  Yeah, take that.  The Cubs got Gathright.  Whoowee, watch out world!

But the Chicago melee of off-season moves didn’t just stop there!  No, the White Sox kept ‘em comin’ with that miraculous acquisition of Wilson Betemit and mind-blowing one-year signing of DeWayne Wise! 

And wait!  There’s more…

New York, you think you had a crooked governor?  Ha! 

http://www.nbcchicago.com/syndication?id=36300869&path=%2Fhome%2Ftop_stories

You hear that?  He’s “dying” to talk to we citizens of Illinois.  Dying!  See, our seedy politicians don’t just quit when the heat starts coming down on them.  No.  They stick around, hire expensive, slick-talkin’ lawyers and go for winter jogs in Ravenswood!  BOO-YEAH!  

Of course, New York (and you too, Boston), it should be known that Chicago isn’t just a harbor for back-alley gangsters and pay-to-play nepotists; no, we also breed crooked wife-killin’ cops who not only get away with murder but crooked wife-killin’ cops who get away with murder TWICE!  Then we celebrate when said crooked wife-killin’ cop gets engaged… again!  Duh, my friends.  Everyone knows that happiness comes in threes.  The Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times are already preparing for the inevitable, mysterious disappearance of Drew Peterson’s latest (and perhaps craziest?) fiancé — what normal people call “murder” — but this is Chicago!  We do things our way — the US American way!

“Now I know why tigers eat their young.”
                — Al Capone

Me too, dear readers.

Look, it’s true.  I love Chicago.  I really do.  It has character, it has heart, it has Oprah. 

And yes, when it comes to dueling with the New Yorks (and subsequent Bostons) of the world, certainly, we have an inferiority complex bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s mouth at an all-you-can-eat Ponderosa buffet; but the fact remains:

We’re awesome.

Wilson Betemit will prove it in 2009.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Tough Questions and Premature Answers

kennedy_coiff.jpgAnd here I thought this was supposed to be the slow point in the RSBS year. The elections are over (well, mostly) and baseball is still a couple months away from pitchers and catchers reporting. What could we possibly have to debate or comment on? Luckily, though, this is not your normal year. Thank god for shoe-throwing Iraqis, Kennedy-coiffed Illinois pols and baseball’s winter meetings.

With all of the problems facing the United States right now, it’s important that we ask the important questions. Like, is shoe chucking an attention getting scheme or a legitimate critique of American foreign policy? (Here’s a hint on that one. Anyone who actually understood the Middle East would not claim that the act was just about attention. Throwing your shoe is a mortal insult. If a shoe had been thrown at Zinedine Zidane, he would have head-butted the thrower.)

Or, with the city of New York involved in a free agency bubble that rivals the housing bubble and internet bubble combined, have the Mets become as evil as the Yankees or is their dauphin status chronic?

However, if we aren’t willing to answer these questions or concentrate on the imminent and necessary demise of the Big Three and the impending credit card crisis, there’s really only one other place we can go for solutions: the demented but brilliant mind of Andy Samberg.

Seriously, if that’s not a critique of US foreign policy, I don’t know what is.

-A 

Pay-Rod: MSNBC’s Liberal Use of Famed MLB Moniker Proven Inaccurate

rod blagjojevich.jpgMSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews led off its December 15th
broadcast with the teaser line “Pay-Rod” next to a photo of a
disgruntled, egomaniacal Rod Blagojevich — a clear shot at the
shortcomings of Blago’s esurient character aimed to compare him to
Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez.  The joke here is obvious: pay to play.  But MSNBC got this baseball-politico comparison wrong and as the de facto authority on such surreptitious simile, allow me to tell you why:

alex rodriguez.jpgCall him greedy, call him seedy, call him needy: A-Rod (aka “Pay-Rod”) still produces results (*post-season not included in this study).

He
demands and receives big money because he is arguably the best player
out there; simple supply-and-demand economics only follow suit. 

Blago,
however, does not.  His record low approval rating (even prior to
Patrick Fitzgerald’s accusations) rivaled only that of our Dear Leader
Bush.  His refusal to live in Springfield has long angered tax-payers
and politicians alike.  His swashbuckling appropriations of state funds
caused him to be a Chicago Tribune target.  And let’s face it: his
hairdo sucks.

But the most appalling of all Blago character traits is his cocky swagger, his self-righteous talking points, his relentless refusal to come clean — to face the Federal music and tell the public what exactly is/has been going on.

In other words…

Rod Blagojevich is the Barry Bonds of politics.

Just as…

Marion Barry
is the Josh Hamilton…. and…

David Duke is the Ty Cobb… and…

Barney Frank is the Billy Bean

If we’re going to throw out catchy baseball player references in
relation to controversial politicians, MSNBC, let’s make sure they’re
accurate, shall we?

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Ron Santo’s Hall of Fame Caveat Has Helmet-Hair

ron santo rod blagojevich.jpg

Perhaps the Veterans Committee knows something we don’t…

This is Illinois.  This is Chicago, Illinois.

And in the Second City anything is possible.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Humble Handshakes & Fiery Fistbumps: RSBS from the Top

obama fist bump.jpgVenerable MLBlogocrat and de facto Dear Leader, Mark Newman, announced yesterday that Red State Blue State sits atop the 2008 MLBlogosphere as the number one fan blog in the… well… in the entire universe.  With that, I’d like to say that Kanye West is full of crap. 

It ain’t lonely at the top.

Because this honor would not have been possible without you, Dear Readers.  Ravenously hungry for the special RSBS blend of baseball and politics only available through the uncensored blabberings of me and my colleague, the oft jaded Mr. Allen Krause, we humbly tip our hats to you for making this dream a reality.

In lieu of this special occasion, I, personally, would like to take a moment and sincerely thank each and every one of you in the MLBlogosphere: the bloggers, the commentors, the administrators, the techie nerds behind the curtain and of course MLB.com

Any regular RSBS patron knows that our unique brand of blasphemy and argumentative analysis would simply not be possible without all of the above.

In addition, I would also like to thank:

Mom — for birthing me and everything else ;-)
The St. Louis Cardinals — for giving me a reason to live every spring
The Chicago Whitesox — for being in my neighborhood and luring me in with Connie’s pizza
Dad — for teaching me that I didn’t have to become a Major Leaguer to be successful (though it would’ve certainly helped)
The Chicago Cubs — for dreaming the impossible dream and providing blog fodder galore
Barack Obama — for convincing people that “Yes, We Can”
2007 Ms. Teen South Carolina — for being my US American muse
The Prince of New York – for being my must-read blog of the day, every day
Allison Stokke — for being hot

…and finally…

Mr. Allen Krause — for being a dear friend willing to take my hyperbolic haymakers and verbal vanquishings without being too much of a baby about it.

Recent news has shown us that, indeed, Lord Acton was right: “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

But you don’t have to worry about us… we’re just a couple of twelve-year olds trapped in thirty-year old bodies who don’t have the know-how to wield power or even consider being corrupt. 

We love baseball.

And when you really think about it, isn’t that enough?

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Golden Parachutes

dupre photo.jpgThis is awesome! And of course by “this,” I’m referring to Illinois Governor Rod Blago-”trailer hitch” being arrested. What this means is that the past nine months have seen the downfall of the the governors of two of the nation’s most populous states. Now, I think that Blago-”I have an itch” definitely takes the cake because you need cojones to straight up extort money in return for a seat in the Senate.

But, Eliot Spitzer’s now well-known sexual preferences are nothing to sniff at. And, unlike former President Clinton, at least Spitzer went for a good looking girl (even if he did have to pay for it). Now, the one thing that could make this year complete is if we found out that Arnold Schwarzenegger has been having secret Nazi orgies in one of his California mansions. Europe is already all over this one but there are still 3 weeks left. C’mon, Arnie! Give us the trifecta. We’ve earned this!

When it comes to things that are not awesome, though, this year’s Detroit Lions would have to rank right up there. Yes, like Mr. Lung said, I am a Lions fan. I have always been a Lions fan. Just like I was and remain a Tigers fan, even when they came perilously close to setting a modern day record for futility. The sun is shining in MoTown, though. Matt Millen has left Ford Field and if the Lions can copy the Tigers’ story, in about 3 years we should finally see a Lions team that makes it to the Super Bowl! It’s bittersweet since history tells us that the Lions will then get destroyed as a result of their quarterback (Graham Harrell? Nate Davis? Scott Mitchell?) fumbling several times leading to back-breaking scores. However, at least we will finally be able to say we played in a Super Bowl!

No, when it comes down to it, things could be much worse. No matter how bad things may appear, at least the Feds don’t have you on tape saying:

“I’ve got this thing and it’s f***ing golden, and, uh, uh, I’m just not giving it up for f***in’ nothing. I’m not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there.”

Nice work, Rod. That’s some kind of golden f***ing parachute.

-A

The Ron Santo Crybaby Camp Overshadows An Otherwise Respectable Career

chicago aerial.jpgAs a Chicagoan, I am expected to accept and endure the following three basic tenets of Chicago life, otherwise known as the Three C’s:

1.  Crappy weather

2.  Corrupt politicians

3.  Crybaby Cub fans

Because I love this fair second city and all the headaches associated with its underground, battled, scar-bearing character, I generally acquiesce and forego my impetus to break bones and punch walls in reaction to the ceaseless bombardment and annoying abundance of those Three C’s

But on a day like today, when it’s 30-some degrees outside with a steady, sloppy rain pouring down… when our dear Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich is arrested at his Northside home on federal corruption charges… when the Ron Santo camp is hogging headline space by going through its annual crybaby routine… when all three of these things converge on the same day in one unforgiving onslaught of discomfort, I am left exhausted, irked and very, very thankful that I am anti-gun.

It’s just too much for one man to take.

The weather, yeah.  Like an unwanted pregnancy, it happens.  We deal with it.

rod blagojevich.jpgBlagojevich, yeah.  I think we all knew he was a crook.  I met him at the 95th Street/Dan Ryan Expressway CTA station on election day 2006.  He smiled, shook my hand, patted me on the shoulder.  Five minutes later, as I was left admiring the indescribable solidity of his hair, I realized my wallet was gone.

But when it comes to the Hall of Fame hopes of one Ron Santo, I have absolutely had enough.  Enough!

I mean, when a woman says “no”, she means “no”, stupid.  If you ignore that you’re a rapist.

ron santo.jpgLikewise, when the Hall of Fame, whether it be the BBWAA, the Veterans Committee or the Baseball Gods themselves say “no” for twenty-five years, they mean “NO!!!!!… and stop bugging us.”  Because just like the yearly lament of “this is our year”, the we-were-robbed cries for Ron Santo routine is getting extremely old and intensely aggravating. 

Rick Morrissey, of the now bankrupt Chicago Tribune, cried out to his drones of readers, “What don’t Hall voters see in Santo?”

They don’t see a Hall of Famer, that’s what, Rick.  If doing the same thing over and over and over again while expecting different results is insanity then the crybaby Santo camp is absolutely DERANGED!

Get over it.

Ron Santo was a great baseball player.  He wasn’t one of the greatest of all time but he was better than average, better than good, better than what Cub fans have turned him into over the last several years: a whiny, sore losing, crybaby.  It’s not Ron’s fault.  Leave him alone.  He’s on your side.  Quit making him look like the fat kid in gym class that no one wants on his team.

You have a stronger case with Andre Dawson so go cry about that for a few decades, will ya?  By then Blagojevich might be ready to enter a work-release program cleaning up the beaches that will surround the then island of Chicago (it’s a polar ice cap melting thing).

So yeah, go ahead.  Hate me.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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