Results tagged ‘ Roger Clemens ’

Translations of a Maniac

john_mozeliak.jpgSorry, folks, I am through pontificating on Alex Rodriguez (for now) and ready to get back to baseball talk that does not include scandalous tirades on the poor policing of the game.

Wait, no… that is a lie.

Because the St. Louis Cardinals released their clubhouse infecting second baseman Adam Kennedy this week and GM John Mozeliak, by simply opening his mouth, has opened the door for more ridicule from those of us who should actually matter the most (the fans) but continuously get tossed aside like a Roger Clemens B-12 filled syringe.

So Kennedy is gone.  Great.  Ask me if I care. 

I don’t.

What I do care about is the $4 million we are paying him for 2009 anyway.  Mozeliak said:

“I tried to exhaust the trade market. We thought we might have something happening that really came to an end
this weekend. At that point it was just time. It was more fair for both
parties to do it now than wait a couple weeks.”

Translation: I am not very good at my job.

You mean to tell me, Mr. Mozeliak, that no team in Major League Baseball was willing to trade for Kennedy?  No team!?!  None?!?  You couldn’t get one minor league guy, one nobody, one journeyman reliever for Adam Kennedy? 

Give me a break.  But in all fairness, Mr. Mozeliak, you are right about one thing.  That was a fair deal for the Kennedy camp.  More than fair.  Here’s $4 million, Adam.  Sit on your ^ss, dude.  Have a good time.  Go out and get a league minimum one-year deal from some team and live off the fat of the Cardinals’ land.

I suspect he will.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals fan forums, blogs and message boards are lighting up with “what the hell do we do now”s; some delusional fans have even gone as far as to suggest Mozeliak may go out and sign a free agent second baseman like Orlando Hudson or Mark Grudzielanek to fill the empty space.

Ha!  I laugh in your face!  For you know not the true nature of our general manager:

“Right now, we’re going to go with what we have. We would like to do this internally if we could, and we do have confidence that we can.”

piggy lord of the flies.jpgTranslation: I have the conch!  Not you!  Me!  It’s mine mine mine mine mine!  All mine!  And I say let’s get these suckas in the ballpark without assembling a competitive team.  Why not?  Those silly fans have already proven that they’ll support a crappy team; we can do that on the cheap and still rake in millions!  Sell ‘em t-shirts and Busch Light and bobbleheads that are way overpriced!  They love that s***!

Mozeliak finished by saying:

“I do think this [releasing Kennedy for nothing while still paying him $4 million] was an opportunity to inject some energy into that
position and really show that we are moving this club in a newer
direction.”

Translation: This club is built to fail.  I signed Trever Miller and Royce Ring to further weaken an already deplorable bullpen that blew 31 saves last year.  My major off-season acquisition of shortstop Khalil Greene hit a mind-blowing .212 last season, I haven’t even tried to land a closer and I am taking Ludwick and Ankiel to arbitration because I want to make them feel uncomfortable about playing in St. Louis.  And as soon as this season is over and we have been embarrassed by the Cubs and Brewers, LaRussa and Duncan will walk and I’ll have this team right where I want it: going nowhere!

At least Ballpark Village is right on track:

ballpark village.jpg

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Oh, It’s Got to be About Job Creation, Too

It’s Friday and I’m feeling kind of lazy but I wanted to point out that the Latest Leaders are out and you’ve even managed to humble Jeff by keeping us #1 among the fan blogs. I’m not exactly sure why you keep coming back but I’m assuming it has something to do with us bringing you things like this:

Wait a minute. Is it just me or is that Miss Teen South Carolina running for Vice President of the United States? It’s almost like someone took the intellect of Ricky Henderson and mixed it with the temperament of Ty Cobb. It’s like….it’s like…..well, I guess it’s kind of like this:

http://www.thedailyshow.com/sitewide/video_player/view/default/swf.jhtml

Oh Jeebus, we’re all gonna’ die.

-A

Speaking of Losers…

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for loser.jpgJust when I thought the Chicago Cubs had genuinely forgotten how to lose this season they surprised me and went on a well-deserved five-game losing streak.  For the last several days, seeing them falter to the festering Phils and resurgent Astros, I have been reminded that indeed: they are still the Cubs.  And losing Carlos Zambrano for a stretch due to rotator cuff tendinitis sure won’t help their case to win the Central.

Now, am I willing to go there and say there’s a chance they could continue on this hapless streak, not win the Central and miss the playoffs entirely?  Not on your life, dear reader.  I’d like to have the guile to say that, but I’m just not that dumb.  I’ve been watching this team destroy my worldview all year long and I don’t expect them to stop until they reach the playoffs. 

Just set your clocks for them losing in the first round.

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for kwame kilpatrick.jpgAnd since we’re on the topic of losers, let me add to the list that my not-exactly-humble colleague, Allen Krause, so graciously offered

As a head-in-the-sand Tiger fan, I’m sure Mr. Krause will appreciate the losership of one Detroit ex-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his likely fall from power.  Now I have bashed Kwame for his idiocy in the past, but I must admit how impressed I am that he was able to get those charges (perjury, assault, etc) dropped to just a couple counts of obstruction of justice.  I guess when you’re that big and that scary looking you can get away with being an ^sshole — just ask Roger Clemens.

Or ask his former team, the New York Yankees, who are vying for the top spot in disappointing loserdom this season.  While the curtain hasn’t made its final descent on the Yankee stage, you can be sure that the damn thing is on fire and burning into oblivion, as are the hopes and dreams of a Yankee post-season appearance.  The Prince of New York has done them in — read article — and so have I. 

There.  I just did it. 

Did you see that?

carlos quentin.jpgNo?  Okay, well, did you see that White Sox sensation Carlos Quentin is out with a wrist injury for an undetermined amount of time?  If you’re a Sox fan, this is not good news and you should be invoking the baseball gods for Ken Griffey, Jr. to return back to his 1997 form right now.  Give up your first born… eat a cat… whatever, you gotta do something.  And let me tell ya, the worst amount of time to be out of the lineup is an ‘undetermined amount of time.’  I had a girl tell me that she wanted to see other people for an ‘undetermined amount of time’ and that didn’t go so well.

But let me tell you about the loser in Jordan — yes, that’s right, the country: The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan —  who did a Yahoo! search for:


“what outlandish mean you are red white and blue”

…and was lucky enough to find the RSBS blog as the first site to pop up.

Gee, that guy was probably all excited to find some US Americans to hate on but instead what he found was a plethora of ingenious posts written by two well-spoken, edumacated MLBloggers with the propensity to post pictures of pretty, powerful, secular women whom would never be invited to serve as one of the seventy-two virgins.

Ouch.  Don’t hate me on that one ‘cuz you know I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Filibuster

Earlier this week, Jamaican Usain Bolt proved to the sporting world that indeed speed sells. With MLB’s recent crackdown on PEDs subsequently limiting the homerun game, is it possible that baseball will start to see an increase of importance on the running game or have we already seen the last of players like Rickey Henderson, Vince Coleman and Lou Brock?

– Jeff

                                                                                     

Liu_Xiang.jpgRunning is a much more complicated process than it was when we played tag in kindergarten. As our good friend Sen. Obama has shown us time and again, it is not without its pitfalls. And as Chinese hurdler, Liu Xiang, showed us, it is not without its pain.

But there are some people who just make it look easy. Michael Johnson, Carl Lewis, Usain Bolt. All of them make sprinting look as simple as hitting a home run looks for Manny Ramirez. Maybe they’re genetic freaks (or just straight up freaks as in the case of Manny), but there’s no denying they have a talent that 99.9% of the world just doesn’t have. It’s not so much what they do or how they do it but the fact that they can go out and replicate the feat on a consistent basis that sets them apart.

However, running does play an important role in the great American pastime. As much as I hate to have to think about it, much less mention it, one of the reasons that Cardinals beat the Tigers in the 2006 World Series was because the Cardinals had a running game that always put them in a position to score while the Tigers relied on brute strength that seemed to escape them when they needed it most. So, in that respect, I would argue that the question is moot in and of itself.

The running game has always been important for clubs that can’t afford to go out and buy sluggers. Now, the question is if the decrease in power will start to affect the Yankees, Tigers and Red Sox of the world. Again, I’d have to say that successful teams have usually found a way to combine the two elements.

johnson-ben.jpgLook at the Oakland A’s of late 80’s. Although they had the two most prolific juicers outside of Sammy Sosa on one team, they also had Rickey Henderson, Mr. “Rickey’s the Best” himself. And Canseco, although he could pound the ball, also did quite well for himself on the basepaths.

However, thoughts of Mr. Canseco and his ill-begotten physique bring me to another important point. Speed and doping aren’t always mutually exclusive. In fact, sometimes they’re regular kissing cousins as the the pride of Canada, Ben Johnson, can attest to. The crackdown on PEDs in MLB might lead to a general and overall slowing down of the game from the way it is played today. Remember, it wasn’t just the the Barry Bonds of the world who were looking for that little extra. It was also the Roger Clemens. And who knows how that might have also played into the speed game.

usain_bolt.jpg
obamasox2.jpgSo, I think the answer to your question is that we have not seen the end of an era and that players who have great legs and a great jump will continue to be sought after. The thing that you have to take into account, though, is that you can’t steal a base or try for the hit-and-run unless you have someone on base in the first place. That was Rickey’s true talent, his ability to get himself in scoring position. And if you want to take it full-circle, it’s also the talent Mr. Obama has shown to this point in getting himself nominated. However, now we have to wait and see if he can find a way to bring it home just like Mr. Bolt.

-A

Allison Stokke & Colby Rasmus Will Be Missed… Roger Clemens? Not So Much

Allison.Stokke.jpgFinally, there is something to distract me from  the escalating woes of St. Louis’ bullpen, the blooming ERA of the White Sox pitching staff and the rumor mill officially known as Veepstakes!.  Yes, dear readers, it is time for another Olympiad.  The story lines are plenty, but first and foremost my focus will be on whether or not the Chinese follow through on their promise to change the weather to their specifications.  They have made great strides in weather modification (I heard the North Koreans gave them a hand with the necessary plutonium) so I really look forward to seeing them turn off the rain and turn on the sunlight.  I am also curious to see how successful they are in duping athletes into thinking that the ominous, smoky, gray haze really is just fog and not smog like the big bad foreign devils claim.  And of course, we all look forward to watching sappy melodrama after sappy melodrama, narrated by Bob Costas, featuring Olympians who overcame war, severed limbs and mange to compete on the world’s stage.

Interesting as the above may be, still, as a proud US American, I must say that the two main story lines I looked forward to the most will not be present in Beijing.  And this, dear readers, makes me sad.

Because ever since Deadspin made her an internet sensation, I have long dreamed to watch California pole-vaulting vixen Allison Stokke turn multicultural heads.  When I found out she didn’t make the USA team, I was crushed.  In my depressed stupor, I chugged a 40 oz., plucked out a few of my eyebrows, and drunk-dialed everyone I knew. 

No one answered the phone.

If you’re one of those people unfamiliar with the greatness that is Allison, you don’t need to know much.  These pictures will provide all the necessary information:

allison stokke 2.jpgThumbnail image for Allison.stokke 3.jpg
Thumbnail image for allison-stokke 4.jpgallison.stokke 5.jpg
colby.rasmus.jpgBesides Ms. Stokke, the presence of St. Louis Cardinal top-prospet Colby Rasmus will also be missed.  Touted as the ‘next big thing’ in the Cardinals farm system, I have been ravenous to watch him play.  With a measly .249 average and just 11 homeruns in 329 at-bats, I know he hasn’t had quite the year everyone expected him to at Triple-A Memphis, but there’s no telling what putting on the Red, White & Blue uni could do to a player.  Unfortunately, a leg injury will keep him from making the trip so I will be left to watch Davey Johnson manage the likes of Gronkiewicz, LaHair, Segovia and Bacsik — very US American-like names that I’ve never heard before.

Roger Clemens 2.jpgOf course, there will be one big name I’m glad I won’t have to see play, whine, cry, shoot-up, whatever and that is Roger Clemens.  There was some hinting that he might make a run at pitching for Team USA and all I can say is that I am very pleased that general manager Bob Watson quickly dismissed any potential shenanigans involving Mr. Clemens.  After the Marion Jones fiasco, the last thing US America needs is to have another steroid scandal — especially one involving the most detractive PED user this side of the Atlantic.

chewbacca.jpgThe decision to keep Clemens at home with his underaged and/or married love affairs was elementary my dear Bob Watson and I thank you for making it.  In fact, I, and the rest of US America, applaud you for it.  That being said, I don’t quite agree with your hasty acquisition of Chewbacca for the starting pitching rotation.  His fastball is a little weak and I’m not so sure he’s from our country — or planet for that matter.  Did you check his birth certificate?

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I ask the tough questions, Watson, and don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!

Jeffy

Slaying Allen’s Specters

Doggie guru Cesar Millan has taught me many a valuable life lesson.  The first — and most important — is that I am the pack leader.  In order to maintain pack leader status, I must emit a calm yet dominant energy.  A brief scan of recent RSBS posts would be more than enough to convince every living being of my fulfillment of this necessary role.  Second: happiness comes from excercise, discipline, then affection, in that order and in that order only.  Food is optional.  Just ask the Olsen twins.  They seem to be doing fine.  But sometimes, dear readers, these are not enough.  Fear is an untouchable giant among short people and fear can cause myriad setbacks to one’s personal success, satisfaction, serenity.
 
For this reason, I have decided not to argue with Mr. Krause on his most recent ramblings regarding MLB playoff restructuring.  Despite his fixation on how greedy and seedy MLB front offices tend to be and besides his disconnect with the purism-is-passion campaign I so wholeheartedly support, he does make a few good points.  In short, nothing is going to change right now, so I might as well get used to it and hope for the best.

Just for today, I’m content with that.

Fear, which has long been an issue my Tiger-lovin’ friend has struggled with, must be addressed.  If I were to walk away without confronting his deepest, underlying and now-in-the-open anxieties, I would be a poor voice for US Americans.  In his last post, he let it be known that:

“…a specter came back to haunt me today…”

That specter’s name is Jeff Samardzija — Notre Dame superstar and latest edition to the Chicago Cubs pitching staff.  Admittedly, I share no love for the man just as I share no love for Notre Dame nor the Cubs; however, to me, he is a man.  Unfortunately for Mr. Krause, Samardzija has taken on an entirely phantasmal nature capable of penetrating and destroying his entire being.

And Samardzija is not the only one…

Dear readers, this must stop.  It must stop today.  And as Cesar has so rightfully taught us, it will stop by confronting, defeating and slaying.  Attention all specters inhabiting Allen Krause’s mind: Be Gone!

regis.philbin.jpgRegis Philbin, Be Gone!
Famed Notre Dame alumnus known for entertaining housewives for over two decades now, this specter haunted Allen by asking “Who wants to be a millionaire?” to which Allen responded, “Who wants my foot in his ^ss?”

lidge_clemens.jpgThe Combination of Brad Lidge and Roger Clemens, Be Gone!
Lidge went to Notre Dame and became a fire-balling closer infamous for losing his mind under pressure.  Clemens wore a Notre Dame jersey for a publicity stunt and pressured his body by juicing it until he lost his mind.

Hannah-Storm.jpgHannah Storm, Be Gone!
This Notre Dame graduate (are you seeing a pattern develop?) became a female sports broadcasting star with NBC — the ultimate purveyor of all-things Fighting Irish.  In specter form, she subliminally caused Allen’s abhorrent distaste for white women.

phil.donahue.jpgPhil Donahue, Be Gone!
He’s loud.  He’s obnoxious.  He’s much older than Allen yet has more hair.  He supports Ralph Nader.  And oh yeah, he went to Notre Dame.

Carl.yastrzemski.jpgCarl Yastrzemski, Be Gone!
With that name, it’s hard to believe he went to Notre Dame but it’s true.  He did.  And his nickname was “Yaz”, which spelled backwards is “Zay”, like the language spoken in Ethiopia.  And you know what you can find in Ethiopia?  Missionaries.  Catholic missionaries.  Catholic missionaries who have ties to Notre Dame.  Yeah, Yaz’s specter is one that runs circles around Mr. Krause’s mind.

antonin.scalia.jpgAntonin Scalia, Be Gone!
Not a Notre Dame grad, but he might as well be.  A highly conservative supreme court justice who just happens to be Catholic (not a bad thing in my book — the Catholic part), Allen saw him wearing blue and gold once and jumped to conclusions… Scalia’s been fear-mongering ever since.

aaron.heilman.jpgAaron Heilman, Be Gone!
You guessed it.  A Notre Damer.  Also pitches in New York, for the Mets.  Famous for giving up the 9th inning dinger to Yadier Molina that put the Cardinals in the 2006 World Series against the Tigers (whom they eventually destroyed), Allen still holds a grudge against this specter.  Also interesting is the fact that Heilman sounds a lot like Heisman, which is a prestigious college football award bestowed upon Tim Brown — also from Notre Dame — in 1987, which is a year that the Cardinals went to the World Series and the Tigers did not (though they were close).

thomas.jpgClaren
ce Thomas
, Be Gone!
(see Antonin Scalia)

craig.counsell.jpgCraig Counsell, Be Gone!
Notre Dame grad.  Weird batting stance.  Doesn’t wear batting gloves.  ‘Nuff said.

…and finally, the biggest, most bothersome, most destructive specter of them all:

jeff lung with dog.jpgMe.
Nope.  No affiliation with the Fighting Irish.  But I do adore my beagle, come out of arguments on the right side and haunt Allen Krause to the utmost degree…

And I ain’t goin’ anywhere, Al, so you just better get used to it. 

I know it’s tough, but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

I Have a Dirtly Little Secret Too

Edward_Brooke.jpgYesterday Barbara Walters came out and admitted to having a long-time affair with former U.S. Senator Edward Brooke.  It only took her 30 years to disclose, which makes the story that less exciting, but hey, she had a reputation to uphold.  Now that no one cares about her anymore, I see her confession as a very smart move.  There is no such thing as bad press…

paulette_daly.jpgUnless you’re Roger Clemens.  As if using performance-enhancing drugs to get an edge and then lying to a federal grand jury wasn’t enough, it has now become known that Clemens probably had a predatory affair with a 15-year-old girl.  But wait, there’s more: infamous golfer John Daly’s ex-wife, Paulette, is now accused of have having an affair with Roger too!  Yikes!  Drunks, cheaters and hot-heads, boy, that Paulette sure knows how to pick ‘em!  Coincidentally, my mother called me this afternoon to report that she too had an affair with Roger Clemens; but she was quick to point out that she ended the relationship shortly after he said “Your son throws like a girl.  Let’s shoot him up.”

Thanks, Mom.

So all this truth-telling has moved me to disclose my dirty little secret too.  I’m not proud of it; but it’s time to come clean.  A few years ago, when I was at very low point in my life, I had a promiscuous relationship with a mouse.  Yes, a mouse.  We had a love child, and though I haven’t seen him since he was born, I keep track of all of his accomplishments through the newspaper.  Here’s the only picture I have of him.  No matter what distance is between us, I will always love him.  He’s so cute.  I think he has my ear.

mouse_with_ear_on_back.jpg

And if this isn’t enough honest drama for you, the Cardinals v. Cubs series kicks off tonight.  Though the managerial matchup of LaRussa v. Piniella is not as fiery and bound for mischief as LaRussa v. Baker, remember, LaRussa and Piniella have some history too.  Who doesn’t remember the 1990 World Series?

Oh.  No one remembers it.  That’s right.

Nevermind.

In any case, the Cards win this series AND the respect of ESPN.  Okay, maybe only the first part is true, but you know what I mean.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 67 other followers