Results tagged ‘ RSBS Presents ’

RSBS Presents: Class

Everyone has their own definition of class.  It might be what you do, it might be how it’s done.  But like the Supreme Court and porn, we know it when we see it.

Over here at RSBS we also know class and when we see it, we like to point it out. That being said, sometimes a counterfactual can help further refine the boundaries of the definition.  For instance, this is not class:

…nor is his paint-huffing habit.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let’s move on to some guys who don’t turn to inhaling toxic fumes when the situation gets tough.

Jim Riggleman

Sure, we gave Riggleman a shout-out last week but there’s no rule that says we can’t do it twice, right?  I suppose it’s possible that going out and getting drinks while hitting on young ladies right after resigning from a job may not be your idea of class but at RSBS we not only wholeheartedly support his actions, we also kind of hope to follow suit one of these days.

Dave Winfield

RSBS might be a little biased since Mr. Winfield gave us the opportunity to sit down with him in the past but in our minds there’s no denying that the guy is a class act.  Apparently Dave is aware of this fact, too, or at least his PR guys seem to be.  While you might think that advertising your class would preclude you from having class, Winfield is the exception to the rule.  The purple tuxedo don’t lie.

David Hart

Normally when people say that they want their funeral to be a big party, they’re lying through the hole in their teeth.  But when David Hart said it, he not only meant it, he also made it happen.  I have a feeling Vegas is never going to be the same after his buddies blow through $160k.  David Hart, it’s a shame to award a prize posthumously but you win the RSBS class act of the year.

-A

RSBS Presents: Being Right

gop_elephant.jpgI’ll be the first to admit that we point a lot of fingers over here without always recognizing people who are doing a good job.  For instance, Bud Selig, although old, ugly and responsible for some of the worst excesses in the game of baseball’s long history, has also helped several teams secure the funding they needed to build new stadiums and has so far managed to avoid contraction.

The same thing goes for the government.  It’s easy to focus on the guys who show up on MSNBC and Fox News to spout whatever partisan talking points have been approved for the day but we tend to hear a lot less about the guys who stand up and give it to us straight or who quietly support something they believe in personally even if it doesn’t necessarily follow the party line.  So here’s a few guys with whom I generally disagree but who deserve some respect anyway.

William Gates
This one is pretty easy because Gates has actually been a very effective and post-partisan Secretary of Defense.  However, he recently brought it to another level as he took Congress to task for wasteful defense spending and then spoke his mind in front of the graduating class at West Point.  Gates is on his way out so it’s a little easier for him to call it like he sees it but it’s still something worth mentioning.

Samuel Alito
Alito is a conservative’s conservative.  Even when he does something I agree with, it’s usually for a completely different reason than why I would have done it.  However, when he voiced the sole dissent with the Court’s opinion in the Westboro Baptist Church case, you had to feel a little twinge of pride.  Sure, I don’t agree with his legal reasoning and the court made the right decision in light of the First Amendment.  However, Alito expressed what pretty much all the rest of us were thinking when he wrote “In order to have a society in which public issues can be openly and
vigorously debated, it is not necessary to allow the brutalization of
innocent victims like petitioner. I therefore respectfully dissent.”  I respectfully concur.

Dick Cheney
Yep, he made the list, too.  And honestly, generally Dick is a dick.  But like any parent, when you mess with his kids, you wake up a giant.  You don’t want to do that, especially when it’s a giant who shot his own friend in the face with a shotgun.  So it really shouldn’t come as any surprise to find out that Dick does not toe the party line when it comes to gay marriage, especially since one of his daughters is gay.  Cheney even famously parted ways from his Commander in Chief when it came to the issue of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.  Hey, maybe he’s not such a dick after all.

Lindsey Graham
Being a Senator means that sometimes you get to be above the fray.  In general, it’s a contemplative body that acts as a check on the hot-headedness of the House.  So in an era when disentangling the US from any sort of foreign involvement has become the mantra of the Right, it’s nice to see a Senator from the Right stand up and say that what we need is a more robust and intelligent foreign involvement.  You tell ‘em, Lindsey.

Sure, Graham and Gates tend toward the more moderate positions so maybe this isn’t all that bold of a list.  But I still think it’s important to give credit where it’s due.  More than that, it’s nice to see some politicians show some balls.  Too bad the Democrats can’t do it from time to time.

-A

RSBS Presents: Truly Terrible Management

Alan Trammell takes a lot of heat for the Tigers’ 119-loss season in 2003.  Since then, he has coached in the Majors but no one seems willing to give him a second shot at managing.  And that’s probably not completely unfair.  Sure, the teams he managed in 2004 and ’05 may have rebounded from the record in ’03 but they were still 20 or so games under .500.  That doesn’t exactly get you very far in baseball.

However, as bad of a manager as Trammell may have been with the Tigers and no matter how much blame he deserves for that horrible 2003 season, Tram barely even rates a mention when it comes to the truly bad managers.  More than that, in order to truly put his record into context, RSBS takes you on a trip through truly terribly management.

Zine El Abdine Ben Ali
ben_ali.jpgOur journey begins with the recent events in Tunisia.  Now, although the other half of RSBS only knows Tunisia as Tatooine in Star Wars, the country is a real place and it really did just drive out its leader of 30 years.  Mr. Ben Ali took an interesting approach to his position as a footnote in history.  Instead of contenting himself with just looting the riches of his country, he also referred to his fellow Tunisians as “terrorists” for daring to denounce him and then decided to shoot up some of them just to prove his point.  In the end, it didn’t turn out so well and Mr. Ben Ali is now cooling his heels (although probably not literally) in the wonderfully tolerant Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

Bud Selig
bud selig picking nose.jpgCome on, did you think I could make it through a post on bad management without mentioning Selig?  The guy’s record speaks for itself.  From the lameass decision to have the All-Star game count for home-field advantage in the World Series to his incredibly arrogant approach to and mismanagement of the steroids era, Selig stands for everything that is wrong with baseball today.  I wish I had something nice to say about the guy just so I could change things up a bit but I’d only be lying to our readers and to myself.  I’m not willing to do either and so Mr. Selig once again finds himself on an RSBS list.

Mobutu Sese Seko
mobutu.jpgGoing back to Africa but a little ways south of Tunisia, we find the monstrous and monstrously mismanaged country of the Belgian Congo…I mean Zaire…I mean the Democratic Republic of the Congo.  From the escapades of the Belgians to a never-ending civil war, the Congo has much to offer in the way of mismanagement.  However, if you want to single out just one person, you’d have to go with Mobutu.  And if there’s one small little tidbit that encapsulates his mismanagement of the country and its enormous wealth of natural resources, it would have to be this: Mobutu built a landing strip at his personal home near the tiny town of Gbadolite and made sure it was long enough to accommodate a Concorde.  He then proceeded to charter the Concorde on a regular basis to ferry he and his family around the world.

Matt Millen  
millen.jpgAlthough Matt Millen never killed anyone directly, he was a terrible general manager.  In fact, he may be the worst manager ever.  Since the inception of the Superbowl the Lions have
never been a great franchise, but he still managed to take them to new lows. 
And, although he was no longer around when it happened, that 0-16 season
was the real fruit of his handiwork.  Sure, when compared to guys like Mobutu and Ben Ali, Millen may not seem so bad.  Even in comparison to Selig and his giant ears Millen may seem tame in comparison.  But it’s just a ruse.  Bad management aside, the man is evil incarnate and the fact that he still has a job anywhere just proves that the greatest lie the devil ever told was convincing the major networks to put him on the air.

And there you have it.  I’m not saying this list is by any means exhaustive but it has been pretty exhaustively researched and vetted, just like everything else I post here.  And all that aside, you know it must be true because it’s on the internet.

-A

2010: A Year in Review (Pt II)

RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpg2010 offered a little something for everyone.  There were elections in the US, implied succession in the DPRK and in between all that, we even found time to play a little baseball.  2010 was also special because the Krause-Lung powerhouse accomplished a feat that had not even been attempted in many years.  That’s right, we got to hang out on two separate occasions!

In the world of RSBS, we provided the hard-hitting analysis and cheap shots you’ve come to expect.  Cheap shots.  You know, like not once but twice writing on David Paterson and making puns about blindness in both titles.  Luckily we could always fall back to classy topics, like in the tenth edition of the Podcast when the idea of sprinkling AIDS on Bud Selig’s salad somehow slipped out. 

Although Mr. Lung’s interests are legion, he always makes sure to come back to sure-fire crowd pleasers, like the Cubs.  Or pictures of half-naked women.  However, this year Mr. Lung managed to take things to an entirely new level by combining both his hatred of the Cubs AND his love of gratuitous, scantily-clad women.

Ultimately, we kept doing what we have been doing since 2008.  Red State Blue State gets out there and addresses the issues and topics you want to know about, just like the following top five Jeffery Lung bylined entries of 2010:

2nd Honorable Mention:

RSBS Undercover: Jeff as a Yankees Fan, Day 1

Sure, we aren’t the biggest fans of the Yankees over here at RSBS.  But you can’t say we don’t make an effort to be fair.  Mr. Lung took this sense of fair play to a previously unheard of level when he spent several days towards the end of the season as a Yankees’ fan.  To get the full picture you’ll have to read the other two parts but Day 1 sets the tone and sets Mr. Lung on a path that few others have dared to tread.

Honorable Mention:

All Teams Dissed Equally

That famous RSBS sense of fairness also flared up back in March when Jeff addressed the notion that we were biased for or against certain teams and players.  He then proceeded to take the piss out of all 30 teams showing once and for all that bias is only in the eye of the beholder.  Unless you’re talking about the Cardinals in which case, “Guilty as charged.”

2nd Runner Up:

RSBS Sits Down with Ken Griffey, Sr.


2010 was notable for RSBS in the we got the chance to sit down and talk to several Hall of Famers.  The series kicked off with Jeff’s interview of Ken Griffey, Sr. in which Jeff and Ken (can I call you Ken?  Mr. Griffey?  Mr. Griffey, Sr.?) discussed a topic close to all three of us, prostate cancer.  Between the Griffey interview and Strasmas, the end of June turned out to be quite eventful.

1st Runner Up:
This Took 18 Years!?!?

Despite the irreverent tones, RSBS takes both its baseball and its politics seriously.  So when the Congress finally overturned the abomination of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell just before Christmas, it was inevitable we’d have something to say.  Mr. Lung met the challenge head on and delivered an impassioned defense of all that makes America good.

And the Winner is…:

RSBS Sits Down with Hall of Famer Ozzie Smith

There are certain moments that mark us all.  Certain events rest forever in our memories and fundamentally alter our psyches.  I’m guessing Jeff’s interview with Ozzie Smith was one such moments.  Put aside the fact that the guy is a Hall of Famer and one of the best shortstops to have played the game.  Forget that generations of Cardinals’ fans look at his career as the second coming of Christ.  Jeff got to sit down with his childhood hero and talk to him one on one.  That, my friends, is something special.

So, there you have it.  The Year in Review, RSBS style.  And stay tuned as we roll into another year.  There will be baseball.  There will be politics.  And evidently, if Mr. Lung has anything to say about it, there will be gratuitous scantily clad women.

-A

RSBS Presents: Pain

jeff running houston half.jpgMy morose and oft despondent colleague, Mr. Krause, recently addressed our mutual passion for the sport of long distance running, and in doing so, alluded to the fact that such passionate loyalty requires a certain tolerance for pain. 

Indeed, running begets pain.  But said pain often calluses the soul, prepares it for the ultimate fight — whether physical or mental — and breeds a certain unparalleled toughness that can guide one through any hardship.  This I know.

Pain is a binding precursor to ecstasy.  Without it, we wouldn’t know a good thing if it hit us in the face… which, would be ironic in this case, because — depending on what the object hitting us in the face is — that could possibly hurt.

But I digress. 

Perhaps the following irony deficient examples will help better illustrate my point:

Jayson Werth cigar.jpgJayson Werth
(aka Nipple Abrasions — minor yet aggravatingly debilitating)
Congratulations, Washington Nationals, on signing Alfonso Soriano 2.0!  No, seriously, I really am happy for you.  I mean, y’all have had some painfully troublesome moments in your six year history… y’know, like, sucking and all.  Then Strasburg went down… Dunn got away… and now you dole out $18 million a year for SEVEN YEARS to your division rival’s 32 year-old third fiddle.  Um… okay.  The bad news is: you got screwed.  The good news is: it’ll be over in seven years.  By then you will be so learned, so deteriorated, so callused by anguish that every little victory will seem colossal.  Maybe you’ll even smile.  Maybe.

usa-flag-inside-map.jpg‘Merican Politics
(aka Plantar Fasciitis — excruciatingly biting, often chronic)
Eight years of Dubya.  A war in Afghanistan.  A war in Iraq.  The continued waste of an asinine war on drugs, on poverty, on progression in general.  The complete upheaval of congress from one extreme to another, to another, then back to where it started again.  We don’t have healthcare, we do have healthcare, we don’t have healthcare.  We’ve no jobs.  Our farmers are forced to grow crap crops to make corn syrup which is then injected into all your food so that you are prone to overeat, become obese, get diabetes and die.  Yeah.  That’s some real pain right there; makes Canada sound like the Playboy Mansion.  Ms. Teen South Carolina, you with me?

pirates fan.jpgThe Pittsburgh Pirates
(aka Hitting the Wall or “Bonking” — worst case scenario your body loses the ability to function due to depleted glycogen stores)
Two words: Matt Diaz.  Wow.  Just… wow.  Dear readers, when signing Matt Diaz is a big deal, you know your team is in trouble.  In the Pirates’ case, they’ve been in trouble since 1992, they show zero signs of improvement, and life is just gonna get more and more painful for the handful of baseball fans left in Pittsburgh. 

Just remember:

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

My advice?  Go Steelers! 

Hate me ‘cuz I bring da pain, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Allen’s 2010 Post-Partisan Playoff Preview

original_tea_party.jpg

Every year about this time a magical transformation takes place.  Normally sane people go stark, raving mad as they cheer their favorites to the finish.  The coolness in the air mirrors the coolness in neighbors’ stares as some new item of support gets unfurled in the yard.  Promises get made only to be broken soon thereafter.  And that’s just in the world of politics.

We are truly a blessed country because every fall we not only get the insanity of the baseball playoffs, we also get the truly mind-numbing inanity of the November elections.  But this year is extra special because in addition to the antics of Democrats and Republicans, we also get the often unbelievable but usually entertaining shenanigans of the Tea Party.

Over here at RSBS we’ve made a tradition of putting together our annual playoff preview and this year is no exception.  But each edition needs a theme and this year, in honor of our Teabagger friends, the theme just kind of put itself out there.  Let’s get to it.

National League

green_tea.jpg

Like the NL, green tea has pomp, circumstance and history.  The Chinese have been drinking the stuff since Europeans were letting blood to cure sickness and avoiding baths in the belief that water would kill you.  Although it may have never gone away in the Asian world, the green stuff has experienced quite a renaissance in the West with the discovery of all it’s anti-oxidant properties.  Likewise, with the NL finally in the driver’s seat after winning home field advantage at the All-Star game, you have to think they’re feeling a little renaissance of their own is due.  But renaissance in what flavor?

Starting in the east (naturally, since we are talking about tea), we have the two-time defending league champion Phillies, the Japanese green tea of our preview.  It’s classic, you know it and you know you’re probably going to see it again.  Not only that, it just makes sense.  Seriously, how would your bento box taste without the tea accompaniment?  It belongs.

Meanwhile, the Lipton green tea of the NL, Atlanta’s own Braves, somehow found a way to get Bobby Cox back into the playoffs.  Sure, it may not have been your first choice but it will get the job done.  However, it’s also only going to get you so far.  More on that later.

In the heartland, the Reds find representation in the classic Gunpowder variety of green tea.  No one is quite sure how the tea got its name, maybe because it’s rolled into little pellets, maybe because it expands explosively when it hits the water.  But there’s one big problem here.  The way you know the quality is from the size of the balls.  Smaller balls, better quality.  Dusty Baker and his team aren’t exactly known for their small balls.  Do you remember that brawl with the Cardinals?  The Reds, their balls are a little too big.

Finally, out west we find the Giants, the Moroccan mint tea of the baseball world.  It tastes good, there’s a lot to like but something’s a little off.  Maybe it’s not strong enough, maybe there’s too much sugar but for whatever reason, it’s only good in small doses.  That’s probably all right, though, since all we’re going to get from the Giants is a small dose when they exit during the first round.

American League

black_tea.jpg

Black tea found a home in the west but purists still sniff at its lack of tradition.  Sure, it may have more caffeine, it may keep you going but where’s the ceremony?  Now the fans of black tea will argue that theirs is still a noble tradition and despite their blends and flavors and addition of milk, the tea is still central.  You’re not going to have any luck sliding that argument by the tea dogmatists, though.

Since black tea is a western thing, we’ll start out west with the preview as well.  That means we dive straight into a steaming cup of Irish breakfast tea, also known as the Texas Rangers.  Nolan Ryan owns the team and you don’t get much more Irish than that.  However, in the land of black tea, the English reign supreme.  Sorry, Nolan.  It just wasn’t meant to be.

This leads us to Minnesota where the Twins find themselves represented by….wait a minute!  That’s not tea.  That’s herbal tea!  C’mon guys.  I can steep dirt in water and call it tea but everyone is going to know it’s just mud.  Herbal tea is nice when you have a cold but it’s not “tea.”  Hm, I guess that’s kind of fitting since the Twins are a “playoff team” but aren’t really a playoff team.  Or at least won’t be for very long.

From here we find ourselves back east again with two very different teams.  We start with the Rays, the Massala Chai of the baseball world.  There are a lot of flavors going on there, it’s new, it’s hip.  And it definitely works for awhile.  The question is, when the chips are down and you have to pick just one, do you go for the spicy stuff or something proven?

And what could be more proven than the English breakfast tea that is the Yankees.  Personally, I don’t like the stuff but a lot of people do.  Not only that, it’s strong and it gets the job done.  Sure, the tradition may not go as far back as the NL but when you can throw around names like Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and Yogi Berra, you got something going on.

World Series
So what happens next?  Well, it’s pretty simple.  We line them up and see who lasts the longest.  I apologize to everyone who lives west of the Mississippi but when I read the leaves, their fortunes don’t look good.  Texas, Minnesota, San Fran and Cincy all go down in the first round leaving us an east coast finale in both leagues.  I’m sure this doesn’t bother the broadcasters who will be reading tea leaves of their own and I’m sure they’ll be even more happy when the Yankees and the Phillies emerge to once again do battle in the World Series.

So, it comes down to this.  Japanese green tea vs. English breakfast tea.  The fact of the matter is, anyplace else in the world the green tea wins hands down.  But this is America and the Anglo-Saxons decided to let all their chips ride on black a couple hundred years ago.  Good thing they did because the Yankees win again.

-A

RSBS Presents: Great Moments in Beer

old_style_brick.jpg

Whether it’s the crappiness of Old Style at a Cubs game or the deliciousness of Anchor Steam while watching the Giants, beer plays almost as integral a role in baseball as do the bat and ball.  In fact, based on some of my experiences, maybe even a more integral role.  It’s a lot easier to sit through an hour long rain delay when you have a 16 oz. beer in the cupholder in front of you.

Over here at RSBS, we believe in the power of beer.  Sometimes it’s a Miller Lite while watching college football, sometimes it’s the more refined tastes that come out of Michigan’s own Bell’s Brewery.  In honor of all the goodness that beer has brought to our lives, we present our own great moments in beer.

June 4, 1974

10_cent_beer_night.jpg

Of course any list that celebrates the great moments in beer on a baseball blog has to include Cleveland’s infamous 10 cent beer night.  The plan was brilliant and the seats filled up.  It’s just that you can afford to drink a lot of beer when it’s only 10 cents a cup.  And when you’re a baseball fan, your team stinks and you’ve had a lot of beer, well, things can get a little out of hand.  It may not exactly be a positive moment in the history of beer but it definitely counts as a great moment.

1991

swedish_bikini_team.jpg

In the middle of the first Bush presidency, America needed a pick-me-up.  Luckily, beer was there to provide the bootstraps and the pull.  In case you don’t remember quite as vividly as my then 12-year old mind can still recall, 1991 was the year that Old Milwaukee introduced us to the Swedish Bikini Team.  Ok, so they may not have actually been Swedish.  And they may not have been an actual team.  But that doesn’t make the moment any less memorable.  Relive it again.

August 12, 2009

cubs_beer_tosser.jpg

Sometimes when your team stinks and they’re getting pummeled once again, you feel the need to take things into your own hands.  And who’s there when you’re looking for a sidekick?  Why, it’s our old buddy beer.  Sure, Cubs fans aren’t exactly known for being classy and this guy looks like a grade-A DB but it got the job done.  I’m not condoning the act and I hope that karma took care of things but, I also bet Victorino thought twice the next time he went back for a fly ball in the Wrigley outfield.

September 15, 2010


deep_fried_beer.jpg

However, one of the greatest moments in the history of beer took place only recently and it didn’t happen on a baseball diamond.  Just this month man took another step in the evolutionary process when he finally learned how to deep fry beer.  Oh yes, you heard me right.  A Texas chef finally perfected the process for deep frying beer and the results will be introduced sometime this month.  I think we can all agree that having a beer to wash down a deep fried beer might just be the moment of perfection that causes the universe to fold up on itself.  I’m willing to give it a try, though.

Welcome to October!

-A

RSBS Presents: Drama!!!

surprise_face.jpg

No longer exclusively tethered to the stage, the screen or the page, there is no doubt that life is full of drama — the sort that you weren’t ready for, the kind you embrace, even the type that makes you ill.

Nonuniform in appearance and uninterested in who or what it affects, drama can be as simple as that anxious feeling you get right before a big presentation or as complex as the collective mood among you and your fellow drivers during your morning commute.

Drama is everywhere.  It infects everything.  We love it.  We hate it.  We need it.

Not convinced?

Take a look for yourself…

ines sainz.jpg

Ines Sainz and Her… Assets
Were members of the New York Jets out of line in their cat-calling towards Mexican reporter, Ines Sainz?  Was Ms. Sainz perhaps inappropriately dressed for an NFL locker room?  Is there more to this story that none of us knows about?  Yes, yes, and yes?  Probably… right?  I dunno.  Who cares?  What is important is that a) we now know who Ines Sainz is and that she’s more than available via Google image search b) Jets fans have more to talk about than just how fat Rex Ryan is and c) I have another reason to post a B-side pic of someone not named Erin Andrews.  Thank you, drama!



yankees v rays.jpg

The AL East: Yankees – Rays Showdown
If this most recent series is any indication of what sort of playoff bliss we may be in for, well, paint me blue and call me “cubbie” ‘cuz I’m all in.  Heart attacks galore, dear readers!  From Sabathia v. Price, to Brignac bombs to Grandy’s catch to Jeter’s thespian act, this has been the most impressive, most entertaining, most dramatic regular season series between any two teams all season long!  And, as a fan, I could care less about either club!  Now that’s what I call drama!


christine odonnell.jpg

Teabagging with Christine O’Donnell
If Joe Biden were dead he’d be rolling over in his grave.  Heck, lots of people wish Karl Rove was dead (he’s not) and he’s already rolling over in his… er… wait.  What I mean is this: Republican/Tea Party senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell from Delaware may seem like Sarah Palin 2.0, but that’s just because she’s good-looking, halfway likable and really dumb.  Make no mistake: the Teabaggers are way more scary than their everyday conservative counterparts.  Way more scary.  For instance, O’Donnell once suggested to the MTV crowd that they refrain from masturbation.  Uh… yeah.  And judging from the fly hair and nails O’Donnell has in that circa 1996 video, I sure as hell hope she sees the irony in that.  Anti-masturbation!?!  Ha!  Such a message EXPLODES with drama!!!

Hate me ‘cuz all the Teabaggers are doin’ it, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeff

RSBS Presents: A Baseball Fan’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

zombie_bat.jpgToo often we ignore tough questions and refuse to speculate on the “what ifs” we confront as a baseball loving community.  You could make a strong case that this happened with the steroid scandal and it is inevitable that baseball will face other equally difficult problems in the future.  Luckily, RSBS refuses to sit back and rest on our laurels.  We will continue to push for consideration of all the too real issues facing the baseball community.

For instance, isn’t it time that we think about what would happen to baseball if the zombie apocalypse broke out?  On a geo-political level, Daniel Drezner already addressed the topic and presented several different paradigms.  Today, RSBS takes a look at possible MLB specific scenarios.

The Danny Boyle
As players continue to experiment with various PED’s and try to avoid detection by using previously unknown substances, we face a very real possibility of infection à la 28 Days Later.  It doesn’t help our chances that baseball players are already genetic freaks with practically superhuman strength, speed and dexterity.  In this scenario we have two avenues of salvation.  First, we can hope that security reacts quickly and shuts down the stadium so the zombie baseball players don’t escape.  Yes, this probably means several thousand dead fans before the problem can be, uh, eradicated but it’s a small price to pay to avoid the annihilation of all mankind.  The second possibility is that zombification will affect the players’ brains to the point that they can be taken down easily with available weaponry like bats, t-shirt cannons and plastic knives.

The George Romero
The second scenario is a more classic zombie approach.  If an infected fan were to enter the ballpark, the tight spaces, confined exits and various nooks and crannies present a zombie wonderland.  Or house of horrors depending on whether you’re playing for the undead or Team Humanity.  In this we’re once again lucky to have access to a veritable arsenal of zombie killing treasures and, as long as they remain uninfected, the services of trained head smashing machines like Jose Offerman.  Let’s just hope it doesn’t start at Citizen’s Bank Park because Chase Utley’s batting average suggests he’ll be hitting more air than zombie heads.

The Eisenberg-Pegg
Our final scenario draws on contemporary inspiration like Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead.  Zombies are generally seen as terror-inducing eaters of brains.  But recent popular culture reinterpretations have shown us that it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.  For instance, what if a zombie A-Rod stumbled across the mound while Dallas Braden was pitching?  Or what if Manny Ramirez became a reanimated corpse?  It might even lead to the new catchphrase, “That’s just Manny being a zombie.”  Which would be funny because it was true.  Sure, we’d have to keep an eye on the epidemic and make sure it didn’t spread.  This might even lead to protests against the segregation of zombie baseball players in separate dressing rooms.  But I think we can all agree that the comedic potential is definitely there.

Over here at RSBS we’re still hoping that the zombie apocalypse stays firmly rooted in the world of film and fiction.  In our opinion, Woody Harrelson and Mr. Darcy are much more suited to zombie fighting than we are.  But if the day of reckoning does come, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you were prepared.  No, don’t thank us.  It’s our job.

-A

RSBS Presents: Overcompensation

money tp roll.jpgThe Truth: If someone deserves to get paid, he deserves to get paid.

I would pay Albert Pujols the moon.  I would pay Derek Jeter the sun.  Roy Halladay my left — AHEM.  Okay, you know what I mean.  These aren’t Chicago Transit Authority workers who sit around in bunches and watch one guy change one light bulb while they all count how many more days til that fat pension check kicks in.  Pujols, Jeter, Halladay… men like that… their services are incalculable.

On the contrary, inflation and greed have changed the dynamics of the world economy so much that I find it frighteningly appalling that certain people in certain positions are able to pull down the amount of scratch they do.  Considering how so many US Americans (me) are just skating by, watching ye olde savings account disappear quicker than an Oriole lead in the 9th, I think it’s time we call some of these folks out.

Don’t get me wrong.  I ain’t no hater.  But soon you’ll agree… overcompensation can be a nagging pain for those of us on the opposite end of the money tree.

hanley ramirez cap tip.jpgHanley Ramirez
Sure, in the baseball world, $7 million a year is quite the bargain, especially for a perennial MVP candidate who can single-handedly carry a team for weeks at a time.  Or is it?  In the case of Hanley Ramirez, it’s probably less about overcompensation and more about breaking child labor laws.  Yeah, you heard me right.  ‘Cuz only whiny kids and spoiled brat beotches find themselves exempt from exerting maximum effort on the diamond.  And at $7 million a year or $70 a year, when ya play baseball for a living, I expect you to hustle.  Always. 

bristol_palin.jpgBristol Palin
Did you know that the strikingly beautiful oldest daughter of former Alaska governor and ultimate purveyor of Backwardism has signed a deal with a speakers bureau to make between $15,000 and $30,000 per speech.  Uh… m’kay.  So… uh… what’s she gonna speak about?  Let’s see, what would make anything Bristol Palin has to say important to me (or anyone)?  She’s the daughter of a famous politician.  So what?  I’m the son of an awesome MRI technologist.  She got knocked up while in high school.  So what?  I was smart enough to wrap it up.  Uh… she’s attractive.  So what?  Hello!?!?  Where the hell is my $30K per speech contract?

kerry wood spitting.jpgKerry Wood
Remember this guy?!?  If you hear that Twilight Zone music sifting through your head, you are not alone, dear readers.  I was able to catch the end (and most, er… exciting?) part of that Royals/Indians matchup last night… y’know, the one where Kerry Wood came in throwing 97 mph gas that the Royals — yes, the ROYALS — blasted all over the park.  I don’t know about you, but if I’m paying someone $10.5 million a year — someone who always seems to be or is about to be injured — I would ask him to at least be as good as his replacement.  Throw in the eminent departure of the most highly publicized free agent in the history of sports and yeah, I’d say it’s time to light that Cuyahoga on fire again, Cleveland.  Yep.  Let go and let that baby burn.

Hate me ‘cuz your girlfriend digs me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Money pic courtesy of UK2.net)
(Kerry Wood pic courtesy of Luol’s Dong)

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