Results tagged ‘ RSBS Presents ’
Not content with being just the son of god or co-author of the best-selling book in history, Jesus has been on a rampage as of late. Whether showing up in professional athletes’ thank yous or inspiring American presidents into wasteful wars thousands of miles away from American shores, JC has moved up in the world from simple carpenter to internationally recognized architect.
In honor of Jesus’ (pronounced a la espagnol) spate of success, it only seemed fair that we honor him like we have honored other life changers. But how do you go about honoring a man with such an impressive resume? The hits are so well-known that repeating them just seems, well, repetitive.
So, we came up with another measure. Every best selling artist has a set of secondary works that, although impressive in their own right, never make quite the same splash as the ones set on repeat. However, maybe it’s time they get a little airplay of their own. To that end, RSBS would like to present Jesus’ greatest B-sides.
We’ve all heard the story about how Jesus gave someone the confidence or the extra push they needed to make it through something difficult. But what about the guy who wasn’t able to get that second wind and ended up flat on his face 2 miles short of the marathon finish line? Was it because Jesus tripped him? Turns out that Jesus really is always there and often responsible for the failures. In fact, we now have proof (although it is only available via an artist’s rendering of the occasion).
Just the Two of Us
There’s nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend. I had one named Paul when I was growing up. Sometimes that imaginary friend can be a big d!ck, though:
Jesus Hates the Cubs
No list would be complete without the modern day favorite and RSBS production, Jesus Hates the Cubs. And it’s extra funny because it’s true:
So, there you have it, a contemporary hit list of JC’s lesser known smashes. Keep ’em coming, big guy. You must have another Crusade in you at least.
The GOP forged its reputation on many great endeavors. Lincoln freed the slaves and then battled to keep the Union together. Reagan took the policy of containment and extended it to the point that the Soviet Union finally collapsed in on itself.
However, despite victories in these areas, the Republicans need to remember that there are other fields in which their skills just don’t quite pan out. In honor of this fact, and perhaps in memoriam, RSBS presents great moments in Republican hip-hop.
If there is one moment that could be termed “the” defining moment in Republican hip-hop, it would have to be Karl Rove’s performance at the 2007 Correspondent’s Dinner in DC. Between the dance moves and the attempt at ill (but mainly just ill-fated) rhyming, Rove set the standard by which all GOP rappers will be judged:
No Taxation Without Representation
Although the Tea Party movement claims no affiliation with the Republican party, most of its members are disaffected defectors from the GOP. Where the Republicans dislike taxes, though, the TPers downright abhor them. That feeling led to this memorable moment:
How about I just let, uh, Mr. Calibre (?) explain it himself:
So there you have it. The party of Lincoln becomes the party of Linkin Park. What do you expect, though? The Democrats already have dibs on Jay-Z and the Black-Eyed Peas so the Republicans had to make due with what was left. Hey, at least they have Pat Boone!
One of the most peculiar realms of science is understanding what exactly goes on inside of a black hole (and no, folks, we ain’t talkin’ about the vile emitting from Milton Bradley’s mouth). Widely understood as a “deformation of spacetime caused by a very compact mass” — an area from which nothing can escape the immense gravitational pull of its center — black holes are like the underground club scene of the cosmos: all kinds of weird s*** can happen… and does!
To me, the most interesting aspect of a black hole lies at its very center, past the event horizon, down the rabbit hole, settling on an infinitesimal point known as the singularity. If you were unfortunate enough to be sucked into a black hole and lucky enough to survive the trip down its core, by the time you reached the singularity you would surely be a shredded mess, the result of being filleted by the strongest forces theorized by the human mind.
But boy would it be an exciting death!
The oddest thing about the singularity is that once we start working in and around that point, we realize that the laws of physics become completely erroneous and unnecessary. That’s right, dear readers, when you get to the singularity, Einstein’s theory of general relativity makes no sense at all.
And while black holes and their singularities may be intangible to us from our terrestrial vantage point, if you look around you today you will see all sorts of things that could cause one to think we may be close to such a singularity — a place where what we see is so shocking, so odd, so perplexing that it just doesn’t make sense…
The Good Guys Win: Joe Mauer
Twins fans were so afraid they would lose their hometown hero to the evil chops of the Yankees and the Yankees 2.0 that doomsday scenarios and flat-out decrees of apostasy had already been accepted as fact. But in the end, the Twins had to sign Joe — for the sake of their new stadium and for the sake of their fans. And they did, for a very reasonable price. Oh, and by the way, the Twins are not a small-market team, so this situation is getting even more black-holish by the minute!
Liberal US Americans Actually Accomplish Something
After eight long years of maddening sound bytes, phantom wars against phantom enemies for phantom purposes and an all-out assault on reason, the liberal majority in the House got together and passed a health care bill that might actually work. Oh yeah, sure, not everyone is happy about it and the most concerning aspect is how we’re going to pay for it; but, in my opinion, the sheer fact that you won’t be financially punished for being sick anymore indicates a huge step forward. And besides, since when do US Americans care about national debt? Here, in the great state of Illinois, for as long as I can remember, the political machine has been borrowing money from the FUTURE to pay for current projects. I hear that Illinois is rich in the future, so I’m gonna see if I can get in on that too. I need a Lamborghini.
Exciting News Out of Cincinnati Reds Camp
You have to go back quite a few years to find anything worth anticipating from the Reds in March, but this year is different. Under the wise hand of former Cardinal front office legend Walt Jocketty, Cincinnati signed Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman during the offseason, hoping he would live up to his international hype. And boy does he! Thought by many to be an ace-caliber pitcher going into this season, Reds fans have a whole lot to be excited about for a change… of course, that is… until Dusty Baker blows out his arm and ruins his career.
Hate me ‘cuz I test the limits of physics, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
No, not that Chili. We’re talking about the kind of chili you cook up for days on end, taking care to add the right ingredients at the right time and ideally avoiding anything too explosive. Come to think of it, it’s kind of like the cooking that large swaths of the Midwest are doing right now even if the end result is probably a bit different.
To get back to the point, though, there’s a reason why chili topped anything is the choice of single men everywhere during the long cold winter months. It’s a delicious yet foul concoction that does damage at every point of the process of consumption. And if the sheer scatology of it all wasn’t enough, nothing brings men and sports together in awe-inspiring and death defying ways quite like chili.
Chili comes in many wonderful styles and, as a service to our loyal readers on this Friday afternoon, we here at RSBS want to highlight some of the more delectable forms that chili can take, especially at the ballpark. So come with us on a cayenne and tabasco infused journey deep inside a supernova of flavor.
The Classic Bowl of Chili
You don’t see a whole lot of this these days and it makes sense. If you’re jumping out of a small seat in a narrow space to cheer, you don’t really want to be dealing with a big ol’ bowl of chili. But under more sedate circumstances, nothing warms you up during early or late season games quite like a healthy helping of spicy chili.
The Chili Dog
Like a bowl of chili, the chili dog is also a classic. It makes sense, too. A hot dog is pretty close to perfection so if you’re going to do anything with it, you better make sure it’s good. A healthy helping of chili on top? Yep, that’s good. In fact, it probably would have been the end of the list except for one minor detail….
Chili Cheese Fries
There are a lot of things the Washington Nationals do wrong. But there is one thing they do very right. And that is letting Ben’s Chili Bowl serve up its wares inside the confines of their ballpark. Nationals are losing again? Doesn’t matter, I’ve got an order of chili cheese fries. Nationals misspelled their own names on their jerseys? Guess I should have another. However, there is still one step left to be taken to the pinnacle of chili evolution….
The Chili Cheese Half Smoke
As good as Ben’s chili cheese fries may be, the half smoke smothered in cheese and topped with chili represents a dimension of chili spectacularity all it’s own. Yes, that’s right. I’m making up words just to describe its scrumptatiousness. I don’t ask you to take my word for it. I just ask that you try it out for yourself if you’re ever in the DC area and see if I’m on to something. You won’t be disappointed.
As important as clothing may be to the average person, even more important is the cloth that embraces your “swimsuit area.” There are different schools of thought here, ranging from your father and his single-minded whitey-tighty fanaticism to the homeless guy on the corner free-balling it under a pair of sweatpants for less restricted access.
And there are more exotic schools including the devotees of the boxer-brief (I count myself among them) with all the comfort of a boxer and the stability of a brief, directors of Roman era film epics and their appreciation for the loincloth and Mormons with their ultra-secret special underwear.
My personal feeling, though, is that athletes get the shaft in all of this because there is nothing worse than wearing a cup. Do you think baseball players are constantly adjusting themselves because they think it looks cool? No way, man. Playing with yourself in public is not cool anywhere (except certain clubs in Thailand). Those cups hurt. Sensitive areas constantly being pinched, awkward one-size-fits-all sizing that doesn’t really fit anyone and the thing never stays in one place. Granted, when it comes down to choosing between comfort and the ability to reproduce, 9 times out of 10 RSBS picks comfort. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s an imperfect solution to a very real problem.
If only we could all just be comfortable in our underclothing. For instance, even if comfort isn’t the stated aim of this current American Apparel campaign, that’s the lesson we have decided to take from it anyway. No, don’t thank us. We’re just doing our job.
As baseball season quickly approaches, we turn to an oft forgotten topic: appropriate dress for a baseball game. We all know how hard it is to pick the right clothes early on in the season when temperatures might range 30 degrees over the course of a game. Even when it gets really hot out, decorum still insists on a certain minimum level of covering. That’s why RSBS always encourages layering.
However, sometimes people refuse to heed warnings and find themselves in very uncomfortable predicaments. Although the situation presented in this video may not be entirely applicable to baseball spectatorship, it’s an important reminder that wearing the right clothing can save you a load of mental and physical discomfort later on.
No need to thank us. We’re just doing our job.