Results tagged ‘ Theo Epstein ’

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 30: Pat Matheny’s Anesthesioxity and Other Stuff (LIKE HIGHLIGHTS!)

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

The RSBS crew celebrates its 30th episode by taking a stroll down podcast memory lane, remembering things that busted our (and hopefully your) guts.  AIDS salad and Ron Santo’s memory get rehashed while new memories (like gay ponies v. horsicorns, an iguana named Dudley and how you can cure your foot problems) are created!  Jump on board the RSBS crazy train!  No stops til you question how you spend your free time!

Don’t forget to getcho Crown Royal and enjoy some happy time!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter for all his movie magic updates and make sure to check out his crew and their hilariousness on the Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 26, 2011

Jumping Thanks

Admit it.  It may be Monday, but your mind is already on Thursday — Thanksgiving — the one day of the year where your sole responsibility is to eat yourself into a coma, sprawl out on the couch and watch football for 7 hours while catnapping as necessary.

You get all of that for the small price of being thankful.

And what do I have to be thankful for this year?

I’m thankful for the 2011 Cardinals.  For the second time in six years I’m bragging about being a champion.  And I got to be a part of it by going to the first two games.  HOT DANG!

I’m thankful that, as always, whenever the Cubs triumph (Theo) they also manage to fail (Zambrano).

I’m thankful that Rick Perry has disappointed, that Herman Cain has self-destructed and Sarah Palin has invisiblized.

I’m thankful that I think I can get away with making up words.

But most of all, I’m thankful that I’ve never been punched by Mike Tyson.


Happy Thanksgiving Week Monday!

Jeff

Pass the Crown! (Gift Unveiled Update — 11.17.2011)

The RSBSians have spoken!

And y’all told us to open that bag up.

So we did.

And here’s what we’ve won…

Oakley’s newest Blender shades are the perfect mix for active lifestyles. Lightweight C-5 alloy is combined with O-Matter earstems and sure-grip Unobtainium for unrivaled comfort and durability.  Slide these on with confidence whether enjoying your Crown Royal on the mountain or by the beach!

Whoa!  Hot dang!  They had me at Unobtainium!

The Pass the Crown gift exchange will go on until December 15th.  In that time, any one of the 17 remaining internet superstars can decide to steal our gift, in which case, we would get theirs, so stay tuned for any necessary updates.

Once our final prize is announced we will don one dear reader as the Ultimate RSBS Fan (must be 21 or older) and he/she will take home the goods!  Remember to email us a picture showing why you are the Ultimate RSBS Fan to RSBSblog@gmail.com.

Holla!

Jeff, Allen, Johanna & the Interns

Also, don’t forget: if you like the snazzy embroidery on the signature Crown Royal bag, make sure you check out how you can personalize your very own!  They make fantastic gifts.  In fact, RSBS is thinking of getting one for new Cubs President Theo Epstein that reads: Whiskey… for when watching the Cubs 162 times a year is your job.

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and podcast kidnapee, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn. I had a classical education.”

Can Theo talk to the animals? Does he speak two thousand languages? Can he communicate his agenda to the morbidly obtuse, dumb and crazy?

From horrible decisions of front offices past, to a psycho fanbase that values ivy over winning and bloated egos galore on an oddly constructed team, can Theo break on through to the other side of bad?

I imagine lunches with Carlos Zambrano can be strange. I hope they had a violinist play some Venezuelan music tableside. It may not have been quite as strange as going to temple with Hitler or eating Twinkies with Martha Stewart, but still quite ODD.

A manipulative, out of shape baby who goes on regular tirades is nothing short of potential disaster.  Big Z requested a sit-down and Epstein obliged.

Hmm… seems strange doesn’t it? The meeting went well and he’s going to give him a chance to pitch in 2012. I guess this means a trading partner couldn’t be found or perhaps Theo sees something no one else can.

“We said he’d have to work hard and that we aren’t welcoming him back unconditionally. We said he’d have to earn his way back.” (Link)

Damn straight. I hope you stick to that, Theo, and don’t be afraid to cut your losses at the first sign of the Carlos we all know. Don’t get me wrong. Z is as talented as any pitcher in the league, but that potential has never, I REPEAT NEVER been realized.

“Most of the details will stay confidential. But there are steps he needs to take to earn his way back. If he does so, we will see him in spring training and welcome him back.”

I WANT TO KNOW THOSE STEPS!!! But I’ll trust Theo on this.

For now.

If Z gets to come back and turns into the cataclysm we all know, then that will be a big strike one for me on Epstein. Own up to what you say and you will earn mad respect from this fan. Meanwhile, I’m suspending my disbelief that Zambrano will fail (again) at realizing his potential.

Don’t make me regret this, Theo. Or I’ll…

–Johanna Mahmud
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The RSBS Podcast, Episode 29: Remembering Ugueth’s Urbina and Other Stuff

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff tries his darnedest to be as polite as possible during his unfettered gloating of World Championship status (Go Cards!) while Second City’s Mark Piebenga adds some level-headed awesomeness to Johanna’s outlandishness and Allen’s seasoned straight man routine.  Among the topics of discussion are “the greatest game ever”, the woes of rebranding an already twice championed franchise (talkin’ to you, Marlins), Theo Fever in the Chi, b!tch t!ts and much, much more!

Now grab some Crown Royal and enjoy yo’ self!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter and make sure to check out his crew and their gut busting Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 12, 2011

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Muppet Aficionado, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

Left-Hand Hate KO’d by Love.

I’ve been living in the house of ill repute. I got my diploma from the University of Strange. Somehow Jeff and Allen let me spew about any and all things on this fine site, which BLOWS MY MIND.

Writers who can’t read get a lot of work because they’re rare. Like tall jockeys. Or short NBA centers. I’m RARE. I grew up with gypsies and dancers. I still can’t read but I CAN dance. And hopefully, unlike the Vatican and Penn State, I’m on the right side of child molestation…

After a great and entertaining World Series it’s free agent time! For managers AND players!

The Cubs’ pursuit of Mike Maddux is on and I’m in. In my strange, odd baseball world, I think he’d be a fine choice. I don’t really believe hitting coaches do much, but pitching coaches do. He did some fine work with the Texas Power Rangers staff and got em back to back AL pennants. I never even heard of half their guys but they pitched their tails off. The older brother of legendary Cubs and Braves great Greg Maddux deserves a shot here. He doesn’t want the Red Sox job, doesn’t want to move his family halfway across the country. And after all the drama that has unfolded in Boston’s recent collapse, who can blame him?

With Theo on board, the Cubs are close to becoming respectable. I just hope the supporting brass knows enough to leave him alone so he can do his damn job without interruptions. There were many rumors that Jim Hendry had people in his ear about who to draft and what free agents to sign. THAT CAN’T HAPPEN AGAIN!!

I remember when I got fired from Applebee’s, because I refused to take Mr. Senor Love Daddy off my name tag. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!

Hopefully this doesn’t happen to Theo. Even if he doesn’t pick Maddux, I’m sure he’ll Do the Right Thing.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Semi-Closeted Tony Plush Lover, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“Blind faith is the crutch of fools.”

We may not be in the Prince/Pujols derby, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

My water just broke. Theo is here. I’m feeling woozy.

I’ve been harvesting my organs to get the perfect GM. I’ve been licking my cat’s fanny to find the best. I’ve been on a Rambo-style manhunt to make sure the Cubs can be good for an extended amount of time.

I’VE EVEN TRIED HUMAN MEAT!!! (That part is almost true.)

Theo is the smartest thing that has ever happened to the Cubs.

At the press conference yesterday, he said “I promised I wouldn’t bring up the Red Sox,” but it’s ok, Theo. You said the right things at the right moments. You talked about “being on base and defense.” CRAZY! I am over the moon, trying to slow my roll, but you, Theo, are everything I’ve ever wanted: smart, savvy and new!

In my lifetime, being awful has been the Cub paradigm. Things have to change now. We might need a Castro coach to show him… defense. The way Wrigley plays may require some of Theo’s number crunching. But we have more hope now than we’ve had the last 15 years combined. (See Baker, Piniella, et al)

But best of all, as I write this, Theo Epstein is hatching a plan to dismantle every last bit of crap left in the C’s organization.

I’m in. I’m all in. AND… his sister, Anya, wrote for Homicide: Life on the Streets!! My favorite show of ever!!!

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Outlaw, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.”

To commemorate my hopeful demise of the mighty money juggernaut that is the Boston Red Sox, I have decided to use one of the greatest films ever conceived to explain my feelings for this occasion.

ARTHUR!!!

I’m also here to remind the world of the hurt and pain that Russell Brand caused me by pissing on my childhood by remaking this classic. BASTARDDOOOO.

“Thank you for a memorable afternoon, usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.”

The Red Sox are falling apart. The Tampa Bay Rays are in pursuit of the wild card and I couldn’t be happier. At the beginning of the season, I, like the rest of the baseball universe, had the Sox winning it all. That being said, I love this Rays team. I’ve loved the last three or four Rays teams. LOVE Joe Maddon.  He almost makes me like Florida. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate tha SAWKSSS. I’m just a bit tired of everything Boston. NO MORE BOSTON!! No more Red Sox! The Town, Conviction, Gone Baby Gone, the Patriots, The Departed, Ben Affleck doing Madden ads. I NEED A FAWWWWWWWWKIINNNNN BREAK!!!

“If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.”

Oh yea. Forgot about Edge of Darkness, The Fighter, and Danny fawwwwwwkkkinnnn Woodhead!!!! I feel like I have had a Fenway Frank shoved up my giggy for the last ten years.

“I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.”

Theo Epstein’s bright idea was to punch in Erik Betard. BRILLIANT? No. Can Jon Lester be everywhere at once? Josh Beckett is hurty. The BLOWN RANGER!  John Lackey is awful.  This staff is not quite in dire straits but…

“Ladies and gentlemen… I’m sorry… As you probably have surmised by now… there will be no wedding. The bride… has had second thoughts… and has decided not to marry me… Most of you know me… Can you blame her?”

Carl Crawford has been my personal joy killer. One of my favorite players of the last seven years, he hasn’t quite been worth the money. Hitting third in this lineup has been a problem. He’s a leadoff hitter!

“Isn’t this fun? Isn’t fun the best thing to have? Don’t you wish you were me? I know I do.”

The rise of Jacoby Ellsbury has been nothing short of TRANSCENDENT — an absolute bright spot. And I couldn’t be happier for the kid who has struggled through injuries. He or Curtis Granderson would be fine choices for MVP. (I’m sorry, Verlander.)

And now, one last fleeting thought for my beloved Cubs. Both Sox teams have won championships and so have the current champ Giants. My thoughts on this?

Gloria: My mother died when I was six.
Arthur: [bangs his fist on the table] Son of a bitch! Don’t they know what they do to kids?
Gloria: My father raped me when I was twelve.
Arthur: So, you had six relatively good years? I’m sorry. Listen, my father screwed me, too.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 26: Willow, R2D2 and Other Famous Midgets

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

“KEITH, GET A BUCKET!”

After Jeff and Allen dragged Johanna’s almost lifeless body out of the Lollapalooza bullpen, the RSBS crew sat down to smack down on all-things baseball.  Joined midway by special guest, Tim Baffoe of The Heckler and AM 670 The Score, everybody gets in on the roller coaster that is Chicago baseball, Tony LaRussa versus the World, Derek Jeter’s legacy and a hypothetical question involving the conflicting theologies of Ian Kinsler and Josh Hamilton.

This is some shizz ya ain’t gonna wanna miss!

And make sure to follow Tim Baffoe (aka the Ten Foot Midget) on Twitter.  Dude’s got a lock on sports satire!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you follow him on Twitter and check out his sweet Undercast.  And, also, if you haven’t already, check out the teaser to his film-in-progress and don’t be afraid to help a brotha out!

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Recorded Saturday, August 6, 2011

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 25: Audible Pantslessness… and Other Stuff

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

After a rough night of Pirate inspired debauchery, Jeff and Johanna clear the cobwebs (and police reports) to make room for special guest, Paul Lebowitz.  It doesn’t take long for them to get riled up as they touch on the evil FOX chimera Joe McCarver, Clint Hurdle’s Pirates, the White Sox’s diamond impotence and much, much more!

Check out Paul’s baseball blog, The Prince of New York, and also consider checking out his books, like the 2011 Baseball Guide (I’m using it to destroy my fantasy baseball foes right now).

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you follow him on Twitter!  And if you’re into raunchy stunts and Hooter chicks, make sure to check out Keith’s Undercast at Undercard Films!

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Recorded Saturday, July 16, 2011

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