Results tagged ‘ White Sox ’

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast schnook, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

The Champion of A$$hats. This Week in Jake Peavy Cockamamie…

Peavy did it again over the weekend. He told the press that his teammates need to start “laying it on the line”……WOW…

Team leaders are everyday players and Peavy needs to shut the hell up. No one wants to hear it from a guy who pitches every 6th day and has spent most of his time with the Sox on the DL…

Who exactly is not trying hard enough? Stop waving your weiner around, Peavy. It’s enough.

“Dagnumb it I’m gonna pitch hurt cuz I give it my all unlike these other guys cuz I’m a cowboy screw it all if my back falls off of me. And especially when I give up one of those 600 foot three-run homers. Mah teammates need to pick it up.”

Thanks, Zambrano.

This isn’t a team game. It’s a cerebral game. It’s a day to day game that you grind out over the course of a six month season. You know what, Jake?? Find your way to a winning record before you spout off because you’ve just been a jabbering hole of bad injuries. You were supposed to be the top of the rotation guy for what the Sox gave up.

His teammates probably think he’s an absolute a$$wipe. He’s impossible to trade. Paul Konerko is the leader by example and Peavy needs to shut his damn mouth.

Speaking of the dumb and stupid, THIS HAPPENED over the weekend as well.

–Johanna Mahmud

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast paragon, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

The Battle of Juan Pierre and How the Marlins Won the War

It’s obvious what has to happen, but too many heads, egos, and wangs are involved.

Everyone has a soft spot for J.P. , but the rift between Ozzie Guillen and Kenny Williams has us watching a veteran limp to the end of his career like Ol Yeller. You have a GM and manager pillow fighting when they could be on the same page about the players they have.

Our memories of Juan Pierre are warm and fuzzy, but, statistically speaking in weighted OBP and WAR, he’s the third worst player in baseball (after Chone Figgins and Raul Ibanez) and should be cut. He makes outs, gets picked off, drops fly balls, kills his team every day, but he’s a sweetheart and everyone loves Juan.

I feel sorry for Dayan.

I’m starting the Dayan Viciedo camp right now. We’ll have stables, a petting zoo and a FUN MIRROR.

Kenny is insisting that Ozzie isn’t ready to bring up Viciedo because he can’t handle the rookie. Huh? How much worse can he be than Juan Pierre? The issue is what do you do with the finality of the career of Pierre? Guillen’s loyalty to J.P. is getting out of hand. (This happens every season with Williams and Guillen.)

Viciedo is killing it in the minors and the blizzard of Oz and Kenny are screwing the Sox out of being better because of a sophomoric squabble that seems to have no end.

The locker room is getting torn apart because you have two players that should be benched, but only one of them can be cut because of the contract situation. If Adam Dunn was hitting, the Pierre issue would be muted.

This mess won’t be settled until the Oz man is managing the Marlins next year.

–Johanna Mahmud

A Good Reason to Feature Insanity

The Major League schedule makers must have known the Cubs were going to be awful this year.  Why else would they schedule two endlessly touted matchups (the Cards/Cubs series in May and the upcoming Crosstown Classic Sox/Cubs contest) for weekdays when crowd turnout tends to be much higher on the weekends?

Whatever the reason, the White Sox and Cubs will kick off the work week by going at each other’s throats, which means I finally have a legitmate reason to share (again, I know) the greatest worst rap video of all time:


Seein’ Sweet Lou shake his rump like that makes me wanna throw up and laugh hysterically in a corner all by myself.

Which leaves an awful, awful mess.

Hate me ‘cuz I got that song stuck in your head, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

Lot of talk about weiners, Weiners and Weiner’s weiner the past couple weeks.  This is nothing new in the sports universe, though, especially in the NFL.  However, which MLB player do you think will most likely find himself involved in some sort of similar scandal?

Eric
Big Rapids, MI
___________________________________

As is the case with most famous weiner (and Weiner) related exposés, the following will certainly be an exercise in self-restraint, as I think we all know the immense public propensity to go for the easy male-member joke.  But the easiest joke here, as far as I can tell, is that the Rep. Anthony Weiner scandal is even a scandal at all!

I am not saying we should give the guy a medal of honor or anything, but, what exactly did he do to warrant a public scandal of such magnitude?  So he donned a swaggering internet persona and talked dirty to some chicks online… and then didn’t have sexual relations with any of them?  Um, okay, if this illegal then somebody come lock my @$$ up!!!

Yes, Rep. Weiner is a creepazoid.  So what?  Aren’t most politicians?  From my vantage point, Weiner didn’t break any laws.  He didn’t physically hurt anyone.  He is only guilty of being stupid — of being aloof and naive a la John Edwards to mistakenly think the interwebs are a completely private domain and that interacting with folks in a lewd manner outside of his marriage would never be revealed by the parties involved.

Like our future 45th president alludes, the online lust-quest has become common for modern man; and this “scandal” is really something that should be left between Rep. Weiner and his wife.  Unless he’s Marv Albert-ing these women or wasting tax dollars on callgirls, I don’t see how any of this is of public interest.

But since you asked, Eric, what MLB player would most likely find himself in the same Weinerific situation, I gotta say, right now, it would have to be Adam Dunn.

I mean, come on… SOMETHING is eating at the Big Donkey and it ain’t Ozzie Guillen!  When a perennial homerun monster like Dunn suddenly lives under the Mendoza line with only a handful of bombs while playing his home games at launching-pad Sox Park,  and it’s mid-June, something ain’t right.

Hmm… you thought I was gonna say A-Rod, didn’t ya? Well, A-Rod probably does take lewd photos of his “attributes” with intentions of sending them out to virtual partners; however, I think his tenacious love for himself would force him to keep such images for his eyes only.

Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout coaxing Allen to go back to living as a woman?  Send us your Filibuster questions by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

“His Game Is Like Waves…”

RSBS Podcast regular and Second City performer, Mark “Pie” Piebenga shares with us his thoughts:

“His game is like waves,” Miguel Cabrera said. “Right now, he’s worried because he’s not hitting too much, he’s not hitting for average. I said, ‘Don’t worry. It’s going to be your time. Get your timing, be ready. It’s a long season. We’re going to need you.’ And you see what happened today. He got a big home run for us today.”

This quote is, of course, apropos of Ryan Raburn. Of course why? Because he hit a grand slam off the White Sox Jake Peavy on Sunday who during the same inning worsened a “tweaked groin into a full strain.”

I do think there are some valuable moments in that quote. A lot is at work here. 1.) Cabrera’s hubris. 2.) profound truth for life, and for success in baseball. 3.) Cabrera looking out for a much less-well-paid teammate.

Vis-à-vis 1.) Cabrera cranked his second home run in 24 hours Sunday. Bringing his total up to that point to 13. Which is a lot.

Vis-à-vis 2.) Your own conclusions are most important here, but I’m quite taken with the part about “his game is like waves… get your timing. It’s a long season. We need you.” Isn’t that what we all want to hear as human beings? And isn’t it encouraging? To be needed due to your merit is to have significance. That is something we all want.

Vis-à-vis 3.) Cabrera is making $20 million this season to Raburn’s $1.3. Neither is hurting here, and it’s not like Raburn is a newborn rookie pulling down $425,000. Which is still quite a sum. Also, is it strange that I feel a little dirty clicking on the Tigers roster on ESPN.com knowing that I’ll find their wages on there? It seems like that should be listed in a separate place from their other personal information.

Regardless of the considerable money involved, it’s still an esteemable trait to look after your teammate in the press.

Finally, I would posit that the Grand Slam is the most artfully-named maneuver in all of sport. It describes its own magnitude with alacrity. It is lightly pompous, but so then is the feat, which lends credibility to the title. It is borrowed by professional tennis, the sincerest form of flattery. It is flip, apt, and proud.

In short, it’s a perfect moniker.

–Mark Piebenga

An Evening of Firsts

Some days, when I leave my office dead to the world in the evening, I have a baseball itch that the television and computer just can’t fix.  Yesterday was one of those days.  So, following the drill, I raced home, changed into more comfortable gear and headed straight for Sox Park.

My friend, Pie — a semi-regular on the RSBS Podcasts and an all around Tiger lovin’ fiend — came with me.

And boy were we in for some treats.

Not only was the weather perfect, but so was Brent Morel’s glove skills and Carlos Quentin’s stroke.  The game moved along at a nice, brisk pace… except when young Tiger hurler Andy Oliver was busy walking the bases loaded and giving up cheap runs.  But perhaps the most satisfying part of this early summer contest is that it bore three firsts, something baseball is apt to do.

For example, last night Adam Dunn got his very FIRST hit off a lefty this season!  And it was of the slow dribbler infield variety, proof that the baseball gods love extended metaphors even for big burly worthless(?) free agent signings!

Also, this game featured a homerun by none other than Juan Pierre!  Only his 15th career homerun in 11+ seasons, I had to ask Pie if I was dreaming when he pulled the ball up and out of deep right center as it was the very FIRST homerun I’ve ever seen Juan hit with my own eyes.

And, with the White Sox ultimately winning the game, last night presented to me the very FIRST time I’ve ever seen a disgruntled fan (my friend, Pie) take his scorecard — the same scorecard he meticulously filled out in detail during the entire game — and throw it away.

He threw it away!!!

I cried.  A little.  I hate to see a good scorecard die the same death as chewed gum, empty water bottles and hot dog boxes.  But in this case, I am just filing this one away with the rest of the extended metaphors.  May they extend until they can extend no more…

Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

This Is MLB… and THIS Is MLB on Drudge

There are two taxing and equally debilitating activities that I force myself to partake in, every… single… day.  I swallow a big@$$ horse-pill that’s supposed to make my cartilage stronger; and I read all of the headlines on The Drudge Report.

If I had time, I would also stick rusty needles under each of my fingernails.

Why do I do these things?  I take the horse-pill ‘cuz it comes highly recommended by my doctor, and my doctor is a smart dude (he hates the Cubs, man!).

And I check in with The Drudge Report because it’s important to know what the “other” side is thinking, how they’re scheming, how they’re fear mongering and how they’re faring in other popular GOP pastimes.  But mostly I just like to laugh at how Drudge turns a headline like “Wall Street Baffled by Slowing Economy” into “WE ARE ON THE VERGE OF A GREAT, GREAT DEPRESSION”.

That’s how the dude gets hits.  He scares traffic to him!

Indeed, I tip my cap for his savvy, but I wave my finger at his twisted incitations.

And to put things in perspective, I instructed the RSBS interns to take three recent MLB headlines and hand them over to Matt Drudge, just to see what would happen.

Here’s what we got:

- – -

Original Headline:”White Sox enjoy another sweep at Fenway”

Headline on Drudge: “SHOW ME ALEXEI RAMIREZ’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE DAMMIT!!!”

- – -

Original Headline: “Holliday, McClellan both land on Cards’ DL”

Headline on Drudge: “HOLLIDAY NEVER F$&*ING TOUCHED HOME, HE NEVER TOUCHED IT, HE NEVER TOUCHED IT, I CALL DO-OVER!!!”

- – -

Original Headline: “Swisher’s Swat Solidifes Sweep for Yankees”

Headline on Drudge: “OMG JORGE POSADA SUCKS, THE BRONX IS BURNING AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”

- – -

Hate me ‘cuz I got the connections to make it happen, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 23: Buster’s Broken Body… and Other Stuff

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna join forces in what is secretly designed as an intervention for Allen and his anachronistic memory.  The three of them then launch into some raunchy debates over this young MLB season, including but not limited to double headers, home plate collisions, “offensive” t-shirts and much, much more… all to make you smile for berry berry long time!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you take some time to check out Keith and his crew’s laugh-riot podcast. Follow him on Twitter to get the latest updates.  They’re doing some fantastic work!  You can find out more at Undercard Films.

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Recorded Saturday, May 28, 2011

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 22: Ryan Braun’s Rumspringa… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 7.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna kick the season off by trying to name every Jewish baseballer ever known to man before PodMaster Keith let’s The 8:08 (from harried Undercast fame) into the studio… from there on out the wheels come off in one great big ball of awesomeness that includes Dodger takeovers, Hawkisms galore, goofy games that may or may not include a sexual innuendo (or fifty) and much, much more… all to make you excite!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you take some time to check out Keith and his crew’s wicked smaaht podcast.  The man’s a filmmaker!  You can find out more at Undercard Films

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Recorded Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Three Up, Three Down

Jesus saved Josh Hamilton.jpgJESUSY JOSHY!

First he tried to score from third when no one was lookin’… then he slid head first and broke his arm… then he was… out.  THEN he blamed third base coach Dave Anderson for the boneheadedly aggressive move (not my fault, duh)… and THEN he later apologized to Dave Anderson for blaming him for the boneheadedly aggressive move. 

*SARCASM ALERT, SARCASM ALERT*

Considering the overwhelming, undeniable, empirical evidence in this case… I am glad to report that Jesus of Nazareth was soley responsible for Joshy’s change of heart, just as he was responsible for Joshy gettin’ some buttery nipple action at da club a while back.

HOLLA!

BERKMAN FOR MVP!

Berkman smiling.jpgThe 2011 season is well under way and… SURPRISE!!!… that’s Lance Berkman posing at the Cardinals best player!

Hey folks, he may be weird lookin’ in a Redbird uni, but he’s the only one in the lineup who’s been solid from the get-go.  Go ahead, Albert… just go ahead and think about finding a deal somewhere else… we got number 12!

THE GO-GO-HOME WHITE SOX!

Ozzie Guillen sure is giving Timothy Geithner a run for his money (wink, wink) in the sour face department.  Heck, I’d be angry too if my son’s name was Oney (good grief is that really his name???)… I’d also be angry if my team scored runs like crazy, only to see them erased in the latter innings of an otherwise locked-down ballgame when the bullpen wheels start fallin’ off (see Chris Sale, Matt Thornton, etc.).

Can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but, I sorta miss big boy Bobby Jenks.  At least with Jenks you’d at least see some emotion when he blew the game. 

Hangin’ the head and walkin’ off is a bit too pedestrian for my liking.

disaster zone.jpg
Happy Friday!

Jeff

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