Results tagged ‘ Wilson Betemit ’

A Brief Pause for Insanity

If CNN’s Alex Castellanos hadn’t compared Michele Bachmann to Margaret Thatcher on CNN the other day, I wouldn’t have said anything because the crazies, the Brits and the delusionoids have been saying as much for a while now.  But when something that maniacal is aired to millions of susceptible US Americans, I can’t help but holla some common sense back into the universe.

WISE UP!  GET A GRIP!  DRINK SOME WATER!

Comparing Bachmann to Thatcher is like comparing Wilson Betemit to Babe Ruth!  Seriously!  The only thing Michele Bachmann and Margaret Thatcher have in common is that they both have vaginas!

Bachmann is STUPID.

Bachmann is DELUSIONAL.

Bachmann is a HOMOPHOBE.

She is a clear and present danger to liberty and to even mention her name in the same conversation as Margaret Thatcher’s (did you know she was a chemist by trade?) should be a crime.

And I just couldn’t hold that in, so I didn’t.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 26: Willow, R2D2 and Other Famous Midgets

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

“KEITH, GET A BUCKET!”

After Jeff and Allen dragged Johanna’s almost lifeless body out of the Lollapalooza bullpen, the RSBS crew sat down to smack down on all-things baseball.  Joined midway by special guest, Tim Baffoe of The Heckler and AM 670 The Score, everybody gets in on the roller coaster that is Chicago baseball, Tony LaRussa versus the World, Derek Jeter’s legacy and a hypothetical question involving the conflicting theologies of Ian Kinsler and Josh Hamilton.

This is some shizz ya ain’t gonna wanna miss!

And make sure to follow Tim Baffoe (aka the Ten Foot Midget) on Twitter.  Dude’s got a lock on sports satire!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Make sure you follow him on Twitter and check out his sweet Undercast.  And, also, if you haven’t already, check out the teaser to his film-in-progress and don’t be afraid to help a brotha out!

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Recorded Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Triumvirate of Candidates to Succeed King Bud

lenin mickey mouse jesus.jpgBy now everyone knows that the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball will get a fresh face in 2012 (conveniently, that is the year we’re all gonna die anyway).  But just in case those thousand year old destruction theories are not accurate, let us start to think about who might be able to save baseball from another passive, tyrannical reign after King Bud Selig has gone fishing.  Because as my oft cantankerous colleague, Mr. Krause, points out, King Bud dropped the ball.

To me, there are only three viable candidates.  They are presented here (above right).  In bronze.  I think.

Two of them are dead and one of them is forever young (albeit in 2-D).

Verily, they would all be adequate replacements at the top of the grandest game on earth.

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Candidate #1:
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Bolshevik Leader, Marxist, Revolutionary, Head of State

What’s wrong, Matt Holliday?  Five years guaranteed at $16 million ain’t enough?  Fine then.  Mr. Holliday, you’ll be making the same salary as Wilson Betemit… if Wilson even has a job.  Luxury tax?  There ain’t no luxury tax.  Proposed salary cap?  Yeah, propose this: everybody makes the same amount of money.  No matter what.  You don’t like it?  Then die.  Die.  Just die!

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Candidate #2:
Mickey Mouse
Talking Rodent, Steamboat Captain, World Icon, Clubhouse Leader

Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Pine tar!

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Candidate #3:
thumbs up jesus.jpgJesus of Nazareth
Son of “God”, Hipster, Smooth-Talker, a.k.a. The Christ

What shall it profit a man if he gains the homerun record but loses his soul to ‘roids?  For everyone who refrains from untucking his shirt after winning a game (talkin’ to you, Brewers) himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.  I say, I’ve fed his sheep. Now I’ll tend to them, … tend to my sheep.

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Tend… these… sheep.  Somebody.  King Bud didn’t do a great job at tending his sheep.  Somebody.  Somebody just tend these goddamn sheep!

Please.

And while you’re at it, don’t hate me.

‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Top image courtesy of Transgressor)

A Tardy Lament, Poetic Ode for Ye Olde Wilson Betemit

wilson betemit.jpgGordon Beckham’s triumphant entrance into Major League Baseball did not come without supreme sacrifice.  To make room for the rookie phenom, Chicago White Sox suits were forced to say goodbye to one of their greatest unknown infielder journeymen: Wilson “I Signed with the Braves When I Was 14 Years Old” Betemit.

Like the hopes and dreams of Cub fans during a National League Division Series, so too was Wilson hastily gone from this fair Second City of ourn.  And, unfortunate was I, having not had a chance to offer my official farewells to old number 15.

So here I lie my scornful lament, for a better place than this there is not to vent…

No one ever made hitting .200 so effortless and so easy,
No one ever wore Chris Sabo glasses so restless and so sleazy,
Your name is mispronounced, your voice all but groused, and your slide into second makes me queasy.

Traded with Marquez and Nunez for Swisher and K. Teixera,
Your batting average with the White Sox was as dry as the Sahara,
You came from the Dominican, with the attitude of Gilligan, and stats from the dead-ball era.

From the Braves to the Dodgers to the Yanks to the Sox,
To the streets of designated assignment buried deep beneath the rocks,
Remember we cared, remember all that we shared, but in the end you were let go ‘cuz you su<k.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Second City DYING to Catch Not-So-New Axis of Evil

al capone.jpgMy rackets are run on strictly American lines and they’re going to stay that way.
                  Al Capone (1899-1947)

Dear readers, whilst the baseball mavericks in New York, Boston and New York haggle and jockey for the mightiest and heftiest of major league players (the Sabathias, the Burnetts, the Mannys, the Teixeiras, the K-Rods, the Putzes, blah blah blah) both Chicago teams — the ugly step-sisters of large market franchises — have been busy making equally impressive moves that not only represent the unattested clout of the City of Big Shoulders but also prove that no matter how much money the Northeast Axis of Evil throws at free agents, Chicago still has that good ‘ole familiar, untouchable charm.

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
                         — Al Capone

Perhaps this was the motivation for Joey Gathright to become a Cub.  Now that’s clout!  When I first heard the news, I thought to myself: Wow, the Cubs really showed ‘em who’s boss with that move.  Take that Jake Peavy and Kevin Towers.  Yeah, take that.  The Cubs got Gathright.  Whoowee, watch out world!

But the Chicago melee of off-season moves didn’t just stop there!  No, the White Sox kept ‘em comin’ with that miraculous acquisition of Wilson Betemit and mind-blowing one-year signing of DeWayne Wise! 

And wait!  There’s more…

New York, you think you had a crooked governor?  Ha! 

http://www.nbcchicago.com/syndication?id=36300869&path=%2Fhome%2Ftop_stories

You hear that?  He’s “dying” to talk to we citizens of Illinois.  Dying!  See, our seedy politicians don’t just quit when the heat starts coming down on them.  No.  They stick around, hire expensive, slick-talkin’ lawyers and go for winter jogs in Ravenswood!  BOO-YEAH!  

Of course, New York (and you too, Boston), it should be known that Chicago isn’t just a harbor for back-alley gangsters and pay-to-play nepotists; no, we also breed crooked wife-killin’ cops who not only get away with murder but crooked wife-killin’ cops who get away with murder TWICE!  Then we celebrate when said crooked wife-killin’ cop gets engaged… again!  Duh, my friends.  Everyone knows that happiness comes in threes.  The Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times are already preparing for the inevitable, mysterious disappearance of Drew Peterson’s latest (and perhaps craziest?) fiancé — what normal people call “murder” — but this is Chicago!  We do things our way — the US American way!

“Now I know why tigers eat their young.”
                — Al Capone

Me too, dear readers.

Look, it’s true.  I love Chicago.  I really do.  It has character, it has heart, it has Oprah. 

And yes, when it comes to dueling with the New Yorks (and subsequent Bostons) of the world, certainly, we have an inferiority complex bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s mouth at an all-you-can-eat Ponderosa buffet; but the fact remains:

We’re awesome.

Wilson Betemit will prove it in 2009.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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